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1. THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: Tips, tricks, and manipulations to navigate the pains and pitfalls She looked me straight in the eyes and smiled. Still, no reply. At that moment I imagined picking up the bill and slapping her across the face with it as hard as I could. It definitely was not my best moment, but it wasn't hers either. Apparently, as I found out later, I had fallen into a trap known as"the meal plan." The meal program, if you're unfamiliar with it, is when girls go on dates with guys just to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she certainly fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all the dates I had gone on until that point: all 37 dates to be precise. How could women take advantage of me like that? Especially since I was being so vulnerable by putting myself out there to ask them out in the first place. As I matured in my internet relationship, however, I realized that this was actually a reaction for what men do to women. There are 3 major levers in our lives that, if we pull them properly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships can be the difference between depression and elation. I learned this firsthand because in the last 5 years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at the same time. I quit the career I had been building for over 7 years and I left my 10-year connection with my girlfriend who I thought I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and relationship novice. I was scared. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene activated and a little voice in my head said,"you're going to give up? No, no you are not. You're going to kick on online dating's ass!" I started to channel my misery into anger, and my anger into determination. I began to approach online dating just like one big experiment. I began creating what I predicted,"The Process." In this blog post I'll take you through the whole process I took to learn online dating. From optimizing your profile, A/B analyzing your descriptions, starting meaningful conversations, and even crafting interesting dates.

2. We'll discuss how to streamline the online dating process so you can't only get dates, but possibly find the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I must preface that depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process may need to be different than the under. However, the important takeaway here is to pull back the feelings that come from dating and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I will go meet interesting people and do interesting things," you'll be more likely to enjoy the process. And, if you are diligent, you may end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I've been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 decades and we've moved in together. So maybe these strategies aren't all that crazy, but perhaps they are, I will leave it for you to judge. Note: You can also hear the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a lot of these approaches as we browse the current struggles and embarrassments of his own dating journey (and answer listener questions). STEP 1 -- Decide what you're looking for The absolute most frequent error I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is they don't define their target obviously. Deep down inside, the majority of us know whether we are searching for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario that I've discovered is that both men and women that are looking for a meaningful relationship are maximizing their relationship for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with online dating, she asked me to help her with her OKCupid profile. She's an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' quite beautiful, a real 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she'd need my help. Basically, so as to optimize for getting dates, Maddy had chosen to just include her most provocative photos. Now I would like to be clear, there's nothing wrong with women having"promiscuous" pictures online. The problem, in the event of dating, is the arrangement of a dating profile and what you contribute with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to pick up on visual cues much faster than written clues. In fact, they have found that men who are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles conceal most information aside from the profile photo before a user clicks, resulting in provocative photographs sets a bad first impression. So, while it is totally fine to have hot photos up on your instagram, leading with them in your online dating profile is sending signals that could be attracting the wrong sort of guy. There are also plenty of classy ways to possess interesting pictures that speak to more than just the unconscious brain. Internet Dating pictures can be both intriguing and classy So, although Maddy was trying to locate a relationship, her photos were only sending signals that she's looking for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag guys filling up her inbox. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 4

3. For men, we tend to have the opposite problem. Every guy who has done online dating will testify to the battle of getting a girl to swipe directly on their profile, let alone to get them to engage in a conversation. Guys, this is entirely your fault. I've seen men spend hours talking about the statistics of their favorite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, and even how financial reports will influence the team's chances. But, when it comes to online dating, men have a tendency to slap a few pictures on their profile and then start swiping like orangutans till their fingers develop calluses. Men, stop. Before you start creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you are trying to achieve. Are you trying to date a great deal of people? Or are you trying to find a meaningful relationship? And"both" isn't an answer. As the saying goes... "If you try to appeal to everyone, you will appeal to no one." The techniques I'll outline below work for desired outcome, but the choices you make will vastly affect your"conversion" rate. By way of instance, the first time I mastered everything in this procedure, I started going on a great deal of dates (3--4 per week, weekly ), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I only realized months later that, while it is good to go on a great deal of dates and get practice dating (recall I was off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to make sure I had been dating the perfect folks. Fortunately I realized this before I was the victim of any more"meal plans" STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile images and descriptions First impressions matter. According to a study from Princeton, it is estimated that in any relationship, whether its social or work, we make our mind up about if we like the person in less than one second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile picture. They don't get to hear you talk. They do not get to shake your hand. They don't get to smell you (it's a thing). All you get is 1 picture and there is a 99% chance it's the wrong one.

4. If one is coming online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to check is the profile picture. I started this process in a very unscientific way... One hundred, and I mean 100% of these said that my first image wasn't my best. It was interesting feedback, but I wasn't certain how I could test numerous pictures considering that I could only put one as the default. The answer: testing across apps. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, and the dreaded Tindr. I retained my profile description the exact same on each profile, but I put up a different profile picture on each. I rotated the images across profiles before I could find a big enough sample size and make certain that the platform wasn't effecting results. Four of my real dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture that I thought was my best was always the one with the least matches. Interestingly enough, a picture that I did not read into, pic B, was really a huge turn off for pretty much 100% of women. When I asked them why, without skipping a beat they answered,"it makes you look like a player." I was shocked when I found this out, because the two women in that photo are actually good friends of mineso that I never would have made that connection. Sometimes your photographs can be your greatest blind spot. To completely test out this idea, I really enrolled a couple of friends (both men and women) to the experiment and had them change their profile pictures. They got varied results, but one thing was consistent: the picture they thought was their best, never performed the best. This is a super easy optimization that may seem to be a pain today, but it is going to save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20 percent of work that will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them frequently. Top Tip: If you would like to speed up this process, you can really ask your matches what they think of your pictures. If a conversation with a match was not going well, I decided to get some"user feedback" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photos she believed was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I wasn't getting jobs.) Now, part of the error might be my fault, since I took his advice quite literally. I began to speak my thoughts, dress how I wanted to dress, and act how I wished to act. This turned out to be a very bad idea. With no filter or idea behind my actions, I rubbed over a few people the wrong way.

5. Now that I've matured a bit, I've come to understand that there is a difference between being your total self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are never our total selves except when we're by ourselves. Seth Godin has a great podcast on"signals," which you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we knowingly choose which signals to give to other people. A man wearing a button up shirt, for example, isn't always wealthy, but the button up top is putting out the signal that he's wealthy. Much like a person who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is signaling she does not want to follow society's rules, the guy in the button up shirt is indicating that he is okay with following convention. Signals matter. In college I met a woman at a party who immediately caught my eye. She was wearing a summer dress, flower earrings, and looked very cute. I approached her and we instantly hit off. We spent the whole party dancing and flirting. We made plans to have a lunch date in the college cafeteria after that week. I got to the cafeteria early and decided to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a girl walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed all in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace around her neck. Initially I did not even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we began talking. After some awkward conversation, she explained that her friends were sick of her being single so they'd dressed her up to be"cuter" for the party to attract a guy. I was that man. I did not care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized we had almost nothing in common. The outfit she had used as a sign at the party did not match her personality at all. We finished the date cordially and proceeded on. Signals matter. Choosing your signals is great, but picking false signals not so much. The same goes for your online dating profile description. You do not need to lie, but you also don't want to be your total self. You want to tell them about how you collect vintage records, you do not need to tell them about the way you cry every time a U2 song comes on. You need to tell them about the way you volunteer at the animal shelter, you do not want to let them know about how you ran over your cat. First impressions matter. Crafting a fantastic description is perhaps the most difficult and personal bit of enhancing your online dating profile. There's no right answer, but there are some incorrect answers.

6. The first step to getting a great dating profile description is using a clear structure. I break down a relationship profile description into 3 components: Headline: A short sentence someone can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A bit longer description that provides some color to your interests and personality. Call to Action: A desirable action you want them to take. Internet dating is inherently awkward, so help another person by letting them know something you can talk about. Ladies this is especially true for you. If you do not want guys messaging you"hey" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to start the conversation with. Unfortunately, people tend to surf internet dating programs the way they surf social networking sites: quickly and without much thought. It might be, in fact, that mobile devices have trained us to surf everything in a similar manner. Due to this, I think the headline is perhaps the most crucial piece of your description and you need to try different variations until you find one that is right for you. After a lot of testing I discovered that this one worked best for me: The objective of the headline is to provide a quick snapshot of what's unique about you. Having a headline that's authentic, interesting, and short acts like a stop sign for the individual who is scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their cell phone. If you ask any top-performing marketer,"how do I create content that will be successful?" It is likely that they'll laugh at the question. As any solid content marketer knows, terrific content is all about respecting the medium that you are creating the content for. For example, if I went up to a girl at a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active," she will definitely get up and leave. The reverse is true for online relationship, however. You want your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or one sentence, and make certain it is quintessentially you. After that initial curiosity is peaked, you can start paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This isn't the time to write a novel about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this person, your picture and headline being the first two. The intro paragraph provides a little bit of color and possibly some talking points that you two can talk about in conversation (again, ladies, this is extremely important to include if you would like to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph which worked best for me was: "I love being outdoors as much as you can! Some of my favorite items are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I am a creative at heart but I love learning about businesses and new ideas. I am into photography, layout, and

7. Tim Ferriss. My ideal Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a fantastic book at Promenade cafe." This paragraph outlines a couple of basic hobbies and activities I enjoy and some non-standard things like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The main thing to remember about this section is to avoid the generic activities that could apply to pretty much anybody. I can not tell you how many profiles I've seen that list things like: "I like hanging out with friends, watching films, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I'm positive there are people in the world who don't enjoy watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95 percent or more of the people in your area enjoy both those things too. Rather than trying to fit in, try to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so you can find common ground, but also things which are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Many people like being outside and photography. -- But very few people like learning about businesses or Tim Ferriss. This is optional, although it certainly helps. In marketing, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they have viewed your content. In relationship, you essentially want the individual to message you. This seems like a no brainer, but I have found that a whole lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they eventually become discouraged from making initial contact. I have heard countless stories of women who have paired with a guy who they really like, but the guy never messages them. When I ask them why they do not message first, they say that they don't know what to say or they do not want to appear desperate. The call to action helps alleviate this problem by making it clear that you want them to message you. But, obviously you don't want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have a single section that says: "You should message me if..." ← This is OkCupid's sub-heading but you can just manually add it on other internet dating apps too. My CTA goes as follows: "You should message me if you are an interesting person who likes to play outdoors."

8. Again, as with this advice, when in doubt just test it out. Try having a call to action and see whether your conversations improve. If they don't, simply delete it. The attractiveness of dating programs is that rather than having 1--5 chances to make a relationship, as you would if you went to a pub for instance, you have tens of thousands of chances and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making initial contact and chatting where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" relationship is when it comes to the conversation. Having to chat online as your initial conversation is a massive limitation when you're trying to start a new relationship. For starters, it is a very unnatural method of communicating, since it's been proven that we receive 55 percent of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communicating. It is logical then that when you take millions of people and put them in an unnatural communication environment you get some fairly unnatural conversations. While it might be fun to play around with bizarre conversation openers, if you are serious about finding a good relationship through online dating, then it is a fantastic idea to study your results a little bit. This gave me the chance to start testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I simply wouldn't have been able to determine if I did not have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I will spare you some of the terrible thoughts I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let us examine how well you can judge a fantastic opener from a poor one. A) "Hey! How's it going?" C) "Question: Batman or Superman?" (or some other variation of this sort of question). How did you like X book?" (based on a book they listed in their profile) I'll let you think about it for a second. (I'll add some distance before the answer below. Scroll as soon as you're ready.) Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer

9. Scroll for the response And the answer is... If you guessed D, you chose the best answer! (If you guessed C, you picked the worst answer.) In order of best to worst, the replies are D, B, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to any conversation starter. While I found the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X novel," that clearly depends if they've put a book in their profile. You can alter this to ask about some other part of their profile, like a picture or a place in their pictures. The reason I guess that the book one works best though is because a) it shows you really read their profile and b) it shows that you read. If I can use the book opener to initiate a conversation I typically also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x publication? (This is the way I opened the conversation with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I began with this opener felt much more natural and moved beyond a few messages. The second best choice,"Hey! How was your weekend?" Works almost as well, but it is obviously limited to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be strange if you used this on a Friday). An alternate version I tried on Thursdays or Fridays was,"Hey! Have any fun plans for the weekend?" This worked pretty well, but not nearly too. I suspect it's because it sounds too much like I'm going to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think about something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you've made contact and another person has responded, it is time to have a conversation. Every dialog changes, but there are some guidelines that I will put in here as hints. First, some online dating suggestions for guys: DON'T try to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can't tell you the number of messages my female friends have shown me that sound objectively psychotic. The sad thing is I know that the man is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation just like you want a friend. DO attempt to talk about things she's interested in but also add your own ideas. One of the most common complaints I have heard from female friends is that they feel like they're being interviewed. Be certain that you ask questions, but that you also share things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her appearance or body. Regardless of how well intentioned you are, it will be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you're so beautiful! You have a cute smile! You are..." will only lead to a polite"thank you" and will not create meaningful conversation. Now, a few online dating suggestions for women: DO be nice and help guide the conversation. Even when I have tried to be friendly and nice, I have still received quite curt or standoff-ish answers. No matter how much men pretend that they don't care about the dialogue,

10. they do. And they usually have no clue what they're doing, so offer them some help and guide the dialogue in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking any of your own. If you're tired of conversations feeling like interviews, then be certain that you ask the guy about things he's interested in also. It takes two to tango. DON'T make judgments too soon. In my experience women have a tendency to place a good deal more thought into their text messages than men do. If a man says something that seems weird or odd, give him the benefit of the doubt and don't read too much into it, chances are he didn't either. Now a suggestion for both parties: Attempt to move the dialogue from online to in real life relatively quickly. Online dating is a excellent tool to fulfill someone, but it is just that. It is a tool, it isn't actual dating. My general recommendation for moving from online to in real life is either one long conversation or two short conversations. It should never take more than a week to establish a date. Thus, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have begun talking about having a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the programs, but also get off them quickly. In real life is a lot more fun too if you know how to set up great dates... Step 4 -- Creating a date sequence that will make you smile more and sweat less After I had mastered the online part of dating, I soon realized that procuring the date is just half the battle. The second half of this battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you have even set out from your residence. As they say in real estate: location, location, location. In which you have your date decides about 50--70 percent of the outcome of the date. But a question... Where's the worst place to have a date? As it turns out, it is actually at the most commonly selected dating place: A sit-down restaurant. At first I was taking all my dates to restaurants for dinner. Boring, I know. But remember, I was completely new to relationship so I was just following what I had seen in movies. Many of them didn't go well, but I was not certain why. After a dozen or so awkward (and pricey ) dates, I decided that I should experiment with several other locations. What occurred next was absolutely mind blowing. It wasn't I was doing anything differently or that I was choosing better girls to go on dates with, it was simply a matter of context. Here's why I believe dinner dates do not work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger out a restaurant. You sit down at a table. You start speaking, then the waiter

11. interrupts asking about beverages. You continue to speaking. The waiter interrupts again to your food order. You are not ready to order since you've been talking. The waiter provides you"another minute." You examine the menu making comments about the choices. The waiter comes back ten minutes later. You continue talking. You talk and talk. You then run out of things to talk about. What do you do next? You need to keep talking. A dinner date provides no choices. It's a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost immediately. This problem is exacerbated by the fact that many of us are getting worse at having in-person conversations. Spending so much time online has enhanced our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in- person communication skills. Therefore, if we're getting worse at having in-person discussions, why would you bet your entire love life on the fact that you'll be able to have an amazing in-person conversation with a complete stranger? 3 Rules for Creating Great Dates I never thought that dating could be a life-or-death activity, but one day changed all that. I was holding on to a small ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet above the floor like a giant cat toy. My fingers began to sweat and I knew that I couldn't hold on to the ledge much longer. "O well," I thought,"this will be a great bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I anticipated the sharp shock of the rope on my climbing harness. However, there was no jolt. I started falling for what felt like eternity. As it turns out, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope just as I'd slipped off the ledge. She panicked and didn't catch the rope until I had fallen 15 feet to what I was certain was my upcoming death. Eventually the rope eventually stopped and I felt a massive jolt, both physically and emotionally. "Okay this date may be a little too exciting," I thought. My entire dating career made a 180-degree turn when I started taking my dates on fun activities instead of dinners. I'd take them to play tennis, rock climb, festivals, picnics at the beach, music shows, and everything in between. A number of these activities worked better than others. However, I found out that the most crucial elements to a wonderful date place could be distilled into three categories: Walkability -- Do we have to sit together or can we walk around? When you're walking, your scenery is changing so you can grab new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked man on rollerblades!"

12. Action -- Can we both do the activity reasonably well? I've seen guys get this one fairly wrong. It's fun to teach someone something that you are passionate about, but make certain it's not too hard. Taking a girl rock climbing? Make sure she is not scared of heights first. Scalability -- Can the date increase or shrink in scale as needed? Having a great time? Great! Let's go get dessert! No chemistry? No issue, how do we end the date sooner? With these three criteria, I crafted a three date sequence which nearly doubled the amount of successful dates I went on. I know what you're thinking,"This man took women out to the very same areas like it was some sort of regimented assembly line?" This was my go-to sequence, but, depending on interests, I'd substitute different activities to keep the dates intriguing. This was simply a template that simplified my choices and reduced the cognitive load I was putting in my mind. So here's my ideal dating arrangement: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks every Friday from the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the problems of inviting someone out to dinner is that everybody has different food tastes. Then (if you're a guy) you've got to account for cost of meals. Off the grid accomplishes this because there are over 20 different kinds of (affordable) cuisine. Additionally, it lets you walk around, people watch, and get drinks. Feel like going all out? Queue the awkward white-boy dance moves. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a few go-tos, specifically: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the shore. Why I like it: These actions had in common were the 3 factors: walkability, action, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, grab cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favourite bar, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we could alternate between talking and activity. Why I like it: This date was especially important because if a woman had made it #3, it meant I actually liked her. It also meant we might take the connection to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, plus it was a semi-formal occasion so we can both dress well for that special night. This was also my secret evaluation because if a girl did not like science and facts it likely would not work out between us anyway. Listen to each of the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are merely three examples of how to take online dating offline and make a reasonably successful dating arrangement. Here are a few tips on what to search for on every date as you attempt to make your own dating arrangement: Date #1: Look for a casual environment that is not intimidating. Dark bars or loud places do not make for great conversation. Make certain that you can reliably go to this place, so avoid places with long waits or where you will need to make reservations. Make sure you can schedule the date for a weeknight (try not to book someone's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You have broken the ice and you have both agreed to another date, so have fun with this one! Select an

13. activity you'll both like that is not too tricky. Avoid intimidating actions like karaoke, group sports, or water skiing. Ideally choose an activity which has a cadence in which you alternate between doing something and speaking. Going on a 10 mile run is fantastic for exercise, but it does not allow for conversation. Watching a movie at a movie theater has similar limits. Date #3: You confirmed you enjoy each other, it is time to bring it to another level. Try to make this date a little more special than the first two. It needs to be romantic, it should test how compatible you both really are, and it should confirm whether or not you want to continue seeing each other long term. After the excitement of dates one and two, there can be a lull in date 3, so make sure whatever you choose provides new intimacy to the connection. By way of instance, if I didn't visit the Cal Academy I'd go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Getting your Timing Right Perhaps among the most important pieces of the internet dating mystery that I see guys screw up again and again is time. Assuming the man is the one driving the relationship sequence (which is not necessarily the case) there are some questions you need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? How long should you wait between date 1 and date 2? When should co napisać na tinderze you sleep together? Here I will share my answers to these questions that I've found most helpful. But again, depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort your answers may vary. I will share my experience (as a heterosexual man living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The important thing is to actually consider timing, as opposed to leaving it up to"feeling." Going from Online to Offline It's quite easy to let a great online dialog die out. You message , she messages you, back and forth, back and forth. To be able to make sure that I do not waste all my time with online conversations I found that it was best to ask a woman to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or about 20 minutes of continuous conversation. Again, try not to linger at the safe-space of the digital world too long. It may feel like it's necessary, but it's very easy to waste a lot of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 When I was 25, working as"the new guy" at a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales team. Every day I overheard their sales calls where they would use their jedi mind tricks to close deals with multi-million dollar accounts. One thing that I noticed is that every time they were ending a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week then? O that's no good too. Okay how about the week after that?" Regardless of what the prospect said, the salesperson would insist on at least"penciling" another meeting into the calendar with the option of cancelling if desired. When I took this technique and applied it to dating, it led to some pretty incredible results. This rule is somewhat contrarian, but it has worked really well: Always request the next date on the first date.

14. One of the worst things about dating is that you are putting yourself out there. You are opening yourself up to strangers and in return you are getting plenty of uncertainty. Nobody likes uncertainty. No one likes to check their phone every hour to see if you've texted them or not. Nobody likes to wonder if you like them or not. Surprisingly, most people don't mind if you do not like them, they just want to know. So my suggestion is to stop playing games, both with another person and with yourself. If you do not, have the respect to let them know you do not. (A gentle way to do this is by telling them you aren't ready to date right now. I had a woman tell me and it was the easiest let down I've ever experienced and utilized it later myself also ). I must pause here for one caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get very excited by the person they have just met and they then proceed to text them, call them, and see them day after day after day. Stop Chasing Shadows once I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He explained,"Girls are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the more they run away. The more you run away, the more they pursue you." If you discover someone who you want to be with really badly, do not frighten them away by being obsessive. If they like you too, there is no need to chase them. Yes, you should actively try to set up a date, but there's no reason to go on dates every single night of the week. Allow the relationship to have some breathing room. A fantastic way to judge whether a relationship is going well is if you find yourself missing the other person and vice versa. There's a great deal of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there's even scientific proof for it as well. In a number of studies, anthropologists have discovered that many primates invest more effort into a relationships if the people in that connection have been forced apart. What's interesting is that researchers in the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same is true in humans. By data mining cell phone records and comparing telephone patterns and duration, the researchers at the university found that humans may also invest more effort into relationships if there is a probability of that relationship weakening. I tried applying this research to relationship in a relatively simple way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse in between dates, paradoxically, makes the relationship

15. strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship I found worked fairly well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- factor This arrangement meant that I would spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for sufficient time for the relationship to mature and helped me make sure I didn't suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the beginning of the post, these dating approaches helped me tremendously, but depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process may need to be different than the one above. In fact, because dating is such an emotional activity (similar to job hunting), it's vital to have a system set up that will help you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you're getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on an actual rollercoaster, it would be foolish to simply jump and continue. Making sure you have that lap belt secured and that you've been on a few less intense rides can help you enjoy the ride a good deal more. Perhaps the single most important thing to keep in mind though is to let go of expectations and treat the process like an experiment. As we frequently discuss about the podcast, when you let go of expectations and only make your target just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Similar to the help of world-class investors, you need to diversify your portfolio and decrease your risk of catastrophic failure. A means of doing this is by going on dates that are not just sit-down dinners, so that no matter how your relationship partner behaves, at least you will have a good time doing something interesting. And, to decrease the risk, you need to build both an outreach and relationship sequence so you reduce the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Find a few activities you enjoy doing and then match the dates into those activities. This is also a great way to filter out people that aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long term. Of course, regardless of how well I did all of the above things, I had my share of terrible dates. The woman who used me as a meal program being just one of many. Dating is a rollercoaster that will frighten you, challenge you, and sometimes make you wish you had never gotten on. But remember, when you're feeling down and like giving up on love altogether: "You're not as bad as they say you are, you're also not as good as you think you are." Take each date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you work on yourself, improving your conversations, your dates, and your connection with other people, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. Until then,

16. strap in and enjoy the ride. If you enjoyed this post, I would super appreciate if you hit the green hand clap button below so that more folks can discover it. And, if you have any more questions about dating, listen to our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the display.