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1. I looked at her and then looked at the dinner bill. She looked me straight in the eyes and smiled. Still, no reply. It definitely was not my best moment, but it wasn't hers either. Apparently, as I discovered afterwards, I had fallen into a trap known as"the meal program." The meal plan, if you're not familiar with it, is when girls go on dates with guys merely to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she certainly fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all of the dates I had gone on until there: all 37 dates to be precise. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like that? Especially since I was being so vulnerable by putting myself out there to ask them out in the first place. As I matured in my online relationship, however, I realized that this was actually a reaction for what men do to women. There are 3 major levers in our lives that, if we pull on them properly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships are the difference between depression and elation. I discovered this firsthand because in the last 5 years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at once. I quit the career I had been building for more than 7 years and I left my 10-year relationship with my girlfriend that I thought I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and dating newcomer. I was depressed. I was scarred. After 9 months of misery and frustration I was about to give up on online dating all together. One day, I was sitting in the shower feeling sorry for myself for over an hour. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene triggered and a little voice in my head said,"you're going to give up? No, no you are not. You are going to kick online dating's ass!" I began to channel my distress into anger, and my anger into determination. I started to approach online dating like one big experiment. I began creating what I predicted,"The Process." In this blog post I will take you through the entire process I chose to master online dating. By optimizing your profile, A/B analyzing your descriptions, starting meaningful conversations, as well as crafting interesting dates. We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so you can't only get dates, but maybe find the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I should preface that based on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process might need to be different than the below. However, the important takeaway here is to pull back the feelings that

2. come from relationship and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I will go meet interesting people and do interesting things," you will be much more likely to enjoy the process. And, if you're diligent, you might end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I have been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 decades and we've moved in together. So maybe these strategies aren't all that mad, but maybe they are, I will leave it for you to judge. Notice: You can also listen to the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I pay a lot of these strategies as we navigate the current struggles and embarrassments of his own relationship trip (and answer listener questions). STEP 1 -- Decide what you're looking for The absolute most common error I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is that they don't define their goal clearly. Deep down inside, the majority of us know whether we're looking for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario I've found is that both men and women that are looking for a meaningful relationship are maximizing their relationship for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with internet dating, she asked me to assist her with her OKCupid profile. She's an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' quite beautiful, a real 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she'd need my help. In less than 5 seconds I saw the problem. Basically, so as to maximize for receiving dates, Maddy had chosen to just include her most provocative photos. Now I would like to be clear, there's nothing wrong with women having"promiscuous" photos online. The problem, in the event of dating, is the format of a dating profile and what you lead with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to intuitively pick up on visual clues much faster than written clues. In actuality, they've found that men who are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by without even activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles conceal most information other than the profile photo before a user clicks, leading with provocative photos sets a bad first impression. So, while it is totally fine to have sexy photos up on your instagram, leading together on your online dating profile is sending signals that could be attracting the wrong type of guy. There are also lots of classy ways to possess interesting pictures that speak to more than just the unconscious brain. Internet Dating pictures can be both intriguing and classy So, although Maddy was trying to locate a relationship, her photographs were only sending signals that she is looking for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag men filling up her inbox. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 4 For men, we tend to have the opposite issue.

3. Every man who has done online dating will testify to the struggle of getting a woman to swipe right on their profile, let alone to make them engage in a conversation. Guys, this is entirely your own fault. I have seen men spend hours talking about the statistics of their favorite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, as well as how financial reports will influence the team's chances. However, when it comes to online dating, guys have a tendency to slap a few pictures on their profile and then begin swiping like orangutans till their palms develop calluses. Guys, stop. Before you begin creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you are trying to achieve. Are you trying to date a great deal of people? Or are you trying to find a meaningful relationship? And"both" is not an answer. As the saying goes... "If you try to appeal to everybody, you will appeal to no one." The techniques I'll outline below work for either desired outcome, but the choices you make will significantly affect your"conversion" rate. By way of example, the first time I mastered everything in this procedure, I started going on a great deal of dates (3--4 per week, weekly ), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I just realized months later that, while it is great to go on a lot of dates and get practice dating (recall I was off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to be sure I had been dating the right people. Luckily I realized this before I was the victim of any more"meal plans" STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile images and descriptions According to a study from Princeton, it's estimated that in any relationship, whether its social or work, we make up our mind about if we like the person in less than 1 second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile picture. They do not get to hear you speak. They don't get to shake your hand. They don't get to smell you (it's a thing). All you get is one picture and there is a 99% chance it is the wrong one. If a person is coming online dating as an experiment, obviously the first thing to test is the profile picture. I started this process in a very unscientific way... One hundred, and I mean 100% of them said that my first image wasn't my best. It was interesting feedback, but I was not certain how I could test numerous pictures considering that I could only

4. put one as the default. The response: testing across programs. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, and the dreaded Tindr. I kept my profile description the same on every profile, but I set up another profile picture on each. I rotated the images across profiles until I could get a large enough sample size and be certain that the platform was not effecting results. Four of my real dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture which I thought was my best was always the one with the least games. Interestingly enough, a film that I didn't read into, pic B, was really a massive turn off for pretty much 100% of women. I was shocked when I found out this, because the two girls in that photo are really good friends of mineso that I never would have made that connection. Sometimes your photos can be your biggest blind spot. To completely test this idea out, I really enrolled a couple of friends (both men and women) to the experiment and had them change out their profile pictures. They got varied results, but one thing was consistent: the picture they thought was their best, never performed the best. This is a super easy optimization that can seem to be a pain today, but it is going to save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20% of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them frequently. Top Tip: If you want to speed up this process, you can really ask your games what they think of your pictures. If a conversation with a game wasn't going well, I decided to get some"user comments" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photographs she believed was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I wasn't getting jobs.) Now, a part of the error might be my fault, since I took his advice quite literally. I started to speak my thoughts, dress how I wanted to dress, and act how I wanted to act. This turned out to be a very bad idea. With no filter or idea behind my actions, I rubbed more than a few people the wrong way. Now that I have matured a bit, I've come to understand that there's a difference between being your overall self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we're never our complete selves except when we're by ourselves.

5. Seth Godin has a wonderful podcast on"signals," that you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we actively choose which signs to give to other men and women. A man wearing a button up shirt, as an example, is not necessarily wealthy, but the button up shirt is putting out the signal that he is wealthy. Much like someone who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is indicating she does not wish to follow society's rules, the man in the button up shirt is indicating that he is okay with following convention. In college I met a woman at a party who immediately caught my attention. I approached her and we instantly hit off. We spent the whole party dancing and flirting. We made plans to have a lunch date at the college cafeteria later that week. I got to the cafeteria early and chose to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a woman walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace round her neck. At first I didn't even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we began talking. After some awkward conversation, she explained that her friends were sick of her being single so they'd dressed her up to be"cuter" for the party to attract a guy. I was that guy. I did not care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized we had practically nothing in common. The outfit she'd used as a signal at the party didn't match her personality at all. We finished the date cordially and proceeded on. Choosing your signals is great, but picking false signals not so much. The same goes for your online dating profile description. You do not want to lie, but you also don't want to be your total self. You need to tell them about how you collect vintage records, you don't want to let them know about how you cry every time a U2 song comes on. You want to tell them about how you volunteer at the animal shelter, you don't need to let them know about how you ran over your cat. First impressions matter. Crafting a fantastic description is perhaps the most difficult and personal piece of improving your online dating profile. There is absolutely no ideal answer, but there are definitely some wrong answers. The first step to having a good dating profile description is using a very clear structure. I break down a dating profile description into 3 components: Headline: A short sentence somebody can read quickly.

6. Intro Paragraph: A bit longer description that gives some color to your interests and personality. Call to Action: A desirable action you want them to take. Internet dating is inherently awkward, so help the other person by letting them know something you can talk about. Ladies this is particularly true for you. If you do not want men messaging you"hey" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to start the conversation with. Unfortunately, people tend to surf internet dating apps the way they surf social media sites: fast and without much thought. It might be, in actuality, that mobile devices have trained us to browse everything in a similar manner. Because of this, I think the headline is perhaps the most crucial bit of your description and you should try different variations until you find one that is right for you. After a lot of testing I discovered that this one worked best for me: The goal of the headline is to give a fast snapshot of what's unique about you. Having a headline that is authentic, interesting, and brief acts like a stop sign for the individual who's scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their cell phone. If you ask any top-performing marketer,"how do I create content which will be successful?" Chances are they'll laugh at the question. As any solid content marketer knows, great content is about respecting the medium that you're creating the content for. By way of instance, if I went up to a girl in a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, energetic," she'll definitely get up and leave. The opposite is true for online dating, however. You want your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or one sentence, and be certain it is quintessentially you. The Intro Paragraph After that initial curiosity is peaked, you can begin paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This isn't the time to compose a novel about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this person, your picture and headline being the first two. The intro paragraph gives a little bit of colour and possibly some talking points that you two can discuss in chat (again, ladies, this is extremely important to add if you would like to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph which worked best for me was: "I love being outside as much as possible! Some of my favourite things are surfing, climbing, and playing

7. volleyball. I'm a creative at heart but I really like learning about new and businesses ideas. I am into photography, design, and Tim Ferriss. My ideal Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a fantastic book at Promenade cafe" This paragraph outlines a few basic activities and hobbies I like and some non-standard items like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The main thing to remember about this section is to prevent the generic activities that could apply to pretty much anyone. "I like hanging out with friends, watching films, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I'm sure that there are people on earth who don't enjoy watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95% or more of those people in your area enjoy both those things too. Rather than attempting to fit in, try to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so you can discover common ground, but also things which are uniquely you. For example in my description above: -- Most people like being outside and photography. -- Some people like surfing, climbing, and volleyball. -- But very few people like learning about businesses or Tim Ferriss. This is optional, even though it certainly helps. In marketing, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they've viewed your content. In relationship, you basically want the individual to message you. This seems like a no brainer, but I've found that a whole lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they finally become discouraged from making initial contact. I've heard countless stories of girls who have matched with a man who they really like, but the man never messages them. When I ask them why they don't message first, they say that they don't know what to say or they don't want to appear desperate. But, obviously you do not want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have an individual section that states: Again, as with all this information, when in doubt just test it out. Try having a call to action and see if your conversations improve. When they don't, just delete it. The attractiveness of dating apps is that instead of having 1--5 chances to make a connection, as you would if you went to a bar for instance, you have tens of thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making initial contact and chatting

8. The place where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" dating is when it comes to the conversation. Having to chat online as your initial conversation is a huge limitation when you are trying to begin a new relationship. For starters, it's a very unnatural method of communicating, because it's been proven that we receive 55% of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communicating. It is logical then that if you take millions of people and set them in a supernatural communication environment you get some fairly unnatural conversations. While it might be fun to play around with weird conversation openers, if you are serious about finding a fantastic relationship through online dating, then it is a good idea to study your results a little bit. As I got better at optimizing my profile, I started matching with more and more people. This gave me the opportunity to begin testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I just wouldn't have been able to determine if I did not have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I will spare you some of the terrible thoughts I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's test how well you can judge a fantastic opener from a poor one. For bonus points, try to order them from most effective to least effective. What is it going?" How was your weekend?" C) "Question: Batman or Superman?" (or some other variation of this type of question). (according to a book they listed in their profile) I'll allow you to consider it for a second. (I will add some distance before the answer below. Scroll once you're ready.) Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer

9. And the answer is... If you guessed D, then you chose the best answer! (If you guessed C, you chose the worst answer.) In order of best to worst, the replies are B, D, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to any conversation starter. While I found the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X book," that clearly depends if they have put a book in their profile. You can modify this to ask about some other part of the profile, such as a movie or a place in their pictures. The reason why I guess the book one works best though is because a) it shows you really read their profile and b) it indicates that you read. If I can use the book opener to initiate a conversation I usually also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x publication? (This is how I opened the dialogue with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I began with this opener felt much more natural and moved beyond a few messages. The second best choice,"Hey! Works nearly as well, but it is obviously limited to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be strange if you used this on a Friday). An alternate version I tried on Thursdays or Fridays was,"Hey! Have any fun plans for the weekend?" This worked pretty well, but not nearly too. I suspect it is because it sounds too much like I am about to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think of something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you've made contact and the other person has responded, it is time to have a conversation. Every conversation varies, but there are some guidelines that I will put in here as hints. First, some online dating suggestions for men: DON'T attempt to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can not tell you how many messages my female friends have shown me that sound objectively psychotic. The sad thing is I know that the guy is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation just like you want a friend. DO attempt to talk about things she's interested in but also add your own thoughts. One of the most common complaints I've heard from female friends is they feel like they're being interviewed. Be certain that you ask questions, but that you also share things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her appearance or body. Irrespective of how well intentioned you are, it will be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you are so beautiful! You've got a cute smile! You're..." will only lead to a polite"thank you" and won't create meaningful conversation. Now, a couple of online dating suggestions for women: DO be nice and help guide the conversation. Even when I have tried to be nice and friendly, I've still received very curt or standoff-ish responses. No matter how much guys pretend they don't care about the conversation, they do. And they normally have no clue what they're doing, so offer them some help and direct the dialogue in a

10. positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking some of your own. If you're tired of discussions feeling such as interviews, then be certain that you ask the man about things he is interested in also. It takes two to tango. DON'T make judgments too soon. In my experience women tend to put a good deal more thought into their text messages than men do. If a man says something that looks weird or odd, give him the benefit of the doubt and do not read too much into it, chances are he did not either. Now a suggestion for the two parties: Try to move the conversation from online to in real life relatively jak napisać do dziewczyny na badoo fast. Online dating is a excellent tool to fulfill someone, but it's just that. It's a tool, it isn't actual dating. My general recommendation for moving from online to in real life is either one long conversation or two short conversations. It should never take more than a week to establish a date. So, if you match with each other on a Monday, you should definitely have started talking about having a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the programs, but also get them off quickly. In real life is a lot more fun too in case you know how to set up great dates... Step 4 -- Making a date sequence that will cause you to smile more and sweat less Once I had mastered the online portion of relationship, I soon realized that procuring the date is only half the battle. The second half of the battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you've even set out from your residence. As they say in real estate: location, location, location. Where you have your date determines about 50--70 percent of the outcome of the date. But first a question... Where is the worst place to have a date? As it happens, it is actually at the most frequently selected dating place: A sit-down restaurant. At first I was taking all of my dates to restaurants for dinner. Boring, I know. But bear in mind, I was completely new to dating so I was just following what I'd seen in movies. Many of them didn't go well, but I was not sure why. After a dozen or so awkward (and expensive) dates, I determined that I should experiment with some other locations. What happened next was totally mind blowing. It was not that I was doing anything differently or that I was choosing better women to go on dates with, it was merely a matter of context. Here's why I think dinner dates don't work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger outside a restaurant. You sit down at a desk. You start talking, then the waiter

11. interrupts asking about drinks. You continue to talking. The waiter interrupts again to your food order. You are not ready to order since you've been talking. The waiter provides you"another minute." You examine the menu making remarks about the choices. The waiter comes back ten minutes later. You talk and talk. Then you run out of things to talk about. What do you do next? You need to keep talking. A dinner date provides no options. It's a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost immediately. This problem is exacerbated by the fact that many of us are getting worse at getting in-person discussions. Spending so much time online has enhanced our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in- house communication abilities. Therefore, if we are getting worse at having in-person discussions, why would you bet your whole love life on the fact you will be able to have an remarkable in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I was holding on to a little ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet over the floor like a giant cat toy. My fingers began to sweat and I knew that I couldn't hold on to the ledge much longer. "O well," I thought,"this will be a good bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I anticipated the sharp shock of the rope on my climbing harness. However, there was no jolt. I started falling for what felt like eternity. As it happens, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope just as I'd slipped off the ledge. She panicked and didn't grab the rope until I had fallen 15 feet to what I was certain was my upcoming death. Finally the rope eventually stopped and I felt a huge jolt, both emotionally and physically. "Okay this date may be a little too exciting," I thought. My whole dating profession made a 180-degree turn once I began taking my dates on fun activities rather than dinners. Some of these activities worked better than others. But I found out that the most essential elements to a wonderful date place could be distilled into three classes: Walkability -- Do we have to sit together or can we walk around? When you're walking, your landscape is shifting so that you can grab new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked guy on rollerblades!" Activity -- Can we both do the action reasonably well? I've seen guys get this one fairly wrong. It's fun to teach someone something that you're passionate about, but be sure it is not too hard. Taking a girl rock climbing? Make sure she is not afraid of heights first.

12. Scalability -- Would the date grow or shrink in scale as needed? Having a terrific time? Great! No chemistry? No issue, how can we end the date earlier? With these three criteria, I crafted a 3 date sequence that nearly doubled the amount of successful dates I went on. I know what you are thinking,"This guy took women out to the same places like it was some kind of regimented assembly line?" No. This was my go-to order, but, based on interests, I'd substitute different activities to keep the dates interesting. This was simply a template which simplified my decisions and reduced the cognitive load I was putting in my brain. So here's my ideal dating arrangement: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks every Friday by the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the difficulties of inviting someone out to dinner is that everybody has different food preferences. Then (if you are a guy) you've got to account for cost of food. Off the grid solves this because there are over 20 different kinds of (affordable) cuisine. It also allows you to walk around, people watch, and get drinks. It is possible to extend the date by getting dessert or listening to the live bands. Feel like going all out? Queue the awkward white-boy dance moves. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could vary based on interests but I had a few go-tos, specifically: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the shore. Why I like it: What these actions had in common were the 3 variables: walkability, action, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, grab cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favorite bar, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we could alternate between talking and activity. If we did a picnic on the beach, we can go for romantic walks or huddle around a fire pit on Ocean Beach. Date #3 -- Cal Academy Adult Night: An adult-only night in the Cal Academy of Sciences where you can grab drinks and look at exhibits. Why I like it: This date was particularly important because if a girl had made it to date #3, it meant I really liked her. Additionally, it meant we might take the relationship to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, plus it was a semi-formal occasion so we can both dress well for that particular night. This was also my secret evaluation because if a woman did not like science and facts it likely would not work out between us anyway. Listen to all the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are just three examples of how to take online dating offline and make a reasonably successful dating sequence. Here are a few tips on what to search for on each date as you try to make your own dating sequence: Date #1: Search for a casual environment that is not intimidating. Dark bars or loud places don't make for good conversation. Make sure that you can reliably go to this area, so avoid places with long waits or where you will need to make reservations. Ensure you are able to schedule the date for a weeknight (try to not book someone's weekend for a first date).

13. Date #2: You've broken the ice and you have both agreed to a second date, so have fun with this one! Choose an activity you'll both like that is not too tricky. Ideally choose an activity that has a cadence where you alternate between doing something and talking. Going on a 10 mile run is fantastic for exercise, but it doesn't allow for conversation. Watching a movie at a movie theater has similar limits. Date #3: You confirmed you enjoy each other, it is time to take it to another level. Try to make this date a bit more special than the first two. It should be romantic, it should test how compatible you both really are, and it ought to confirm whether you want to keep on seeing each other long term. Following the excitement of dates one and two, there may be a lull in date 3, so make sure whatever you choose gives new intimacy to the relationship. By way of instance, if I did not visit the Cal Academy I'd go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Obtaining your Timing Right Perhaps one of the most important pieces of the internet dating puzzle that I see guys screw up again and again is timing. Assuming the man is the one forcing the relationship sequence (which isn't necessarily the case) there are a few questions you will need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? How long should you wait between date 1 and date 2? When should you go for the kiss? When should you sleep together? Here I'll share my answers to these questions that I've found most useful. But again, depending upon your context, your culture, and your own comfort your answers may vary. I'll share my experience (as a heterosexual man living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The main thing is to actually think about timing, as opposed to leaving it up to"feeling." Going from Online to Offline It is quite easy to let a great online conversation die out. You message , she messages you, back and forth, forth and back. To be able to make certain I don't waste all my time with online conversations I found it was best to ask a girl to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or roughly 20 minutes of constant conversation. Again, try not to linger in the safe-space of the virtual world too long. It might feel like it's necessary, but it is quite easy to waste a lot of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 When I was 25, functioning as"the new guy" in a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales staff. One thing that I discovered is that every time they were finishing a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week after that? O that's no good also. Okay how about the week after that?" No matter what the prospect said, the salesperson would always insist on at least"penciling" another meeting to the calendar with the choice of cancelling if needed. Once I took this technique and applied it to dating, it led to a pretty incredible results. This rule is somewhat contrarian, but it's worked really well: Always request the next date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you are putting yourself out there. You're opening yourself up to strangers and in return you're getting plenty of uncertainty. No one likes uncertainty.

14. No one likes to look at their phone every hour to see if you've texted them or not. Nobody likes to wonder whether you like them or not. Surprisingly, most individuals do not mind if you don't like them, they only want to know. So my suggestion would be to quit playing games, both with the other person and with yourself. If you like them, tell them you like them. If you don't, have the respect to let them know you don't. (A gentle means to do this is by telling them that you are not prepared to date at this time. I had a girl tell me this and it was the easiest let down I have ever experienced and used it later myself too). I must pause here for one caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not constantly. Nobody likes to be smothered or chased constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get really excited by the person they've just met and then they proceed to text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day. Stop Chasing Shadows When I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He told me,"Women are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the more they run away. The more you run away, the longer they chase you." If you find someone who you would like to be with really badly, don't scare them away by being fanatical. If they like you too, there is no need to chase them. Yes, you should consciously try to establish a date, but there is no reason to go on dates each and every night of the week. Allow the relationship to have some breathing room. A good way to judge if a relationship is going well is if you find yourself missing the other person and vice versa. There is a lot of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there is even scientific evidence for it as well. In several studies, anthropologists have discovered that lots of primates invest more effort into a relationships if the people in that connection have been forced apart. What is interesting is that researchers at the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same holds true in humans. By data mining mobile phone records and comparing telephone patterns and length, the researchers at the university found that people will also invest more effort into relationships if there is a risk of that relationship weakening. I tried applying this research to relationship in a relatively simple way and, to my surprise, it worked nicely. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse between dates, ironically, makes the relationship strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship that I found worked pretty well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1

15. Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- variable This arrangement meant that I'd spread out the first 3 dates across a 1 month period. This allowed for sufficient time for the relationship to grow and helped me make sure I did not suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the beginning of the post, these relationship approaches helped me tremendously, but depending upon your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process may need to be different than the one above. In fact, because dating is such an emotional activity (similar to job hunting), it's imperative to have a system in place that will help you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you are getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on an actual rollercoaster, it would be foolish to just jump and hold on. Making sure you have that lap belt secured and that you have been on a few less extreme rides can help you enjoy the ride a whole lot more. As we often discuss on the podcast, when you let go of expectations and just create your goal just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Like the advice of world-class investors, you want to diversify your portfolio and decrease your risk of catastrophic failure. A way of doing that is by going on dates that aren't only sit-down dinners, so that regardless of how your dating partner behaves, at least you'll have a fantastic time doing something fun. And, to minimize the risk, you need to build both an outreach and relationship sequence so you decrease the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Locate a few activities you enjoy doing and then match the dates into these activities. This is also a great way to filter out people that aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long term. Naturally, irrespective of how well I did all the above items, I still had my share of terrible dates. The woman who used me as a meal program being just one of several. Dating is a rollercoaster that will scare you, challenge you, and sometimes make you wish you had never gotten on. But remember, once you're feeling down and enjoy giving up on love altogether: "You're not as bad as they say you are, you are also not as good as you think you are." Take each date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you work on yourself, improving your conversations, your dates, and your relationship with others, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. Until then, strap in and enjoy the ride. If you enjoyed this post, I'd super appreciate if you hit the green hand clap button below so that more people can discover it. And, if you've any more questions about dating, hear our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the show.