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1. THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: Tips, tricks, and manipulations to Browse the pains and pitfalls She looked me straight in the eyes and smiled. Still, no response. At that moment I imagined picking up the bill and slapping her across the face with it as hard as I could. It definitely wasn't my best moment, but it was not hers either. Apparently, as I discovered afterwards, I had fallen into a trap known as"the meal program." The meal program, if you're unfamiliar with it, is when girls go on dates with men merely to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she definitely fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all the dates I had gone until there: all 37 dates to be precise. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like this? Especially since I was being so vulnerable by putting myself out there to ask them out in the first location. As I matured in my online dating, however, I understood that this was really a response for what men do to women. There are 3 significant levers in our lives that, if we pull them properly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships can be the difference between depression and elation. I discovered this first hand because in the last 5 years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at the same time. I quit the career I had been building for more than 7 years and I left my 10-year connection with my girlfriend who I believed I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and dating newcomer. I was depressed. I was scarred. After 9 months of misery and frustration I was going to give up on online dating all together. One day, I was sitting in the shower feeling sorry for myself for over an hour. And then, for some unknown reason,

2. my ambitious gene triggered and a little voice in my head said,"you're going to give up? No, no you're not. You're going to kick on online dating's ass!" I started to channel my distress into anger, and my anger into determination. I started to approach online dating like one big experiment. I began creating what I predicted,"The Process." In this blog post I will take you through the whole process I chose to master online dating. From optimizing your profile, A/B analyzing your descriptions, starting meaningful conversations, as well as crafting interesting dates. We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so you can't just get dates, but maybe find the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I should preface that based on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process might need to be different than the below. However, the important takeaway here is to pull back the feelings that come from dating and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I'm going to go meet fascinating people and do interesting things," you will be much more inclined to enjoy the process. And, if you're diligent, you might end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I've been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 decades and we have moved in together. So maybe these strategies aren't all that crazy, but maybe they are, I'll leave it for you to judge. Note: You can also hear the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I pay a lot of these strategies as we navigate the present struggles and embarrassments of his own dating journey (and answer listener questions). STEP 1 -- Decide what you're looking for The absolute most common mistake I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is they don't define their goal clearly. Deep down inside, the majority of us know whether we're looking for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario I've discovered is that both women and men that are searching for a meaningful relationship are maximizing their dating for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with online dating, she asked me to assist her with her OKCupid profile. She is a remarkably smart and capable woman and she's' quite beautiful, a true 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she would need my help. The photos I saw in her profile looked like they belonged more on thechive.com rather than on any dating site. Basically, in order to maximize for receiving dates, Maddy had chosen to only include her most provocative photographs.

3. Now I would like to be clear, there is nothing wrong with women having"promiscuous" pictures online. The problem, in the event of dating, is the arrangement of a relationship and what you contribute with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to intuitively pick up on visual cues much faster than written clues. In actuality, they have found that men who are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by without even activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles conceal most information other than the profile photograph before a user clicks, leading with provocative photos sets a bad first impression. So, while it's totally fine to have sexy photos up in your instagram, leading with them in your online dating profile is sending signals that could be attracting the wrong type of guy. There are also lots of classy ways to have interesting pictures that speak to more than just the unconscious brain. Internet Dating pictures can be both classy and intriguing So, although Maddy was attempting to locate a relationship, her photographs were sending signals that she is looking for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag men filling up her inbox. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 4 Every man who has done online dating will testify to the struggle of getting a woman to swipe right on their profile, let alone to make them participate in a conversation. Guys, this is completely your fault. I have seen men spend hours talking about the statistics of their favourite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, and even how financial reports will influence the team's chances. However, when it comes to online dating, guys have a tendency to slap a few pictures in their profile and then start swiping like orangutans till their palms develop calluses. Guys, stop. Before you begin creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you are trying to attain. Are you trying to date a lot of people? Or are you searching for a meaningful relationship? And"both" isn't an answer. "If you try to appeal to everybody, you will appeal to no one." The techniques I will outline below work for either desired result, but the choices you make will significantly affect your"conversion" rate. By way of example, the first time I mastered everything in this procedure, I started going on a lot of dates (3--4 per week, weekly ), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I just realized months later that, while it's good to go on a great deal of dates and get practice dating (recall I had

4. been off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to be sure I was dating the right folks. Luckily I realized this before I had been the victim of any more"meal plans" STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile pictures and descriptions According to a study from Princeton, it's estimated that in any relationship, whether its work or social, we make up our mind about whether we like the person in less than 1 second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is the first impression you make is based solely on your profile image. They don't get to hear you talk. They don't get to shake your hand. They do not get to smell you (it's a thing). All you get is 1 picture and there is a 99% chance it's the wrong one. If a person is approaching online dating as an experiment, obviously the first thing to test is your profile picture. I started this process in a very unscientific way... I went to every female friend I knew and asked her what she thought of my pictures. One hundred, and I mean 100% of these said that my first picture wasn't my best. It was interesting feedback, but I wasn't sure how I could test multiple pictures considering I could only put one as the default option. The answer: testing across programs. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, along with the dreaded Tindr. I kept my profile description the exact same on every profile, but I put up a different profile picture on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles until I could get a large enough sample size and be certain that the platform wasn't effecting results. Four of my actual dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture which I thought was my best was always the one with the least games. Interestingly enough, a picture that I didn't read much into, pic B, was actually a huge turn off for pretty much 100% of girls. When I asked them why, without skipping a beat they replied,"it makes you look like a player." I was shocked when I found this out, because the two women in that photo are actually good friends of mine, so I never would have made that connection. Sometimes your photos can be your greatest blind spot. To completely test this idea out, I really enrolled a few friends (both men and women) into the experiment and had them change out their profile pictures. They got varied results, but one thing was consistent: the picture they thought was their best, never performed the best. This is a super simple optimization that may look like a pain now, but it will save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches.

5. This is the 20% of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them frequently. Top Tip: If you would like to speed this process up, you can really ask your games exactly what they think of your own pictures. If a conversation with a game wasn't going well, I decided to at least get some"user comments" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photographs she believed was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I was not getting jobs.) Descriptions are negotiable In highschool I had a history teacher, Mr. Hernandez, who gave me perhaps the worst piece of advice I've ever received:"just be yourself." Now, a part of this error may be my fault, because I took his advice quite literally. I began to speak my thoughts, dress how I wanted to dress, and act how I wanted to act. This turned out to be a horrible idea. Without any filter or thought behind my actions, I rubbed over a few people the wrong way. Now that I've matured a bit, I've come to realize that there is a difference between being your total self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are never our complete selves except when we are by ourselves. Seth Godin has a wonderful podcast on"signals," which you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we actively choose which signs to give to other men and women. A man wearing a button up shirt, as an example, is not always wealthy, but the button up top is putting out the sign that he is wealthy. Much like someone who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is indicating she doesn't want to follow society's rules, the man in the button up shirt is indicating that he is okay with following convention. Signals matter. In college I met a woman at a party who immediately caught my eye. I approached her and we instantly hit off. We spent the whole party dancing and flirting. We made plans to have a lunch date at the college cafeteria later that week. I got to the cafeteria early and chose to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a girl walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed all in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace around her neck. Initially I did not even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we started talking. After some awkward conversation, she explained that her friends were sick of her being single so they'd dressed her up to be"cuter" for the party to attract a guy. I was that guy.

6. I did not really care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized that we had practically nothing in common. The outfit she'd used as a signal at the party didn't match her personality at all. We ended the date cordially and proceeded on. Choosing your signals is good, but choosing false signals not so much. The same goes for your online dating profile description. You don't want to lie, but you also don't want to be your total self. You need to tell them about how you collect vintage records, you do not need to let them know about how you cry every time a U2 tune comes on. You need to tell them about the way you volunteer at the animal shelter, you don't need to let them know about how you ran over your cat. First impressions matter. Crafting a good description is perhaps the toughest and personal piece of enhancing your online dating profile. There's no ideal answer, but there are some wrong answers. The first step to having a great dating profile description is having a clear structure. I break down a relationship profile description into 3 parts: Headline: A short sentence somebody can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A bit longer description that gives some color to your interests and character. Call to Action: A desirable action you want them to take. Online dating is inherently awkward, so help the other person by letting them know something that you can talk about. Ladies this is particularly true for you. If you don't want men messaging you"hey" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to start the conversation with. The Headline Unfortunately, people tend to surf online dating apps the way they surf social networking sites: quickly and without much thought. It might be, in actuality, that mobile devices have trained us to browse everything in a similar way. Due to this, I think the headline is perhaps the most important piece of your description and you need to try different variations until you find one that is right for you. After a lot of testing I found that this one worked best for me: The objective of the headline is to give a quick snapshot of what is unique about you. Having a headline that's authentic, interesting, and brief acts like a stop sign for the individual who's scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their cell phone. Chances are they'll laugh at the question. As any solid content marketer knows, terrific content is about respecting the medium that you are creating the content for. By way of example, if I went up to a woman at a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, energetic," she will definitely get up and leave. The opposite is true for online relationship, however. You want your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or one sentence, and be certain it is quintessentially you.

7. Once that initial curiosity is peaked, you can start paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This is not the time to write a novel about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this individual, your headline and picture being the first two. The intro paragraph provides a small amount of color and perhaps some talking points that you two can discuss in chat (again, ladies, this is incredibly important to add if you want to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph which worked best for me was: "I love being outdoors as much as you can! Some of my favorite items are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I'm a creative at heart but I love learning about businesses and new ideas. I'm into photography, design, and Tim Ferriss. My perfect Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a fantastic book at Promenade cafe" This paragraph outlines a couple of basic hobbies and activities I like as well as some non-standard items like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The main thing to remember about this section is to avoid the generic activities that could apply to pretty much anybody. "I like hanging out with friends, watching movies, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I'm positive there are people on earth who don't like watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95% or more of the people in your area enjoy both those things too. As opposed to attempting to fit in, attempt to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so it's possible to find common ground, but also things which are uniquely you. For example in my description above: -- Many people like being outside and photography. -- Some people like surfing, climbing, and volleyball. -- But very few people like learning about businesses or Tim Ferriss. The Call To Action This is optional, although it certainly helps. In marketing, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they have viewed your content. In relationship, you basically need the person to message you. This sounds like a no brainer, but I've found that a whole lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they eventually become discouraged from making first contact.

8. I have heard countless stories of girls who have matched with a guy who they really enjoy, but the man never messages them. When I ask them why they don't message first, it is said that they don't know what to say or they don't want to appear desperate. The call to action helps alleviate this problem by making it clear that you want them to message you. But, obviously you don't want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have an individual section that says: My CTA goes as follows: "You should message me if you are an interesting person who likes to play outside." Again, as with this information, when in doubt just check it out. Try using a call to action and see if your conversations improve. When they don't, just delete it. The attractiveness of dating programs is that rather than having 1--5 chances to make a connection, as you would if you went to a pub for example, you have tens of thousands of chances and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making first talking and contact where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" dating is when it has to do with the conversation. Having to talk online as your first conversation is a huge limitation when you are trying to start a new relationship. For one thing, it's a really unnatural method of communicating, since it's been proven that we receive 55% of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communicating. It is logical then that when you take countless people and set them in a supernatural communication environment you get some pretty unnatural conversations. While it may be fun to play around with bizarre conversation openers, if you are serious about finding a fantastic relationship through online relationship, then it is a good idea to research your results a little bit. This gave me the chance to begin testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I simply wouldn't have been able to see if I didn't have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I'll spare you some of the terrible thoughts I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's examine how well you can judge a fantastic opener from a bad one. QUIZ Which of the following conversation starters performs the best? A) "Hey! How's it going?" C) "Question: Batman or Superman?"

9. (or any other variation of this type of question). How did you like X book?" (according to a book they listed in their profile) I'll allow you to think about it for a second. (I will add some distance before the answer below. Scroll as soon as you're ready.) Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer And the answer is... If you guessed D, then you picked the best answer! (If you guessed C, you chose the worst response.) In order of best to worst, the answers are D, B, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to some conversation starter. While I found that the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X book," that obviously depends if they've put a book in their profile. You can alter this to ask about some other part of the profile, like a movie or a place in their pictures. The reason why I guess that the book one works best though is because a) it shows you really read their profile and b) it shows that you read. If I may use the book opener to initiate a conversation I usually also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x publication? (This is how I opened the conversation with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I began with this opener felt a lot more natural and went beyond a few messages. The second best option,"Hey! Works nearly as well, but it's obviously confined to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be strange if you used this on a Friday). An alternate version I tried on Thursdays or Fridays was,"Hey! This worked pretty well, but not nearly too. I suspect it's because it seems too much like I am about to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think about something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you have made contact and another person has responded, it's time to have a dialogue. Every dialog changes, but there are a few guidelines that I'll put in here as suggestions. First, some online dating suggestions for men:

10. DON'T try to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can not tell you the number of messages my female friends have shown me that noise objectively psychotic. The sad thing is that I know that the man is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation just like you want a friend. DO attempt to talk about things she is interested in but also add your own ideas. Among the most common complaints I've heard from female friends is that they feel like they're being interviewed. Make sure that you ask questions, but that you also discuss things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her body or appearance. Irrespective of how well intentioned you are, it will be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you are so beautiful! You've got a cute smile! You're..." will only result in a polite"thank you" and will not create meaningful conversation. Now, a couple of online dating suggestions for women: DO be nice and help guide the conversation. Even when I've tried to be friendly and nice, I've still received very curt or standoff-ish answers. No matter how much men pretend they don't care about the conversation, they do. And they normally have no clue what they're doing, so offer them some help and direct the dialogue in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking some of your own. If you are tired of conversations feeling like interviews, then make sure to ask the man about things he's interested in also. DON'T make conclusions too soon. In my experience women tend to place a lot more thought in their text messages than guys do. If a guy says something that looks weird or odd, give him the benefit of the doubt and do not read too much into it, chances are he didn't either. Now a proposal for the two parties: Try to move the dialogue from online to in real life relatively fast. Online dating is a great tool to meet someone, but it's just that. It is a tool, it isn't actual dating. My general recommendation for moving from online to in real life is one long conversation or two brief conversations. It should never take more than a week to establish a date. So, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have started talking about having a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the programs, but also get them off quickly. In real life is a good deal more fun too if you know how to set up good dates... Step 4 -- Making a date sequence that will cause you to smile more and sweat less Once I had mastered the online portion of relationship, I soon realized that procuring the date is only half the battle. The second half of this battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you've even set out from your

11. house. As they say in real estate: location, location, location. In which you have your date decides about 50--70 percent of the results of the date. But a question... Where's the worst place to have a date? As it turns out, it is actually at the most commonly selected dating place: A sit-down restaurant. At first I was taking all my dates to restaurants for dinner. But bear in mind, I was completely new to relationship so I was just following what I'd seen in movies. Most of them did not go well, but I wasn't sure why. After a dozen or so embarrassing (and pricey ) dates, I determined that I should experiment with several other locations. What happened next was totally mind blowing. Almost like flipping a light switch, my dates enhanced tremendously. It was not that I was doing anything differently or that I was picking better girls to go on dates with, it was merely a matter of context. Here's why I believe dinner dates don't work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger outside a restaurant. You sit down at a table. You begin speaking, then the waiter interrupts asking about beverages. You continue to speaking. The waiter interrupts again to your food order. You're not ready to order because you've been talking. The waiter provides you"another moment." You examine the menu making remarks about the choices. The server comes back ten minutes later. You order food. You continue talking. You then run out of things to discuss. What do you do next? There are no exits, nothing around to comment on, nothing to see or do. You have to keep talking. Talk... Talk... Talk! A dinner date provides no options. It is a singular task that depends on you connecting with a complete stranger almost instantly. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that most of us are getting worse at getting in-person discussions. Spending so much time online has enhanced our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in-person communication skills. So, if we are getting worse at getting in-person conversations, why would you bet your entire love life on the fact you will be able to have an remarkable in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I had been holding on to a little ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet above the floor like a giant cat toy. My fingers started to sweat and I knew that I couldn't hold on to the ledge much longer. "O well," I thought,"this is going to be a good bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I anticipated the sharp shock of the rope on my climbing harness. However, there was no jolt. I started falling for what felt like eternity.

12. As it turns out, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope just as I had slipped off the ledge. She panicked and didn't catch the rope until I had dropped 15 feet to what I was certain was my upcoming death. Finally the rope eventually stopped and I felt a massive jolt, both physically and emotionally. "Okay this date may be a little too exciting," I thought. My whole dating profession made a 180-degree turn when I started carrying my dates on fun activities rather than dinners. A number of these activities worked better than others. But I found out that the most crucial elements to a wonderful date place could be distilled into three categories: Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you are walking, your scenery is shifting so that you can pick up new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked man on rollerblades!" (It is San Francisco after all). Activity -- Can we both do the activity reasonably well? I've seen guys get this one fairly wrong. It is fun to teach someone something that you are passionate about, but be sure it is not too hard. Taking a woman rock climbing? Make sure she is not scared of heights first. Scalability -- Can the date increase or shrink in scale as needed? Having a terrific time? Great! Let's go get dessert! No chemistry? No issue, how can we end the date earlier? With these three criteria, I crafted a 3 date sequence that nearly doubled the number of successful dates I went on. I know what you are thinking,"This guy took women out to the very same areas like it was some kind of regimented assembly line?" This was my go-to order, but, based on interests, I'd substitute different activities to keep the dates interesting. This was merely a template that simplified my choices and decreased the cognitive load I was putting on my mind. So here is my ideal dating arrangement: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks each Friday from the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the problems of inviting someone out to dinner is that everyone has different food preferences. Then (if you're a man ) you have to account for cost of food. Off the grid solves this because there are over 20 different types of (affordable) cuisine. Additionally, it allows you to walk around, people watch, and get drinks. It is possible to extend the date by getting dessert or listening to the live bands. Feel like going all out? Date #2 -- Variable: This date could vary based on interests but I had a few go-tos, specifically: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the shore. Why I like it: These activities had in common were the 3 factors: walkability, activity, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, catch cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favourite bar, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we could alternate between activity and talking. Date #3 -- Cal Academy Adult Night: An adult-only night in the Cal Academy of Sciences where you can grab drinks and look at exhibits.

13. Why I like it: This date was especially important because if a woman had made it to date #3, it meant I really liked her. It also meant we might take the relationship to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, plus it was a semi-formal event so we can both dress nicely for that particular night. This was also my secret test because if a girl did not like facts and science it probably would not work out between us anyway. As an additional bonus, it was also a 20-min walk from my place, so that helped with the"scalability" of the evening. Listen to each of the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are just three examples of how to take online dating offline and make a reasonably successful dating sequence. Here are a few ideas on what to look for on every date as you attempt to create your own dating sequence: Date #1: Look for a casual environment that isn't intimidating. Dark bars or loud places do not make for good conversation. Be sure that you can reliably visit this area, so avoid places with long waits or where you will need to make reservations. Ensure you can schedule the date for a weeknight (try not to book someone's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You've broken the ice and you have both agreed to a second date, so have fun with this one! Select an activity you will both like that isn't too tricky. Ideally choose an activity which has a cadence in which you alternate between doing something and talking. Going on a 10 mile run is great for exercise, but it doesn't allow for conversation. Watching a movie at a movie theater has similar limits. Date #3: You both confirmed you like each other, it's time to bring it to the next level. Try to make this date a little more special than the first two. It should be romantic, it should test how compatible you both really are, and it should confirm whether you want to keep on seeing each other long term. Following the excitement of dates and two, there can be a lull in date 3, so make sure whatever you select provides new intimacy to the connection. For example, if I didn't go to the Cal Academy I would go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Obtaining your Timing Right maybe one of the most important pieces of the internet dating puzzle that I see men screw up again and again is timing. Assuming the man is the one forcing the relationship sequence (which isn't always the case) there are a few questions you need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? When should you go for the kiss? When should you sleep together? Here I'll share my answers to these questions that I've found most useful. But again, depending upon your context, your culture, Go to this website and your own comfort your answers may vary. I'll share my experience (as a heterosexual male living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The important thing is to actually consider timing, as opposed to leaving it up to"feeling" Going from Online to Offline It is quite easy to let a great online dialog die out. You message her, she messages you, back and forth, forth and back. In order to make sure I do not waste all my time with online conversations I found it was best to ask a woman to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or about 20 minutes of constant conversation. Again, try not to linger at the safe-space of the virtual world too long. It might feel like it's necessary, but it is very easy to waste a lot of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2

14. When I was 25, functioning as"the new guy" in a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales staff. One thing I noticed is that every time they were finishing a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week then? O that's no great too. Okay how about the week after that?" No matter what the prospect said, the salesperson would always insist on at least"penciling" the next meeting to the calendar with the option of cancelling if desired. When I took this technique and applied it to dating, it led to a pretty incredible results. This rule is somewhat contrarian, but it has worked really well: Always ask for the second date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you're putting yourself out there. You're opening yourself up to strangers and in return you're getting plenty of uncertainty. Nobody likes uncertainty. No one likes to look at their phone every hour to determine if you've texted them or not. Nobody likes to wonder whether you like them or not. Surprisingly, most individuals do not mind if you do not like them, they just want to know. So my suggestion is to stop playing games, both with another person and with yourself. If you do not, have the respect to let them know you do not. (A gentle way to do this is by telling them that you are not prepared to date right now. I had a woman tell me this and it was the simplest let down I've ever experienced and utilized it later myself too). I should pause here for one caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not constantly. Nobody likes to be smothered or chased constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get really excited by the person they've just met and then they proceed to constantly text them, call them, and see them day after day after day. Stop Chasing Shadows When I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He explained,"Women are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the longer they run away. The more you run away, the longer they chase you." If you find someone who you would like to be with really poorly, do not scare them away by being fanatical. If they like you as well, there's no need to chase them. Yes, you should consciously attempt to set up a date, but there's no reason to go on dates every single night of the week. Allow the relationship to get some breathing room. A fantastic way to judge if a relationship is going well is if you find yourself missing the other person and vice versa. There is a lot of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there's even scientific proof for it also. In several studies, anthropologists have discovered that lots of primates invest more effort into a relationships if the people in that connection have been forced apart. What's interesting is that researchers at the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same is true in humans.

15. By data mining cell phone records and comparing telephone patterns and duration, the researchers at the university found that people will also invest more effort into relationships when there is a risk of that relationship weakening. I tried applying this research to dating in a relatively simple way and, to my surprise, it worked nicely. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse in between dates, paradoxically, makes the connection strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for dating I found worked pretty well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- factor This arrangement meant that I'd spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for enough time for the relationship to grow and helped me make sure I didn't suffocate my dates, which was especially helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the beginning of the post, these relationship strategies helped me tremendously, but based on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your procedure may need to be different than the one above. The important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from dating. In actuality, because dating is such an emotional activity (similar to job hunting), it's vital to have a system in place that will help you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you're getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on a real rollercoaster, it would be foolish to simply hop on and hold on. Making sure you have that lap belt secured and that you've been on a few less intense rides will allow you to enjoy the ride a whole lot more. As we frequently discuss about the podcast, when you let go of expectations and only create your target just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Like the help of world wide investors, you need to diversify your portfolio and decrease your risk of catastrophic failure. A way of doing this is by going on dates that aren't just sit-down dinners, so that regardless of how your relationship partner behaves, at least you'll have a good time doing something fun. And, to decrease the risk, you need to build both an outreach and dating sequence so you reduce the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Locate a few activities you like doing and then fit the dates into those activities. This is also a wonderful way to filter out people who aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long run. Naturally, irrespective of how well I did all the above things, I had my share of terrible dates. The woman who used me as a meal plan being just one of several. Dating is a rollercoaster that will frighten you, challenge you, and sometimes make you wish you had never gotten on. But bear in mind, once you're feeling down and like giving up on love altogether:

16. "You are not as bad as they say you are, you're also not as good as you think you are." Take every date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you work on yourself, improving your conversations, your dates, and your relationship with others, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. If you enjoyed this post, I'd super appreciate if you hit the green hand clap button below to ensure that more folks can find it. And, if you've any more questions about relationship, hear our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the show.