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1. I looked at her and then looked at the dinner bill. She looked me straight in the eyes and smiled. Still, no reply. At that moment I imagined picking up the bill and slapping her across the face with it as hard as I could. It definitely was not my best moment, but it wasn't hers either. Apparently, as I discovered later, I had fallen into a trap called"the meal plan." The meal plan, if you're unfamiliar with it, is when girls go on dates with men merely to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she certainly fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all the dates I had gone on until there: all 37 dates to be precise. How could women take advantage of me like that? Especially since I was being so vulnerable by putting myself out there to ask them out in the first location. As I matured in my internet dating, however, I understood that this was actually a reaction for what men do to women. Online dating sucks, but... There are three significant levers in our lives that, if we pull on them properly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships can be the difference between depression and elation. I discovered this first hand because in the last 5 years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at once. I quit the career I had been building for more than 7 years and I left my 10-year connection with my girlfriend that I thought I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and relationship newcomer. After 9 months of misery and frustration I was going to give up on online dating all together. One dayI was sitting in the shower feeling sorry for myself for over an hour. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene activated and a small voice in my head said,"you are going to give up? No, no you are not. You're going to kick on online dating's ass!" I began to channel my misery into anger, and my anger into determination. I started to approach online dating just like one big experiment. I began creating what I called,"The Process." In this blog post I'll take you through the entire process I took to learn online dating. By optimizing your profile, A/B testing your descriptions, beginning meaningful conversations, and even crafting interesting dates. We'll discuss how to streamline the online dating process so you can not only get dates, but possibly discover the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I must preface that depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process might need to be different than the under. However, the important takeaway here is to pull back the

2. feelings that come from dating and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I will go meet interesting people and do interesting things," you'll be more inclined to enjoy the process. And, if you are diligent, you might end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I've been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 decades and we have moved in together. So maybe these strategies are not all that crazy, but perhaps they are, I'll leave it for you to judge. Listen to the Modern Dating Show Podcast for more tips, tricks, and embarrassingly real stories. Notice: You can also hear the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I pay a whole lot of these approaches as we browse the current struggles and embarrassments of his own dating trip (and answer listener questions). STEP 1 -- Decide what you're looking for The absolute most frequent mistake I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is they don't define their goal obviously. Deep down inside, the majority of us know whether we're looking for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario that I've discovered is that both men and women who are looking for a meaningful relationship are maximizing their relationship for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with online dating, she asked me to assist her with her OKCupid profile. She's an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' quite beautiful, a true 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she'd need my help. In less than 5 seconds I saw the problem. The photos I saw in her profile looked like they belonged more on thechive.com rather than on any dating site. Basically, in order to optimize for receiving dates, Maddy had chosen to only include her most provocative photographs. Now I would like to be clear, there's nothing wrong with girls having"promiscuous" photos online. The issue, in the case of dating, is the arrangement of a relationship and what you contribute with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to intuitively pick up on visual cues much faster than written hints. In actuality, they have found that men who are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by without even activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles conceal most information aside from the profile photo until a user clicks, resulting in provocative photographs sets a bad first impression. So, while it is totally fine to have hot photos up on your instagram, leading together on your online dating profile is sending signals that could be attracting the wrong sort of guy. There are also lots of classy ways to possess intriguing pictures that speak to more than just the unconscious brain. Online dating pictures can be both intriguing and classy So, although Maddy was trying to locate a relationship, her photos were sending signals that she's looking for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag guys filling up her inbox.

3. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 4 Every man who has done online dating will testify to the struggle of getting a girl to swipe directly on their profile, let alone to make them engage in a conversation. Men, this is completely your own fault. I've seen men spend hours talking about the statistics of their favorite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, as well as how financial reports will effect the team's chances. However, when it comes to online dating, guys have a tendency to slap a few pictures on their profile and then start swiping like orangutans until their palms develop calluses. Men, stop. Before you begin creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you are trying to attain. Are you trying to date a lot of people? Or are you searching for a meaningful relationship? And"both" isn't an answer. As the saying goes... "If you try to appeal to everybody, you will interest no one." The techniques I'll outline below work for desired outcome, but the choices you make will vastly affect your"conversion" rate. By way of example, the first time I mastered everything in this procedure, I started going on a lot of dates (3--4 per week, every week), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I only realized months after that, while it is great to go on a great deal of dates and get practice dating (remember I had been off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to be sure I was dating the perfect people. Fortunately I realized this before I had been the victim of any more"meal programs " STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile pictures and descriptions According to a study from Princeton, it is estimated that in any relationship, whether its social or work, we make up our mind about whether we like the person in less than 1 second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile image. They do not get to hear you speak. They do not get to shake your hand. They don't get to smell you (it is a thing). All you get is one picture and there is a 99% chance it is the wrong one. If a person is approaching online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to check is the profile picture. I first started this process in a very unscientific way... I went to every female friend I knew and asked her what she thought of my photos.

4. One hundred, and I mean 100% of them said that my first image wasn't my best. It was interesting feedback, but I wasn't certain how I could test multiple pictures considering that I could only put one as the default. The response: testing across apps. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, and the dreaded Tindr. I retained my profile description the exact same on each profile, but I put up a different profile image on each. I rotated the images across profiles before I could find a large enough sample size and be sure that the platform wasn't effecting results. Four of my actual dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture that I thought was my best was always the one with the least matches. Interestingly enough, a film that I did not read into, pic B, was really a massive turn off for pretty much 100 percent of women. I was shocked when I found out this, because the two women in that photo are actually good friends of mine, so that I never would have made that connection. Sometimes your photographs can be your greatest blind spot. To completely test out this idea, I really enrolled a couple of friends (both men and women) into the experiment and had them change out their profile pictures. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 2 This is a super easy optimization that can seem to be a pain today, but it is going to save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20 percent of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos

5. and rotate them often. Top Tip: If you would like to speed this process up, you can actually ask your games exactly what they think of your pictures. If a conversation with a match was not going well, I decided to at least get some"user feedback" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photos she thought was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I was not getting jobs.) In highschool I had a history teacher, Mr. Hernandez, who gave me the worst piece of advice I've ever received:"just be yourself." Now, part of the error may be my fault, because I took his advice quite literally. I began to speak my thoughts, dress how I wanted to dress, and act how I wanted to act. This turned out to be a horrible idea. With no filter or idea behind my actions, I rubbed over a few people the wrong way. Now that I have matured a bit, I have come to understand that there is a difference between being your total self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are never our total selves except when we are by ourselves. Seth Godin has a great podcast on"signals," that you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we actively choose which signals to give to other men and women. A guy wearing a button up shirt, for instance, is not always wealthy, but the button up top is putting out the sign that he's wealthy. Much like someone who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is indicating she doesn't want to follow society's rules, the guy in the button up shirt is indicating that he is okay with subsequent convention. Signals matter. In college I met a girl at a party who immediately caught my eye. She was wearing a summer dress, flower earrings, and looked very cute. I approached her and we immediately hit off. We spent the whole party flirting and dancing. We made plans to have a lunch date in the college cafeteria after that week. I got to the cafeteria early and chose to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a woman walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed all in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace around her neck. At first I did not even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we started talking. After some awkward conversation, she explained that her friends were sick of her being single so they'd dressed her up to be"cuter" for the party to attract a guy. I was that man. I didn't really care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized we had almost nothing in common. The outfit she had used as a signal at the party did not match her personality at all. We finished the date cordially and moved on. Choosing your signals is great, but picking false signals not so much.

6. The same goes for your online dating profile description. You do not want to lie, but you also don't want to be your total self. You want to tell them about how you collect classic records, you do not need to let them know about how you cry every time a U2 tune comes on. You want to tell them about how you volunteer at the animal shelter, you do not want to let them know about how you ran over your cat. Crafting a good description is perhaps the toughest and personal bit of improving your online dating profile. There's no right answer, but there are definitely some incorrect answers. The first step to getting a great dating profile description is having a clear structure. I break down a relationship profile description into 3 components: Headline: A brief sentence somebody can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A bit longer description that provides some color to your interests and personality. Call to Action: A desired action you want them to take. Internet dating is inherently awkward, so help another person by letting them know something you two can talk about. Ladies this is particularly true for you. If you do not want men messaging you"hey" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to start the conversation with. The Headline Unfortunately, people tend to surf internet dating apps the way they surf social networking sites: quickly and without much thought. It might be, in actuality, that mobile devices have trained us to surf everything in a similar manner. Because of this, I think the headline is perhaps the most crucial bit of your description and you need to try different variations until you find one that is right for you. After a lot of testing I discovered that this one worked best for me: "Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active." The objective of the headline is to give a fast snapshot of what's unique about you. Having a headline that's authentic, interesting, and brief acts like a stop sign for the individual who is scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their cell phone. It is likely that they'll laugh at the question. As any good content marketer knows, terrific content is all about respecting the medium that you're creating the content for. For instance, if I went up to a woman in a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, energetic," she'll definitely get up and leave. The opposite is true for online relationship, however. You want your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or one sentence, and be sure it is quintessentially you. After that initial curiosity is peaked, you should begin paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more.

7. This is not the time to write a book about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this person, your headline and picture being the first two. The intro paragraph provides a small amount of colour and possibly some talking points that you can discuss in conversation (again, ladies, this is extremely important to add if you would like to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph that worked best for me was: "I love being outside as much as you can! Some of my favorite things are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I'm a creative at heart but I really like learning about new and businesses ideas. I'm into photography, layout, and Tim Ferriss. My ideal Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a fantastic book at Promenade cafe" This paragraph outlines a couple of basic activities and hobbies I enjoy as well as some non-standard items like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The main thing to remember about this section is to avoid the generic activities that could apply to pretty much anybody. I can't tell you how many profiles I've seen that list things like: "I like hanging out with friends, watching films, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I am sure there are people on earth who don't like watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95% or more of the people in your area enjoy those things too. Rather than trying to fit in, attempt to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so it's possible to discover common ground, but also things which are uniquely you. For example in my description above: -- Most people like being outdoors and photography. -- Some people like surfing, climbing, and volleyball. -- But very few people like learning about businesses or Tim Ferriss. The Call To Action This is optional, although it certainly helps. In marketing, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they've viewed your content. In relationship, you essentially need the individual to message you. This seems like a no brainer, but I've found that a whole lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they finally become discouraged from making initial contact. I've heard countless stories of girls who have matched with a guy who they really enjoy, but the man never messages them. When I ask them why they don't message first, they say that they don't know what to say or they

8. don't want to appear desperate. The call to action helps alleviate this problem by making it clear that you want them to message you. But, obviously you do not want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have an individual section that says: "You should message me if..." ← This is OkCupid's sub-heading but you can just manually add it on other internet dating apps too. Again, as with this information, when in doubt just test it out. Try using a call to action and see whether your conversations improve. If they don't, simply delete it. The attractiveness of dating apps is that rather than having 1--5 opportunities to make a relationship, as you would if you went to a pub for instance, you have tens of thousands of chances and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making initial talking and contact The place where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" relationship is when it comes to the conversation. Having to talk online as your first conversation is a massive limitation when you are trying to start a new relationship. For starters, it is a very unnatural way of communicating, since it's been shown that we receive 55 percent of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communicating. It makes sense then that when you take millions of people and set them in a supernatural communication environment you get some fairly unnatural conversations. While it might be fun to play around with weird conversation openers, if you're serious about finding a good relationship through online relationship, then it is a fantastic idea to research your results a little bit. This gave me the opportunity to begin testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I simply would not have been able to determine if I did not have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I will spare you some of the terrible ideas I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's examine how well you can judge a good opener from a bad one. For bonus points, try to order them from most effective to least effective. A) "Hey! What is it going?" C) "Question: Batman or Superman?" (or some other variation of this sort of question). D) "Hey! (according to a book they listed in their profile)

9. I will allow you to think about it for a second. (I will add some space before the reply below. Scroll as soon as you're ready.) Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer And the answer is... If you guessed D, then you chose the best answer! (If you guessed C, you chose the worst response.) In order of best to worst, the replies are D, B, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to any conversation starter. While I found that the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X book," that obviously depends if they've put a book in their profile. You can alter this to ask about some other part of their profile, like a movie or a location in their pictures. The reason why I guess the book one works best though is because a) it shows you really read their profile and b) it shows that you read. If I may use the book opener to initiate a conversation I usually also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x publication? I am currently reading'Losing my Virginity' by Richard Branson and highly recommend it!" (This is how I opened the conversation with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I started with this opener felt a lot more natural and moved beyond a few messages. The next best option,"Hey! How was your weekend?" Works nearly as well, but it is obviously confined to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be strange if you used this on a Friday). Have any fun plans for the weekend?" This worked pretty well, but not nearly too. I suspect it is because it seems too much like I am about to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think of something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you have made contact and the other person has responded, it's time to have a conversation. Every conversation varies, but there are some guidelines that I will put in here as suggestions. First, some online dating suggestions for guys: DON'T attempt to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can't tell you the number of messages my female friends have shown me that noise objectively psychotic. The sad thing is I know that the man is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a regular conversation just like you would with a friend.

10. DO try to talk about things she is interested in but also add your own ideas. Among the most common complaints I have heard from female friends is they feel like they're being interviewed. Be sure that you ask questions, but that you also discuss things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her body or appearance. Irrespective of how well intentioned you are, it'll be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you're so beautiful! You have a cute smile! You are..." will only result in a polite"thank you" and will not create meaningful conversation. Now, a couple of online dating suggestions for women: DO be nice and help direct the conversation. Even when I've tried to be nice and friendly, I have still received quite curt or standoff-ish answers. No matter how much men pretend they don't care about the conversation, they do. And they normally don't have any clue what they are doing, so offer them some help and guide the conversation in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking some of your own. If you're tired of conversations feeling such as interviews, then be certain that you ask the man about things he is interested in also. It takes two to tango. DON'T make judgments too soon. In my experience women tend to put a lot more thought into their text messages than men do. If a guy says something that looks weird or odd, give him the benefit of the doubt and don't read too much into it, chances are he did not either. Now a suggestion for both parties: Try to move the dialogue from online to in real life relatively fast. Online dating is a excellent tool to fulfill someone, but it's just that. It's a tool, it is not actual dating. My general recommendation for moving from online to in real life is either one long conversation or two short conversations. It should never take more than a week to establish a date. So, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have begun talking about using a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the apps, but also get off them quickly. In real life is a lot more fun too in case you know how to set up great dates... Step 4 -- Making a date sequence that will make you smile more and sweat less Once I had mastered the online part of relationship, I soon realized that procuring the date is only half the battle. The second half of the battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you've even set out from your residence. In which you have your date determines about 50--70% of the results of the date. But a question... Where's the worst place to have a date? As it turns out, it's actually at the most commonly selected dating place: A sit-down restaurant. At first I was taking all my dates to restaurants for dinner. But remember, I was completely new to relationship so I was only following what I'd seen in movies.

11. Many of them didn't go well, but I was not certain why. After a dozen or so awkward (and expensive) dates, I decided that I should experiment with some other locations. What occurred next was absolutely mind blowing. Almost like flipping a light switch, my dates enhanced tremendously. It wasn't that I was doing anything differently or that I was choosing better women to go on dates with, it was merely a matter of context. Here's why I think dinner dates do not work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger outside a restaurant. You sit down at a table. You begin talking, then the waiter interrupts asking about drinks. You choose beverages. You continue to talking. The waiter interrupts again for your food order. You're not ready to order since you've been talking. The waiter gives you"another minute." You look at the menu making comments about the choices. The server comes back ten minutes later. You order food. You talk and talk. You then run out of things to discuss. What should you do next? There are no exits, nothing around to comment on, nothing to see or do. You have to keep talking. Talk... Talk... Talk! A dinner date provides no options. It is a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost instantly. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that most of us are getting worse at having in-person conversations. Spending so much time online has improved our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in- house communication abilities. So, if we're getting worse at getting in-person conversations, why would you bet your entire love life on the fact that you'll be able to have an remarkable in-person conversation with a complete stranger? 3 Rules for Creating Great Dates I never thought that dating could be a life-or-death activity, but one day changed all that. I was holding on to a little ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet over the floor like a giant cat toy. My fingers began to sweat and I knew that I couldn't hold on to the ledge much longer. "O well," I thought,"this will be a good bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I anticipated the sharp shock of the rope on my climbing harness. But there was no jolt. I started falling for what felt like eternity.

12. As it turns out, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope just as I'd slipped off the ledge. She panicked and did not catch the rope until I had dropped 15 feet to what I was certain was my forthcoming death. Finally the rope eventually stopped and I felt a huge jolt, both physically and emotionally. My entire dating career made a 180-degree turn when I began taking my dates on fun activities rather than dinners. I would take them to play tennis, rock climb, festivals, picnics at the beach, music shows, and everything in between. A number of these activities worked better than others. However, I found out that the most crucial elements to a wonderful date spot could be distilled into three categories: Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you're walking, your scenery is changing so that you can pick up new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked guy on rollerblades!" Action -- Can we do the action reasonably well? I've seen guys get this one fairly wrong. It is fun to teach someone something that you're passionate about, but be sure it is not too hard. Taking a woman rock climbing? Make sure she isn't scared of heights first. Scalability -- Would the date increase or shrink in scale as needed? Having a great time? Great! No chemistry? No problem, how do we end the date earlier? With these three criteria, I crafted a 3 date sequence which nearly doubled the amount of successful dates I went on. I know what you're thinking,"This guy took women out to the same areas like it was some sort of regimented assembly line?" This was my go-to sequence, but, based on interests, I'd substitute different activities to keep the dates interesting. This was merely a template which simplified my choices and decreased the cognitive load I was putting on my mind. Happy brain = Happy dates. So here's my ideal dating arrangement: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks each Friday by the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the difficulties of inviting someone out to dinner is that everybody has different food tastes. Then (if you're a guy) you have to account for cost of meals. Off the grid accomplishes this because there are over 20 different types of (affordable) cuisine. Additionally, it lets you walk around, people watch, and get drinks. It is possible to extend the date by getting dessert or listening to the live bands. Feel like going all out? Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a few go-tos, specifically: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the beach. Why I like it: What these activities had in common were the 3 variables: walkability, activity, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, grab cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favourite pub, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we can alternate between talking and activity. Date #3 -- Cal Academy Adult Night: An adult-only night at the Cal Academy of Sciences where you can catch drinks and look at exhibits.

13. Why I like it: This date was particularly important because if a woman had made it #3, it meant I actually liked her. It also meant we might take the relationship to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, plus it was a semi-formal occasion so we can both dress nicely for that special night. This was also my secret test because if a woman didn't like science and facts it likely wouldn't work out between us anyway. Listen to all the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are merely three examples of how to take online dating offline and make a reasonably successful dating sequence. Here are a few tips on what to search for on each date as you try to make your own dating sequence: Date #1: Look for a casual environment that isn't intimidating. Dark bars or loud places do not make for great conversation. Be sure that you can reliably visit this area, so avoid places with long waits or where you need to make reservations. Make sure you can schedule the date for a weeknight (try to not book someone's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You've broken the ice and you've both agreed to another date, so have fun with this one! Choose an activity you'll both like that isn't too tricky. Ideally choose an activity that has a cadence in which you alternate between doing something and speaking. Going on a 10 mile run is fantastic for exercise, but it does not allow for conversation. Seeing a movie at a movie theater has similar limitations. Date #3: You both confirmed you enjoy each other, it is time to bring it to the next level. Try to make this date a little more special than the first two. It needs to be romantic, it should test how compatible you both really are, and it ought to confirm whether or not you want to continue seeing each other long term. After the excitement of dates one and two, there may be a lull in date 3, so make sure whatever you select gives new intimacy to the relationship. By way of example, if I did not visit the Cal Academy I'd go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Getting your Timing Right Perhaps among the most important pieces of the internet dating puzzle that I see guys screw up again and again is timing. Assuming the guy is the one forcing the relationship sequence (which is not always the case) there are a few questions you need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? How long should you wait between date 1 and date 2? Here I'll share my answers to these questions that I've found most helpful. But again, depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort your answers may vary. I will share my experience (as a heterosexual male living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The important thing is to actually consider timing, rather than leaving it up to"feeling" Going from Online to Offline It is quite easy to let a great online conversation die out. You message , she messages youback and forth, forth and back. In order to make sure I do not waste all my time with online conversations I found it was best to ask a girl to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or roughly 20 minutes of continuous conversation. Again, try not to linger at the safe-space of this virtual world too long. It might feel like it's necessary, but it's very easy to waste plenty of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 once I was 25, working as"the new man" in a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales staff. Every day I overheard their Look at this website sales calls where they would utilize their jedi mind tricks to close deals

14. with multi-million dollar balances. One thing that I noticed is that each and every time they were ending a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week after that? O that's no good also. Okay how about the week after that?" No matter what the prospect said, the salesperson would insist on at least"penciling" another meeting to the calendar with the option of cancelling if desired. When I took this technique and applied it to relationship, it led to a pretty incredible results. This rule is a bit contrarian, but it has worked really well: Always request the second date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you are putting yourself out there. You're opening yourself up to strangers and in return you're getting plenty of uncertainty. Nobody likes uncertainty. No one likes to check their phone every hour to determine if you've texted them or not. No one likes to wonder whether you like them or not. Surprisingly, most individuals do not mind if you do not like them, they just want to know. So my suggestion would be to stop playing games, both with another person and on your own. If you do not, have the respect to let them know you don't. (A gentle way to do this is by telling them that you aren't ready to date right now. I had a woman tell me and it was the easiest let down I have ever experienced and utilized it later myself too). I should pause here for one caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get very excited by the person they have just met and they then proceed to constantly text them, call them, and see them day after day after day. Stop Chasing Shadows once I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He told me,"Girls are like shadows, the more you chase them, the more they run away. The more you run away, the longer they chase you." If you find someone who you would like to be with really badly, don't frighten them away by being fanatical. If they like you too, there's no need to chase them. Yes, you should consciously attempt to set up a date, but there's no reason to go on dates each and every night of the week. Allow the relationship to have some breathing room. A good way to judge whether a relationship is going well is if you find yourself missing the other person and vice versa. There is a great deal of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there is even scientific evidence for it also. In a number of studies, anthropologists have discovered that many primates invest more effort into a relationships if the individuals in that relationship have been forced apart. What's interesting is that researchers in the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same holds true in humans.

15. By data mining mobile phone records and comparing telephone patterns and duration, the researchers at the university found that humans will also invest more effort into relationships if there is a probability of that connection weakening. I tried applying this research to relationship in a relatively simple way and, to my surprise, it worked nicely. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse in between dates, ironically, makes the connection strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for dating I found worked pretty well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- variable This sequence meant that I would spread out the first 3 dates across a 1 month period. This allowed for sufficient time for the connection to grow and helped me make sure I did not suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the start of the post, these dating strategies helped me tremendously, but based on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your procedure may need to be different than the one above. The important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from dating. In actuality, because dating is such an emotional activity (like job hunting), it is imperative to have a system in place to help you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you're getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on an actual rollercoaster, it would be foolish to just jump and hold on. Making certain you have that lap belt secured and that you've been on a few less extreme rides can allow you to enjoy the ride a good deal more. Perhaps the single most important point to keep in mind though is to let go of expectations and treat the process like an experiment. As we frequently discuss on the podcast, when you let go of expectations and just make your target just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Similar to the advice of world wide investors, you need to diversify your portfolio and minimize your risk of catastrophic failure. A means of doing this is by going on dates that are not only sit-down dinners, so that no matter how your relationship partner behaves, at least you will have a good time doing something fun. And, to decrease the risk, you should build both an outreach and relationship sequence so that you decrease the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Find a few activities you like doing and then match the dates into these activities. This is also a wonderful way to filter out people that aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long term. Of course, regardless of how well I did all the above items, I still had my share of terrible dates. The girl who used me as a meal plan being just one of several. But bear in mind, when you're feeling down and like giving up on love

16. altogether: "You're never as bad as they say you are, you are also not as good as you think you are." Take each date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you work on your own, improving your conversations, your dates, and your relationship with other people, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. Until then, strap in and enjoy the ride. If you enjoyed this post, I'd super love if you hit the green hand clap button below to ensure that more folks can discover it. And, if you've any more questions about dating, listen to our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the display.