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1. THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: Tips, tricks, and manipulations to navigate the pains and pitfalls I looked at her and then looked at the dinner bill. She looked me straight in the eyes and smiled. Again, I looked at her and then looked at the bill. Still, no reply. It definitely wasn't my best moment, but it wasn't hers either. Apparently, as I discovered afterwards, I had fallen into a trap known as"the meal program." The meal plan, if you're unfamiliar with it, is when women go on dates with men merely to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she definitely fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all of the dates I had gone until that point: all 37 dates to be exact. How could women take advantage of me like this? Especially since I was being so vulnerable by putting myself out there to ask them out in the first location. As I matured in my internet relationship, however, I realized that this was actually a response for what men do to women. There are three significant levers in our lives which, if we pull on them properly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships are the difference between depression and elation. I discovered this first hand because in the last 5 years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at the same time. I quit the career I had been building for more than 7 years and I left my 10-year relationship with my girlfriend that I believed I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and dating newcomer. I was depressed. After 9 months of misery and frustration I was about to give up on online dating all together. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene triggered and a little voice in my head said,"you are going to give up? No, no you are not. You're going to kick online dating's ass!" I began to channel my misery into anger, and my anger into determination. I began to approach online dating like one big experiment. I began creating what I called,"The Process." In this blog post I'll take you through the whole process I chose to learn online dating. From optimizing your profile, A/B analyzing your descriptions, beginning meaningful conversations, as well as crafting interesting dates. We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so that you can't only get dates, but maybe discover the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I should preface that based on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process may need to be different than the under. However, the important takeaway here is to pull back the feelings that come from relationship and treat it like an experiment.

2. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I'm going to go meet interesting people and do interesting things," you'll be more likely to enjoy the process. And, if you are diligent, you might end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I have been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 years and we've moved in together. So maybe these strategies aren't all that crazy, but perhaps they are, I will leave it for you to judge. Listen to the Modern Dating Show Podcast for more tips, tricks, and embarrassingly real stories. Notice: You can also hear the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a whole lot of these approaches as we browse the present struggles and embarrassments of his own dating journey (and answer listener questions). STEP 1 -- Decide what you're looking for The absolute most frequent error I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is that they don't define their target clearly. Deep down inside, most of us know whether we are looking for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario I've found is that both women and men that are looking for a meaningful relationship are optimizing their relationship for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with internet dating, she asked me to help her with her OKCupid profile. She is an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' really beautiful, a true 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she'd need my help. Basically, so as to optimize for receiving dates, Maddy had chosen to just include her most provocative photographs. Now I would like to be clear, there is nothing wrong with girls having"promiscuous" photos online. The problem, in the event of dating, is the arrangement of a dating profile and what you contribute with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to intuitively pick up on visual clues much faster than written hints. In fact, they've found that men that are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by without even activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles hide most information other than the profile photo until a user clicks, leading with provocative photographs sets a poor first impression. So, while it's totally fine to have sexy photos up on your instagram, leading with them in your online dating profile is sending signals that could be attracting the wrong sort of guy. There are also lots of classy ways to possess intriguing pictures that speak to more than just the unconscious brain. Online dating pictures can be both intriguing and classy So, although Maddy was trying to locate a relationship, her photographs were sending signals that she is searching for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag guys filling up her inbox. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 4 For men, we tend to have the opposite issue. Every guy who has done online dating will attest to the battle of getting a girl to swipe directly in their profile, let alone to get them to engage in a conversation.

3. Men, this is completely your own fault. I have seen guys spend hours talking about the numbers of their favourite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, as well as how financial reports will effect the team's chances. However, when it comes to online dating, guys tend to slap a few pictures on their profile and then start swiping like orangutans till their palms develop calluses. Men, stop. Before you begin creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you are trying to achieve. Are you trying to date a great deal of people? Or are you trying to find a meaningful relationship? And"both" isn't an answer. "If you try to appeal to everybody, you will interest no one." The techniques I'll outline below work for either desired result, but the choices you make will significantly affect your"conversion" rate. For example, the first time I mastered everything in this process, I started going on a lot of dates (3--4 per week, weekly ), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I just realized months after that, while it's good to go on a lot of dates and get practice dating (recall I was off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to be sure I was dating the right people. Luckily I realized this before I had been the victim of any more"meal programs ." STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile pictures and descriptions First impressions matter. According to a study from Princeton, it's estimated that in any relationship, whether its work or social, we make up our mind about whether we like the person in less than 1 second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile picture. They do not get to hear you speak. They don't get to shake your hand. They don't get to smell you (it is a thing).

4. All you get is one picture and there's a 99% chance it's the wrong one. If a person is coming online dating as an experiment, obviously the first thing to test is the profile picture. I started this process in a very unscientific way... I went to every female friend I knew and asked her what she thought of my photos. One hundred, and I mean 100% of these said that my first picture wasn't my best. It was interesting feedback, but I was not certain how I could test numerous pictures considering that I could only put one as the default. The answer: testing across apps. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, along with the dreaded Tindr. I kept my profile description the same on every profile, but I put up a different profile image on each. I rotated the images across profiles until I could get a big enough sample size and be certain that the platform wasn't effecting results. Four of my real dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture which I thought was my best was always the one with the least matches. Interestingly enough, a film that I did not read into, pic B, was actually a massive turn off for pretty much 100% of women. I was shocked when I found out this, because the two women in that photo are really good friends of mine, so I never would have made this connection. Sometimes your photographs can be your biggest blind spot. To completely test out this idea, I really enrolled a couple of friends (both men and women) into the experiment and had them change out their profile pictures. They got varied results, but one thing was consistent: the picture they thought was their best, never performed the best. This is a super simple optimization that can look to be a pain now, but it is going to save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20 percent of work that will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and

5. rotate them often. Top Tip: If you would like to speed this process up, you can actually ask your matches what they think of your pictures. If a conversation with a match wasn't going well, I decided to get some"user feedback" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photographs she thought was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I wasn't getting jobs.) Descriptions are negotiable In highschool I had a history teacher, Mr. Hernandez, who gave me perhaps the worst piece of advice I've ever received:"just be yourself." Now, a part of this error may be my fault, because I took his advice quite literally. I started to speak my thoughts, dress how I wanted to dress, and act how I wanted to act. This turned out to be a very bad idea. With no filter or thought behind my actions, I rubbed over a few people the wrong way. Now that I have matured a bit, I have come to understand that there is a difference between being your total self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are never our total selves except when we're by ourselves. Seth Godin has a wonderful podcast on"signals," that you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we actively choose which signs to give to other men and women. A man wearing a button up shirt, as an example, is not always wealthy, but the button up top is putting out the signal that he is wealthy. Much like a person who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is indicating she doesn't wish to follow society's rules, the man in the button up shirt is indicating that he's okay with following convention. Signals matter. In college I met a woman at a party who immediately caught my attention. She was wearing a summer dress, flower earrings, and looked really cute. I approached her and we immediately hit off. We spent the entire party flirting and dancing. We made plans to have a lunch date in the college cafeteria after that week. I got to the cafeteria early and chose to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a girl walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace around her neck. At first I did not even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we started talking. I was that man. I didn't really care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized we had practically nothing in common. The outfit she'd used as a sign at the party did not match her personality in any way. We

6. finished the date cordially and moved on. Choosing your signs is great, but choosing false signals not so much. You do not want to lie, but you also don't want to be your complete self. You want to tell them about how you collect vintage records, you do not want to let them know about the way you cry every time a U2 tune comes on. You want to tell them about the way you volunteer at the animal shelter, you do not need to let them know about how you ran over your cat. Crafting a fantastic description is perhaps the most difficult and personal bit of enhancing your online dating profile. There's no ideal answer, but there are some wrong answers. The first step to having a good dating profile description is using a clear structure. I break down a dating profile description into 3 parts: Headline: A short sentence somebody can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A little longer description that provides some colour to your interests and personality. Call to Action: A desirable action you want them to take. Online dating is inherently awkward, so help another person by letting them know something you two can talk about. Ladies this is especially true for you. If you do not want guys messaging you"hello" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to start the conversation with. The Headline Unfortunately, people tend to surf internet dating apps the way they surf social media sites: fast and without much thought. It might be, in actuality, that mobile devices have trained us to surf everything in a similar manner. Because of this, I think the headline is perhaps the most crucial bit of your description and you should try different variations until you find one that works for you. After a lot of testing I found that this one worked best for me: The objective of the headline is to provide a fast snapshot of what's unique about you. Having a headline that's authentic, interesting, and short acts like a stop sign for the individual who is scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their cell phone. If you ask any top-performing marketer,"how do I create content which will be successful?" Chances are they'll laugh at the question. As any good content marketer knows, great content is all about respecting the medium that you're producing the content for. For instance, if I went up to a woman at a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active," she'll definitely get up and leave. The opposite is true for online dating, however. You need your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or one sentence, and make certain it is quintessentially you. After that initial curiosity is peaked, you can begin paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This is not the time to write a novel about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this person, your headline and picture being the first two.

7. The intro paragraph gives a little bit of color and perhaps some talking points that you can discuss in conversation (again, ladies, this is extremely important to add if you would like to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph that worked best for me was: "I love being outside as much as you can! Some of my favorite items are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I am a creative at heart but I really like learning about new and businesses ideas. I am into photography, design, and Tim Ferriss. My ideal Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a good book at Promenade cafe" This paragraph outlines a couple of basic hobbies and activities I like and some non-standard things like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The main thing to remember about this section is to prevent the generic actions that could apply to pretty much anyone. I can not tell you how many profiles I've seen that list things like: "I enjoy hanging out with friends, watching movies, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I'm positive there are people in the world who don't enjoy watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95% or more of the people in your area enjoy those things too. As opposed to trying to fit in, try to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so you can discover common ground, but also things that are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Many people like being outdoors and photography. -- Some people like surfing, climbing, and volleyball. -- But very few people like learning about businesses or Tim Ferriss. The Call To Action This is optional, although it certainly helps. In advertising, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they have viewed your content. In dating, you basically want the individual to message you. This seems like a no brainer, but I've found that a

8. whole lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they finally become discouraged from making initial contact. I have heard countless stories of women who have paired with a guy who they really like, but the guy never messages them. When I ask them why they do not message first, they say that they don't know what to say or they do not want to seem desperate. But, obviously you don't want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have an individual section that states: Again, as with all this advice, when in doubt just test it out. Try having a call to action and see if your conversations improve. When they don't, simply delete it. The attractiveness of dating apps is that rather than having 1--5 chances to make a relationship, as you would if you went to a bar for example, you have thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making initial contact and chatting where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" dating is when it comes to the conversation. Having to talk online as your initial conversation is a massive limitation when you're trying to begin a new relationship. For starters, it is a very unnatural way of communicating, since it's been shown that we receive 55 percent of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communication. It is logical then that when you take millions of people and put them in an unnatural communication environment you get some fairly unnatural conversations. While it may be fun to play around with weird conversation openers, if you're serious about finding a good relationship through online relationship, then it's a fantastic idea to study your results a little bit. This gave me the opportunity to begin testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I simply wouldn't have been able to see if I didn't have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I'll spare you some of the terrible thoughts I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let us test how well you can judge a fantastic opener from a poor one. QUIZ Which of the following conversation starters performs the best? What is it going?" B) "Hey! How was your weekend?" C) "Question: Batman or Superman?" (or some other variation of the sort of question).

9. D) "Hey! How did you like X book?" (according to a book they listed in their profile) I will allow you to think about it for a second. (I'll add some distance before the reply below. Scroll as soon as you're ready.) Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response And the answer is... If you guessed D, you chose the best answer! (If you guessed C, you chose the worst response.) In order of best to worst, the answers are D, B, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to any conversation starter. While I found the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X book," that obviously depends if they have put a book in their profile. You can modify this to ask about some other part of the profile, like a movie or a place in their pictures. The reason why I suspect that the book one works best though jak zacząć pisać z dziewczyną na fb is because a) it shows you really read their profile and b) it indicates that you read. If I may use the book opener to start a conversation I usually also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x book? (This is the way I opened the dialogue with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I began with this opener felt much more natural and moved past a few messages. The second best option,"Hey! How was your weekend?" Works almost as well, but it's obviously limited to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be odd if you used this on a Friday). Have any fun plans for the weekend?" This worked pretty well, but not nearly too. I suspect it's because it seems too much like I am about to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think about something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you've made contact and another person has responded, it's time to have a dialogue. Every dialog changes, but there are a few guidelines that I'll put in here as suggestions. First, some online dating tips for men:

10. DON'T attempt to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can't tell you the number of messages my female friends have shown me that sound objectively psychotic. The sad thing is I know that the man is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation like you want a friend. DO try to talk about things she's interested in but also add your own thoughts. One of the most common complaints I have heard from female friends is that they feel like they're being interviewed. Make sure that you ask questions, but that you also share things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her appearance or body. Regardless of how well intentioned you are, it will be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you are so beautiful! You've got a cute smile! You are..." will only result in a polite"thank you" and will not create meaningful conversation. Now, a couple of online dating suggestions for girls: DO be nice and help direct the conversation. Even when I've tried to be friendly and nice, I've still received quite curt or standoff-ish responses. No matter how much men pretend that they don't care about the dialogue, they do. And they usually have no clue what they're doing, so offer them some help and guide the dialogue in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking some of your own. If you are tired of conversations feeling such as interviews, then be certain that you ask the man about things he is interested in also. It takes two to tango. DON'T make judgments too soon. In my experience women tend to place a lot more thought into their text messages than men do. If a guy says something that seems weird or strange, give him the benefit of the doubt and don't read too much into it, chances are he didn't either. Now a proposal for both parties: Try to move the conversation from online to in real life relatively quickly. Online dating is a excellent tool to fulfill someone, but it is just that. It is a tool, it is not actual dating. My overall recommendation for moving from online to in real life is either one long conversation or two brief conversations. It should never take more than a week to set up a date. Thus, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have begun talking about having a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the programs, but also get off them quickly. In real life is a lot more fun too if you know how to set up great dates... Step 4 -- Making a date sequence that will cause you to smile more and sweat less After I had mastered the online part of dating, I soon realized that securing the date is just half the battle. The second half of the battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you have even set out from your house. In which you have your date determines about 50--70 percent of the outcome of the date. But a question... Where's the worst place to have a date? As it happens, it's actually at the most commonly selected dating place: A sit-down restaurant.

11. At first I was taking all of my dates to restaurants for dinner. But remember, I was totally new to relationship so I was only following what I had seen in movies. Most of them did not go well, but I was not sure why. After a dozen or so embarrassing (and pricey ) dates, I determined that I should experiment with some other locations. What occurred next was totally mind blowing. It wasn't that I was doing anything differently or that I was picking better girls to go on dates with, it was simply a matter of context. Here's why I believe dinner dates don't work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger outside a restaurant. You sit down at a table. You begin talking, then the waiter interrupts asking about drinks. You choose beverages. You continue to speaking. The waiter interrupts again to your food order. You're not ready to order because you've been talking. The waiter provides you"another minute." You examine the menu making comments about the choices. The server comes back ten minutes later. You order food. You continue talking. You then run out of things to discuss. What do you do next? There are no exits, nothing around to comment on, nothing to see or do. You have to keep talking. A dinner date provides no choices. It's a singular task that depends on you connecting with a complete stranger almost immediately. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that most of us are getting worse at getting in-person discussions. Spending so much time online has improved our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in-person communication skills. So, if we are getting worse at having in-person conversations, why would you bet your entire love life on the fact that you'll be able to have an remarkable in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I had been holding on to a small ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet above the ground like a giant cat toy. My fingers began to sweat and I knew that I couldn't hold on to the ledge much longer. "O well," I thought,"this will be a good bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I anticipated the sharp jolt of the rope on my climbing harness. However, there was no jolt. I began falling for what felt like eternity. As it turns out, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope as I had slipped off the ledge. She panicked and did not grab the rope until I had dropped 15 feet to what I was sure was my forthcoming death. Finally the rope eventually stopped and I felt a massive jolt, both physically and emotionally. "Okay this date may be a little too exciting," I thought. My entire dating profession made a 180-degree turn once I began carrying my dates on fun activities rather than dinners. I'd take them to play tennis, rock climb, festivals, picnics at the beach, music shows, and everything in between. Some of these activities worked better than others. However, I found out that the most crucial elements to a great date place could be distilled into three classes:

12. Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you are walking, your landscape is shifting so that you can pick up new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked man on rollerblades!" Activity -- Can we do the action reasonably well? I've seen guys get this one fairly wrong. It's fun to teach someone something that you are passionate about, but be certain it's not too hard. Taking a woman rock climbing? Make sure she isn't afraid of heights first. Scalability -- Would the date increase or shrink in scale as needed? Having a great time? Great! Let's go get dessert! No chemistry? No issue, how do we end the date earlier? Using these three criteria, I crafted a three date sequence which nearly doubled the amount of successful dates I went on. I know what you're thinking,"This guy took women out to the same places like it was some kind of regimented assembly line?" No. This was my go-to sequence, but, based on interests, I'd substitute unique activities to keep the dates intriguing. This was simply a template which simplified my decisions and decreased the cognitive load I was putting on my brain. Happy brain = Happy dates. So here's my perfect dating arrangement: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks every Friday by the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the problems of inviting someone out to dinner is that everybody has different food tastes. Then (if you're a guy) you have to account for cost of food. Off the grid solves this because there are over 20 distinct types of (affordable) cuisine. Additionally, it allows you to walk around, people watch, and get drinks. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a few go-tos, specifically: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the shore. Why I like it: These actions had in common were the 3 factors: walkability, action, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, grab cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favorite bar, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we can alternate between activity and talking. Why I like it: This date was particularly important because if a woman had made it to date #3, it meant I actually liked her. It also meant we might take the connection to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, also it was a semi-formal event so we can both dress nicely for that particular night. This was also my secret evaluation because if a woman didn't like facts and science it likely wouldn't work out between us anyway. As an additional bonus, it was also a 20-min walk from my place, so that helped with the"scalability" of the evening. Listen to each of the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are just three examples of how to take online dating offline and make a reasonably successful dating sequence. Here are a few tips on what to look for on each date as you attempt to make your own dating arrangement: Date #1: Search for a casual environment that isn't intimidating. Dark bars or loud places don't make for good

13. conversation. Make certain that you can reliably go to this area, so avoid places with long waits or where you need to make reservations. Make sure you can schedule the date for a weeknight (try not to book a person's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You've broken the ice and you have both agreed to a second date, so have fun with this one! Choose an activity you will both like that is not too difficult. Avoid intimidating activities like karaoke, group sports, or water skiing. Ideally choose an activity that has a cadence where you alternate between doing something and speaking. Going on a 10 mile run is great for exercise, but it doesn't allow for conversation. Seeing a movie at a movie theater has similar limitations. Date #3: You confirmed you like each other, it's time to bring it to another level. Try to make this date a bit more special than the first two. It should be romantic, it should test how compatible you both really are, and it ought to confirm whether or not you want to keep on seeing each other long term. Following the excitement of dates one and two, there can be a lull in date 3, so make sure whatever you choose gives new intimacy to the relationship. For instance, if I did not visit the Cal Academy I'd go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Obtaining your Timing Right Perhaps among the most important pieces of the internet dating puzzle that I see guys screw up again and again is time. Assuming the man is the one driving the dating sequence (which isn't always the case) there are some questions you will need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? How long should you wait between date 1 and date 2? When should you sleep together? Here I will share my answers to these questions that I've found most useful. But again, depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort your answers may vary. The main thing is to actually consider timing, as opposed to leaving it up to"feeling." Going from Online to Offline It is very easy to let a great online dialog die out. You message her, she messages you, back and forth, back and forth. In order to make sure that I don't waste all my time with internet conversations I found that it was best to ask a girl to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or about 20 minutes of continuous conversation. Again, try not to linger at the safe-space of this virtual world too long. It may feel like it's necessary, but it's quite easy to waste plenty of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 When I was 25, functioning as"the new guy" at a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales staff. One thing I discovered is that each and every time they were finishing a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week then? O that's no great also. Okay how about the week after that?" Regardless of what the prospect said, the salesperson would insist on at least"penciling" another meeting into the calendar with the option of cancelling if needed. When I took this technique and applied it to relationship, it led to some pretty incredible results. This rule is a bit contrarian, but it has worked really well: Always ask for the next date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you're putting yourself out there. You are opening yourself up to

14. strangers and in return you're getting a lot of uncertainty. Nobody likes uncertainty. No one likes to check their phone every hour to determine if you've texted them or not. Nobody likes to wonder if you like them or not. Surprisingly, most individuals do not mind if you do not like them, they only want to know. So my suggestion is to stop playing games, both with another person and with yourself. If you like them, tell them you like them. If you do not, have the respect to let them know you don't. (A gentle means to do this is by telling them that you are not ready to date at this time. I had a woman tell me this and it was the simplest let down I've ever experienced and used it later myself too). I should pause here for one caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not always. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get very excited by the person they've just met and then they proceed to text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day. Stop Chasing Shadows once I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He told me,"Women are like shadows, the more you chase them, the longer they run away. The more you run away, the longer they pursue you." If you discover someone who you would like to be with really poorly, don't frighten them away by being obsessive. If they like you as well, there is no need to chase them. Yes, you should actively attempt to establish a date, but there's no reason to go on dates each and every night of the week. Allow the relationship to get some breathing room. A fantastic way to judge whether a relationship is going well is if you end up missing the other person and vice versa. There is a lot of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there is even scientific evidence for it as well. In a number of studies, anthropologists have found that lots of primates invest more effort into a relationships if the individuals in that relationship have been forced apart. What's interesting is that researchers at the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same holds true in humans. By data mining cell phone records and comparing call patterns and duration, the researchers at the university found that people will also invest more effort into relationships when there is a probability of that relationship weakening. I tried applying this research to relationship in a relatively straightforward way and, to my surprise, it worked nicely. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse between dates, paradoxically, makes the connection strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship I found worked pretty well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0

15. Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- factor This sequence meant that I'd spread out the first 3 dates across a 1 month period. This allowed for enough time for the connection to mature and helped me make sure I did not suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, these relationship strategies helped me tremendously, but depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your procedure might need to be different than the one above. The important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from relationship. In fact, because dating is such an emotional activity (similar to job hunting), it is vital to have a system set up that will help you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you're getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on an actual rollercoaster, it would be foolish to just jump and hold on. Making certain you have that lap belt secured and that you have been on a few less intense rides can help you enjoy the ride a whole lot more. Perhaps the single most important thing to bear in mind though is to let go of expectations and treat the process like an experiment. As we often discuss on the podcast, even when you let go of expectations and only make your target just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Similar to the advice of world wide investors, you want to diversify your portfolio and decrease your chance of catastrophic failure. A way of doing that is by going on dates that aren't just sit-down dinners, so that no matter how your relationship partner behaves, at least you'll have a fantastic time doing something interesting. And, to decrease the risk, you should build both an outreach and dating sequence so that you decrease the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Find a few activities you like doing and then match the dates into those activities. This is also a great way to filter out people who aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long run. Naturally, regardless of how well I did all of the above things, I had my share of terrible dates. The woman who used me as a meal program being just one of several. But bear in mind, when you're feeling down and enjoy giving up on love altogether: "You are never as bad as they say you are, you are also not as good as you think you are." Take each date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you work on yourself, improving your discussions, your dates, and your connection with other people, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. Until then, strap in and enjoy the ride. If you enjoyed this post, I'd super appreciate if you hit the green hand clap button below to ensure that more folks can find it. And, if you have any more questions about relationship, listen to our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the display.