Session 13: Understanding and Controlling Emotions

1. Session 13: Understanding and Controlling Emotions

2. Reflect for a moment on how you think about emotions: • Are they healthy? Or are they, as the stoics of Jesus’ time thought, our adversary? • Are they just irrational responses to be quickly controlled and suppressed? Or are they filled with judgments of value? • Are they a valuable part of our development process?

4. Artisanship and the Lifelong Pursuit of Wisdom Part I Artisanship: Mastering Your Craft (3 messages) Part II The Skillful Life (6 messages) Part III The Lifelong Pursuit of Wisdom (2 messages)

5. Artisanship and the Lifelong Pursuit of Wisdom Part II The Skillful Life (6 messages) There is a wisdom corpus (body of literature) in the O.T. It gives us a taxonomy (disciplined framework) by which to live life. We must master this wisdom body of literature!

6. Artisanship and the Lifelong Pursuit of Wisdom Basics of a Skillful Life (A Perfect Taxonomy) • Character and Mental Acumen • Money, Honesty, and Disciplined Work Habits • Marriage, Children, and an Ordered Home • Emotions, Words, and Skill in Conflict • Authority, Respect, and Generational Harmony

7. We have created a tool to guide you in mastering the Proverbs. In fact, we have a course and resource notebook with tabs, work-sheets, and a reader . . . and eventually videos and a workbook.

8. …a habit of lifelong learning …character development • character types • character traits • mental acumen The Skillful Life 65 Categories 33 6 …living harmoniously in community …respect for authority and administration …kinds of generations …justice …disciplined in work …honest and fair practices …good use of money One leading a skillful life 6 …dealing wisely and fairly with people …control of emotions and words ...handling conflict …well ordered home …an excellent wife …discipline of children 14 6

9. Core Life Skills Emotions, People, and Skill in Conflict 14 subcategories The Careful Use of Words Conflict and Strife Counsel and Reproof Understanding and Controlling Emotions

10. Core Life Skills Emotions, People, and Skill in Conflict 14 subcategories • Understanding and Controlling Emotions • Unpleasant Emotions: • anger • discouragement /sorrow • fear/anxiety • envy/jealousy • bitterness /envy/revenge

11. Core Life Skills Emotions, People, and Skill in Conflict 14 subcategories • Understanding and Controlling Emotions • Pleasant Emotions: • happiness/joy/laughter • love • security/peace • satisfaction/delight/prosperous/healthy • respected

12. Understanding Emotions He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin. Proverbs 13:3 Guard lips = keep watch over them, don’t let everything out. Guard lips = guard life (soul, desires, emotions, passions). Speak rashly = open lips, speak impetuously, speak too much, also twist lips, grin (KB) a talker (BDB). Speaks of garrulous ego-speech (Waltke).

13. Understanding Emotions Emotions are so powerful that they are capable of ruining our lives. We can say things out of an emotional base that can cause us to ruin our marriages, lose our jobs, destroy our friendships, and alienate our children. But are emotions our adversary? In some traditions they are viewed that way: the Stoics of Jesus’ day, the Victorians, those surviving the Great Depression. All this proverb says is that our emotions—our passions—if not guarded, can ruin our lives.

14. Understanding Emotions An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up. Proverbs 12:25 Anxious = restlessness, worry, attitude of distress (LN) Heart refers to one’s inner self. Weighs down is to bow down; be despondent, discouraged. Kind word can mean a usable word, a quality word, a pleasing word, a friendly word. (KB) This proverb gives great insight into depression.

15. Understanding Emotions Our emotions are often unstable, moving from weighing us down and depressing us when attached to an anxious thought to capable of being lifted up by the simple cheerful word of another person. This is generally true of everyone, even if you pride yourself in having a stoic demeanor. If this is not true of you then you are not normal.

16. Understanding Emotions Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs. Proverbs 10:12 Hatred = strong dislike Covers = keep it to oneself, keeps information from others; can also mean decorates; can also mean forgives. Love—familial, strong affection.

17. Understanding Emotions Strong dislike for another person (an emotional thing) will result in trouble between people. But love (an emotional thing) builds protects and builds people up. Our emotions can be positive or negative in our lives, and can be positive or negative in others’ lives. This may seem obvious at first, but hang with me.

18. Understanding Emotions Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city. Proverbs 16:32 Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared. Proverbs 22:24–25

19. Understanding Emotions • Patient = a sense of well being • Temper = deeply troubled in his spirit • Two things about emotions are learned here. • Once we learn to control our emotions, we obtain a warrior like strength, and it is a great asset in life. • Emotions can be learned! • Anytime we allow our spirit to be troubled, we are not dealing adequately with what is going on inside. These negative emotions (anger, anxiety, depression) are powerful internal indicators.

20. Understanding Emotions What the wicked dreads will overtake him; what the righteous desire will be granted. Proverbs 10:24 A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. Proverbs 14:30

21. Understanding Emotions • Emotions come in pairs: • Dread/desire • Dread (negative emotion) = dreaded fear, anxiety (LN). • Desires (positive emotion) = craving, to want something desirable; bounty, choice things (LN). • Peace/envy • Peace (positive emotion) = healthy, peaceful state, one who has experienced healing (LN). • Envy (negative emotion) = jealousy (BDB), hostile or disruptive passions, over zealous for one’s property (TWOT).

22. Understanding Emotions • Emotions come in pairs. This has many implications. • We need to recognize that we are always close to both the negative side and the positive side of emotions. • Dread/desire • Peace/envy • Our emotions are indicators of life direction and outcomes, well before the outcome. (Dread precedes what is dreaded, thus our emotions are markers.) • Paying attention to our negative emotions, dealing with what they are indicating, will result in positive emotions.

23. Understanding Emotions Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12 • Grief (heart sick)/Longing fulfilled = emotions. • Hope = a positive future prospect, future expectations (LN). • Deferred = prolonged, taken away, pulled (LN). • Longing = desire for pleasure, bounty, good things of quality (LN). • Fulfilled = when it arrives (LN).

24. Understanding Emotions • Again we see two emotions • Grief (heart sick)/Longing fulfilled • One brings grief and hurt; the other is the essence of life (true joy). • It also implies that the wise person, in God’s timing, will see true joy.

25. Understanding Emotions Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy. Proverbs 14:10 Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on soda, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart. Proverbs 20:25

26. Understanding Emotions Emotions are very deep. In one sense, only the person experiencing them can know them at that time (i.e. bitterness/joy—again a pair). We must be careful not to minimize the emotional experience of another. Trying to get them out of a deep emotion by trivializing it with a song is not a good idea. We trivialize children’s emotions all the time, I think!

27. Understanding Emotions The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out. Proverbs 20:5 Here the same word for heart is used again. It is the inner man, his real plans and purposes, fused by and encased in his emotions. A wise man develops the capacity to work though this emotional heart to create awareness and understanding of what is really there.

28. Understanding Emotions Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe. Proverbs 29:25 Do not let your heart envy sinners, but always be zealous for the fear of the Lord. Proverbs 23:17

29. Understanding Emotions • Again we can see emotions in pairs: • Fear of man / trust in the Lord • Heart envy of sinners / zealous for fear of the Lord • Here we see some real base emotions—fear/trust. • And we see emotions attached to whole life intentions—envying people in this world or genuinely embracing God’s purposes. Both mark my emotion and passion as major drivers, which we can see, and others as well.

30. Understanding Emotions • A happy heart makes the face cheerful, • but heartache crushes the spirit. • Proverbs 15:13 • Happy heart/heartache • Happy = rejoicing, glad, a merrymaker, light heart from wine. • Heartache = wound, suffering, mental state of pain.

31. Understanding Emotions • Heart = the seat of these negative/positive emotional pairs • Heavy heart—peaceful, quiet • Envious heart—zealous for the Lord • Anxious heart—encouraging, constructive words • Sick (depressed) heart—hope • Bitter heart—love • Grieving heart (heartache)—emotional healing needed

32. Understanding Emotions The blessing of the Lord brings wealth, and he adds no trouble to it. What the wicked dreads will overtake him; what the righteous desire will be granted. The prospect of the righteous is joy, but the hopes of the wicked come to nothing. The righteous will never be uprooted, but the wicked will not remain in the land. Proverbs 10:22, 24, 28, 30 Here you can see several emotions clustered together.

33. Understanding Emotions From the fruit of his lips a man is filled with good things, as surely as the work of his hands rewards him. Proverbs 12:14 The sluggard craves and gets nothing, but the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied. Proverbs 13:4 Here emotions are tied to the right and wrong paths.

34. Understanding Emotions • Pairs and Clusters • Dread/desire • Peace/envy • Grief/ fulfillment • Bitterness/joy (love) • Fear/trust • Envy/zealousness (passion) • Heartache/happiness

35. Understanding Emotions The heart of emotional health The fear of the Lord leads to life: Then one rests content, untouched by trouble. Proverbs 19:23 Range of Positive Emotions Contentment Fully satisfied Joy Feeling blessed

36. Understanding Emotions Emotions are real. We all experience them as a part of life’s ebb and flow, and God’s development process. They are key indicators of what path we are on. Emotional heath is possible when on the path of life—the wise path—which is primarily identified with contentment, satisfaction, joy, and the feeling of being blessed or the state of well-being. They are key to judging our values.

37. Understanding Emotions University of Chicago “Tour de force” on emotions. Big idea: “Emotions…involve judgments about important things.” And they are quite reliable, often more so than rational thought.

38. Understanding Emotions Catalogue of emotional/mental disorders. Many lifelong. Deep waters. This is not easy stuff. But we can go a long way towards emotional well-being if we understand the basics of emotions from a wisdom perspective.

39. Dealing with 21st Century Emotional Problems General Life Skills (65 Categories) Special Skills (DSM – IV) Understanding Emotions (Deep Waters)

40. Understanding EmotionsThe Great Idea of Emotions • Emotions are very powerful and have the capability of ruining our lives. • We are all susceptible to vacillating, destabilizing emotions. This is normal. We are capable of being depressed by a single thought and lifted up by a single word. • Much of our thinking is emotionally based—intense dislike of another or deep affection for another, and both positions have major relational consequences. • Emotions can be learned, and when we learn to master them we develop warrior-like strength in life.

41. Understanding EmotionsThe Great Idea of Emotions • Emotions come in pairs, and it seems that we can go either direction with an emotion—positive or negative. • Our emotions are life indicators of tremendous value in helping us make value judgments, which we will not see by just using rational thought and analysis. We must pay attention to them, not suppress them or see them as signs of weakness. • We should never minimize the emotional experience of another. Trying to get them out of a deep emotional experience by being overly cheery is the wrong approach. • We need to develop the ability to get into the emotional deep water of others’ lives and draw out the real issues of their lives.

42. Understanding EmotionsThe Great Idea of Emotions • We can expect to experience significant grief when our longings and future expectations are delayed or taken from us. It is often like losing life, just as when realizing them is the essence of life. Again, whether it’s the experience of a small child's disappointment or the loss of a loved one, this is normal. • Emotions attach themselves to our whole life direc- tion and are very reliable indicators of what we are really doing with our lives. • Emotional heath is possible when on the path of life— the wise path—which is primarily identified with contentment, satisfaction, joy, and the feeling of being blessed or the state of well-being.

43. Implications of This Study • If you are a stoic type, critical of people who are emotional, proud of the fact that you are not emotional or don’t show emotions, then you have an emotional disorder yourself. You need to become real. • If you are often an emotional wreck and unstable, far more than the normal person, you need to know that emotions are within your power to shape. You need to develop control habits for your emotions. • We need to learn to trust our emotions as markers. We all need to know that emotions contain value judgments of where we really are in our lives and relationships, of which we are often unconscious.

44. Using this guide, go to Part I and pick one individual proverb. • Careful use of words • Conflict and strife • Counsel and reproof • Understanding and controlling emotions • Unpleasant emotions • Pleasant emotions

45. Front of Life Cycle Guide— Proverbs Worksheet • Cycle 3: Young & Middle Adulthood • Proverbs Worksheet • Proverb __20:5_______ • Date __________________ • Explanation of Proverb: • The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, • but a man of understanding draws them out. • Proverbs 20:5 • Issue & Questions: • Issue: Deep waters of a person’s heart • Questions: • 1. In what way is our heart like deep waters? • 2. What is swirling around in those waters? What role do • emotions play in the depth of the waters found in a person? • 3. What is it that is being drawn out? Why does it require a skilled person to draw it out?

46. Back of Life Cycle Guide—Proverbs Worksheet • Life Situation • VT massacre • Projects • Observe people’s emotions for a week and take notes. • Study the pairs and develop a serious skill of reading emotions. • Memory Verse Back of 3 x 5 Memory Card Front of 3 x 5 Memory Card Long-term prayer request and answers Category Proverb