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1. THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: Tips, tricks, and manipulations to Browse the pains and pitfalls She looked me straight in the eyes and smiled. Again, I looked at her and then looked at the invoice. Still, no reply. At that moment I imagined picking up the bill and slapping her across the face with it as hard as I could. It definitely wasn't my best moment, but it wasn't hers either. Apparently, as I found out afterwards, I had fallen into a trap known as"the meal program." The meal program, if you're not familiar with it, is when girls go on dates with guys merely to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she definitely fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all of the dates I had gone until there: all 37 dates to be precise. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like that? Especially since I was being so vulnerable by putting myself out there to ask them out in the first place. As I matured in my online dating, however, I realized that this was actually a response for what men do to women. There are three significant levers in our lives which, if we pull them properly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships can be the difference between depression and elation. I discovered this first hand because in the past five years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at once. I quit the career I had been building for more than 7 years and I left my 10-year connection with my girlfriend that I believed I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and dating newcomer. I was depressed. I was scared. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene triggered and a little voice in my head said,"you are going to give up? No, no you're not. You are going to kick online dating's ass!" I started to channel my misery into anger, and my anger into determination. I started to approach online dating like one big experiment. I started creating what I predicted,"The Process." In this blog post I'll take you through the entire process I chose to master online dating. By optimizing your profile, A/B testing your descriptions, beginning meaningful conversations, as well as crafting interesting dates. We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so you can not just get dates, but possibly find the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I should preface that depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process might have to be different than the below. However, the important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from relationship and treat it like an experiment.

2. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I will go meet fascinating people and do interesting things," you'll be much more inclined to enjoy the procedure. And, if you're diligent, you might end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I've been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 decades and we've moved in together. So maybe these strategies aren't all that mad, but maybe they are, I will leave it for you to judge. Listen to the Modern Dating Show Podcast for more tips, tricks, and embarrassingly real stories. Notice: You can also hear the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a lot of these strategies as we navigate the current struggles and embarrassments of his own relationship trip (and answer listener questions). The complete most common error I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is they don't define their goal obviously. Deep down inside, most of us know whether we're looking for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario I've found is that both men and women that are looking for a meaningful relationship are optimizing their dating for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with internet dating, she asked me to assist her with her OKCupid profile. She is a remarkably smart and capable woman and she's' really beautiful, a real 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she would need my help. Basically, so as to maximize for receiving dates, Maddy had chosen to just include her most provocative photographs. Now I would like to be clear, there is nothing wrong with women having"promiscuous" pictures online. The issue, in the case of dating, is the arrangement of a dating profile and what you contribute with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to pick up on visual clues much faster than written clues. In fact, they have found that men that are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by without even activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles hide most information other than the profile photo until a user clicks, leading with provocative photographs sets a poor first impression. So, while it is totally fine to have hot photos up in your instagram, leading together in your online dating profile is sending signals that could be attracting the wrong sort of guy. Additionally, there are lots of classy ways to possess intriguing pictures that speak to more than just the unconscious brain. Online dating pictures can be both intriguing and classy So, although Maddy was trying to find a relationship, her photos were only sending signals that she is looking for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag guys filling up her inbox. For men, we tend to have the opposite issue. Every guy who has done online dating will attest to the struggle of getting a girl to swipe directly in their profile, let alone to get them to engage in a conversation. Guys, this is entirely your own fault.

3. I have seen men spend hours talking about the statistics of their favourite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, and even how financial reports will influence the team's chances. But, when it comes to online dating, guys tend to slap a few pictures on their profile and then start swiping like orangutans until their fingers develop calluses. Men, stop. Before you begin creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you are trying to achieve. Are you trying to date a great deal of people? Or are you trying to find a meaningful relationship? And"both" isn't an answer. "If you try to appeal to everyone, you will interest no one." The techniques I will outline below work for either desired outcome, but the choices you make will vastly affect your"conversion" rate. By way of example, the first time I mastered everything in this process, I started going on a great deal of dates (3-- 4 per week, every week), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I only realized months later that, while it's great to go on a lot of dates and get practice dating (remember I had been off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to be sure I was dating the right folks. Luckily I realized this before I was the victim of any more"meal programs ." STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile images and descriptions First impressions matter. According to a study from Princeton, it is estimated that in any relationship, whether its social or work, we make

4. our mind up about if we like the person in less than one second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile picture. They don't get to hear you talk. They don't get to shake your hand. They don't get to smell you (it's a thing). All you get is one picture and there's a 99% chance it's the wrong one. If one is coming online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to check is your profile picture. I started this process in a very unscientific way... One hundred, and I mean 100% of them said that my first picture wasn't my best. It was interesting feedback, but I wasn't sure how I could test multiple pictures considering that I could only put one as the default option. The response: testing across programs. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, and the dreaded Tindr. I retained my profile description the exact same on each profile, but I set up another profile image on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles until I could find a big enough sample size and make certain that the platform was not effecting results. Four of my real dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture which I thought was my best was always the one with the least games. Interestingly enough, a picture I did not read into, pic B, was actually a massive turn off for pretty much 100 percent of women. I was shocked when I found out this, because the two women in that photo are really good friends of mine, so that I never would have made this connection. Sometimes your photographs can be your biggest blind spot. To totally test out this idea, I actually enrolled a few friends (both men and women) to the experiment and had them change their profile pictures. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 2 This is a super simple optimization that can seem like a pain today, but it will save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20 percent of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them often. Top Tip: If you want to speed up this process, you can really ask your matches what they think of your own pictures. If a conversation with a game wasn't going well, I decided to get some"user feedback" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photos she thought was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I was not getting jobs.)

5. In highschool I had a history teacher, Mr. Hernandez, who gave me the worst piece of advice I've ever received:"just be yourself." Now, part of the error might be my fault, since I took his advice quite literally. I began to speak my mind, dress how I wanted to dress, and behave how I wanted to act. This turned out to be a very bad idea. Without any filter or thought behind my actions, I rubbed more than a few people the wrong way. Now that I've matured a bit, I've come to realize that there is a difference between being your overall self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we're never our complete selves except when we are by ourselves. Seth Godin has a wonderful podcast on"signals," that you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we actively choose which signals to give to other people. A guy wearing a button up top, for example, is not necessarily wealthy, but the button up shirt is putting out the signal that he is wealthy. Much like a person who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is signaling she does not wish to follow society's rules, the man in the button up shirt is indicating that he is okay with subsequent convention. In college I met a woman at a party who immediately caught my attention. I approached her and we instantly hit off. We spent the entire party flirting and dancing. We made plans to have a lunch date at the college cafeteria later that week. I got to the cafeteria early and decided to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a girl walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace around her neck. At first I did not even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we began talking. After some awkward conversation, she explained that her friends were sick of her being single so they'd dressed her up to be"cuter" for the party to attract a man. I was that guy. I didn't really care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized we had almost nothing in common. The outfit she had used as a sign at the party did not match her personality at all. We finished the date cordially and proceeded on. Signals matter. Choosing your signs is great, but picking false signals not so much. The same goes for your online dating profile description. You don't need to lie, but you also don't want to be your complete self. You need to tell them about how you collect classic records, you don't need to tell them about the way you cry every time a U2 tune comes on. You

6. need to tell them about how you volunteer at the animal shelter, you don't want to let them know about how you ran over your cat. First impressions matter. Crafting a good description is perhaps the toughest and personal bit of enhancing your online dating profile. There's no ideal answer, but there are some incorrect answers. The first step to getting a great dating profile description is using a clear structure. I break down a dating profile description into 3 components: Headline: A brief sentence someone can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A little longer description that gives some color to your interests and personality. Call to Action: A desirable action you want them to take. Internet dating is inherently awkward, so help another person by letting them know something you can talk about. Ladies this is particularly true for you. If you do not want guys messaging you"hello" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to begin the conversation with. The Headline Unfortunately, people tend to surf internet dating programs the way they surf social networking sites: fast and without much thought. It could be, in fact, that mobile devices have trained us to browse everything in a similar manner. Because of this, I think the headline is perhaps the most crucial piece of your description and you should try different variations until you find one that works for you. After a lot of testing I discovered that this one worked best for me: The objective of the headline is to give a fast snapshot of what's unique about you. Having a headline that's authentic, interesting, and brief functions like a stop sign for the person who is scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their phone. Chances are they'll laugh at the question. As any solid content marketer knows, great content is about respecting the medium that you are producing the content for. By way of instance, if I went up to a girl in a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active," she will definitely get up and leave. The opposite is true for online dating, however. You need your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or one sentence, and make sure that it is quintessentially you. Once that initial curiosity is peaked, you should begin paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This is not the time to write a book about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this person, your picture and headline being the first two. The intro paragraph provides a little bit of colour and possibly some talking points that you can discuss in conversation (again, ladies, this is extremely important to include if you want to have more meaningful

7. conversations). The intro paragraph that worked best for me was: "I love being outside as much as possible! Some of my favorite items are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I'm a creative at heart but I love learning about businesses and new ideas. I'm into photography, layout, and Tim Ferriss. My perfect Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a fantastic book at Promenade cafe." This paragraph outlines a couple of basic activities and hobbies I like as well as some non-standard things like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The main thing to remember about this section is to prevent the generic actions that could apply to pretty much anyone. I can not tell you how many profiles I've seen that list things like: "I like hanging out with friends, watching films, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I am positive that there are people on earth who don't like watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95% or more of the people in your area enjoy both those things too. As opposed to attempting to fit in, attempt to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so you can discover common ground, but also things that are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Most people like being outdoors and photography. -- Some people like surfing, climbing, and volleyball. -- But very few people like learning about companies or Tim Ferriss. The Call To Action This is optional, although it certainly helps. In marketing, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they have viewed your content. In dating, you essentially want the person to message you. This sounds like a no brainer, but I've found that a whole lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they finally become discouraged from making first contact. I have heard countless stories of girls who have paired with a guy who they really enjoy, but the man never messages them. When I ask them why they don't message first, it is said that they don't know what to say or they don't want to appear desperate. The call to action helps alleviate this problem by making it clear that you want them to message you. But, obviously you do not want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific.

8. On OkCupid they have an individual section that says: "You should message me if..." ← This is OkCupid's sub-heading but you can just manually add it on other internet dating programs too. My CTA goes as follows: "You should message me if you're an interesting person who likes to play outside." Again, as with this information, when in doubt just test it out. Try having a call to action and see whether your conversations improve. If they don't, just delete it. The beauty of dating apps is that rather than having 1--5 chances to make a connection, as you would if you went to a bar for instance, you have thousands of chances and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making initial talking and contact where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" dating is when it comes to the conversation. Having to chat online as your first conversation is a massive limitation when you're trying to start a new relationship. For one thing, it is a very unnatural method of communicating, because it's been shown that we receive 55% of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communicating. It makes sense then that if you take millions of people and set them in a supernatural communication environment you get some pretty unnatural conversations. While it may be fun to play around with weird conversation openers, if you are serious about finding a fantastic relationship through online dating, then it's a good idea to research your results a little bit. As I got better at optimizing my profile, I started matching with more and more people. This gave me the opportunity to start testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I just wouldn't have been able to see if I did not have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I'll spare you some of the terrible ideas I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's examine how well you can judge a fantastic opener from a bad one. For bonus points, try to order them from most effective to least effective. A) "Hey! What is it going?" How was your weekend?" C) "Question: Batman or Superman?" (or some other variation of the sort of question). D) "Hey! How did you like X book?" (based on a book they listed in their profile)

9. I will allow you to consider it for a second. (I will add some distance before the reply below. Scroll as soon as you're ready.) Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer And the answer is... If you guessed D, then you chose the best answer! (If you guessed C, you picked the worst response.) In order of best to worst, the answers are D, B, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to any conversation starter. While I found the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X book," that clearly depends if they have put a book in their profile. You can alter this to ask about some other part of their profile, such as a picture or a place in their pictures. The reason I suspect that the book one works best though is because a) it shows you really read their profile and b) it indicates that you read. If I can use the book opener to start a conversation I usually also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x publication? (This is how I opened the conversation with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I began with this opener felt much more natural and moved past a few messages. The second best option,"Hey! Works almost as well, but it's obviously confined to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be strange if you used this on a Friday). An alternative version I tried on Thursdays or Fridays was,"Hey! This worked pretty well, but not nearly as well. I suspect it's because it sounds too much like I am about to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think about something interesting.

10. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you've made contact and the other person has responded, it's time to have a conversation. Every dialog changes, but there are a few guidelines that I will put in here as hints. First, some online dating suggestions for guys: DON'T attempt to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can't tell you the number of messages my female friends have shown me that sound objectively psychotic. The sad thing is I know that the guy is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a regular conversation just like you would with a friend. DO attempt to talk about things she's interested in but also add your own ideas. Among the most common complaints I have heard from female friends is they feel like they're being interviewed. Be sure that you ask questions, but that you also discuss things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her body or appearance. Irrespective of how well intentioned you are, it will be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you are so beautiful! You have a cute smile! You're..." will only lead to a polite"thank you" and will not create meaningful conversation. Now, a few online dating suggestions for women: DO be nice and help guide the conversation. Even when I've tried to be friendly and nice, I've still received very curt or standoff-ish responses. No matter how much guys pretend they don't care about the conversation, they do. And they normally don't have any clue what they're doing, so offer them some help and guide the dialogue in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking any of your own. If you're tired of conversations feeling such as interviews, then make sure to ask the man about things he is interested in also. It takes two to tango. DON'T make judgments too soon. In my experience women have a tendency to place a good deal more thought in their text messages than guys do. If a guy says something that seems weird or odd, give him the benefit of the doubt and do not read too much into it, chances are he didn't either. Now a suggestion for both parties: Try to move the conversation from online to in real life relatively fast. Online dating is a excellent tool to meet someone, but it's just that. It is a tool, it is not actual dating. My general recommendation for moving from online to in real life is either one long conversation or two brief conversations. It should never take more than a week to establish a date. So, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have started talking about using a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the apps, but also get off them quickly. In real life is a lot more fun too if you know how to set up good dates... Step 4 -- Making a date sequence that will cause you to smile more and sweat less Once I had mastered the online portion of relationship, I soon realized that securing the date is just half the battle. The second half of the battle, how well the date goes, is largely determined before you've even set out from your house.

11. As they say in real estate: location, location, location. In which you have your date decides about 50--70 percent of the results of the date. But first a question... Where's the worst place to have a date? As it turns out, it's actually at the most commonly selected dating location: A sit-down restaurant. At first I was taking all my dates to restaurants for dinner. Boring, I know. But bear in mind, I was completely new to relationship so I was only following what I'd seen in movies. Many of them did not go well, but I wasn't sure why. After a dozen or so awkward (and expensive) dates, I determined that I need to experiment with several other locations. What happened next was totally mind blowing. It wasn't that I was doing anything differently or that I had been picking better girls to go on dates with, it was merely a matter of context. Here's why I believe dinner dates do not work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger outside a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a desk. You begin speaking, then the waiter interrupts asking about drinks. You continue to talking. The waiter interrupts again to your food order. You're not ready to order since you have been talking. The waiter provides you"another moment." You look at the menu making remarks about the choices. The server comes back ten minutes later. You continue talking. You then run out of things to talk about. What do you do next? There are no exits, nothing around to comment on, nothing to see or do. You need to keep talking. Talk... Talk... Talk! A dinner date provides no options. It's a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost instantly. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that most of us are getting worse at getting in-person discussions. Spending so much time online has improved our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in-house communication abilities. So, if we're getting worse at getting in-person discussions, why would you bet your entire love life on the fact you will be able to have an amazing in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I was holding on to a small ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet above the floor like a giant cat toy. My fingers began to sweat and I knew that I couldn't hold on to the ledge much longer. "O well," I thought,"this will be a good bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I expected the sharp shock of the rope in my climbing harness. However, there was no jolt. I began falling for what felt like eternity. As it happens, my climbing partner had let go of the rope just as I had slipped off the ledge. She panicked and didn't catch the rope until I had dropped 15 ft to what I was sure was my upcoming death. Finally the rope eventually stopped and I felt a massive jolt, both emotionally and physically.

12. "Okay this date might be a little too exciting," I thought. My entire dating career made a 180-degree turn when I started taking my dates on fun activities rather than dinners. I would take them to play tennis, rock climb, festivals, picnics at the beach, music shows, and everything in between. Some of these activities worked better than others. However, I found out that the most essential elements to a great date place could be distilled into three categories: Walkability -- Do we have to sit together or can we walk around? When you are walking, your scenery is changing so you can pick up new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked guy on rollerblades!" (It is San Francisco after all). Action -- Can we do the action reasonably well? I've seen guys get this one fairly wrong. It is fun to teach someone something that you are passionate about, but be sure it's not too hard. Taking a woman rock climbing? Make sure she is not scared of heights first. Scalability -- Would the date grow or shrink in scale as needed? Having a terrific time? Great! No chemistry? No issue, how do we end the date earlier? Using these three criteria, I crafted a 3 date sequence that nearly doubled the amount of successful dates I went on. I know what you are thinking,"This guy took women out to the very same areas like it was some sort of regimented assembly line?" This was my go-to sequence, but, depending on interests, I would substitute different activities to keep the dates intriguing. This was merely a template which simplified my choices and reduced the cognitive load I was putting in my brain. So here is my ideal dating sequence: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks every Friday from the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the problems of inviting someone out to dinner is that everybody has different food preferences. Then (if you're a guy) you've got to account for cost of meals. Off the grid solves this because there are over 20 distinct kinds of (affordable) cuisine. It also lets you walk around, people watch, and get drinks. You can extend the date by getting dessert or listening to the live bands. Feel like going all out? Queue the awkward white-boy dance moves. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a few go-tos, namely: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the beach. Why I like it: These actions had in common were the 3 factors: walkability, action, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, grab cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favourite pub, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we can alternate between activity and talking. If we did a picnic on the beach, we can go for romantic walks or huddle around a fire pit on Ocean Beach. Why I like it: This date was particularly important because if a woman had made it to date #3, it meant I actually liked her. It also meant we might take the relationship to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, also it was a semi-formal occasion so we could both dress nicely for that particular night. This was

13. also my secret evaluation because if a girl didn't like facts and science it likely would not work out between us anyway. Listen to each of the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are just three examples of how to take online dating offline and make a reasonably successful dating sequence. Here are a few tips on what to search for on every date as you attempt to make your own dating arrangement: Date #1: Look for a casual environment that isn't intimidating. Dark bars or loud places don't make for good conversation. Make certain that you can reliably go to this area, so avoid places with long waits or where you need to make reservations. Make sure you can schedule the date for a weeknight (try not to book a person's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You have broken the ice and you have both agreed to another date, so have fun with this one! Select an activity you'll both like that is not too difficult. Avoid intimidating activities like karaoke, group sports, or water skiing. Ideally choose an activity that has a cadence where you alternate between doing something and speaking. Going on a 10 mile run is great for exercise, but it does not allow for conversation. Watching a movie at a movie theater has similar limits. Date #3: You both confirmed you like each other, it is time to take it to the next level. Try to make this date a bit more special than the first two. It should be romantic, it should test how compatible you really are, and it ought to confirm whether or not you want to keep on seeing each other long term. Following the excitement of dates and two, there may be a lull in date 3, so be sure whatever you select provides new intimacy to the relationship. For example, if I didn't go to the Cal Academy I'd go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Getting your Timing Right Perhaps among the most crucial pieces of the online dating mystery that I see men screw up again and again is time. Assuming the man is the one driving the dating sequence (which is not necessarily the case) there are some questions you need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? How More help long should you wait between date 1 and date 2? When should you sleep together? Here I will share my answers to these questions that I've found most useful. But again, depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort your answers may vary. I will share my experience (as a heterosexual male living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The main thing is to actually consider timing, rather than leaving it up to"feeling" Going from Online to Offline It is quite easy to let a great online conversation die out. You message her, she messages you, back and forth, back and forth. To be able to make certain that I don't waste all my time with online conversations I found that it was best to ask a girl to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or about 20 minutes of continuous conversation. Again, try not to linger in the safe-space of the digital world too long. It might feel like it's necessary, but it's quite easy to waste plenty of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 When I was 25, working as"the new man" in a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales team.

14. One thing I noticed is that each and every time they were finishing a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week after that? O that's no great also. Okay how about the week then?" Regardless of what the prospect said, the salesperson would always insist on at least"penciling" the next meeting to the calendar with the option of cancelling if needed. Once I took this technique and applied it to dating, it led to a pretty incredible results. This rule is a bit contrarian, but it's worked really well: Always ask for the second date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you are putting yourself out there. You are opening yourself up to strangers and in return you are getting plenty of uncertainty. Nobody likes uncertainty. No one likes to check their phone every hour to see if you've texted them or not. No one likes to wonder if you like them or not. Surprisingly, most people do not mind if you don't like them, they just want to know. So my suggestion would be to quit playing games, both with another person and with yourself. If you like them, tell them you like them. If you do not, have the respect to let them know you don't. (A gentle means to do this is by telling them you are not ready to date right now. I had a girl tell me this and it was the easiest let down I've ever experienced and used it later myself also ). I must pause here for one caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not always. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get really excited by the person they've just met and then they proceed to text them, call them, and see them day after day after day. Stop Chasing Shadows once I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He explained,"Girls are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the more they run away. The more you run away, the more they chase you." If you find someone who you would like to be with really badly, do not scare them away by being fanatical. If they like you as well, there is no need to chase them. Yes, you should consciously attempt to establish a date, but there is no reason to go on dates every single night of the week. Permit the relationship to get some breathing room. A fantastic way to judge whether a relationship is going well is if you end up missing the other person and vice versa. There's a lot of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there's even scientific evidence for it also. In several studies, anthropologists have discovered that many primates invest more effort into a relationships if the individuals in that relationship have been forced apart. What's interesting is that researchers at the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same holds true in humans.

15. By data mining cell phone records and comparing call patterns and length, the researchers at the university found that humans may also invest more effort into relationships if there is a risk of that connection weakening. I tried applying this research to relationship in a relatively simple way and, to my surprise, it worked nicely. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse between dates, paradoxically, makes the relationship strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for dating that I found worked pretty well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- variable This sequence meant that I would spread out the first 3 dates across a 1 month period. This allowed for enough time for the relationship to mature and helped me make sure I did not suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the start of the post, these relationship strategies helped me tremendously, but depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process might need to be different than the one above. The important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from dating. In actuality, because dating is such an emotional activity (similar to job hunting), it's imperative to have a system in place that will help you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you are getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on a real rollercoaster, it would be foolish to simply hop on and hold on. Making sure you have that lap belt secured and that you have been on a few less extreme rides can allow you to enjoy the ride a good deal more. As we frequently discuss about the podcast, even when you let go of expectations and just create your target just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Similar to the help of world wide investors, you need to diversify your portfolio and decrease your risk of catastrophic failure. A way of doing that is by going on dates which are not just sit-down dinners, so that regardless of how your relationship partner behaves, at least you will have a good time doing something fun. And, to decrease the risk, you need to build both an outreach and dating sequence so that you reduce the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Find a few activities you like doing and then match the dates into these activities. This is also a wonderful way to filter out people who aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long run. Naturally, irrespective of how well I did all the above things, I had my share of terrible dates. The girl who used me as a meal plan being just one of many. Dating is a rollercoaster that will scare you, challenge you, and sometimes make you wish you had never gotten on. But remember, once you're feeling down and like giving up on love altogether:

16. "You're not as bad as they say you are, you're also not as good as you think you are." Take every date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you work on yourself, improving your conversations, your dates, and your relationship with others, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. If you enjoyed this post, I would super appreciate if you hit the green hand clap button below to ensure that more people can discover it. And, if you've any more questions about relationship, listen to our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the show.