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1. She looked me straight in the eyes and smiled. Again, I looked at her and then looked at the invoice. Still, no response. It definitely was not my best moment, but it wasn't hers either. Apparently, as I found out afterwards, I had fallen into a trap known as"the meal plan." The meal program, if you're unfamiliar with it, is when girls go on dates with guys just to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she definitely fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all of the dates I had gone until there: all 37 dates to be precise. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like this? As I matured in my online dating, however, I understood that this was really a response for what men do to women. There are three major levers in our lives which, if we pull on them properly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships are the difference between depression and elation. I learned this first hand because in the last 5 years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at once. I stopped the career I had been building for over 7 years and I left my 10-year connection with my girlfriend that I believed I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and relationship newcomer. I was depressed. After 9 months of misery and frustration I was about to give up on online dating all together. One day, I was sitting in the shower feeling sorry for myself for over an hour. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene activated and a little voice in my head said,"you're going to give up? No, no you're not. You're going to kick online dating's ass!" I began to channel my misery into anger, and my anger into determination. I began to approach online dating like one big experiment. I began creating what I called,"The Process." In this blog post I'll take you through the whole process I took to learn online dating. By optimizing your profile, A/B testing your descriptions, starting meaningful conversations, and even crafting interesting dates. We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so you can not just get dates, but maybe find the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I must preface that based on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process may have to be different than the under. But, the important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from dating and treat it like an experiment.

2. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I'm going to go meet fascinating people and do interesting things," you will be more likely to enjoy the process. And, if you are diligent, you might end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I have been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 years and we've moved in together. So maybe these strategies are not all that crazy, but maybe they are, I'll leave it for you to judge. Notice: You can also listen to the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a lot of these approaches as we browse the present struggles and embarrassments of his own relationship journey (and answer listener questions). The complete most common mistake I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is that they don't define their target clearly. Deep down inside, the majority of us know whether we are looking for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario that I've found is that both women and men who are searching for a meaningful relationship are maximizing their dating for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with internet dating, she asked me to help her with her OKCupid profile. She is an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' quite beautiful, a real 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she'd need my help. In less than 5 seconds I saw the problem. Basically, in order to optimize for getting dates, Maddy had chosen to only include her most provocative photographs. Now I want to be clear, there is nothing wrong with women having"promiscuous" pictures online. The problem, in the event of dating, is the format of a relationship and what you lead with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to intuitively pick up on visual cues much faster than written hints. In fact, they have found that men that are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by without even activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles hide most information aside from the profile photograph until a user clicks, resulting in provocative photos sets a poor first impression. So, while it's totally fine to have hot photos up on your instagram, leading together on your online dating profile is sending signals that could be attracting the wrong type of guy. Additionally, there are lots of classy ways to possess intriguing pictures that speak to more than just the subconscious mind.

3. Online dating pictures can be both intriguing and classy So, although Maddy was trying to find a relationship, her photos were sending signals that she's looking for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag guys filling up her inbox. Every man who has done online dating will attest to the battle of getting a girl to swipe right on their profile, let alone to get them to engage in a conversation. Guys, this is completely your fault. I have seen men spend hours talking about the statistics of their favorite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, as well as how financial reports will influence the team's chances. But, when it comes to online dating, guys have a tendency to slap a few pictures in their profile and then start swiping like orangutans till their fingers develop calluses. Guys, stop. Before you start creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you're trying to achieve. Are you trying to date a lot of people? Or are you searching for a meaningful relationship? And"both" is not an answer. As the saying goes... "If you try to appeal to everyone, you will interest no one." The techniques I will outline below work for either desired outcome, but the choices you make will vastly affect your"conversion" rate. For example, the first time I mastered everything in this procedure, I started going on a great deal of dates (3--4 per week, weekly ), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I only realized months after that, while it's great to go on a lot of dates and get practice relationship (recall I had been off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to be sure I had been dating the perfect folks. Luckily I realized this before I was the victim of any more"meal programs ." STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile pictures and descriptions According to a study from Princeton, it's estimated that in any relationship, whether its social or work, we make our mind up about if we like the person in less than 1 second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is the first impression you make is based solely on your profile image. They don't get to hear you speak. They do not get to shake your hand. They do not get to smell you (it's a thing). All you get is 1 picture and there is a 99% chance it's the wrong one. If a person is approaching online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to test is your profile picture. I started this process in a very unscientific way...

4. I went to every female friend I knew and asked her what she thought of my pictures. One hundred, and I mean 100% of them said that my first picture wasn't my best. It was interesting feedback, but I wasn't certain how I could test multiple pictures considering I could only put one as the default. The response: testing across apps. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, along with the dreaded Tindr. I retained my profile description the exact same on every profile, but I put up a different profile image on each. I rotated the images across profiles until I could get a big enough sample size and be certain that the platform was not effecting results. Four of my real dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture that I thought was my best was always the one with the least matches. Interestingly enough, a film that I didn't read much into, pic B, was really a huge turn off for pretty much 100% of women. When I asked them why, without skipping a beat they replied,"it makes you look like a player." I was shocked when I found this out, because the two women in that photo are actually good friends of mine, so that I never would have made that connection. Sometimes your photos can be your biggest blind spot. To completely test this idea out, I actually enrolled a couple of friends (both men and women) to the experiment and had them change out their profile pictures. This is a super simple optimization that may seem to be a pain now, but it is going to save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20 percent of work that will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them often. Top Tip: If you want to speed up this process, you can actually ask your matches what they think of your own pictures. If a conversation with a match was not going well, I decided to at least get some"user feedback" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photos she believed was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I wasn't getting jobs.) Descriptions are negotiable Now, part of this error may be my fault, since I took his advice quite literally. I began to speak my mind, dress how I wanted to dress, and act how I wanted to act. This turned out to be a horrible idea. Without any filter or idea behind my actions, I rubbed over a few people the wrong way. Now that I have matured a bit, I have come to understand that there's a difference between being your total self

5. and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we're never our total selves except when we are by ourselves. Seth Godin has a wonderful podcast on"signals," that you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we knowingly choose which signals to give to other men and women. A guy wearing a button up top, as an instance, is not always wealthy, but the button up shirt is putting out the sign that he is wealthy. Much like a person who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is signaling she does not want to follow society's rules, the guy in the button up shirt is indicating that he's okay with following convention. In college I met a girl at a party who immediately caught my attention. I approached her and we immediately hit off. We spent the whole party flirting and dancing. We made plans to have a lunch date at the college cafeteria later that week. I got to the cafeteria early and decided to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a girl walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace around her neck. At first I didn't even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we began talking. I was that man. I did not really care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized we had almost nothing in common. The outfit she had used as a sign at the party did not match her personality at all. We ended the date cordially and proceeded on. Signals matter. Choosing your signals is great, but picking false signals not so much. You do not need to lie, but you also don't want to be your total self. You want to tell them about how you collect classic records, you do not need to tell them about how you cry every time a U2 song comes on. You want to tell them about how you volunteer at the animal shelter, you don't want to let them know about how you ran over your cat. Crafting a good description is perhaps the most difficult and personal piece of improving your online dating profile. There's no ideal answer, but there are some incorrect answers. The first step to having a good dating profile description is having a clear structure. I break down a relationship profile description into 3 parts: Headline: A short sentence someone can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A little longer description that provides some colour to your interests and character. Call to Action: A desirable action you want them to take. Internet dating is inherently awkward, so help the other

6. person by letting them know something you two can talk about. Ladies this is particularly true for you. If you don't want men messaging you"hey" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to begin the conversation with. The Headline Unfortunately, people tend to surf online dating apps the way they surf social networking sites: fast and without much thought. It might be, in actuality, that mobile devices have trained us to browse everything in a similar way. Due to this, I think the headline is perhaps the most crucial bit of your description and you need to try different variations until you find one that is right for you. After a lot of testing I discovered that this one worked best for me: "Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active." The objective of the headline is to provide a fast snapshot of what is unique about you. Having a headline that's authentic, interesting, and short acts like a stop sign for the individual who's scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their cell phone. Chances are they'll laugh at the question. As any good content marketer knows, terrific content is all about respecting the medium that you're producing the content for. By way of example, if I went up to a woman in a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, energetic," she will definitely get up and leave. The opposite is true for online relationship, however. You need your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or one sentence, and make sure that it is quintessentially you. The Intro Paragraph After that initial curiosity is peaked, you can begin paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This is not the time to write a novel about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this individual, your headline and picture being the first two. The intro paragraph gives a little bit of colour and possibly some talking points that you two can talk about in chat (again, ladies, this is extremely important to add if you want to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph that worked best for me was: "I love being outdoors as much as you can! Some of my favourite things are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I'm a creative at heart but I really like learning about new and businesses ideas. I'm into photography, layout, and Tim Ferriss. My perfect Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a good book at Promenade cafe." This paragraph outlines a few basic activities and hobbies I like and some non-standard things like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The main thing to remember about this section is to avoid the generic activities that could apply to pretty much

7. anyone. I can not tell you how many profiles I've seen that list things like: "I enjoy hanging out with friends, watching movies, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I am sure there are people in the world who don't like watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95 percent or more of the people in your area enjoy those things too. As opposed to trying to fit in, attempt to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so you can discover common ground, but also things which are uniquely you. For example in my description above: -- Most people like being outdoors and photography. -- Some people like surfing, climbing, and volleyball. -- But very few people like learning about businesses or Tim Ferriss. The Call To Action This is optional, although it certainly helps. In marketing, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they have viewed your content. In dating, you essentially want the person to message you. This sounds like a no brainer, but I've found that a lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they eventually become discouraged from making first contact. I have heard countless stories of girls who have paired with a guy who they really enjoy, but the man never messages them. When I ask them why they do not message first, it is said that they don't know what to say or they do not want to appear desperate. Butobviously you don't want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have an individual section that says: Again, as with all this information, when in doubt just check it out. Try using a call to action and see if your conversations improve. If they don't, just delete it. The beauty of dating programs is that instead of having 1--5 chances to make a connection, as you would if you went to a pub for instance, you have thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making first contact and chatting where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" relationship is when it comes to the conversation. Having to chat online as your initial conversation is a huge limitation when you are trying to begin a new relationship. For starters, it's a really unnatural method of communicating, since it's been shown that we receive 55% of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communication.

8. It makes sense then that if you take countless people and put them in a supernatural communication environment you get some pretty unnatural conversations. While it might be fun to play around with bizarre conversation openers, if you're serious about finding a fantastic relationship through online dating, then it is a fantastic idea to research your results a little bit. As I got better at optimizing my profile, I started matching with a growing number of people. This gave me the chance to start testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I simply would not have been able to determine if I didn't have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I will spare you some of the terrible thoughts I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let us test how well you can judge a fantastic opener from a bad one. For bonus points, try to order them from most effective to least effective. What is it going?" B) "Hey! C) "Question: Batman or Superman?" (or some other variation of this sort of question). D) "Hey! (according to a book they listed in their profile) I'll e-podryw.pl allow you to consider it for a second. (I'll add some space before the reply below. Scroll once you're ready.) Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response And the answer is... If you guessed D, you chose the best answer! (If you guessed C, you picked the worst answer.) In order of best to worst, the answers are D, B, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to some conversation starter. While I found that the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X book," that clearly depends if they've put a book in their profile.

9. You can modify this to ask about some other part of their profile, like a picture or a location in their own pictures. The reason why I guess the book one works best though is because a) it shows you really read their profile and b) it shows that you read. If I may use the book opener to initiate a conversation I typically also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x publication? (This is how I opened the conversation with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I began with this opener felt a lot more natural and moved past a few messages. The next best option,"Hey! Works nearly as well, but it is obviously confined to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be odd if you used this on a Friday). An alternate version I tried on Thursdays or Fridays was,"Hey! This worked pretty well, but not nearly too. I suspect it's because it seems too much like I am about to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think of something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you've made contact and another person has responded, it's time to have a dialogue. Every conversation varies, but there are a few guidelines that I will put in here as suggestions. First, some online dating tips for men: DON'T attempt to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can't tell you how many messages my female friends have shown me that noise objectively psychotic. The sad thing is that I know that the guy is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a regular conversation like you would with a friend. DO attempt to talk about things she is interested in but also add your own ideas. Among the most common complaints I've heard from female friends is that they feel like they're being interviewed. Make certain that you ask questions, but that you also discuss things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her appearance or body. Irrespective of how well intentioned you are, it will be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you're so beautiful! You have a cute smile! You're..." will only result in a polite"thank you" and won't create meaningful conversation. Now, a couple of online dating suggestions for girls: DO be nice and help guide the conversation. Even when I've tried to be nice and friendly, I have still received quite curt or standoff-ish responses. No matter how much guys pretend that they don't care about the dialogue, they do. And they normally don't have any clue what they are doing, so offer them some help and guide the conversation in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking some of your own. If you're tired of discussions feeling such as interviews, then be certain to ask the man about things he's interested in as well. DON'T make judgments too soon. In my experience women have a tendency to put a good deal more thought in their text messages than guys do. If a man says something that looks weird or strange, give him the benefit of the doubt and don't read too much into it, chances are he did not either. Now a proposal for both parties:

10. Attempt to move the dialogue from online to in real life relatively quickly. Online dating is a great tool to fulfill someone, but it's just that. It is a tool, it isn't actual dating. My general recommendation for moving from online to in real life is either one long conversation or two brief conversations. It should never take more than a week to establish a date. So, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have started talking about having a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the programs, but also get them off quickly. In real life is a lot more fun too if you know how to set up great dates... Step 4 -- Creating a date sequence that will cause you to smile more and sweat less After I had mastered the online portion of dating, I soon realized that procuring the date is just half the battle. The second half of the battle, how well the date goes, is largely determined before you've even set out from your residence. As they say in real estate: location, location, location. In which you have your date decides about 50--70 percent of the outcome of the date. But a question... Where's the worst place to have a date? As it happens, it's actually at the most commonly selected dating location: A sit-down restaurant. At first I was taking all of my dates to restaurants for dinner. But bear in mind, I was totally new to relationship so I was just following what I'd seen in movies. Most of them did not go well, but I wasn't sure why. After a dozen or so embarrassing (and expensive) dates, I decided that I need to experiment with some other locations. What occurred next was absolutely mind blowing. It was not that I was doing anything differently or that I had been choosing better girls to go on dates with, it was simply a matter of context. Here's why I think dinner dates do not work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger out a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a desk. You begin speaking, then the waiter interrupts asking about drinks. You choose beverages. You continue to speaking. The waiter interrupts again to your food order. You are not ready to order because you've been talking. The waiter

11. provides you"another minute." You examine the menu making remarks about the choices. The waiter comes back ten minutes later. You order food. You talk and talk. Then you run out of things to discuss. What do you do next? There are no exits, nothing around to comment on, nothing to see or do. You have to keep talking. A dinner date provides no choices. It's a singular task that depends on you connecting with a complete stranger almost immediately. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that most of us are getting worse at having in-person discussions. Spending so much time online has improved our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in-person communication skills. Therefore, if we are getting worse at getting in-person discussions, why would you bet your whole love life on the fact that you'll be able to have an amazing in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I had been holding on to a little ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet above the floor like a giant cat toy. "O well," I thought,"this will be a great bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I expected the sharp jolt of the rope on my climbing harness. But there was no jolt. I began falling for what felt like eternity. As it turns out, my climbing partner had let go of the rope as I had slipped off the ledge. She panicked and did not grab the rope until I had dropped 15 ft to what I was certain was my forthcoming death. Finally the rope eventually stopped and I felt a huge jolt, both physically and emotionally. "Okay this date might be a little too exciting," I thought. My whole dating career made a 180-degree turn when I began taking my dates on fun activities rather than dinners. I'd take them to play tennis, rock climb, festivals, picnics at the beach, music shows, and everything in between. Some of these activities worked better than others. However, I found out that the most essential elements to a great date spot could be distilled into three categories: Walkability -- Do we have to sit together or can we walk around? When you are walking, your scenery is shifting so that you can grab new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked guy on rollerblades!" Action -- Can we do the action reasonably well? I've seen men get this one fairly wrong. It is fun to teach someone something that you are passionate about, but make certain it is not too hard. Taking a woman rock climbing? Make sure she isn't scared of heights first. Scalability -- Would the date grow or shrink in scale as needed? Having a terrific time? Great! No chemistry? No issue, how do we end the date sooner? Using these three criteria, I crafted a three date sequence that nearly doubled the amount of successful dates I went on. I know what you're thinking,"This man took women out to the very same places like it was some sort of regimented assembly line?" This was my go-to sequence, but, depending on interests, I would substitute unique activities to keep the dates intriguing. This was merely a template which simplified my choices and reduced the cognitive load I was putting in

12. my brain. Happy brain = Happy dates. So here's my ideal dating sequence: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks every Friday from the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the problems of inviting someone out to dinner is that everybody has different food preferences. Then (if you're a guy) you've got to account for cost of meals. Off the grid accomplishes this because there are over 20 different types of (affordable) cuisine. Additionally, it allows you to walk around, people watch, and get drinks. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could vary based on interests but I had a couple of go-tos, specifically: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the shore. Why I like it: What these actions had in common were the 3 factors: walkability, activity, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, catch cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favorite pub, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we can alternate between talking and activity. Why I like it: This date was particularly important because if a girl had made it to date #3, it meant I actually liked her. It also meant we might take the relationship to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, plus it was a semi-formal occasion so we could both dress nicely for that special night. This was also my secret test because if a woman didn't like facts and science it likely wouldn't work out between us anyway. Listen to each of the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are just three examples of how to take online dating offline and make a reasonably successful dating sequence. Here are a few tips on what to search for on each date as you attempt to make your own dating arrangement: Date #1: Search for a casual environment that isn't intimidating. Dark bars or loud places do not make for great conversation. Be certain that you can reliably go to this place, so avoid places with long waits or where you will need to make reservations. Ensure you are able to schedule the date for a weeknight (try not to book a person's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You have broken the ice and you've both agreed to a second date, so have fun with this one! Choose an activity you'll both like that isn't too tricky. Ideally choose an activity that has a cadence where you alternate between doing something and speaking. Going on a 10 mile run is great for exercise, but it does not allow for conversation. Seeing a movie at a movie theater has similar limitations. Date #3: You confirmed you like each other, it is time to bring it to the next level. Try to make this date a bit more special than the first two. It should be romantic, it should test how compatible you really are, and it ought to confirm whether you want to keep on seeing each other long term. After the excitement of dates and two, there may be a lull in date 3, so make sure whatever you select provides new intimacy to the relationship. By way of example, if I didn't go to the Cal Academy I would go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Obtaining your Timing Right Perhaps among the most important pieces of the internet dating puzzle that I see guys screw up again and again is timing. Assuming the man is the one driving the dating sequence (which isn't necessarily the case) there are a few questions you need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? When should you go for the kiss? When should you sleep together?

13. Here I'll share my answers to these questions that I've found most useful. But again, depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort your answers may vary. The main thing is to actually consider timing, rather than leaving it up to"feeling." Going from Online to Offline It is quite easy to let a great online dialog die out. You message her, she messages you, back and forth, back and forth. To be able to make certain I don't waste all my time with online conversations I found it was best to ask a woman to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or roughly 20 minutes of constant conversation. Again, try not to linger at the safe-space of this digital world too long. It may feel like it's necessary, but it's quite easy to waste a lot of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 once I was 25, functioning as"the new man" in a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales team. Every day I overheard their sales calls where they would utilize their jedi mind tricks to close deals with multi- million dollar accounts. One thing I noticed is that every time they were ending a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week then? O that's no great too. Okay how about the week then?" Regardless of what the prospect said, the salesperson would always insist on at least"penciling" another meeting to the calendar with the choice of cancelling if needed. When I took this technique and applied it to dating, it led to a pretty incredible results. This rule is a bit contrarian, but it has worked really well: Always request the second date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you're putting yourself out there. You are opening yourself up to strangers and in return you are getting a lot of uncertainty. Nobody likes uncertainty. No one likes to look at their phone every hour to determine if you've texted them or not. No one likes to wonder whether you like them or not. Surprisingly, most individuals don't mind if you do not like them, they just want to know. So my suggestion is to quit playing games, both with the other person and with yourself. If you like them, tell them you like them. If you don't, have the respect to let them know you don't. (A gentle means to do this is by telling them you are not prepared to date at this time. I had a woman tell me and it was the simplest let down I have ever experienced and used it later myself too). I should pause here for a single caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get very excited by the person they've just met and they then proceed to constantly text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day.

14. Stop Chasing Shadows When I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He told me,"Girls are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the more they run away. The more you run away, the more they pursue you." If you find someone who you would like to be with really badly, don't scare them away by being obsessive. If they like you as well, there is no need to chase them. Yes, you should consciously try to set up a date, but there is no reason to go on dates every single night of the week. Permit the relationship to get some breathing room. A good way to judge if a relationship is going well is if you find yourself missing the other person and vice versa. There is a great deal of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there's even scientific evidence for it as well. In several studies, anthropologists have discovered that many primates invest more effort into a relationships if the individuals in that relationship have been forced apart. What is interesting is that researchers at the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same is true in humans. By data mining cell phone records and comparing telephone patterns and length, the researchers at the university found that people may also invest more effort into relationships if there is a probability of that connection weakening. I tried applying this research to relationship in a relatively straightforward way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse in between dates, paradoxically, makes the connection strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship I found worked fairly well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- factor This sequence meant that I'd spread out the first 3 dates across a 1 month period. This allowed for enough time for the connection to grow and helped me make sure I did not suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps

15. As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, these relationship strategies helped me tremendously, but based upon your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process might have to be different than the one above. In actuality, because relationship is such an emotional activity (similar to job hunting), it's vital to have a system in place that will assist you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you are getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on a real rollercoaster, it would be foolish to simply hop on and continue. Making certain you have that lap belt secured and that you have been on a few less extreme rides can allow you to enjoy the ride a good deal more. As we frequently discuss on the podcast, even when you let go of expectations and only make your target just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Similar to the help of world wide investors, you want to diversify your portfolio and minimize your chance of catastrophic failure. A way of doing that is by going on dates that are not just sit-down dinners, so that regardless of how your relationship partner behaves, at least you will have a good time doing something interesting. And, to minimize the risk, you need to build both an outreach and dating sequence so that you decrease the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Locate a few activities you enjoy doing and then fit the dates into those activities. This is also a great way to filter out people that aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long term. Of course, irrespective of how well I did all the above items, I still had my share of terrible dates. The woman who used me as a meal program being just one of several. Dating is a rollercoaster that will scare you, challenge you, and sometimes make you wish you had never gotten on. But remember, when you're feeling down and like giving up on love altogether: "You are not as bad as they say you are, you are also not as good as you think you are." Take each date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you constantly work on your own, improving your conversations, your dates, and your connection with other people, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. Until then, strap in and enjoy the ride. If you enjoyed this post, I would super love if you hit the green hand clap button below so that more people can find it. And, if you've any more questions about relationship, listen to our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the show.