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1. THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: Tips, tricks, and manipulations to navigate the pains and pitfalls She looked me directly in the eyes and smiled. Again, I looked at her and then looked at the invoice. Still, no response. It definitely was not my best moment, but it wasn't hers either. Apparently, as I discovered later, I had fallen into a trap called"the meal plan." The meal program, if you're not familiar with it, is when girls go on dates with guys just to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she definitely fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all of the dates I had gone until there: all 37 dates to be precise. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like this? As I matured in my internet dating, however, I understood that this was really a response for what men do to women. There are three significant levers in our lives which, if we pull them correctly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships are the difference between depression and elation. I discovered this first hand because in the past five years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at the same time. I quit the career I had been building for more than 7 years and I left my 10-year connection with my girlfriend who I believed I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and dating newcomer. After 9 months of misery and frustration I was about to give up on online dating all together. One day, I was sitting in the shower feeling sorry for myself for over an hour. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene triggered and a little voice in my head said,"you're going to give up? No, no you are not. You're going to kick on online dating's ass!" I began to channel my distress into anger, and my anger into determination. I started to approach online dating just like one big experiment. I began creating what I called,"The Process." In this blog post I will take you through the entire process I chose to master online dating. By optimizing your profile, A/B testing your descriptions, beginning meaningful conversations, as well as crafting interesting dates. We'll discuss how to streamline the online dating process so you can't just get dates, but maybe find the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I must preface that depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your

2. process might have to be different than the under. However, the important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from relationship and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I will go meet fascinating people and do interesting things," you will be much more likely to enjoy the process. And, if you're diligent, you may end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I have been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 years and we have moved in together. So maybe these strategies are not all that crazy, but maybe they are, I'll leave it for you to judge. Listen to the Modern Dating Show Podcast for more tips, tricks, and embarrassingly real stories. Notice: You can also listen to the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a whole lot of these strategies as we browse the present struggles and embarrassments of his own dating journey (and answer listener questions). STEP 1 -- Decide what you're looking for The absolute most common error I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is they don't define their target clearly. Deep down inside, most of us know whether we're searching for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario I've discovered is that both men and women that are looking for a meaningful relationship are optimizing their dating for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with internet dating, she asked me to assist her with her OKCupid profile. She is an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' quite beautiful, a true 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she'd need my help. The photos I saw in her profile looked like they belonged more on thechive.com rather than on any dating website. Basically, in order to maximize for receiving dates, Maddy had chosen to only include her most provocative photographs. Now I would like to be clear, there's nothing wrong with girls having"promiscuous" photos online. The problem, in the case of dating, is the arrangement of a relationship and what you lead with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to pick up on visual cues much faster than written clues. In actuality, they have found that men that are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles hide most information other than the profile photo before a user clicks, leading with provocative photos sets a poor first impression. So, while it's totally fine to have sexy photos up in your instagram, leading with them on your online dating profile is sending signals that may be attracting the wrong type of guy. Additionally, there are lots of classy ways to have interesting pictures that speak to more than just the subconscious mind. Online dating pictures can be both classy and intriguing So, although Maddy was trying to find a relationship, her photographs were sending signals that she's searching for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag men filling up her inbox.

3. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 4 Every man who has done online dating will attest to the battle of getting a woman to swipe right on their profile, let alone to get them to participate in a conversation. Men, this is entirely your own fault. I have seen guys spend hours talking about the statistics of their favourite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, and even how financial reports will effect the team's chances. But, when it comes to online dating, guys tend to slap a few pictures in their profile and then start swiping like orangutans till their fingers develop calluses. Men, stop. Before you start creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you are trying to achieve. Are you trying to date a lot of people? Or are you trying to find a meaningful relationship? And"both" is not an answer. "If you try to appeal to everybody, you will interest no one." The techniques I'll outline below work for either desired outcome, but the choices you make will vastly affect your"conversion" rate. For instance, the first time I mastered everything in this process, I started going on a lot of dates (3--4 per week, every week), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I just realized months after that, while it's good to go on a lot of dates and get practice dating (recall I had been off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to be sure I was dating the perfect people. Luckily I realized this before I was the victim of some more"meal plans." STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile pictures and descriptions First impressions matter. According to a study from Princeton, it's estimated that in any relationship, whether its work or social, we make our mind up about whether we like the person in less than one second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile image. They don't get to hear you talk. They do not get to shake your hand. They don't get to smell you (it's a thing). All you get is 1 picture and there is a 99% chance it is the wrong one. If a person is coming online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to check is the profile picture. I started this process in a very unscientific way...

4. I went to every female friend I knew and asked her what she thought of my photos. One hundred, and I mean 100% of them said that my first picture was not my best. It was interesting feedback, but I wasn't certain how I could test multiple pictures considering that I could only put one as the default option. The answer: testing across programs. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, along with the dreaded Tindr. I retained my profile description the exact same on every profile, but I put up another profile picture on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles until I could find a large enough sample size and be sure that the platform was not effecting results. Four of my actual dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture which I thought was my best was always the one with the least games. Interestingly enough, a film I did not read much into, pic B, was really a huge turn off for pretty much 100 percent of women. When I asked them why, without skipping a beat they replied,"it makes you look like a player." I was shocked when I found out this, because the two girls in that photo are really good friends of mineso I never would have made that connection. Sometimes your photos can be your greatest blind spot. To totally test this idea out, I actually enrolled a few friends (both men and women) into the experiment and had them change out their profile pictures. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 2 This is a super easy optimization that can look to be a pain today, but it is going to save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20% of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them frequently. Top Tip: If you would like to speed up this process, you can really ask your matches exactly what they think of your pictures. If a conversation with a match wasn't going well, I decided to get some"user feedback" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photos she thought was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I was not getting jobs.) Descriptions are negotiable In highschool I had a history teacher, Mr. Hernandez, who gave me the worst piece of advice I've ever received:"just be yourself." Now, a part of this error may be my fault, because I took his advice very literally. I started to speak my thoughts, dress how I wanted to dress, and act how I wished to act.

5. This turned out to be a very bad idea. With no filter or thought behind my actions, I rubbed more than a few people the wrong way. Now that I've matured a bit, I've come to realize that there's a difference between being your overall self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are never our complete selves except when we are by ourselves. Seth Godin has a wonderful podcast on"signals," that you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we actively choose which signals to give to other men and women. A man wearing a button up shirt, for instance, isn't always wealthy, but the button up top is putting out the sign that he's wealthy. Much like a person who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is signaling she doesn't want to follow society's rules, the man in the button up shirt is signaling that he is okay with subsequent convention. Signals matter. In college I met a girl at a party who immediately caught my eye. She was wearing a summer dress, flower earrings, and looked very cute. I approached her and we immediately hit off. We spent the whole party dancing and flirting. We made plans to have a lunch date in the college cafeteria later that week. I got to the cafeteria early and chose to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a woman walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace round her neck. At first I didn't even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we started talking. I was that guy. I did not care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized we had practically nothing in common. The outfit she had used as a sign at the party didn't match her personality in any way. We ended the date cordially and moved on. Signals matter. Choosing your signals is good, but picking false signals not so much. You don't need to lie, but you also don't want to be your total self. You want to tell them about how you collect vintage records, you don't want to let them know about the way you cry every time a U2 tune comes on. You want to tell them about the way you volunteer at the animal shelter, you do not want to tell them about how you ran over your cat. Crafting a fantastic description is perhaps the most difficult and personal bit of improving your online dating profile. There is no ideal answer, but there are some incorrect answers. The first step to getting a great dating profile description is using a clear structure.

6. I break down a dating profile description into 3 components: Headline: A brief sentence somebody can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A bit longer description that gives some color to your interests and personality. Call to Action: A desired action you want them to take. Internet dating is inherently awkward, so help the other person by letting them know something that you two can talk about. Ladies this is particularly true for you. If you do not want guys messaging you"hello" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to start the conversation with. Unfortunately, people tend to surf online dating apps the way they surf social networking sites: quickly and without much thought. It might be, in actuality, that mobile devices have trained us to browse everything in a similar manner. Due to this, I think the headline is perhaps the most important bit of your description and you need to try different variations until you find one that is right for you. After a lot of testing I discovered that this one worked best for me: The goal of the headline is to give a quick snapshot of what's unique about you. Having a headline that is authentic, interesting, and short functions like a stop sign for the individual who's scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their phone. If you ask any top-performing marketer,"how do I create content which will be successful?" It is likely that they'll laugh at the question. As any solid content marketer knows, terrific content is all about respecting the medium that you are producing the content for. For instance, if I went into a woman at a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active," she will definitely get up and leave. The opposite is true for online dating, however. You want your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or a single sentence, and make certain it is quintessentially you. Once that initial curiosity is peaked, you can begin paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This isn't the time to compose a book about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this person, your headline and picture being the first two. The intro paragraph provides a little bit of color and possibly some talking points that you can talk about in conversation (again, ladies, this is extremely important to include if you would like to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph which worked best for me was: "I love being outside as much as possible! Some of my favorite items are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I'm a creative at heart but I love learning about businesses and new ideas. I am into photography, layout, and Tim Ferriss.

7. My perfect Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a fantastic book at Promenade cafe" This paragraph outlines a couple of basic hobbies and activities I like as well as some non-standard items like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The main thing to remember about this section is to avoid the generic actions that could apply to pretty much anybody. "I enjoy hanging out with friends, watching movies, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I am sure that there are people in the world who don't enjoy watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95% or more of the people in your area enjoy those things too. Rather than attempting to fit in, try to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so it's possible to find common ground, but also things which are uniquely you. For example in my description above: -- Many people like being outdoors and photography. -- Some people like surfing, climbing, and volleyball. -- But very few people like learning about businesses or Tim Ferriss. This is optional, although it certainly helps. In marketing, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they've viewed your content. In relationship, you basically need the person to message you. This seems like a no brainer, but I have found that a lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they eventually become discouraged from making first contact. I have heard countless stories of girls who have paired with a guy who they really like, but the guy never messages them. When I ask them why they don't message first, they say that they don't know what to say or they don't want to seem desperate. The call to action helps alleviate this problem by making it clear that you want them to message you. Butobviously you don't want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific.

8. On OkCupid they have an individual section that states: "You should message me if..." ← This is OkCupid's sub-heading but you can just manually add it on other internet dating apps too. My CTA goes as follows: "You should message me if you are an interesting person who likes to play outside." Again, as with all this information, when in doubt just check it out. Try having a call to action and see if your conversations improve. If they don't, simply delete it. The attractiveness of dating programs is that instead of having 1--5 chances to make a connection, as you would if you went to a pub for example, you have tens of thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making first talking and contact The place where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" dating is when it has to do with the conversation. Having to talk online as your first conversation is a massive limitation when you are trying to start a new relationship. For starters, it's a really unnatural way of communicating, because it's been shown that we receive 55% of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communicating. It makes sense then that if you take countless people and set them in an unnatural communication environment you get some fairly unnatural conversations. While it may be fun to play around with bizarre conversation openers, if you are serious about finding a fantastic relationship through online relationship, then it's a fantastic idea to study your results a little bit. This gave me the chance to start testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I simply would not have been able to determine if I did not have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I'll spare you some of the terrible ideas I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's examine how well you can judge a fantastic opener from a poor one. QUIZ Which of the following conversation starters performs the best? A) "Hey!

9. How's it going?" How was your weekend?" (or any other variation of the sort of question). (based on a book they listed in their profile) I will allow you to consider it for a second. (I will add some distance before the reply below. Scroll once you're ready.) Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer And the answer is... If you guessed D, then you chose the best answer! (If you guessed C, you chose the worst answer.) In order of best to worst, the answers are D, B, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to any conversation starter. While I found the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X novel," that clearly depends if they have put a book in their profile. You can modify this to ask about some other part of the profile, like a movie or a location in their pictures. The reason why I guess that the book one works best though is because a) it shows you actually read their profile and b) it indicates that you read. If I may use the book opener to start a conversation I typically also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x publication? I am currently reading'Losing my Virginity' by Richard Branson and highly recommend it!" (This is how I opened the conversation with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I started with this opener felt much more natural and moved past a few messages. The second best option,"Hey! How was your weekend?" Works nearly as well, but it is obviously confined to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be odd if you used this on a Friday). Have any fun plans for the weekend?" This worked pretty well, but not nearly too. I suspect it's because it seems too much like I'm going to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think of something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you've made contact and the other person has responded, it's time to have a dialogue. Every conversation varies, but there are some guidelines that I will put in here as hints. First, some online dating suggestions for men:

10. DON'T attempt to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can't tell you the number of messages my female friends have shown me that noise objectively psychotic. The sad thing is I know that the guy is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation like you want a friend. DO try to talk about things she's interested in but also add your own ideas. Among the most common complaints I've heard from female friends is they feel like they're being interviewed. Make sure that you ask questions, but that you also discuss things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her body or appearance. Irrespective of how well intentioned you are, it will be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you're so beautiful! You've got a cute smile! You are..." will only result in a polite"thank you" and will not create meaningful conversation. Now, a few online dating suggestions for girls: DO be nice and help guide the conversation. Even when I have tried to be nice and friendly, I've still received very curt or standoff-ish answers. No matter how much guys pretend they don't care about the dialogue, they do. And they usually don't have any clue what they're doing, so offer them some help and guide the conversation in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking any of your own. If you're tired of conversations feeling such as interviews, then be certain to ask the guy about things he is interested in also. DON'T make judgments too soon. In my experience women tend to place a good deal more thought into their text messages than guys do. If a man says something that seems weird or strange, give him the benefit of the doubt and don't read too much into it, chances are he didn't either. Now a proposal for the two parties: Attempt to move the conversation from online to in real life relatively quickly. Online dating is a great tool to meet someone, but it is just that. It's a tool, it isn't actual dating. My general recommendation for moving from online to in real life is one long conversation or two brief conversations. It should never take more than a week to establish a date. So, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have begun talking about having a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the programs, but also get them off quickly. In real life is a lot more fun too if you know how to set up great dates... Step 4 -- Creating a date sequence that will make you smile more and sweat less Once I had mastered the online part of dating, I soon realized that securing the date is only half the battle. The second half of the battle, how well the date goes, is largely determined before you have even set out from your house. In which you have your date decides about 50--70 percent of the results of the date. But first a question... Where is the worst place to have a date? As it turns out, it's actually at the most commonly selected dating location: A sit-down restaurant.

11. Initially I was taking all my dates to restaurants for dinner. But remember, I was totally new to dating so I was just following what I had seen in movies. Many of them didn't go well, but I was not certain why. After a dozen or so awkward (and expensive) dates, I decided that I should experiment with some other locations. What occurred next was absolutely mind blowing. It was not that I was doing anything differently or that I was choosing better women to go on dates with, it was merely a matter of context. Here's why I believe dinner dates do not work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger out a restaurant. You sit down at a desk. You start talking, then the waiter interrupts asking about drinks. You choose beverages. You continue to speaking. The waiter interrupts again for your food order. You are not ready to order since you've been talking. The waiter gives you"another moment." You look at the menu making remarks about the choices. The waiter comes back ten minutes later. You order food. You talk and talk. You then run out of things to discuss. What should you do next? There are no exits, nothing around to comment on, nothing to see or do. You need to keep talking. Talk... Talk... Talk! A dinner date provides no choices. It's a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost immediately. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that most of us are getting worse at getting in-person conversations. Spending so much time online has enhanced our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in- person communication skills. So, if we're getting worse at having in-person discussions, why would you bet your whole love life on the fact you will be able to have an amazing in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I had been holding on to a little ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet above the floor like a giant cat toy. "O well," I thought,"this will be a good bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I expected the sharp jolt of the rope on my climbing harness. But there was no jolt. I started jak zagadać do dziewczyny na portalu falling for what felt like eternity. As it turns out, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope just as I had slipped off the ledge. She panicked and did not grab the rope until I had dropped 15 ft to what I was sure was my upcoming death. Eventually the rope eventually stopped and I felt a massive jolt, both physically and emotionally. My entire dating profession made a 180-degree turn once I started taking my dates on fun activities instead of dinners. Some of these activities worked better than others. However, I found out that the most crucial elements to a great date spot could be distilled into three classes: Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you are walking, your landscape is changing so that you can pick up new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked guy on rollerblades!" (It is San Francisco after all). Activity -- Can we both do the action reasonably well? I've seen men get this one pretty wrong. It is fun to teach

12. someone something that you are passionate about, but be certain it's not too hard. Taking a woman rock climbing? Make sure she is not scared of heights first. Scalability -- Would the date increase or shrink in scale as needed? Having a great time? Great! No chemistry? No problem, how can we end the date earlier? Using these three criteria, I crafted a three date sequence that nearly doubled the number of successful dates I went on. Now I know what you are thinking,"This guy took women out to the very same places like it was some sort of regimented assembly line?" No. This was my go-to order, but, depending on interests, I'd substitute different activities to keep the dates interesting. This was simply a template that simplified my decisions and reduced the cognitive load I was putting on my brain. Happy brain = Happy dates. So here is my ideal dating arrangement: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks every Friday by the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the problems of inviting someone out to dinner is that everyone has different food preferences. Then (if you are a guy) you've got to account for cost of food. Off the grid accomplishes this since there are over 20 distinct kinds of (affordable) cuisine. It also lets you walk around, people watch, and get drinks. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a couple of go-tos, specifically: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the beach. Why I like it: What these activities had in common were the 3 variables: walkability, activity, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, grab cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favourite bar, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we can alternate between talking and activity. Why I like it: This date was especially important because if a woman had made it #3, it meant I really liked her. Additionally, it meant we might take the connection to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, also it was a semi-formal occasion so we can both dress nicely for that special night. This was also my secret evaluation because if a girl didn't like facts and science it probably would not work out between us anyway. As an added bonus, it was also a 20-min walk from my place, so that helped with the"scalability" of the evening. Listen to all the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are merely three examples of how to take online dating offline and make a reasonably successful dating arrangement. Here are a few tips on what to look for on every date as you try to make your own dating sequence: Date #1: Search for a casual environment that isn't intimidating. Dark bars or loud places do not make for great conversation. Make sure that you can reliably visit this place, so avoid places with long waits or where you need to make reservations. Ensure you are able to schedule the date for a weeknight (try not to book someone's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You have broken the ice and you have both agreed to another date, so have fun with this one! Select an

13. activity you'll both like that is not too tricky. Ideally choose an activity which has a cadence where you alternate between doing something and speaking. Going on a 10 mile run is great for exercise, but it doesn't allow for conversation. Seeing a movie at a movie theater has similar limits. Date #3: You confirmed you enjoy each other, it's time to take it to the next level. Try to make this date a bit more special than the first two. It should be romantic, it should test how compatible you both really are, and it ought to confirm whether or not you want to keep on seeing each other long term. After the excitement of dates and two, there can be a lull in date 3, so be sure whatever you select provides new intimacy to the relationship. By way of example, if I didn't go to the Cal Academy I would go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Getting your Timing Right Perhaps among the most crucial pieces of the internet dating puzzle that I see men screw up again and again is timing. Assuming the guy is the one driving the relationship sequence (which isn't always the case) there are a few questions you need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? When should you go for the kiss? Here I will share my answers to these questions that I've found most helpful. But again, depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort your answers may vary. The main thing is to actually consider timing, rather than leaving it up to"feeling" Going from Online to Offline It's very easy to let a great online dialog die out. You message her, she messages you, back and forth, back and forth. In order to make certain I don't waste all my time with internet conversations I found it was best to ask a woman to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or roughly 20 minutes of continuous conversation. Again, try not to linger in the safe-space of this digital world too long. It may feel like it's necessary, but it's quite easy to waste a lot of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 once I was 25, functioning as"the new guy" in a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales staff. Every day I overheard their sales calls where they would utilize their jedi mind tricks to close deals with multi-million dollar accounts. One thing I discovered is that each and every time they were finishing a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week then? O that's no great too. Okay how about the week after that?" Regardless of what the prospect said, the salesperson would always insist on at least"penciling" the next meeting to the calendar with the option of cancelling if needed. When I took this technique and applied it to dating, it led to a pretty incredible results. This rule is a bit contrarian, but it has worked really well: Always request the next date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you're putting yourself out there. You're opening yourself up to strangers and in return you are getting plenty of uncertainty. No one likes uncertainty. No one likes to check their phone every hour to determine if you've texted them or not. No one likes to wonder

14. whether you like them or not. Surprisingly, most individuals don't mind if you don't like them, they only want to know. So my suggestion is to stop playing games, both with the other person and with yourself. If you don't, have the respect to let them know you don't. (A gentle means to do this is by telling them that you aren't ready to date at this time. I had a woman tell me this and it was the easiest let down I have ever experienced and used it later myself also ). I must pause here for a single caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get really excited by the person they have just met and they then proceed to text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day. He explained,"Women are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the more they run away. The more you run away, the longer they chase you." If you find someone who you want to be with really poorly, do not frighten them away by being fanatical. If they like you as well, there is no need to chase them. Yes, you should actively try to establish a date, but there's no reason to go on dates every single night of the week. Permit the relationship to get some breathing room. A fantastic way to judge if a relationship is going well is if you end up missing the other person and vice versa. There is a great deal of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there's even scientific evidence for it as well. In several studies, anthropologists have discovered that lots of primates invest more effort into a relationships if the individuals in that connection have been forced apart. What is interesting is that researchers in the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same is true in humans. By data mining mobile phone records and comparing call patterns and duration, the researchers at the university found that humans will also invest more effort into relationships if there is a risk of that connection weakening. I tried applying this research to relationship in a relatively straightforward way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse between dates, paradoxically, makes the connection strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for dating that I found worked pretty well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2

15. Date 4 -- variable This arrangement meant that I would spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for sufficient time for the relationship to grow and helped me make sure I did not suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the beginning of the post, these dating approaches helped me tremendously, but based upon your context, your culture, and your comfort, your procedure might have to be different than the one above. The important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come out of dating. In fact, because relationship is such an emotional activity (like job hunting), it's vital to have a system in place to help you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you're getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on an actual rollercoaster, it would be foolish to just jump and hold on. Making sure you have that lap belt secured and that you've been on a few less extreme rides can allow you to enjoy the ride a good deal more. Perhaps the single most important thing to keep in mind though is to let go of expectations and treat the process like an experiment. As we frequently discuss about the podcast, even when you let go of expectations and only make your goal just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Similar to the advice of world wide investors, you need to diversify your portfolio and minimize your risk of catastrophic failure. A way of doing this is by going on dates which aren't only sit-down dinners, so that no matter how your relationship partner behaves, at least you will have a good time doing something fun. And, to decrease the risk, you should build both an outreach and dating sequence so that you decrease the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Locate a few activities you like doing and then fit the dates into these activities. This is also a great way to filter out people that aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long term. Of course, irrespective of how well I did all the above items, I had my share of terrible dates. The woman who used me as a meal program being just one of several. Dating is a rollercoaster that will frighten you, challenge you, and sometimes make you wish you had never gotten on. But bear in mind, when you're feeling down and enjoy giving up on love altogether: "You are not as bad as they say you are, you are also not as good as you think you are." Take each date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you work on your own, improving your discussions, your dates, and your connection with others, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. Until then, strap in and enjoy the ride. If you enjoyed this post, I'd super love if you hit the green hand clap button below to ensure that more folks can discover it. And, if you've any more questions about dating, hear our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the show.