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1. THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: Tips, tricks, and manipulations to Browse the pains and pitfalls She looked me directly in the eyes and smiled. Still, no response. It definitely wasn't my best moment, but it wasn't hers either. Apparently, as I found out afterwards, I had fallen into a trap known as"the meal program." The meal program, if you're not familiar with it, is when girls go on dates with men merely to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she definitely fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all the dates I had gone on until there: all 37 dates to be exact. How could women take advantage of me like this? As I matured in my internet relationship, however, I realized that this was really a response for what men do to women. There are three significant levers in our lives which, if we pull them correctly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships are the difference between depression and elation. I learned this firsthand because in the last 5 years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at the same time. I quit the career I had been building for over 7 years and I left my 10-year relationship with my girlfriend that I thought I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and dating newcomer. I was scarred. After 9 months of misery and frustration I was about to give up on online dating all together. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene triggered and a small voice in my head said,"you're going to give up? No, no you are not. You're going to kick on online dating's ass!" I started to channel my misery into anger, and my anger into determination. I began to approach online dating like one big experiment. I started creating what I called,"The Process." In this blog post I'll take you through the whole process I took to learn online dating. By optimizing your profile, A/B analyzing your descriptions, starting meaningful conversations, as well as crafting interesting dates. We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so you can't only get dates, but possibly discover the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I must preface that based on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process may need to be different than the under. However, the important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from relationship and treat it like an experiment.

2. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I'm going to go meet fascinating people and do interesting things," you'll be much more likely to enjoy the procedure. And, if you are diligent, you might end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I have been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 years and we've moved in together. So maybe these strategies are not all that crazy, but maybe they are, I will leave it for you to judge. Note: You can also listen to the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a lot of these strategies as we navigate the current struggles and embarrassments of his own dating journey (and answer listener questions). The absolute most common mistake I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is they don't define their target clearly. Deep down inside, the majority of us know whether we are searching for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario that I've found is that both men and women that are looking for a meaningful relationship are maximizing their relationship for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with internet dating, she asked me to assist her with her OKCupid profile. She is an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' really beautiful, a true 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she'd need my help. In less than 5 seconds I saw the problem. Basically, so as to optimize for getting dates, Maddy had chosen to only include her most provocative photographs. Now I would like to be clear, there's nothing wrong with girls having"promiscuous" photos online. The problem, in the event of dating, is the arrangement of a dating profile and what you contribute with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to pick up on visual clues much faster than written hints. In actuality, they have found that men who are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles conceal most information aside from the profile photograph until a user clicks, leading with provocative photos sets a bad first impression. So, while it's totally fine to have sexy photos up in your instagram, leading together on your online dating profile is sending signals that may be attracting the wrong sort of guy. Additionally, there are plenty of classy ways to possess intriguing pictures that speak to more than just the unconscious brain. Online dating pictures can be both classy and intriguing So, although Maddy was trying to find a relationship, her photos were sending signals that she's looking for"fun."

3. Understandably, she had a line of douchebag guys filling up her inbox. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 4 Every man who has done online dating will testify to the struggle of getting a girl to swipe directly in their profile, let alone to make them engage in a conversation. Men, this is completely your fault. I have seen men spend hours talking about the numbers of their favourite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, and even how financial reports will influence the team's chances. But, when it comes to online dating, guys have a tendency to slap a few pictures on their profile and then begin swiping like orangutans till their palms develop calluses. Men, stop. Before you start creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you are trying to attain. Are you trying to date a great deal of people? Or are you searching for a meaningful relationship? And"both" isn't an answer. As the saying goes... "If you try to appeal to everybody, you will interest no one." The techniques I will outline below work for either desired outcome, but the choices you make will vastly affect your"conversion" rate. For instance, the first time I mastered everything in this procedure, I started going on a lot of dates (3--4 per week, every week), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I only realized months after that, while it's good to go on a lot of dates and get practice relationship (remember I had been off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to make sure I was dating the perfect folks. Fortunately I realized this before I had been the victim of some more"meal plans." STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile pictures and descriptions First impressions matter. According to a study from Princeton, it's estimated that in any relationship, whether its social or work, we make up our mind about whether we like the person in less than one second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile image. They don't get to hear you talk. They don't get to shake your hand. They don't get to smell you (it is a thing). All you get is one picture and there is a 99% chance it is the wrong one.

4. If a person is approaching online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to check is your profile picture. I started this process in a very unscientific way... One hundred, and I mean 100% of these said that my first image wasn't my best. It was interesting feedback, but I wasn't sure how I could test multiple pictures considering I could only put one as the default option. The response: testing across programs. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, along with the dreaded Tindr. I kept my profile description the same on each profile, but I put up another profile image on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles before I could find a large enough sample size and be certain that the platform wasn't effecting results. Four of my real dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture that I thought was my best was always the one with the least games. Interestingly enough, a picture I didn't read much into, pic B, was really a massive turn off for pretty much 100% of girls. I was shocked when I found out this, because the two girls in that photo are really good friends of mineso I never would have made this connection. Sometimes your photos can be your greatest blind spot. To totally test this idea out, I really enrolled a couple of friends (both men and women) to the experiment and had them change their profile pictures. They got varied results, but one thing was consistent: the picture they thought was their best, never performed the best. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 2 This is a super easy optimization that can seem like a pain today, but it is going to save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20 percent of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them frequently. Top Tip: If you want to speed this process up, you can actually ask your matches exactly what they think of your pictures. If a conversation with a game wasn't going well, I decided to at least get some"user feedback" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photos she believed was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I was not getting jobs.) Now, part of the error may be my fault, because I took his advice quite literally. I began to speak my thoughts, dress how I wanted to dress, and behave how I wanted to act. This turned out to be a very bad idea.

5. With no filter or thought behind my actions, I rubbed over a few people the wrong way. Now that I've matured a bit, I've come to understand that there's a difference between being your total self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are never our complete selves except when we're by ourselves. Seth Godin has a wonderful podcast on"signals," that you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we actively choose which signs to give to other people. A guy wearing a button up shirt, for instance, isn't always wealthy, but the button up shirt is putting out the signal that he's wealthy. Much like someone who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is signaling she does not wish to follow society's rules, the man in the button up shirt is signaling that he is okay with following convention. Signals matter. In college I met a girl at a party who immediately caught my eye. I approached her and we instantly hit off. We spent the entire party flirting and dancing. We made plans to have a lunch date in the college cafeteria after that week. I got to the cafeteria early and decided to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a woman walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed all in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace around her neck. Initially I did not even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we started talking. After some awkward conversation, she explained that her friends were sick of her being single so they had dressed her up to be"cuter" for the party to attract a man. I was that man. I did not care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized we had practically nothing in common. The outfit she had used as a sign at the party did not match her personality in any way. We ended the date cordially and moved on. Signals matter. Choosing your signals is great, but picking false signals not so much. The same goes for your online dating profile description. You don't want to lie, but you also don't want to be your complete self. You want to tell them about how you collect vintage records, you do not need to tell them about the way you cry every time a U2 song comes on. You want to tell them about how you volunteer at the animal shelter, you do not need to let them know about how you ran over your cat. First impressions matter. Crafting a fantastic description is perhaps the most difficult and personal bit of improving your online dating

6. profile. There is no right answer, but there are definitely some wrong answers. The first step to having a great dating profile description is having a very clear structure. I break down a dating profile description into 3 components: Headline: A brief sentence somebody can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A little longer description that gives some color to your interests and character. Call to Action: A desired action you want them to take. Online dating is inherently awkward, so help another person by letting them know something you two can talk about. Ladies this is especially true for you. If you don't want guys messaging you"hey" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to start the conversation with. Unfortunately, people tend to surf internet dating programs the way they surf social media sites: quickly and without much thought. It might be, in actuality, that mobile devices have trained us to browse everything in a similar way. Because of this, I think the headline is perhaps the most important bit of your description and you need to try different variations until you find one that works for you. After a lot of testing I discovered that this one worked best for me: The goal of the headline is to give a fast snapshot of what's unique about you. Having a headline that's authentic, interesting, and brief acts like a stop sign for the individual who's scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their cell phone. Chances are they'll laugh at the question. As any good content marketer knows, great content is about respecting the medium that you're producing the content for. By way of instance, if I went into a woman in a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active," she will definitely get up and leave. The reverse is true for online dating, however. You want your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or one sentence, and make sure that it is quintessentially you. Once that initial curiosity is peaked, you can start paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This isn't the time to compose a book about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this person, your picture and headline being the first two. The intro paragraph provides a little bit of color and possibly some talking points that you can talk about in chat (again, ladies, this is extremely important to add if you want to have more meaningful conversations).

7. The intro paragraph that worked best for me was: "I love being outdoors as much as you can! Some of my favourite items are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I'm a creative at heart but I really like learning about businesses and new ideas. I am into photography, design, and Tim Ferriss. My perfect Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a fantastic book at Promenade cafe." This paragraph outlines a couple of basic hobbies and activities I like and some non-standard items like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The most important thing to remember about this section is to prevent the generic activities that could apply to pretty much anybody. "I like hanging out with friends, watching films, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I am sure that there are people on earth who don't enjoy watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95 percent or more of the people in your area enjoy those things too. Rather than trying to fit in, attempt to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so you can find common ground, but also things which are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Most people like being outside and photography. -- But very few people like learning about companies or Tim Ferriss. This is optional, although it certainly helps. In advertising, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they have viewed your content. In dating, you essentially want the person to message you. This sounds like a no brainer, but I've found that a whole lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they finally become discouraged from making first contact. I have heard countless stories of women who have matched with a guy who they really enjoy, but the guy never messages them. When I ask them why they don't message first, they say that they don't know what to say or they don't want to appear desperate.

8. The call to action helps alleviate this problem by making it clear that you want them to message you. Butobviously you don't want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have an individual section that says: My CTA goes as follows: "You should message me if you are an interesting person who likes to play outdoors." Again, as with all this advice, when in doubt just check it out. Try having a call to action and see whether your conversations improve. If they don't, just delete it. The attractiveness of dating apps is that instead of having 1--5 chances to make a connection, as you would if you went to a bar for example, you have thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making first contact and chatting The place where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" dating is when it comes to the conversation. Having to chat online as your first conversation is a massive limitation when you are trying to start a new relationship. For one thing, it's a really unnatural way of communicating, because it's been shown that we receive 55 percent of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communicating. It is logical then that when you take countless people and set them in an unnatural communication environment you get some fairly unnatural conversations. While it might be fun to play around with bizarre conversation openers, if you're serious about finding a good relationship through online dating, then it is a fantastic idea to research your results a little bit. This gave me the opportunity to begin testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I simply would not have been able to determine if I did not have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I'll spare you some of the terrible ideas I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's test how well you can judge a good opener from a bad one. For bonus points, try to order them from most effective to least effective. A) "Hey! How's it going?" B) "Hey! C) "Question: Batman or Superman?" (or some other variation of the sort of question). How did you like X book?" (according to a book they listed in their profile) I'll allow you to think about it for a second.

9. (I'll add some distance before the answer below. Scroll once you're ready.) Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer And the answer is... If you guessed D, you chose the best answer! (If you guessed C, you chose the worst answer.) In order of best to worst, the answers are B, D, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to some conversation starter. While I found that the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X book," that obviously depends if they have put a book in their profile. You can modify this to ask about some other part of their profile, such as a movie or a place in their own pictures. The reason I guess the book one works best though is because a) it shows you actually read their profile and b) it indicates that you read. If I can use the book opener to initiate a conversation I usually also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x publication? I am now reading'Losing my Virginity' by Richard Branson and highly recommend it!" (This is how I opened the conversation with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I began with this opener felt a lot more natural and went past a few messages. The second best choice,"Hey! How was your weekend?" Works almost as well, but it is obviously confined to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be odd if you used this on a Friday). This worked pretty well, but not nearly as well. I suspect it's because it sounds too much like I am about to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think of something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you have made contact and another person has responded, it's time to have a dialogue. Every dialog changes, but there are some guidelines that I'll put in here as suggestions. First, some online dating suggestions for guys: DON'T attempt to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can not tell you the number of messages my female friends have shown me that sound http://fernandoqovz260.bearsfanteamshop.com/20-myths-about- tinder-vs-badoo-busted objectively psychotic. The sad thing is I know that the man is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a regular conversation just like you would with a friend. DO try to talk about things she's interested in but also add your own ideas. One of the most common complaints

10. I've heard from female friends is that they feel like they're being interviewed. Make certain that you ask questions, but that you also discuss things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her appearance or body. Irrespective of how well intentioned you are, it'll be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you are so beautiful! You have a cute smile! You are..." will only result in a polite"thank you" and won't create meaningful conversation. Now, a few online dating suggestions for girls: DO be nice and help direct the conversation. Even when I have tried to be friendly and nice, I have still received very curt or standoff-ish answers. No matter how much men pretend that they don't care about the conversation, they do. And they normally don't have any clue what they're doing, so offer them some help and guide the dialogue in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking some of your own. If you are tired of discussions feeling like interviews, then be certain that you ask the guy about things he's interested in as well. It takes two to tango. DON'T make conclusions too soon. In my experience women have a tendency to put a good deal more thought in their text messages than men do. If a guy says something that looks weird or odd, give him the benefit of the doubt and don't read too much into it, chances are he did not either. Now a suggestion for the two parties: Try to move the conversation from online to in real life relatively quickly. Online dating is a excellent tool to meet someone, but it's just that. It's a tool, it isn't actual dating. My general recommendation for moving from online to in real life is either one long conversation or two short conversations. It should never take more than a week to establish a date. So, if you match with each other on a Monday, you should definitely have started talking about having a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the apps, but also get off them quickly. In real life is a good deal more fun too in case you know how to set up good dates... Step 4 -- Creating a date sequence that will make you smile more and sweat less Once I had mastered the online portion of dating, I soon realized that securing the date is only half the battle. The second half of this battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you have even set out from your residence. In which you have your date determines about 50--70 percent of the outcome of the date. But first a question... Where's the worst place to have a date? As it happens, it is actually at the most commonly selected dating location: A sit-down restaurant. At first I was taking all my dates to restaurants for dinner. But remember, I was totally new to dating so I was only following what I had seen in movies. Most of them didn't go well, but I was not certain why. After a dozen or so embarrassing (and pricey ) dates, I decided that I need to experiment with several other locations.

11. What happened next was totally mind blowing. It was not that I was doing anything differently or that I was picking better girls to go on dates with, it was simply a matter of context. Here's why I believe dinner dates don't work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger out a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a desk. You start talking, then the waiter interrupts asking about beverages. You choose beverages. You continue to talking. The waiter interrupts again for your food order. You're not ready to order because you've been talking. The waiter gives you"another minute." You examine the menu making remarks about the choices. The waiter comes back ten minutes later. You order food. You talk and talk. You then run out of things to talk about. What should you do next? You have to keep talking. A dinner date provides no choices. It is a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost instantly. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that many of us are getting worse at getting in-person conversations. Spending so much time online has improved our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in- house communication abilities. Therefore, if we are getting worse at getting in-person discussions, why would you bet your entire love life on the fact that you'll be able to have an remarkable in-person conversation with a complete stranger? 3 Rules for Creating Great Dates I never thought that relationship could be a life-or-death action, but one day changed all that. I was holding on to a small ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet above the ground like a giant cat toy. My fingers started to sweat and I knew that I couldn't hold on to the ledge much longer. "O well," I thought,"this is going to be a great bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I expected the sharp shock of the rope on my climbing harness. However, there was no jolt. I started falling for what felt like eternity. As it happens, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope just as I'd slipped off the ledge. She panicked and didn't catch the rope until I had fallen 15 ft to what I was certain was my upcoming death. Finally the rope finally stopped and I felt a huge jolt, both emotionally and physically. My entire dating profession made a 180-degree turn once I began carrying my dates on fun activities instead of dinners. Some of these activities worked better than others. However, I found out that the most crucial elements to a great date place could be distilled into three categories: Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you are walking, your scenery is changing so you can grab new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked man on rollerblades!"

12. Activity -- Can we both do the action reasonably well? I've seen guys get this one pretty wrong. It is fun to teach someone something that you are passionate about, but make sure it is not too hard. Taking a girl rock climbing? Make sure she is not scared of heights first. Scalability -- Would the date increase or shrink in scale as needed? Having a terrific time? Great! No chemistry? No problem, how can we end the date earlier? Using these three criteria, I crafted a three date sequence which nearly doubled the number of successful dates I went on. I know what you are thinking,"This guy took women out to the same areas like it was some kind of regimented assembly line?" No. This was my go-to sequence, but, depending on interests, I would substitute different activities to keep the dates intriguing. This was simply a template that simplified my decisions and decreased the cognitive load I was putting on my mind. Happy brain = Happy dates. So here's my perfect dating arrangement: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks every Friday from the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the problems of inviting someone out to dinner is that everyone has different food preferences. Then (if you are a man ) you have to account for cost of meals. Off the grid solves this because there are over 20 different kinds of (affordable) cuisine. It also lets you walk around, people watch, and get drinks. You can extend the date by getting dessert or listening to the live bands. Feel like going all out? Queue the awkward white-boy dance moves. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a couple of go-tos, specifically: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the shore. Why I like it: These actions had in common were the 3 factors: walkability, action, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, grab cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favourite pub, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we could alternate between talking and activity. If we did a picnic on the shore, we could go for romantic walks or huddle around a fire pit on Ocean Beach. Why I like it: This date was especially important because if a woman had made it #3, it meant I actually liked her. Additionally, it meant we might take the relationship to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, plus it was a semi-formal occasion so we can both dress nicely for that special night. This was also my secret evaluation because if a girl didn't like science and facts it probably would not work out between us anyway. As an additional bonus, it was also a 20-min walk from my place, so that helped with the"scalability" of the night. Listen to all the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are merely three examples of how to take online dating offline and create a reasonably successful dating sequence. Here are a few ideas on what to search for on each date as you attempt to make your own dating sequence: Date #1: Search for a casual environment that is not intimidating. Dark bars or loud places don't make for great

13. conversation. Make sure that you can reliably visit this area, so avoid places with long waits or where you need to make reservations. Make sure you are able to schedule the date for a weeknight (try to not book a person's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You've broken the ice and you've both agreed to another date, so have fun with this one! Choose an activity you will both like that is not too difficult. Ideally choose an activity which has a cadence where you alternate between doing something and talking. Going on a 10 mile run is fantastic for exercise, but it does not allow for conversation. Watching a movie at a movie theater has similar limitations. Date #3: You confirmed you like each other, it is time to take it to the next level. Try to make this date a little more special than the first two. It needs to be romantic, it should test how compatible you really are, and it ought to confirm whether or not you want to keep on seeing each other long term. Following the excitement of dates and two, there may be a lull in date 3, so be sure whatever you choose provides new intimacy to the relationship. By way of example, if I did not visit the Cal Academy I would go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Getting your Timing Right maybe one of the most important pieces of the online dating mystery that I see guys screw up again and again is time. Assuming the man is the one driving the relationship sequence (which isn't always the case) there are some questions you will need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? How long should you wait between date 1 and date 2? When should you go for the kiss? Here I'll share my answers to these questions that I've found most useful. But again, depending upon your context, your culture, and your own comfort your answers may vary. I will share my experience (as a heterosexual male living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The main thing is to actually consider timing, as opposed to leaving it up to"feeling." Going from Online to Offline It's very easy to let a great online conversation die out. You message her, she messages you, back and forth, forth and back. To be able to make sure that I don't waste all my time with internet conversations I found it was best to ask a girl to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or roughly 20 minutes of continuous conversation. Again, try not to linger in the safe-space of the virtual world too long. It might feel like it's necessary, but it is very easy to waste plenty of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 once I was 25, functioning as"the new man" at a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales team. Every day I overheard their sales calls where they would utilize their jedi mind tricks to close deals with multi- million dollar balances. One thing I noticed is that every time they were ending a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week then? O that's no great too. Okay how about the week after that?" No matter what the prospect said, the salesperson would always insist on at least"penciling" the next meeting to the calendar with the option of cancelling if needed. When I took this technique and applied it to dating, it led to some pretty incredible results. This rule is somewhat contrarian, but it has worked really well: Always ask for the next date on the first date.

14. One of the worst things about dating is that you are putting yourself out there. You're opening yourself up to strangers and in return you're getting a lot of uncertainty. No one likes uncertainty. No one likes to look at their phone every hour to determine if you've texted them or not. No one likes to wonder if you like them or not. Surprisingly, most individuals do not mind if you don't like them, they only want to know. So my suggestion is to quit playing games, both with the other person and with yourself. If you like them, tell them you like them. If you don't, have the respect to let them know you don't. (A gentle means to do this is by telling them that you aren't ready to date right now. I had a girl tell me and it was the simplest let down I have ever experienced and utilized it later myself too). I should pause here for a single caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get very excited by the person they have just met and then they proceed to constantly text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day. Stop Chasing Shadows When I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He told me,"Girls are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the more they run away. The more you run away, the more they pursue you." If you find someone who you would like to be with really badly, don't frighten them away by being fanatical. If they like you as well, there is no need to chase them. Yes, you should consciously attempt to establish a date, but there's no reason to go on dates every single night of the week. Allow the relationship to have some breathing room. A good way to judge whether a relationship is going well is if you find yourself missing the other person and vice versa. There is a lot of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there is even scientific proof for it also. In several studies, anthropologists have found that many primates invest more effort into a relationships if the people in that relationship have been forced apart. What is interesting is that researchers in the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same is true in humans. By data mining cell phone records and comparing call patterns and length, the researchers at the university found that humans will also invest more effort into relationships when there is a probability of that relationship weakening. I tried applying this research to relationship in a relatively simple way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse in between dates, paradoxically, makes the relationship strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for dating I found worked pretty well was the following:

15. Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- variable This sequence meant that I would spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for sufficient time for the relationship to mature and helped me make sure I didn't suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, these relationship approaches helped me tremendously, but based on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your procedure might have to be different than the one above. In actuality, because dating is such an emotional activity (like job hunting), it is vital to have a system set up that will help you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you are getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on an actual rollercoaster, it would be foolish to simply jump and hold on. Making sure you have that lap belt secured and that you have been on a few less intense rides will allow you to enjoy the ride a good deal more. Perhaps the single most important thing to keep in mind though is to let go of expectations and treat the process like an experiment. As we often discuss about the podcast, when you let go of expectations and just create your target just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Similar to the advice of world-class investors, you need to diversify your portfolio and minimize your risk of catastrophic failure. A means of doing this is by going on dates that are not only sit-down dinners, so that regardless of how your relationship partner behaves, at least you will have a good time doing something fun. And, to decrease the risk, you should build both an outreach and relationship sequence so you decrease the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Find a few activities you like doing and then match the dates into those activities. This is also a wonderful way to filter out people who aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long run. Naturally, irrespective of how well I did all the above things, I had my share of terrible dates. The girl who used me as a meal plan being just one of many. But remember, once you're feeling down and enjoy giving up on love altogether: "You are never as bad as they say you are, you're also not as good as you think you are." Take every date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you work on your own, improving your discussions, your dates, and your relationship with others, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. Until then, strap in and enjoy the ride. If you enjoyed this post, I'd super love if you hit the green hand clap button below so that more folks can find it. And, if you've any more questions about dating, hear our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the display.