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1. She looked me directly in the eyes and smiled. Still, no reply. It definitely was not my best moment, but it wasn't hers either. Apparently, as I discovered afterwards, I had fallen into a trap known as"the meal program." The meal program, if you're unfamiliar with it, is when girls go on dates with men merely to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she definitely fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all the dates I had gone on until there: all 37 dates to be exact. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like that? Especially since I was being so vulnerable by putting myself out there to ask them out in the first place. As I matured in my internet dating, however, I realized that this was really a response for what men do to women. Online dating sucks, but... There are three major levers in our lives that, if we pull on them properly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships are the difference between depression and elation. I learned this first hand because in the past five years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at the same time. I stopped the career I had been building for more than 7 years and I left my 10-year connection with my girlfriend that I believed I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and dating novice. I was depressed. I was scared. I was scarred. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene triggered and a small voice in my head said,"you are going to give up? No, no you're not. You are going to kick online dating's ass!" I started to channel my misery into anger, and my anger into determination. I started to approach online dating like one big experiment. I started creating what I called,"The Process." In this blog post I'll take you through the whole process I chose to learn online dating. From optimizing your profile, A/B testing your descriptions, beginning meaningful conversations, and even crafting interesting dates. We'll discuss how to streamline the online dating process so you can not just get dates, but possibly discover the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I must preface that depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process may have to be different than the below. But, the important takeaway here is to pull back the feelings that come from dating and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I will go meet interesting people and do interesting things," you will be more likely to enjoy the procedure. And, if you're diligent, you might end up finding that special person.

2. UPDATE: As of 2019 I have been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 decades and we've moved in together. So maybe these strategies are not all that mad, but perhaps they are, I'll leave it for you to judge. Listen to the Modern Dating Show Podcast for more tips, tricks, and embarrassingly real stories. Note: You can also listen to the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I pay a whole lot of these approaches as we browse the present struggles and embarrassments of his own dating journey (and answer listener questions). STEP 1 -- Decide what you're looking for The complete most common error I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is they don't define their goal clearly. Deep down inside, most of us know whether we're looking for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario I've found is that both women and men who are searching for a meaningful relationship are optimizing their dating for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with internet dating, she asked me to assist her with her OKCupid profile. She's an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' quite beautiful, a true 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she'd need my help. In less than 5 seconds I saw the problem. Basically, in order to maximize for receiving dates, Maddy had chosen to just include her most provocative photos. Now I would like to be clear, there is nothing wrong with women having"promiscuous" pictures online. The problem, in the case of dating, is the arrangement of a relationship and what you lead with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to intuitively pick up on visual clues much faster than written hints. In fact, they've found that men that are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by without even activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles hide most information aside from the profile photo before a user clicks, leading with provocative photos sets a poor first impression. So, while it is totally fine to have hot photos up in your instagram, leading together in your online dating profile is sending signals that could be attracting the wrong type of guy. Additionally, there are lots of classy ways to have interesting pictures that speak to more than just the unconscious brain. Internet Dating pictures can be both classy and intriguing So, although Maddy was attempting to find a relationship, her photos were sending signals that she's searching for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag guys filling up her inbox. For men, we tend to have the opposite issue. Every guy who has done online dating will attest to the battle of getting a girl to swipe right in their profile, let alone to make them participate in a conversation. Men, this is completely your fault.

3. I have seen guys spend hours talking about the statistics of their favorite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, as well as how financial reports will effect the team's chances. However, when it comes to online dating, men tend to slap a few pictures on their profile and then start swiping like orangutans until their fingers develop calluses. Guys, stop. Before you start creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you are trying to achieve. Are you trying to date a lot of people? Or are you searching for a meaningful relationship? And"both" isn't an answer. As the saying goes... "If you try to appeal to everyone, you will interest no one." The techniques I will outline below work for desired result, but the choices you make will vastly affect your"conversion" rate. For instance, the first time I mastered everything in this process, I started going on a lot of dates (3--4 per week, every week), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I only realized months after that, while it is good to go on a great deal of dates and get practice relationship (remember I had been off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to be sure I was dating the right folks. Luckily I realized this before I was the victim of any more"meal plans" STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile images and descriptions According to a study from Princeton, it's estimated that in any relationship, whether its work or social, we make up our mind about if we like the person in less than one second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is the first impression you make is based solely on your profile image. They do not get to hear you talk. They don't get to shake your hand. They do not get to smell you (it's a thing). All you get is one picture and there's a 99% chance it is the wrong one. If one is coming online dating as an experiment, obviously the first thing to check is your profile picture. I first started this process in a very unscientific way... I went to every female friend I knew and asked her what she thought of my photos. One hundred, and I mean 100% of them said that my first image was not my best. It was interesting feedback, but I wasn't sure how I could test multiple pictures considering I could only put one as the default. The response: testing across programs.

4. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, along with the dreaded Tindr. I kept my profile description the same on every profile, but I put up a different profile picture on each. I rotated the images across profiles until I could find a big enough sample size and make certain that the platform was not effecting results. Four of my real dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture that I thought was my best was always the one with the least matches. Interestingly enough, a film that I didn't read much into, pic B, was actually a huge turn off for pretty much 100 percent of girls. When I asked them why, without skipping a beat they replied,"it makes you look like a player." I was shocked when I found this out, because the two girls in that photo are really good friends of mineso I never would have made this connection. Sometimes your photographs can be your biggest blind spot. To totally test out this idea, I really enrolled a few friends (both men and women) to the experiment and had them change their profile pictures. This is a super easy optimization that may look like a pain now, but it is going to save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20% of work that will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them often. Top Tip: If you want to speed up this process, you can actually ask your games what they think of your pictures. If a conversation with a game wasn't going well, I decided to at least get some"user comments" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photos she believed was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I was not getting jobs.) Descriptions are negotiable In highschool I had a history teacher, Mr. Hernandez, who gave me the worst piece of advice I've ever received:"just be yourself." Now, a part of this error may be my fault, because I took his advice very literally. I started to speak my mind, dress how I wanted to dress, and act how I wanted to act. This turned out to be a horrible idea. Without any filter or idea behind my actions, I rubbed more than a few people the wrong way. Now that I have matured a bit, I've come to realize that there is a difference between being your overall self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we're never our total selves except when we're by ourselves. Seth Godin has a wonderful podcast on"signals," which you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we

5. knowingly choose which signals to give to other men and women. A guy wearing a button up shirt, for example, is not necessarily wealthy, but the button up top is putting out the sign that he's wealthy. Much like someone who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is indicating she does not want to follow society's rules, the man in the button up shirt is signaling that he is okay with following convention. Signals matter. In college I met a woman at a party who immediately caught my eye. She was wearing a summer dress, flower earrings, and looked really cute. I approached her and we immediately hit off. We spent the entire party dancing and flirting. We made plans to have a lunch date at the college cafeteria after that week. I got to the cafeteria early and chose to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a girl walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed all in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace around her neck. Initially I didn't even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we began talking. I was that man. I did not really care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized we had almost nothing in common. The outfit she had used as a sign at the party didn't match her personality at all. We finished the date cordially and proceeded on. Signals matter. Choosing your signs is great, but picking false signals not so much. The same goes for your online dating profile description. You do not need to lie, but you also don't want to be your complete self. You need to tell them about how you collect classic records, you don't need to let them know about how you cry every time a U2 song comes on. You need to tell them about how you volunteer at the animal shelter, you do not want to tell them about how you ran over your cat. Crafting a good description is perhaps the most difficult and personal piece of improving your online dating profile. There is absolutely no ideal answer, but there are some incorrect answers. The first step to getting a good dating profile description is using a very clear structure. I break down a relationship profile description into 3 components: Headline: A short sentence somebody can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A little longer description that provides some colour to your interests and character. Call to Action: A desired action you want them to take. Internet dating is inherently awkward, so help another

6. person by letting them know something you two can talk about. Ladies this is particularly true for you. If you do not want men messaging you"hey" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to begin the conversation with. Unfortunately, people tend to surf online dating programs the way they surf social media sites: quickly and without much thought. It might be, in fact, that mobile devices have trained us to browse everything in a similar way. Due to this, I think the headline is possibly the most important bit of your description and you should try different variations until you find one that works for you. After a lot of testing I discovered that this one worked best for me: "Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active." The objective of the headline is to provide a fast snapshot of what is unique about you. Having a headline that's authentic, interesting, and brief functions like a stop sign for the person who is scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their cell phone. It is likely that they'll laugh at the question. As any good content marketer knows, great content is about respecting the medium that you're producing the content for. For example, if I went up to a girl in a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active," she'll definitely get up and leave. The opposite is true for online relationship, however. You need your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or one sentence, and make Take a look at the site here sure it is quintessentially you. Once that initial curiosity is peaked, you can start paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This isn't the time to compose a novel about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this individual, your picture and headline being the first two. The intro paragraph gives a small amount of colour and possibly some talking points that you can talk about in chat (again, ladies, this is incredibly important to include if you would like to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph which worked best for me was: "I love being outside as much as possible! Some of my favorite things are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I am a creative at heart but I love learning about new and businesses ideas. I'm into photography, design, and Tim Ferriss. My perfect Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a good book at Promenade cafe." This paragraph outlines a few basic hobbies and activities I like as well as some non-standard items like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The main thing to remember about this section is to avoid the generic actions that could apply to pretty much

7. anybody. "I like hanging out with friends, watching films, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I am sure that there are people in the world who don't like watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95% or more of the people in your area enjoy those things too. As opposed to trying to fit in, try to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so it's possible to discover common ground, but also things which are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Many people like being outside and photography. -- Some people like surfing, climbing, and volleyball. -- But very few people like learning about businesses or Tim Ferriss. This is optional, even though it certainly helps. In marketing, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they have viewed your content. In relationship, you basically need the person to message you. This seems like a no brainer, but I've found that a whole lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they eventually become discouraged from making initial contact. I have heard countless stories of women who have matched with a man who they really like, but the man never messages them. When I ask them why they do not message first, it is said that they don't know what to say or they do not want to appear desperate. The call to action helps alleviate this problem by making it clear that you want them to message you. Butobviously you don't want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have a single section that says: My CTA goes as follows: "You should message me if you're an interesting person who likes to play outdoors." Again, as with this advice, when in doubt just check it out. Try using a call to action and see if your conversations

8. improve. If they don't, simply delete it. The beauty of dating apps is that rather than having 1--5 opportunities to make a connection, as you would if you went to a pub for instance, you have thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making first talking and contact where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" dating is when it has to do with the conversation. Having to talk online as your initial conversation is a huge limitation when you are trying to begin a new relationship. For one thing, it's a very unnatural way of communicating, since it's been proven that we receive 55 percent of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communication. It is logical then that if you take millions of people and set them in an unnatural communication environment you get some fairly unnatural conversations. While it may be fun to play around with weird conversation openers, if you're serious about finding a good relationship through online dating, then it is a good idea to research your results a little bit. As I got better at optimizing my profile, I started matching with a growing number of people. This gave me the chance to start testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I simply wouldn't have been able to determine if I didn't have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I'll spare you some of the terrible thoughts I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's test how well you can judge a fantastic opener from a bad one. QUIZ Which of the following conversation starters performs the best? For bonus points, try to order them from most effective to least effective. A) "Hey! How's it going?" B) "Hey! How was your weekend?" C) "Question: Batman or Superman?" (or some other variation of this type of question). D) "Hey! How did you like X book?" (based on a book they listed in their profile)

9. I'll let you think about it for a second. (I'll add some space before the reply below. Scroll as soon as you're ready.) Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response And the answer is... If you guessed D, then you picked the best answer! (If you guessed C, you chose the worst response.) In order of best to worst, the replies are B, D, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to some conversation starter. While I found the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X book," that obviously depends if they have put a book in their profile. You can modify this to ask about some other part of their profile, like a picture or a place in their pictures. The reason why I guess that the book one works best though is because a) it shows you actually read their profile and b) it indicates that you read. If I may use the book opener to initiate a conversation I typically also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x book? I'm now reading'Losing my Virginity' by Richard Branson and highly recommend it!" (This is how I opened the conversation with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I began with this opener felt a lot more natural and moved past a few messages. The second best choice,"Hey! Works almost as well, but it's obviously confined to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be strange if you used this on a Friday). An alternate version I tried on Thursdays or Fridays was,"Hey! Have any fun plans for the weekend?" This worked pretty well, but not nearly too. I suspect it's because it seems too much like I am about to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think about something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you've made contact and another person has responded, it's time to have a conversation. Every dialog changes, but there are some guidelines that I will put in here as hints. First, some online dating tips for guys: DON'T attempt to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can't tell you how many messages my female

10. friends have shown me that sound objectively psychotic. The sad thing is I know that the guy is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation just like you want a friend. DO try to talk about things she's interested in but also add your own thoughts. One of the most common complaints I have heard from female friends is that they feel like they're being interviewed. Make certain that you ask questions, but that you also share things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her body or appearance. Regardless of how well intentioned you are, it will be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you are so beautiful! You've got a cute smile! You're..." will only result in a polite"thank you" and won't create meaningful conversation. Now, a couple of online dating suggestions for girls: DO be nice and help guide the conversation. Even when I've tried to be nice and friendly, I have still received very curt or standoff-ish answers. No matter how much guys pretend that they don't care about the dialogue, they do. And they usually have no clue what they are doing, so offer them some help and direct the dialogue in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking any of your own. If you are tired of conversations feeling like interviews, then make sure that you ask the man about things he's interested in also. It takes two to tango. DON'T make conclusions too soon. In my experience women tend to place a good deal more thought into their text messages than guys do. If a man says something that seems weird or strange, give him the benefit of the doubt and do not read too much into it, chances are he did not either. Now a suggestion for both parties: Try to move the dialogue from online to in real life relatively fast. Online dating is a excellent tool to meet someone, but it is just that. It is a tool, it isn't actual dating. My general recommendation for moving from online to in real life is either one long conversation or two short conversations. It should never take more than a week to establish a date. So, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have started talking about using a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the apps, but also get off them quickly. In real life is a good deal more fun too if you know how to set up good dates... Step 4 -- Creating a date sequence that will cause you to smile more and sweat less After I had mastered the online part of relationship, I soon realized that securing the date is only half the battle. The second half of the battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you've even set out from your house. As they say in real estate: location, location, location.

11. Where you have your date decides about 50--70% of the results of the date. But first a question... Where's the worst place to have a date? As it happens, it's actually at the most commonly selected dating place: A sit-down restaurant. At first I was taking all my dates to restaurants for dinner. Boring, I know. But remember, I was totally new to dating so I was just following what I had seen in movies. Most of them did not go well, but I was not sure why. After a dozen or so awkward (and expensive) dates, I decided that I need to experiment with some other locations. What occurred next was absolutely mind blowing. Almost like flipping a light switch, my dates improved tremendously. It wasn't that I was doing anything differently or that I was choosing better girls to go on dates with, it was simply a matter of context. Here's why I believe dinner dates don't work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger out a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a table. You begin speaking, then the waiter interrupts asking about beverages. You choose beverages. You continue to speaking. The waiter interrupts again to your food order. You're not ready to order because you have been talking. The waiter gives you"another moment." You look at the menu making remarks about the choices. The waiter comes back ten minutes later. You order food. You continue talking. You talk and talk. Then you run out of things to discuss. What do you do next? There are no exits, nothing around to comment on, nothing to see or do. You need to keep talking. Talk... Talk... Talk! A dinner date provides no options. It's a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost immediately. This problem is exacerbated by the fact that most of us are getting worse at getting in-person conversations. Spending so much time online has enhanced our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in- house communication abilities. Therefore, if we are getting worse at getting in-person discussions, why would you bet your entire love life on the fact that you'll be able to have an remarkable in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I had been holding on to a small ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet above the floor like a giant cat toy. My fingers started to sweat and I knew that I couldn't hold on to the ledge much longer. "O well," I thought,"this is going to be a great bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I expected the sharp shock of the rope in my climbing harness. However, there was no jolt. I began falling for what felt like eternity. As it turns out, my climbing partner had let go of the rope just as I had slipped off the ledge. She panicked and

12. didn't grab the rope until I had fallen 15 feet to what I was certain was my forthcoming death. Eventually the rope eventually stopped and I felt a huge jolt, both emotionally and physically. My entire dating career made a 180-degree turn once I began taking my dates on fun activities instead of dinners. A number of these activities worked better than others. But I found out that the most crucial elements to a great date place could be distilled into three categories: Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you're walking, your landscape is shifting so you can grab new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked guy on rollerblades!" (It is San Francisco after all). Activity -- Can we both do the activity reasonably well? I've seen guys get this one fairly wrong. It's fun to teach someone something that you are passionate about, but be certain it is not too hard. Taking a girl rock climbing? Make sure she is not afraid of heights first. Scalability -- Can the date grow or shrink in scale as needed? Having a great time? Great! No chemistry? No problem, how do we end the date earlier? Using these three criteria, I crafted a 3 date sequence that nearly doubled the amount of successful dates I went on. Now I know what you're thinking,"This man took women out to the same places like it was some sort of regimented assembly line?" This was my go-to order, but, based on interests, I would substitute different activities to keep the dates intriguing. This was simply a template that simplified my decisions and reduced the cognitive load I was putting in my brain. Happy brain = Happy dates. So here's my ideal dating sequence: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks each Friday from the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the problems of inviting someone out to dinner is that everybody has different food tastes. Then (if you're a man ) you've got to account for cost of food. Off the grid accomplishes this since there are over 20 distinct types of (affordable) cuisine. It also allows you to walk around, people watch, and get drinks. Feel like going all out? Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a couple of go-tos, namely: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the beach. Why I like it: What these actions had in common were the 3 variables: walkability, activity, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, catch cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favourite pub, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we could alternate between activity and talking. If we did a picnic on the shore, we can go for romantic walks or huddle around a fire pit on Ocean Beach. Date #3 -- Cal Academy Adult Night: An adult-only night at the Cal Academy of Sciences where you can grab drinks and look at exhibits. Why I like it: This date was especially important because if a girl had made it #3, it meant I actually liked her. It also

13. meant we might take the connection to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, also it was a semi-formal occasion so we can both dress nicely for that particular night. This was also my secret evaluation because if a woman did not like science and facts it probably wouldn't work out between us anyway. Listen to each of the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are just three examples of how to take online dating offline and make a reasonably successful dating sequence. Here are a few ideas on what to look for on each date as you attempt to make your own dating sequence: Date #1: Look for a casual environment that isn't intimidating. Dark bars or loud places do not make for great conversation. Make certain that you can reliably go to this area, so avoid places with long waits or where you need to make reservations. Ensure you are able to schedule the date for a weeknight (try not to book a person's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You've broken the ice and you've both agreed to a second date, so have fun with this one! Choose an activity you'll both like that isn't too tricky. Ideally choose an activity which has a cadence in which you alternate between doing something and talking. Going on a 10 mile run is fantastic for exercise, but it doesn't allow for conversation. Seeing a movie at a movie theater has similar limitations. Date #3: You confirmed you like each other, it's time to bring it to another level. Try to make this date a little more special than the first two. It needs to be romantic, it should test how compatible you both really are, and it ought to confirm whether you want to keep on seeing each other long term. Following the excitement of dates one and two, there may be a lull in date 3, so be sure whatever you choose provides new intimacy to the relationship. By way of instance, if I did not go to the Cal Academy I'd go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Getting your Timing Right Perhaps among the most crucial pieces of the online dating puzzle that I see guys screw up again and again is timing. Assuming the guy is the one forcing the relationship sequence (which isn't always the case) there are a few questions you will need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? How long should you wait between date 1 and date 2? Here I will share my answers to these questions that I've found most helpful. But again, depending upon your context, your culture, and your own comfort your answers may vary. I'll share my experience (as a heterosexual male living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The important thing is to actually consider timing, as opposed to leaving it up to"feeling" Going from Online to Offline It's quite easy to let a great online dialog die out. You message , she messages you, back and forth, forth and back. In order to make sure that I don't waste all my time with online conversations I found it was best to ask a girl to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or roughly 20 minutes of constant conversation. Again, try not to linger at the safe-space of this digital world too long. It might feel like it's necessary, but it is quite easy to waste plenty of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 When I was 25, functioning as"the new man" at a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales staff.

14. One thing I noticed is that every time they were finishing a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week then? O that's no great too. Okay how about the week after that?" Regardless of what the prospect said, the salesperson would always insist on at least"penciling" the next meeting to the calendar with the choice of cancelling if needed. Once I took this technique and applied it to dating, it led to a pretty incredible results. This rule is a bit contrarian, but it has worked really well: Always request the second date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you're putting yourself out there. You are opening yourself up to strangers and in return you are getting plenty of uncertainty. Nobody likes uncertainty. No one likes to look at their phone every hour to determine if you've texted them or not. No one likes to wonder whether you like them or not. Surprisingly, most people don't mind if you do not like them, they only want to know. So my suggestion is to quit playing games, both with the other person and on your own. If you don't, have the respect to let them know you don't. (A gentle means to do this is by telling them that you aren't prepared to date right now. I had a girl tell me and it was the easiest let down I've ever experienced and used it later myself too). I should pause here for a single caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get very excited by the person they have just met and they then proceed to constantly text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day. He explained,"Women are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the more they run away. The more you run away, the longer they chase you." If you discover someone who you want to be with really badly, do not scare them away by being obsessive. If they like you too, there is no need to chase them. Yes, you should consciously try to establish a date, but there's no reason to go on dates every single night of the week. Allow the relationship to get some breathing room. A fantastic way to judge if a relationship is going well is if you find yourself missing the other person and vice versa. There's a lot of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there is even scientific evidence for it also. In a number of studies, anthropologists have found that many primates invest more effort into a relationships if the people in that connection have been forced apart. What's interesting is that researchers in the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same is true in humans. By data mining mobile phone records and comparing call patterns and length, the researchers at the university found that humans will also invest more effort into relationships when there is a probability of that relationship weakening. I tried applying this research to dating in a relatively simple way and, to my surprise, it worked nicely. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse in between dates, paradoxically, makes the relationship strengthen rather than weaken.

15. My cadence for relationship I found worked pretty well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- variable This arrangement meant that I'd spread out the first 3 dates across a 1 month period. This allowed for sufficient time for the relationship to mature and helped me make sure I did not suffocate my dates, which was especially helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, these relationship approaches helped me tremendously, but depending upon your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your procedure might have to be different than the one above. In fact, because relationship is such an emotional activity (similar to job hunting), it's imperative to have a system set up to help you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you are getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on an actual rollercoaster, it would be foolish to just hop on and continue. Making sure you have that lap belt secured and that you've been on a few less intense rides will help you enjoy the ride a whole lot more. Perhaps the single most important thing to bear in mind though is to let go of expectations and treat the process like an experiment. As we often discuss on the podcast, when you let go of expectations and only make your goal just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Like the advice of world-class investors, you want to diversify your portfolio and minimize your risk of catastrophic failure. A way of doing this is by going on dates which aren't only sit-down dinners, so that no matter how your relationship partner behaves, at least you will have a fantastic time doing something interesting. And, to minimize the risk, you should build both an outreach and relationship sequence so that you reduce the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Locate a few activities you enjoy doing and then match the dates into those activities. This is also a wonderful way to filter out people that aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long run. Of course, irrespective of how well I did all of the above items, I had my share of terrible dates. The woman who used me as a meal program being just one of many. But remember, when you're feeling down and like giving up on love altogether:

16. "You're never as bad as they say you are, you're also not as good as you think you are." Take each date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you constantly work on your own, improving your conversations, your dates, and your relationship with other people, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. If you enjoyed this post, I would super appreciate if you hit the green hand clap button below to ensure that more people can find it. And, if you've any more questions about relationship, listen to our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the show.