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1. THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: Tips, tricks, and manipulations to Browse the pains and pitfalls I looked at her and then looked at the dinner bill. She looked me straight in the eyes and smiled. Again, I looked at her and then looked at the invoice. Still, no reply. It definitely was not my best moment, but it wasn't hers either. Apparently, as I discovered later, I had fallen into a trap called"the meal plan." The meal program, if you're unfamiliar with it, is when girls go on dates with men just to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she certainly fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all of the dates I had gone on until that point: all 37 dates to be exact. How could women take advantage of me like this? As I matured in my internet relationship, however, I realized that this was really a response for what men do to women. Online dating sucks, but... There are 3 major levers in our lives that, if we pull them properly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships are the difference between depression and elation. I learned this firsthand because in the last 5 years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at once. I quit the career I had been building for over 7 years and I left my 10-year relationship with my girlfriend that I believed I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and dating novice. I was depressed. I was scarred. One day, I was sitting in the shower feeling sorry for myself for over an hour. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene triggered and a little voice in my head said,"you're going to give up? No, no you're not. You're going to kick on online dating's ass!" I began to channel my misery into anger, and my anger into determination. I started to approach online dating like one big experiment. I began creating what I predicted,"The Process." In this blog post I'll take you through the whole process I took to learn online dating. From optimizing your profile, A/B testing your descriptions, starting meaningful conversations, and even crafting interesting dates. We'll discuss how to streamline the online dating process so that you can't just get dates, but possibly discover the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I must preface that based on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process may have to be different than the below. But, the important takeaway here is to pull back the feelings that come from dating and treat it like an experiment.

2. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I will go meet fascinating people and do interesting things," you'll be more likely to enjoy the process. And, if you're diligent, you might end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I have been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 years and we have moved in together. So maybe these strategies are not all that mad, but maybe they are, I'll leave it for you to judge. Listen to the Modern Dating Show Podcast for more tips, tricks, and embarrassingly real stories. Note: You can also hear the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a whole lot of these strategies as we navigate the current struggles and embarrassments of his own dating journey (and answer listener questions). STEP 1 -- Decide what you're looking for The absolute most common mistake I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is they don't define their goal obviously. Deep down inside, most of us know whether we are searching for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario I've discovered is that both women and men that are searching for a meaningful relationship are optimizing their dating for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with internet dating, she asked me to help her with her OKCupid profile. She is an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' quite beautiful, a real 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she would need my help. In less than 5 seconds I saw the problem. The photos I saw in her profile looked like they belonged more on thechive.com rather than on any dating site. Basically, so as to optimize for getting dates, Maddy had chosen to only include her most provocative photos. Now I want to be clear, there's nothing wrong with women having"promiscuous" pictures online. The issue, in the event of dating, is the arrangement of a dating profile and what you contribute with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to intuitively pick up on visual cues much faster than written hints. In fact, they have found that men that are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by without even activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles hide most information other than the profile photograph until a user clicks, leading with provocative photographs sets a bad first impression. So, while it's totally fine to have hot photos up on your instagram, leading together in your online dating profile is sending signals that may be attracting the wrong sort of guy. Additionally, there are plenty of classy ways to have interesting pictures that speak to more than just the subconscious mind. Online dating pictures can be both intriguing and classy So, although Maddy was trying to locate a relationship, her photographs were only sending signals that she's looking for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag guys filling up her inbox. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 4

3. For men, we tend to have the opposite issue. Every man who has done online dating will attest to the struggle of getting a girl to swipe right on their profile, let alone to make them engage in a conversation. Men, this is entirely your own fault. I've seen men spend hours talking about the numbers of their favorite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, as well as how financial reports will effect the team's chances. But, when it comes to online dating, men tend to slap a few pictures in their profile and then start swiping like orangutans till their fingers develop calluses. Guys, stop. Before you start creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you're trying to achieve. Are you trying to date a great deal of people? Or are you trying to find a meaningful relationship? And"both" is not an answer. As the saying goes... "If you try to appeal to everybody, you will interest no one." The techniques I'll outline below work for desired outcome, but the choices you make will vastly affect your"conversion" rate. For example, the first time I mastered everything in this process, I started going on a great deal of dates (3--4 per week, weekly ), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I only realized months after that, while it is good to go on a great deal of dates and get practice relationship (remember I was off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to be sure I had been dating the right people. Fortunately I realized this before I was the victim of some more"meal programs ." STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile pictures and descriptions First impressions matter. According to a study from Princeton, it's estimated that in any relationship, whether its work or social, we make

4. our mind up about whether we like the person in less than one second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is the first impression you make is based solely on your profile picture. They do not get to hear you talk. They do not get to shake your hand. They don't get to smell you (it is a thing). All you get is one picture and there's a 99% chance it is the wrong one. If a person is approaching online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to test is your profile picture. I started this process in a very unscientific way... I went to every female friend I knew and asked her what she thought of my photos. One hundred, and I mean 100% of them said that my first picture wasn't my best. It was interesting feedback, but I wasn't sure how I could test multiple pictures considering that I could only put one as the default. The response: testing across apps. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, and the dreaded Tindr. I kept my profile description the same on every profile, but I put up a different profile picture on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles until I could get a large enough sample size and make certain that the platform wasn't effecting results. Four of my real dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture which I thought was my best was always the one with the least games. Interestingly enough, a picture I did not read into, pic B, was really a massive turn off for pretty much 100 percent of women. When I asked them why, without skipping a beat they answered,"it makes you look like a player." I was shocked when I found this out, because the two girls in that photo are really good friends of mineso that I never would have made that connection. Sometimes your photographs can be your greatest blind spot. To totally test out this idea, I really enrolled a few friends (both men and women) into the experiment and had them change their profile pictures. They got varied results, but one thing was consistent: the picture they thought was their best, never performed the best. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 2 This is a super simple optimization that can seem to be a pain now, but it is going to save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20 percent of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them often.

5. Top Tip: If you would like to speed up this process, you can actually ask your matches exactly what they think of your pictures. If a conversation with a match wasn't going well, I decided to get some"user feedback" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photos she believed was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I was not getting jobs.) In highschool I had a history teacher, Mr. Hernandez, who gave me the worst piece of advice I've ever received:"just be yourself" Now, part of the error may be my fault, because I took his advice quite literally. I started to speak my thoughts, dress how I wanted to dress, and behave how I wanted to act. This turned out to be a horrible idea. Without any filter or thought behind my actions, I rubbed more than a few people the wrong way. Now that I've matured a bit, I've come to understand that there's a difference between being your total self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are never our complete selves except when we're by ourselves. Seth Godin has a wonderful podcast on"signals," which you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we knowingly choose which signs to give to other men and women. A guy wearing a button up top, as an instance, is not always wealthy, but the button up top is putting out the sign that he's wealthy. Much like someone who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is indicating she does not want to follow society's rules, the guy in the button up shirt is signaling that he's okay with subsequent convention. In college I met a girl at a party who immediately caught my attention. I approached her and we immediately hit off. We spent the whole party dancing and flirting. We made plans to have a lunch date in the college cafeteria later that week. I got to the cafeteria early and chose to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a woman walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed all in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace round her neck. At first I did not even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we started talking. After some awkward conversation, she explained that her friends were sick of her being single so they had dressed her up to be"cuter" for the party to attract a guy. I was that guy. I didn't care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized we had practically nothing in common. The outfit she'd used as a sign at the party didn't match her personality in any way. We ended the date cordially and proceeded on. Choosing your signals is great, but picking false signals not so much. You don't want to lie, but you also don't want to be your complete self. You want to tell them about how you collect classic records, you don't want to tell them about the way you cry every time a U2 song comes on. You want to tell them about the way you volunteer at the animal shelter, you do not want to let them know about how you ran over your cat.

6. Crafting a fantastic description is perhaps the toughest and personal bit of improving rozmowa na tinderze your online dating profile. There is no ideal answer, but there are definitely some wrong answers. The first step to having a good dating profile description is using a very clear structure. I break down a dating profile description into 3 parts: Headline: A brief sentence someone can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A little longer description that gives some color to your interests and character. Call to Action: A desirable action you want them to take. Online dating is inherently awkward, so help the other person by letting them know something that you two can talk about. Ladies this is particularly true for you. If you do not want guys messaging you"hey" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to begin the conversation with. The Headline Unfortunately, people tend to surf online dating programs the way they surf social networking sites: fast and without much thought. It could be, in fact, that mobile devices have trained us to surf everything in a similar manner. Due to this, I think the headline is perhaps the most important piece of your description and you need to try different variations until you find one that works for you. After a lot of testing I discovered that this one worked best for me: The objective of the headline is to give a quick snapshot of what is unique about you. Having a headline that's authentic, interesting, and short acts like a stop sign for the person who is scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their cell phone. If you ask any top-performing marketer,"how do I create content which will be successful?" It is likely that they'll laugh at the question. As any solid content marketer knows, great content is about respecting the medium that you are creating the content for. For instance, if I went into a woman in a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active," she'll definitely get up and leave. The opposite is true for online relationship, however. You need your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or a single sentence, and be sure that it is quintessentially you. Once that initial curiosity is peaked, you can start paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This isn't the time to compose a book about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this individual, your picture and headline being the first two. The intro paragraph gives a little bit of colour and possibly some talking points that you two can talk about in conversation (again, ladies, this is extremely important to include if you would like to have more meaningful conversations).

7. The intro paragraph that worked best for me was: "I love being outside as much as you can! Some of my favourite items are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I'm a creative at heart but I love learning about businesses and new ideas. I am into photography, layout, and Tim Ferriss. My perfect Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a fantastic book at Promenade cafe." This paragraph outlines a few basic activities and hobbies I like and some non-standard things like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The main thing to remember about this section is to avoid the generic actions that could apply to pretty much anybody. I can't tell you how many profiles I've seen that list things like: "I enjoy hanging out with friends, watching movies, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I am positive that there are people in the world who don't like watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95 percent or more of those people in your area enjoy those things too. Rather than attempting to fit in, try to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so you can find common ground, but also things which are uniquely you. For example in my description above: -- Most people like being outdoors and photography. -- Some people like surfing, climbing, and volleyball. -- But very few people like learning about companies or Tim Ferriss. This is optional, even though it certainly helps. In marketing, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they have viewed your content. In relationship, you basically want the individual to message you. This sounds like a no brainer, but I have found that a whole lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they eventually become discouraged from making initial contact. I have heard countless stories of girls who have matched with a guy who they really like, but the man never messages them. When I ask them why they don't message first, it is said that they don't know what to say or they don't want to seem desperate. Butobviously you don't want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have a single section that states: "You should message me if..." ← This is OkCupid's sub-heading but you can just manually add it on other online dating apps too. Again, as with all this advice, when in doubt just test it out. Try using a call to action and see if your conversations

8. improve. When they don't, simply delete it. The attractiveness of dating apps is that rather than having 1--5 chances to make a connection, as you would if you went to a pub for example, you have thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making first talking and contact The place where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" relationship is when it has to do with the conversation. Having to talk online as your first conversation is a massive limitation when you are trying to start a new relationship. For starters, it's a really unnatural way of communicating, since it's been proven that we receive 55% of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communicating. It makes sense then that if you take millions of people and put them in an unnatural communication environment you get some pretty unnatural conversations. While it may be fun to play around with bizarre conversation openers, if you're serious about finding a fantastic relationship through online relationship, then it is a fantastic idea to study your results a little bit. This gave me the opportunity to begin testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I just would not have been able to see if I did not have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I will spare you some of the terrible thoughts I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let us examine how well you can judge a fantastic opener from a bad one. QUIZ Which of the following conversation starters performs the best? How's it going?" How was your weekend?" C) "Question: Batman or Superman?" (or some other variation of the sort of question). D) "Hey! (according to a book they listed in their profile) I will let you think about it for a second. (I'll add some distance before the answer below. Scroll as soon as you're ready.) Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response

9. Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response And the answer is... If you guessed D, you chose the best answer! (If you guessed C, you chose the worst response.) In order of best to worst, the answers are D, B, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to some conversation starter. While I found that the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X book," that obviously depends if they have put a book in their profile. You can modify this to ask about some other part of their profile, like a movie or a location in their pictures. The reason I guess the book one works best though is because a) it shows you actually read their profile and b) it shows that you read. If I may use the book opener to start a conversation I usually also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x book? I am currently reading'Losing my Virginity' by Richard Branson and highly recommend it!" (This is the way I opened the conversation with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I started with this opener felt a lot more natural and moved past a few messages. The second best option,"Hey! How was your weekend?" Works nearly as well, but it is obviously limited to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be strange if you used this on a Friday). An alternate version I tried on Thursdays or Fridays was,"Hey! Have any fun plans for the weekend?" This worked pretty well, but not nearly as well. I suspect it is because it sounds too much like I am about to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think of something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you've made contact and another person has responded, it's time to have a dialogue. Every conversation varies, but there are a few guidelines that I'll put in here as suggestions. First, some online dating suggestions for guys: DON'T try to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can't tell you how many messages my female friends have shown me that noise objectively psychotic. The sad thing is that I know that the guy is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation just like you want a friend. DO attempt to talk about things she's interested in but also add your own ideas. Among the most common complaints I have heard from female friends is they feel like they're being interviewed. Be sure that you ask questions, but that you also share things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her body or appearance. Regardless of how well intentioned you are, it will be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you are so beautiful! You've got a cute smile! You're..." will only lead to a polite"thank you" and won't create meaningful conversation.

10. Now, a couple of online dating suggestions for girls: DO be nice and help direct the conversation. Even when I've tried to be friendly and nice, I have still received very curt or standoff-ish responses. No matter how much guys pretend that they don't care about the conversation, they do. And they usually don't have any clue what they are doing, so offer them some help and guide the dialogue in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking some of your own. If you are tired of discussions feeling like interviews, then be certain to ask the guy about things he is interested in as well. It takes two to tango. DON'T make judgments too soon. In my experience women have a tendency to put a good deal more thought into their text messages than men do. If a man says something that seems weird or strange, give him the benefit of the doubt and do not read too much into it, chances are he didn't either. Now a proposal for the two parties: Try to move the dialogue from online to in real life relatively fast. Online dating is a excellent tool to fulfill someone, but it's just that. It is a tool, it isn't actual dating. My overall recommendation for moving from online to in real life is one long conversation or two brief conversations. It should never take more than a week to establish a date. So, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have begun talking about having a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the programs, but also get them off quickly. In real life is a good deal more fun too in case you know how to set up great dates... Step 4 -- Creating a date sequence that will make you smile more and sweat less Once I had mastered the online portion of dating, I soon realized that securing the date is just half the battle. The second half of this battle, how well the date goes, is largely determined before you have even set out from your house. In which you have your date decides about 50--70% of the outcome of the date. But a question... Where is the worst place to have a date? As it turns out, it's actually at the most frequently selected dating place: A sit-down restaurant.

11. At first I was taking all of my dates to restaurants for dinner. But bear in mind, I was completely new to relationship so I was only following what I'd seen in movies. Many of them did not go well, but I was not certain why. After a dozen or so embarrassing (and pricey ) dates, I determined that I should experiment with several other locations. What happened next was absolutely mind blowing. Almost like flipping a light switch, my dates improved tremendously. It was not that I was doing anything differently or that I was choosing better girls to go on dates with, it was simply a matter of context. Here's why I think dinner dates do not work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger outside a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a desk. You begin speaking, then the waiter interrupts asking about beverages. You choose beverages. You continue to speaking. The waiter interrupts again for your food order. You're not ready to order since you have been talking. The waiter gives you"another minute." You examine the menu making remarks about the choices. The server comes back ten minutes later. You then run out of things to talk about. What do you do next? You have to keep talking. A dinner date provides no options. It is a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost instantly. This problem is exacerbated by the fact that most of us are getting worse at getting in-person conversations. Spending so much time online has enhanced our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in- person communication skills. So, if we are getting worse at having in-person discussions, why would you bet your entire love life on the fact you will be able to have an amazing in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I had been holding on to a little ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet over the ground like a giant cat toy. My fingers began to sweat and I knew that I couldn't hold on to the ledge much longer. "O well," I thought,"this is going to be a good bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I anticipated the sharp jolt of the rope in my climbing harness. However, there was no jolt. I started falling for what felt like eternity. As it turns out, my climbing partner had let go of the rope just as I'd slipped off the ledge. She panicked and didn't catch the rope until I had fallen 15 feet to what I was certain was my upcoming death. Eventually the rope eventually stopped and I felt a huge jolt, both physically and emotionally. "Okay this date might be a little too exciting," I thought. My whole dating profession made a 180-degree turn when I started carrying my dates on fun activities rather than dinners. I'd take them to play tennis, rock climb, festivals, picnics at the beach, music shows, and everything in between. A number of these activities worked better than others. But I found out that the most crucial elements to a wonderful date spot could be distilled into three classes:

12. Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you are walking, your scenery is changing so you can pick up new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked guy on rollerblades!" Action -- Can we both do the activity reasonably well? I've seen guys get this one fairly wrong. It's fun to teach someone something that you are passionate about, but be certain it is not too hard. Taking a girl rock climbing? Make sure she isn't afraid of heights first. Scalability -- Can the date grow or shrink in scale as needed? Having a great time? Great! No chemistry? No problem, how do we end the date earlier? Using these three criteria, I crafted a 3 date sequence which nearly doubled the number of successful dates I went on. Now I know what you are thinking,"This man took women out to the very same places like it was some sort of regimented assembly line?" No. This was my go-to sequence, but, depending on interests, I'd substitute unique activities to keep the dates interesting. This was simply a template which simplified my choices and reduced the cognitive load I was putting in my mind. Happy brain = Happy dates. So here's my ideal dating sequence: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks every Friday by the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the difficulties of inviting someone out to dinner is that everyone has different food tastes. Then (if you are a guy) you have to account for cost of meals. Off the grid accomplishes this because there are over 20 distinct types of (affordable) cuisine. It also allows you to walk around, people watch, and get drinks. Queue the awkward white-boy dance moves. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a couple of go-tos, specifically: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the beach. Why I like it: What these activities had in common were the 3 variables: walkability, activity, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, grab cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favorite bar, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we can alternate between talking and activity. If we did a picnic on the shore, we can go for romantic walks or huddle around a fire pit on Ocean Beach. Why I like it: This date was particularly important because if a woman had made it #3, it meant I really liked her. It also meant we might take the relationship to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, also it was a semi-formal event so we could both dress nicely for that special night. This was also my secret evaluation because if a girl did not like facts and science it probably would not work out between us anyway. Listen to each of the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are merely three examples of how to take online dating offline and create a reasonably successful dating sequence. Here are a few ideas on what to search for on each date as you attempt to create your own dating sequence: Date #1: Search for a casual environment that is not intimidating. Dark bars or loud places don't make for great

13. conversation. Be certain that you can reliably visit this place, so avoid places with long waits or where you need to make reservations. Make sure you are able to schedule the date for a weeknight (try not to book someone's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You've broken the ice and you've both agreed to a second date, so have fun with this one! Select an activity you'll both like that isn't too tricky. Avoid intimidating activities like karaoke, group sports, or water skiing. Ideally choose an activity which has a cadence in which you alternate between doing something and talking. Going on a 10 mile run is great for exercise, but it doesn't allow for conversation. Seeing a movie at a movie theater has similar limits. Date #3: You both confirmed you like each other, it is time to take it to the next level. Try to make this date a little more special than the first two. It should be romantic, it should test how compatible you really are, and it ought to confirm whether you want to keep on seeing each other long term. Following the excitement of dates one and two, there can be a lull in date 3, so make sure whatever you select provides new intimacy to the connection. For instance, if I didn't visit the Cal Academy I'd go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Obtaining your Timing Right Perhaps one of the most important pieces of the internet dating puzzle that I see men screw up again and again is timing. Assuming the guy is the one forcing the relationship sequence (which is not always the case) there are some questions you need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? How long should you wait between date 1 and date 2? When should you sleep together? Here I will share my answers to these questions that I've found most useful. But again, depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort your answers may vary. I'll share my experience (as a heterosexual man living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The important thing is to actually consider timing, as opposed to leaving it up to"feeling" Going from Online to Offline It's very easy to let a great online conversation die out. You message , she messages you, back and forth, back and forth. To be able to make certain I don't waste all my time with online conversations I found that it was best to ask a girl to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or roughly 20 minutes of constant conversation. Again, try not to linger at the safe-space of the virtual world too long. It may feel like it's necessary, but it's very easy to waste a lot of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 once I was 25, working as"the new guy" in a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales staff. Every day I overheard their sales calls where they would utilize their jedi mind tricks to close deals with multi-million dollar accounts.

14. One thing I noticed is that every time they were finishing a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week after that? O that's no great also. Okay how about the week after that?" No matter what the prospect said, the salesperson would insist on at least"penciling" the next meeting into the calendar with the choice of cancelling if desired. Once I took this technique and applied it to relationship, it led to a pretty incredible results. This rule is somewhat contrarian, but it's worked really well: Always ask for the next date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you're putting yourself out there. You are opening yourself up to strangers and in return you're getting a lot of uncertainty. Nobody likes uncertainty. No one likes to check their phone every hour to determine if you've texted them or not. No one likes to wonder whether you like them or not. Surprisingly, most people do not mind if you do not like them, they only want to know. So my suggestion would be to quit playing games, both with the other person and on your own. If you like them, tell them you like them. If you do not, have the respect to let them know you don't. (A gentle means to do this is by telling them that you aren't prepared to date at this time. I had a girl tell me and it was the simplest let down I have ever experienced and used it later myself also ). I should pause here for one caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not always. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get very excited by the person they have just met and then they proceed to constantly text them, call them, and see them day after day after day. Stop Chasing Shadows once I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He told me,"Women are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the longer they run away. The more you run away, the more they chase you." If you find someone who you want to be with really badly, don't frighten them away by being fanatical. If they like you too, there is no need to chase them. Yes, you should consciously try to establish a date, but there is no reason to go on dates each and every night of the week. Allow the relationship to get some breathing room. A good way to judge if a relationship is going well is if you end up missing the other person and vice versa. There's a lot of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there is even scientific proof for it as well. In several studies, anthropologists have discovered that many primates invest more effort into a relationships if the individuals in that connection have been forced apart. What is interesting is that researchers in the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same holds true in humans.

15. By data mining mobile phone records and comparing telephone patterns and length, the researchers at the university found that humans will also invest more effort into relationships when there is a risk of that relationship weakening. I tried applying this research to dating in a relatively straightforward way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse in between dates, ironically, makes the connection strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship I found worked fairly well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- variable This sequence meant that I'd spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for enough time for the connection to mature and helped me make sure I didn't suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the start of the post, these relationship approaches helped me tremendously, but based on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process may have to be different than the one above. In fact, because dating is such an emotional activity (similar to job hunting), it's imperative to have a system set up that will assist you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you are getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on an actual rollercoaster, it would be foolish to simply jump and continue. Making certain you have that lap belt secured and that you have been on a few less extreme rides will help you enjoy the ride a whole lot more. As we often discuss about the podcast, even when you let go of expectations and just create your goal just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Like the help of world-class investors, you want to diversify your portfolio and decrease your chance of catastrophic failure. A means of doing this is by going on dates which aren't just sit-down dinners, so that regardless of how your dating partner behaves, at least you'll have a fantastic time doing something fun. And, to decrease the risk, you need to build both an outreach and dating sequence so you decrease the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Locate a few activities you enjoy doing and then fit the dates into these activities. This is also a wonderful way to filter out people who aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long term. Of course, irrespective of how well I did all the above items, I had my share of terrible dates. The woman who used me as a meal plan being just one of many. Dating is a rollercoaster that will scare you, challenge you, and sometimes make you wish you had never gotten on. But bear in mind, when you're feeling down and enjoy giving up on love altogether: "You're never as bad as they say you are, you are also not as good as you think you are."

16. Take every date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you work on your own, improving your conversations, your dates, and your relationship with other people, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. If you enjoyed this post, I would super love if you hit the green hand clap button below so that more people can discover it. And, if you have any more questions about relationship, hear our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the show.