Why You Should Forget About Improving Your jak napisać na tinderze

1. THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: Tips, tricks, and manipulations to Browse the pains and pitfalls She looked me directly in the eyes and smiled. Still, no response. It definitely wasn't my best moment, but it wasn't hers either. Apparently, as I found out later, I had fallen into a trap called"the meal program." The meal program, if you're unfamiliar with it, is when women go on dates with guys merely to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she certainly fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all the dates I had gone until that point: all 37 dates to be precise. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like that? Especially since I was being so vulnerable by putting myself out there to ask them out in the first place. As I matured in my online dating, however, I realized that this was really a response for what men do to women. Online dating sucks, but... There are three significant levers in our lives that, if we pull on them correctly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships can be the difference between depression and elation. I learned this firsthand because in the past five years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at the same time. I stopped the career I had been building for more than 7 years and I left my 10-year relationship with my girlfriend who I believed I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and relationship novice. I was scared. After 9 months of misery and frustration I was about to give up on online dating all together. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene triggered and a small voice in my head said,"you're going to give up? No, no you are not. You are going to kick online dating's ass!" I started to channel my distress into anger, and my anger into determination. I started to approach online dating like one big experiment. I started creating what I predicted,"The Process." In this blog post I'll take you through the entire process I took to master online dating. By optimizing your profile, A/B analyzing your descriptions, beginning meaningful conversations, as well as crafting interesting dates. We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so that you can't only get dates, but maybe discover the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I should preface that depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process might have to be different than the under. But, the important takeaway here is to pull back the feelings that come from dating and treat it like an experiment.

2. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I'm going to go meet interesting people and do interesting things," you will be more inclined to enjoy the procedure. And, if you are diligent, you might end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I have been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 decades and we have moved in together. So maybe these strategies aren't all that crazy, but perhaps they are, I'll leave it for you to judge. Listen to the Modern Dating Show Podcast for more tips, tricks, and embarrassingly real stories. Notice: You can also hear the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I pay a lot of these approaches as we navigate the present struggles and embarrassments of his own relationship journey (and answer listener questions). STEP 1 -- Decide what you're looking for The absolute most frequent error I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is they don't define their goal obviously. Deep down inside, most of us know whether we are looking for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario that I've discovered is that both men and women who are searching for a meaningful relationship are optimizing their relationship for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with internet dating, she asked me to help her with her OKCupid profile. She is an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' really beautiful, a real 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she'd need my help. In less than 5 seconds I saw the problem. The photos I saw in her profile looked like they belonged more on thechive.com rather than on any dating site. Basically, in order to maximize for getting dates, Maddy had chosen to only include her most provocative photos. Now I would like to be clear, there's nothing wrong with women having"promiscuous" pictures online. The problem, in the case of dating, is the format of a dating profile and what you contribute with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to intuitively pick up on visual clues much faster than written clues. In fact, they've found that men that are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by without even activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles hide most information aside from the profile photo until a user clicks, resulting in provocative photos sets a bad first impression. So, while it's totally fine to have hot photos up in your instagram, leading with them on your online dating profile is sending signals that could be attracting the wrong type of guy. Additionally, there are plenty of classy ways to possess interesting pictures that speak to more than just the unconscious brain. Internet Dating pictures can be both intriguing and classy So, although Maddy was trying to locate a relationship, her photographs were only sending signals that she's searching for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag guys filling up her inbox.

3. Every guy who has done online dating will testify to the battle of getting a woman to swipe directly on their profile, let alone to make them participate in a conversation. Guys, this is entirely your fault. I have seen men spend hours talking about the numbers of their favourite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, as well as how financial reports will effect the team's chances. But, when it comes to online dating, guys tend to slap a few pictures on their profile and then begin swiping like orangutans till their fingers develop calluses. Guys, stop. Before you begin creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you are trying to attain. Are you trying to date a lot of people? Or are you searching for a meaningful relationship? And"both" is not an answer. "If you try to appeal to everyone, you will interest no one." The techniques I'll outline below work for desired result, but the choices you make will significantly affect your"conversion" rate. By way of instance, the first time I mastered everything in this process, I started going on a lot of dates (3--4 per week, every week), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I just realized months after that, while it's great to go on a great deal of dates and get practice relationship (recall I was off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to be sure I was dating the right folks. Luckily I realized this before I had been the victim of some more"meal plans" STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile images and descriptions According to a study from Princeton, it's projected that in any relationship, whether its social or work, we make up our mind about if we like the person in less than 1 second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile image. They do not get to hear you speak. They don't get to shake your hand. They don't get to smell you (it's a thing). All you get is one picture and there's a 99% chance it is the wrong one. If a person is approaching online dating as an experiment, obviously the first thing to check is the profile picture. I started this process in a very unscientific way... I went to every female friend I knew and asked her what she thought of my pictures. One hundred, and I mean 100% of these said that my first image wasn't my best.

4. It was interesting feedback, but I wasn't sure how I could test multiple pictures considering I could only put one as the default option. The answer: testing across apps. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, along with the dreaded Tindr. I kept my profile description the exact same on each profile, but I put up another profile image on each. I rotated the images across profiles before I could find a big enough sample size and be certain that the platform wasn't effecting results. Four of my actual dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture which I thought was my best was always the one with the least matches. Interestingly enough, a picture that I did not read into, pic B, was actually a huge turn off for pretty much 100% of girls. I was shocked when I found this out, because the two women in that photo are actually good friends of mineso that I never would have made that connection. Sometimes your photos can be your biggest blind spot. To totally test out this idea, I actually enrolled a couple of friends (both men and women) to the experiment and had them change out their profile pictures. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 2 This is a super simple optimization that may look to be a pain today, but it will save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20% of work that will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them frequently. Top Tip: If you would like to speed this process up, you can actually ask your matches what they think of your pictures. If a conversation with a game wasn't going well, I decided to get some"user feedback" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photographs she thought was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I wasn't getting jobs.) Now, a part of this error may be my fault, because I took his advice quite literally. I began to speak my mind, dress how I wanted to dress, and act how I wanted to act. This turned out to be a very bad idea. With no filter or thought behind my actions, I rubbed more than a few people the wrong way. Now that I've matured a bit, I have come to realize that there is a difference between being your overall self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we're never our complete selves except when we are by ourselves.

5. Seth Godin has a great podcast on"signals," which you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we knowingly choose which signs to give to other men and women. A guy wearing a button up top, as an instance, isn't necessarily wealthy, but the button up shirt is putting out the sign that he is wealthy. Much like a person who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is signaling she does not want to follow society's rules, the guy in the button up shirt is signaling that he's okay with following convention. Signals matter. In college I met a woman at a party who immediately caught my eye. She was wearing a summer dress, flower earrings, and looked really cute. I approached her and we immediately hit off. We spent the entire party dancing and flirting. We made plans to have a lunch date at the college cafeteria later that week. I got to the cafeteria early and decided to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a woman walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed all in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace around her neck. At first I didn't even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we began talking. I was that man. I didn't care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized we had almost nothing in common. The outfit she'd used as a signal at the party did not match her personality at all. We ended the date cordially and proceeded on. Signals matter. Choosing your signals is great, but choosing false signals not so much. You do not want to lie, but you also don't want to be your complete self. You want to tell them about how you collect vintage records, you do not want to tell them about the way you cry every time a U2 song comes on. You want to tell them about the way you volunteer at the animal shelter, you don't want to tell them about how you ran over your cat. Crafting a fantastic description is perhaps the toughest and personal bit of improving your online dating profile. There is no right answer, but there are definitely some incorrect answers. The first step to getting a good dating profile description is using a clear structure. I break down a dating profile description into 3 parts: Headline: A brief sentence someone can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A bit longer description that gives some color to your interests and personality. Call to Action: A desired action you want them to take. Internet dating is inherently awkward, so help the other person by letting them know something that you can talk about. Ladies this is especially true for you. If you don't

6. want men messaging you"hello" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to begin the conversation with. Unfortunately, people tend to surf online dating apps the way they surf social media sites: quickly and without much thought. It could be, in fact, that mobile devices have trained us to browse everything in a similar manner. Due to this, I think the headline is perhaps the most crucial bit of your description and you need to try different variations until you find one that is right for you. After a lot of testing I found that this one worked best for me: The objective of the headline is to give a fast snapshot of what is unique about you. Having a headline that's authentic, interesting, and brief functions like a stop sign for the individual who is scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their cell phone. It is likely that they'll laugh at the question. As any solid content marketer knows, terrific content is about respecting the medium that you're producing the content for. For instance, if I went into a girl at a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, energetic," she will definitely get up and leave. The reverse is true for online dating, however. You want your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or a single sentence, and make sure that it is quintessentially you. The Intro Paragraph After that initial curiosity is peaked, you should start paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This isn't the time to compose a novel about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this person, your headline and picture being the first two. The intro paragraph gives a little bit of colour and perhaps some talking points that you two can discuss in conversation (again, ladies, this is incredibly important to add if you want to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph which worked best for me was: "I love being outside as much as possible! Some of my favourite items are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I'm a creative at heart but I really like learning about new and businesses ideas. I'm into photography, layout, and Tim Ferriss. My ideal Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a good book at Promenade cafe." This paragraph outlines a few basic activities and hobbies I like as well as some non-standard items like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The main thing to remember about this section is to avoid the generic activities that could apply to pretty much anybody.

7. "I enjoy hanging out with friends, watching movies, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I'm positive there are people in the world who don't like watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95% or more of the folks in your area enjoy those things too. As opposed to trying to fit in, attempt to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so it's possible to discover common ground, but also things that are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Most people like being outdoors and photography. -- But very few people like learning about businesses or Tim Ferriss. The Call To Action This is optional, even though it certainly helps. In advertising, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they have viewed your content. In relationship, you basically need the individual to message you. This seems like a no brainer, but I have found that a lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they eventually become discouraged from making first contact. I have heard countless stories of women who have matched with a guy who they really enjoy, but the guy never messages them. When I ask them why they do not message first, they say that they don't know what to say or they don't want to seem desperate. The call to action helps alleviate this problem by making it clear that you want them to message you. Butobviously you don't want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have a single section that states:

8. My CTA goes as follows: "You should message me if you are an interesting person who likes to play outside." Again, as with all this information, when in doubt just check it out. Try using a call to action and see whether your conversations improve. If they don't, just delete it. The beauty of dating programs is that instead of having 1--5 opportunities to make a connection, as you would if you went to a pub for instance, you have tens of thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making initial contact and chatting The place where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" dating is when it comes to the conversation. Having to talk online as your first conversation is a massive limitation when you're trying to start a new relationship. For starters, it is a really unnatural method of communicating, because it's been shown that we receive 55% of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communicating. It makes sense then that when you take countless people and put them in an unnatural communication environment you get some pretty unnatural conversations. While it might be fun to play around with bizarre conversation openers, if you are serious about finding a good relationship through online dating, then it is a good idea to study your results a little bit. This gave me the chance to begin testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I simply would not have been able to see if I didn't have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I will spare you some of the terrible thoughts I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let us test how well you can judge a fantastic opener from a poor one. For bonus points, try to order them from most effective to least effective. A) "Hey! What is it going?" B) "Hey! (or some other variation of this sort of question). D) "Hey! (based on a book they listed in their profile) I'll allow you to think about it for a second. (I'll add some distance before the answer below. Scroll as soon as you're ready.) Scroll for the answer

9. Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer And the answer is... If you guessed D, you picked the best answer! (If you guessed C, you chose the worst response.) In order of best to worst, the answers are D, B, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to some conversation starter. While I found that the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X book," that obviously depends if they've put a book in their profile. You can alter this to ask about some other part of their profile, such as a movie or a location in their pictures. The reason I suspect the book one works best though is because a) it shows you really read their profile and b) it shows that you read. If I can use the book opener to initiate a conversation I usually also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x publication? (This is how I opened the conversation with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I started with this opener felt much more natural and moved past a few messages. The second best option,"Hey! How was your weekend?" Works nearly as well, but it is obviously confined to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be odd if you used this on a Friday). An alternate version I tried on Thursdays or Fridays was,"Hey! Have any fun plans for the weekend?" This worked pretty well, but not nearly too. I suspect it is because it sounds too much like I am going to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think about something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you have made contact and another person has responded, it is time to have a conversation. Every conversation varies, but there are a few guidelines that I'll put in here as hints. First, some online dating tips for guys: DON'T attempt to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can't tell you how many messages my female friends have shown me that sound objectively psychotic. The sad thing is that I know that the man is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation like you want a friend. DO try to talk about things she is interested in but also add your own ideas. Among the most common complaints I have heard from female friends is that they feel like they're being interviewed. Make certain that you ask questions, but that you also share things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her body or appearance. Irrespective of how well intentioned you are, it will be

10. perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you're so beautiful! You have a cute smile! You are..." will only result in a polite"thank you" and will not create meaningful conversation. Now, a few online dating suggestions for women: DO be nice and help direct the conversation. Even when I've tried to be friendly and nice, I have still received quite curt or standoff-ish answers. No matter how much guys pretend that they don't care about the conversation, they do. And they usually have no clue what they are doing, so offer them some help and guide the dialogue in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking some of your own. If you're tired of discussions feeling such as interviews, then be certain to ask the guy about things he is interested in as well. DON'T make conclusions too soon. In my experience women have a tendency to place a lot more thought into their text messages than guys do. If a man says something that seems weird or odd, give him the benefit of the doubt and do not read too much into it, chances are he did not either. Now a suggestion for both parties: Try to move the dialogue from online to in real life relatively quickly. Online dating is a excellent tool to meet someone, but it's just that. It is a tool, it isn't actual dating. My general recommendation for moving from online to in real life is one long conversation or two brief conversations. It should never take more than a week to establish a date. Thus, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have begun talking about having a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the apps, but also get off them quickly. In real life is a lot more fun too if you know how to set up good dates... Step 4 -- Making a date sequence that will make you smile more and sweat less After I had mastered the online part of dating, I soon realized that securing the date is just half the battle. The second half of the battle, how well the date goes, is largely determined before you've even set out from your residence. Where you have your date determines about 50--70% of the results of the date. But first a question... Where is the worst place to have a date? As it happens, it's actually at the most frequently selected dating location: A sit-down restaurant.

11. Initially I was taking all my dates to restaurants for dinner. But bear in mind, I was completely new to relationship so I was just following what I'd seen in movies. Many of them did not go well, but I wasn't certain why. After a dozen or so embarrassing (and pricey ) dates, I decided that I need to experiment with several other locations. What occurred next was absolutely mind blowing. Almost like flipping a light switch, my dates enhanced tremendously. It was not I was doing anything differently or that I was picking better women to go on dates with, it was merely a matter of context. Here's why I think dinner dates do not work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger outside a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a desk. You start speaking, then the waiter interrupts asking about beverages. You choose beverages. You continue to speaking. The waiter interrupts again to your food order. You are not ready to order since you've been talking. The waiter gives you"another moment." You look at the menu making comments about the choices. The server comes back ten minutes later. You continue talking. Then you run out of things to talk about. What should you do next? There are no exits, nothing around to comment on, nothing to see or do. You need to keep talking. A dinner date provides no choices. It is a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost immediately. This problem is exacerbated by the fact that most of us are getting worse at getting in-person discussions. Spending so much time online has improved our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in- person communication skills. Therefore, if we're getting worse at getting in-person discussions, why would you bet your whole love life on the fact that you'll be able to have an amazing in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I was holding on to a small ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet above the floor like a giant cat toy. "O well," I thought,"this will be a great bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I anticipated the sharp jolt of the rope on my climbing harness. But there was no jolt. I started falling for what felt like eternity. As it turns out, my climbing partner had let go of the rope as I had slipped off the ledge. She panicked and didn't catch the rope until I had dropped 15 feet to what I was certain was my forthcoming death. Finally the rope eventually stopped and I felt a huge jolt, both physically and emotionally. My entire dating profession made a 180-degree turn when I began carrying my dates on fun activities rather than dinners. I'd take them to play tennis, rock climb, festivals, picnics at the beach, music shows, and everything in between. A number of these activities worked better than others. But I found out that the most essential elements to a wonderful date place could be distilled into three categories: Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you're walking, your scenery is changing so you can pick up new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked guy on rollerblades!"

12. Activity -- Can we both do the action reasonably well? I've seen guys get this one fairly wrong. It is fun to teach someone something that you're passionate about, but make sure it's not too hard. Taking a woman rock climbing? Make sure she isn't afraid of heights first. Scalability -- Would the date grow or shrink in scale as needed? Having a terrific time? Great! Let's go get dessert! No chemistry? No issue, how do we end the date earlier? With these three criteria, I crafted a three date sequence that nearly doubled the amount of successful dates I went on. I know what you are thinking,"This man took women out to the very same areas like it was some kind of regimented assembly line?" This was my go-to sequence, but, depending on interests, I'd substitute different activities to keep the dates intriguing. This was merely a template which simplified my decisions and reduced the cognitive load I was putting in my mind. Happy brain = Happy dates. So here is my ideal dating arrangement: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks every Friday from the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the problems of inviting someone out to dinner is that everybody has different food preferences. Then (if you're a man ) you've got to account for cost of food. Off the grid solves this since there are over 20 different kinds of (affordable) cuisine. Additionally, it lets you walk around, people watch, and get drinks. Feel like going all out? Date #2 -- Variable: This date could vary based on interests but I had a couple of go-tos, namely: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the beach. Why I like it: What these actions had in common were the 3 variables: walkability, activity, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, grab cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favourite pub, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we can alternate between activity and talking. Why I like it: This date was particularly important because if a girl had made it to date #3, it meant I really liked her. Additionally, it meant we might take the relationship to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, also it was a semi-formal event so we can both dress nicely for that special night. This was also my secret test because if a girl didn't like science and facts it probably would not work out between us anyway. As an additional bonus, it was also a 20-min walk from my place, so that helped with the"scalability" of the evening. Listen to each of the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are just three examples of how to take online dating offline and create a reasonably successful dating sequence. Here are a few tips on what to look for on every date as you attempt to make your own dating arrangement: Date #1: Look for a casual environment that is not intimidating. Dark bars or loud places don't make for great conversation. Be sure that you can reliably go to this place, so avoid places with long waits or where you will need to make reservations. Make sure you can schedule the date for a weeknight (try not to book a person's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You have broken the ice and you've both agreed to another date, so have fun with this one! Select an

13. activity you'll both like that is not too tricky. Ideally choose an activity that has a cadence in which you alternate between doing something and talking. Going on a 10 mile run is fantastic for exercise, but it doesn't allow for conversation. Watching a movie at a movie theater has similar limitations. Date #3: You both confirmed you like each other, it's time to take it to the next level. Try to make this date a bit more special than the first two. It needs to be romantic, it should test how compatible you both really are, and it ought to confirm whether or not you want to continue seeing each other long term. After the excitement of dates one and two, there may be a lull in date 3, so make sure whatever you select gives new intimacy to the connection. For example, if I did not visit the Cal Academy I would go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Obtaining your Timing Right Perhaps one of the most crucial pieces of the online dating puzzle that I see guys screw up again and again is time. Assuming the man is the one driving the dating sequence (which is not necessarily the case) there are a few questions you need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? When should you go for the kiss? When should you sleep together? Here I will share my answers to these questions that I've found most helpful. But again, depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort your answers may vary. The main thing is to actually think about timing, rather than leaving it up to"feeling." Going from Online to Offline It is very easy to let a great online dialog die out. You message her, she messages youback and forth, forth and back. In order to make certain that I don't waste all my time with internet conversations I found that it was best to ask a girl to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or roughly 20 minutes of constant conversation. Again, try not to linger in the safe-space of the digital world too long. It might feel like it's necessary, but it's quite easy to waste a lot of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 once I was 25, functioning as"the new man" at a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales team. One thing that I noticed is that every time they were finishing a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week after that? O that's no good too. Okay how about the week after that?" Regardless of what the prospect said, the salesperson would always insist on at least"penciling" another meeting into the calendar with the choice of cancelling if needed. Once I took this technique and applied it to relationship, it led to a pretty incredible results. This rule is a bit contrarian, but it has worked really well: Always request the next date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you're putting yourself out there. You are opening yourself up to strangers and in return you are getting a lot of uncertainty. No one likes uncertainty. No one likes to check their phone every hour to determine if you've texted them or not. Nobody likes to wonder if you like them or not. Surprisingly, most individuals don't mind if you don't like them, they just want to know.

14. So my suggestion would be to quit playing games, both with the Informative post other person and on your own. If you like them, tell them you like them. If you do not, have the respect to let them know you don't. (A gentle means to do this is by telling them that you aren't prepared to date at this time. I had a girl tell me and it was the easiest let down I have ever experienced and utilized it later myself too). I should pause here for a single caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not constantly. Nobody likes to be smothered or chased constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get very excited by the person they have just met and they then proceed to text them, call them, and see them day after day after day. He told me,"Girls are like shadows, the more you chase them, the more they run away. The more you run away, the more they chase you." If you find someone who you would like to be with really badly, don't scare them away by being fanatical. If they like you too, there is no need to chase them. Yes, you should actively try to establish a date, but there is no reason to go on dates every single night of the week. Permit the relationship to get some breathing room. A good way to judge whether a relationship is going well is if you find yourself missing the other person and vice versa. There's a great deal of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there is even scientific evidence for it as well. In several studies, anthropologists have found that lots of primates invest more effort into a relationships if the individuals in that relationship have been forced apart. What's interesting is that researchers at the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same holds true in humans. By data mining mobile phone records and comparing call patterns and length, the researchers at the university found that people will also invest more effort into relationships if there is a risk of that connection weakening. I tried applying this research to dating in a relatively straightforward way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse in between dates, paradoxically, makes the connection strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship I found worked pretty well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- factor This sequence meant that I would spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for sufficient time for the relationship to grow and helped me make sure I didn't suffocate my dates, which was especially helpful when I was really into them.

15. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the start of the post, these relationship approaches helped me tremendously, but depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your procedure may have to be different than the one above. The important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come out of relationship. In actuality, because dating is such an emotional activity (similar to job hunting), it's vital to have a system in place that will help you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you're getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on an actual rollercoaster, it would be foolish to simply jump and continue. Making sure you have that lap belt secured and that you've been on a few less intense rides will allow you to enjoy the ride a good deal more. As we frequently discuss on the podcast, even when you let go of expectations and just create your target just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Similar to the advice of world-class investors, you want to diversify your portfolio and decrease your risk of catastrophic failure. A way of doing this is by going on dates which are not only sit-down dinners, so that no matter how your dating partner behaves, at least you'll have a fantastic time doing something interesting. And, to decrease the risk, you need to build both an outreach and relationship sequence so that you decrease the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Locate a few activities you enjoy doing and then fit the dates into these activities. This is also a great way to filter out people who aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long run. Of course, regardless of how well I did all the above things, I still had my share of terrible dates. The girl who used me as a meal program being just one of several. But remember, when you're feeling down and enjoy giving up on love altogether: "You're never as bad as they say you are, you are also not as good as you think you are." Take each date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you constantly work on yourself, improving your conversations, your dates, and your relationship with other people, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. Until then, strap in and enjoy the ride. If you enjoyed this post, I would super love if you hit the green hand clap button below to ensure that more folks can find it. And, if you have any more questions about relationship, listen to our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the show.