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1. She looked me straight in the eyes and smiled. Still, no response. It definitely was not my best moment, but it was not hers either. Apparently, as I discovered afterwards, I had fallen into a trap known as"the meal plan." The meal plan, if you're unfamiliar with it, is when girls go on dates with men merely to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she definitely fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all the dates I had gone until that point: all 37 dates to be exact. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like that? As I matured in my internet dating, however, I understood that this was actually a response for what men do to women. There are 3 significant levers in our lives that, if we pull on them correctly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships are the difference between depression and elation. I learned this first hand because in the past five years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at once. I stopped the career I had been building for more than 7 years and I left my 10-year relationship with my girlfriend that I thought I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and dating newcomer. I was scared. I was scarred. One dayI was sitting in the shower feeling sorry for myself for over an hour. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene triggered and a little voice in my head said,"you are going to give up? No, no you're not. You are going to kick on online dating's ass!" I began to channel my misery into anger, and my anger into determination. I began to approach online dating just like one big experiment. I started creating what I called,"The Process." In this blog post I'll take you through the entire process I took to learn online dating. From optimizing your profile, A/B analyzing your descriptions, beginning meaningful conversations, as well as crafting interesting dates. We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so that you can't just get dates, but possibly discover the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I should preface that based on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process may need to be different than the below. But, the important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from relationship and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I will go meet interesting people and do interesting things," you'll be much more likely to enjoy the process. And, if you are diligent, you might end up finding that special person.

2. UPDATE: As of 2019 I have been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 years and we have moved in together. So maybe these strategies aren't all that mad, but perhaps they are, I will leave it for you to judge. Notice: You can also hear the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a whole lot of these strategies as we navigate the current struggles and embarrassments of his own relationship trip (and answer listener questions). STEP 1 -- Decide what you're looking for The absolute most common error I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is that they don't define their target clearly. Deep down inside, most of us know whether we are looking for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario I've found is that both men and women who are looking for a meaningful relationship are optimizing their relationship for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with internet dating, she asked me to assist her with her OKCupid profile. She's a remarkably smart and capable woman and she's' really beautiful, a true 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she would need my help. The photos I saw in her profile looked like they belonged more on thechive.com rather than on any dating site. Basically, in order to optimize for receiving dates, Maddy had chosen to just include her most provocative photos. Now I would like to be clear, there is nothing wrong with women having"promiscuous" pictures online. The problem, in the case of dating, is the format of a dating profile and what you lead with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to intuitively pick up on visual clues much faster than written clues. In fact, they have found that men that are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by without even activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles conceal most information aside from the profile photo before a user clicks, leading with provocative photos sets a bad first impression. So, while it is totally fine to have sexy photos up on your instagram, leading with them on your online dating profile is sending signals that could be attracting the wrong type of guy. Additionally, there are lots of classy ways to possess interesting pictures that speak to more than just the subconscious mind. Internet Dating pictures can be both classy and intriguing So, although Maddy was trying to find a relationship, her photographs were sending signals that she's looking for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag guys filling up her inbox. For men, we tend to have the opposite issue. Every man who has done online dating will testify to the battle of getting a woman to swipe directly in their profile, let alone to get them to participate in a conversation. Men, this is entirely your fault. I have seen guys spend hours talking about the numbers of their favourite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, as well as how financial reports will effect the team's chances.

3. However, when it comes to online dating, guys have a tendency to slap a few pictures in their profile and then begin swiping like orangutans till their fingers develop calluses. Guys, stop. Before you start creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you are trying to attain. Are you trying to date a lot of people? Or are you searching for a meaningful relationship? And"both" is not an answer. "If you try to appeal to everybody, you will appeal to no one." The techniques I'll outline below work for desired result, but the choices you make will vastly affect your"conversion" rate. By way of example, the first time I mastered everything in this procedure, I started going on a great deal of dates (3--4 per week, weekly ), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I just realized months after that, while it is great to go on a great deal of dates and get practice relationship (remember I had been off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to be sure I was dating the right people. Luckily I realized this before I had been the victim of some more"meal programs ." STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile pictures and descriptions First impressions matter. According to a study from Princeton, it is projected that in any relationship, whether its work or social, we make our mind up about if we like the person in less than one second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile picture. They do not get to hear you speak. They do not get to shake your hand. They don't get to smell you (it is a thing). All you get is 1 picture and there's a 99% chance it's the wrong one. If one is approaching online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to check is the profile picture. I started this process in a very unscientific way... One hundred, and I mean 100% of these said that my first image was not my best. It was interesting feedback, but I wasn't certain how I could test multiple pictures considering that I could only put one as the default option. The answer: testing across programs.

4. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, and the dreaded Tindr. I kept my profile description the exact same on each profile, but I put up a different profile picture on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles until I could find a big enough sample size and make sure that the platform was not effecting results. Four of my real dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture which I thought was my best was always the one with the least matches. Interestingly enough, a picture that I didn't read much into, pic B, was really a massive turn off for pretty much 100% of girls. When I asked them why, without skipping a beat they answered,"it makes you look like a player." I was shocked when I found this out, because the two girls in that photo are really good friends of mineso I never would have made this connection. Sometimes your photos can be your biggest blind spot. To completely test out this idea, I really enrolled a few friends (both men and women) into the experiment and had them change out their profile pictures. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 2 This is a super easy optimization that may seem like a pain today, but it will save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20% of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them frequently. Top Tip: If you want to speed up this process, you can actually ask your matches exactly what they think of your pictures. If a conversation with a match was not going well, I decided to get some"user comments" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photos she believed was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I was not getting jobs.) Descriptions are negotiable In highschool I had a history teacher, Mr. Hernandez, who gave me perhaps the worst piece of advice I've ever received:"just be yourself" Now, a part of this error may be my fault, because I took his advice very literally. I began to speak my thoughts, dress how I wanted to dress, and act how I wanted to act. This turned out to be a very bad idea. With no filter or thought behind my actions, I rubbed over a few people the wrong way. Now that I've matured a bit, I've come to understand that there's a difference between being your overall self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we're never our total selves except when we are by ourselves.

5. Seth Godin has a wonderful podcast on"signals," that you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we actively choose which signs to give to other people. A man wearing a button up shirt, as an example, isn't always wealthy, but the button up shirt is putting out the sign that he is wealthy. Much like someone who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is signaling she does not want to follow society's rules, the man in the button up shirt is indicating that he's okay with following convention. Signals matter. In college I met a woman at a party who immediately caught my eye. I approached her and we immediately hit off. We spent the whole party flirting and dancing. We made plans to have a lunch date at the college cafeteria later that week. I got to the cafeteria early and chose to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a girl walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed all in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace around her neck. At first I didn't even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we began talking. I was that guy. I did not care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized we had practically nothing in common. The outfit she'd used as a sign at the party did not match her personality at all. We ended the date cordially and proceeded on. Signals matter. Choosing your signals is good, but picking false signals not so much. You don't want to lie, but you also don't want to be your complete self. You want to tell them about how you collect classic records, you do not want to let them know about the way you cry every time a U2 song comes on. You want to tell them about how you volunteer at the animal shelter, you don't need to let them know about how you ran over your cat. Crafting a good description is perhaps the most difficult and personal piece of improving your online dating profile. There is absolutely no right answer, but there are definitely some wrong answers. The first step to having a great dating profile description is using a very clear structure. I break down a dating profile description into 3 parts: Headline: A brief sentence somebody can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A little longer description that provides some color to your interests and character. Call to Action: A desirable action you want them to take. Online dating is inherently awkward, so help the other person by letting them know something you two can talk about. Ladies this is especially true for you. If you do not want men messaging you"hey" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to start the conversation with.

6. Unfortunately, people tend to surf online dating apps the way they surf social networking sites: fast and without much thought. It could be, in fact, that mobile devices have trained us to browse everything in a similar manner. Because of this, I think the headline is possibly the most crucial piece of your description and you should try different variations until you find one that works for you. After a lot of testing I found that this one worked best for me: "Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active." The goal of the headline is to provide a fast snapshot of what's unique about you. Having a headline that's authentic, interesting, and brief functions like a stop sign for the individual who is scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their cell phone. Chances are they'll laugh at the question. As any good content marketer knows, great content is about respecting the medium that you are creating the content for. For example, if I went into a girl in a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, energetic," she will definitely get up and leave. The opposite is true for online dating, however. You want your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or a single sentence, and be certain that it is quintessentially you. Once that initial curiosity is peaked, you should start paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This isn't the time to write a novel about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this individual, your headline and picture being the first two. The intro paragraph gives a small amount of color and perhaps some talking points that you can talk about in conversation (again, ladies, this is incredibly important to include if you want to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph that worked best for me was: "I love being outdoors as much as you can! Some of my favourite items are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I am a creative at heart but I really like learning about businesses and new ideas. I'm into photography, layout, and Tim Ferriss. My perfect Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a fantastic book at Promenade cafe."

7. This paragraph outlines a few basic hobbies and activities I like as well as some non-standard items like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The most important thing to remember about this section is to avoid the generic actions that could apply to pretty much anyone. "I like hanging out with friends, watching films, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I'm sure that there are people in the world who don't enjoy watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95 percent or more of the people in your area enjoy those things too. As opposed to trying to fit in, attempt to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so it's possible to discover common ground, but also things which are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Many people like being outdoors and photography. -- But very few people like learning about businesses or Tim Ferriss. The Call To Action This is optional, although it certainly helps. In advertising, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they have viewed your content. In relationship, you essentially want the person to message you. This sounds like a no brainer, but I have found that a lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they eventually become discouraged from making first contact. I have heard countless stories of girls who have matched with a guy who they really like, but the man never messages them. When I ask them why they don't message first, it is said that they don't know what to say or they don't want to seem desperate. Butobviously you do not want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have an individual section that says: "You should message me if..." ← This is OkCupid's sub-heading but you can just manually add it on other internet dating apps too. Again, as with this advice, when in doubt just check it out. Try using a call to action and see if your conversations

8. improve. If they don't, simply delete it. The attractiveness of dating programs is that instead of having 1--5 opportunities to make a connection, as you would if you went to a bar for instance, you have thousands of chances and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making first contact and chatting The place where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" dating is when it has to do with the conversation. Having to talk online as your initial conversation is a massive limitation when you are trying to begin a new relationship. For one thing, it is a really unnatural way of communicating, since it's been proven that we receive 55% of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communicating. It makes sense then that when you take millions of people and put them in an unnatural communication environment you get some fairly unnatural conversations. While it may be fun to play around with bizarre conversation openers, if you are serious about finding a good relationship through online dating, then it's a fantastic idea to research your results a little bit. As I got better at optimizing my profile, I started matching with more and more people. This gave me the chance to start testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I simply would not have been able to determine if I did not have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I'll spare you some of the terrible ideas I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let us test how well you can judge a fantastic opener from a bad one. How's it going?" C) "Question: Batman or Superman?" (or any other variation of this type of question). D) "Hey! (according to a book they listed in their profile) I'll allow you to think about it for a second. (I will add some space before the reply below. Scroll once you're ready.) Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer

9. Scroll for the response And the answer is... If you guessed D, then you picked the best answer! (If you guessed C, you picked the worst answer.) In order of best to worst, the replies are D, B, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to any conversation starter. While I found that the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X book," that clearly depends if they've put a book in their profile. You can modify this to ask about some other part of their profile, such as a picture or a location in their own pictures. The reason why I guess that the book one works best though is because a) it shows you actually read their profile and b) it shows that you read. If I may use the book opener to start a conversation I usually also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x publication? I'm now reading'Losing my Virginity' by Richard Branson and highly recommend it!" (This is how I opened the conversation with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I started with this opener felt much more natural and moved beyond a few messages. The second best choice,"Hey! Works nearly as well, but it is obviously limited to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be odd if you used this on a Friday). This worked pretty well, but not nearly as well. I suspect it's because it seems too much like I am going to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think of something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you've made contact and another person has responded, it is time to have a conversation. Every conversation varies, but there are a few guidelines that I will put in here as hints. First, some online dating tips for men: DON'T attempt to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can not tell you the number of messages my female friends have shown me that noise objectively psychotic. The sad thing is that I know that the guy is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation just like you want a friend. DO try to talk about things she is interested in but also add your own thoughts. Among the most common complaints I've heard from female friends is that they feel like they're being interviewed. Make sure that you ask questions, but that you also share things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her appearance or body. Irrespective of how well intentioned you are, it will be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you're so beautiful! You've got a cute smile! You're..." will only result in a polite"thank you" and will not create meaningful conversation. Now, a few online dating suggestions for women: DO be nice and help guide the conversation. Even when I have tried to be friendly and nice, I have still received quite curt or standoff-ish answers. No matter how much men pretend that they don't care about the conversation, they do. And they normally don't have any clue what they're doing, so offer them some help and guide the

10. dialogue in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking some of your own. If you're tired of discussions feeling such as interviews, then be certain to ask the guy about things he's interested in as well. It takes two to tango. DON'T make judgments too soon. In my experience women tend to place a lot more thought in their text messages than guys do. If a man says something that seems weird or strange, give him the benefit of the doubt and do not read too much into it, chances are he did not either. Now a suggestion for both parties: Try to move the dialogue from online to in real life relatively quickly. Online dating is a excellent tool to fulfill someone, but it is just that. It's a tool, it is not actual dating. My overall recommendation for moving from online to in real life is one long conversation or two brief conversations. It should never take more than a week to set up a date. Thus, if you match with each other on a Monday, you should definitely have started talking about using a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the apps, but also get off them quickly. In real life is a lot more fun too if you know how to set up great dates... Step 4 -- Making a date sequence that will cause you to smile more and sweat less Once I had mastered the online part of dating, I soon realized that procuring the date is only half the battle. The second half of this battle, how well the date goes, is largely determined before you've even set out from your house. Where you have your date decides about 50--70 percent of the results of the date. But first a question... Where's the worst place to have a date? As it turns out, it's actually at the most frequently selected dating location: A sit-down restaurant. At first I was taking all my dates to restaurants for dinner. But remember, I was completely new to relationship so I was only following what I'd seen in movies. Most of them did not go well, but I was not sure why. After a dozen or so awkward (and expensive) dates, I decided that I should experiment with several other locations. What occurred next was totally mind blowing.

11. It wasn't I was doing anything differently or that I had been picking better girls to go on dates with, it was simply a matter of context. Here's why I believe dinner dates do not work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger outside a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a table. You start speaking, then the waiter interrupts asking about drinks. You continue to speaking. The waiter interrupts again for your food order. You are not ready to order since you've been talking. The waiter gives you"another moment." You examine the menu making comments about the choices. The server comes back ten minutes later. You order food. You talk and talk. Then you run out of things to discuss. What do you do next? There are no exits, nothing around to comment on, nothing to see or do. You need to keep talking. A dinner date provides no choices. It's a singular task that depends on you connecting with a complete stranger almost instantly. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that many of us are getting worse at getting in-person conversations. Spending so much time online has improved our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in- house communication abilities. So, if we're getting worse at getting in-person conversations, why would you bet your whole love life on the fact that you'll be able to have an amazing in-person conversation with a complete stranger? 3 Rules for Creating Great Dates I never thought that dating could be a life-or-death activity, but one day changed all that. I was holding on to a little ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of jak zaproponować dziewczynie spotkanie my body dangled 30-feet above the floor like a giant cat toy. My fingers began to sweat and I knew that I couldn't hold on to the ledge much longer. "O well," I thought,"this is going to be a good bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I anticipated the sharp jolt of the rope in my climbing harness. However, there was no jolt. I began falling for what felt like eternity. As it happens, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope as I'd slipped off the ledge. She panicked and didn't grab the rope until I had fallen 15 feet to what I was certain was my upcoming death. Finally the rope eventually stopped and I felt a huge jolt, both emotionally and physically. My entire dating career made a 180-degree turn once I started carrying my dates on fun activities instead of dinners. A number of these activities worked better than others. But I found out that the most essential elements to a wonderful date spot could be distilled into three classes: Walkability -- Do we have to sit together or can we walk around? When you are walking, your scenery is changing so that you can grab new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked man on rollerblades!" Activity -- Can we do the activity reasonably well? I've seen men get this one pretty wrong. It's fun to teach someone something that you're passionate about, but be sure it is not too hard. Taking a girl rock climbing? Make sure she is not afraid of heights first.

12. Scalability -- Can the date increase or shrink in scale as needed? Having a terrific time? Great! Let's go get dessert! No chemistry? No problem, how can we end the date sooner? Using these three criteria, I crafted a three date sequence that nearly doubled the number of successful dates I went on. Now I know what you're thinking,"This guy took women out to the same areas like it was some kind of regimented assembly line?" This was my go-to order, but, based on interests, I would substitute unique activities to keep the dates interesting. This was merely a template that simplified my choices and decreased the cognitive load I was putting in my mind. Happy brain = Happy dates. So here's my perfect dating sequence: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks each Friday by the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the problems of inviting someone out to dinner is that everybody has different food tastes. Then (if you are a guy) you have to account for cost of meals. Off the grid accomplishes this since there are over 20 different kinds of (affordable) cuisine. Additionally, it allows you to walk around, people watch, and get drinks. Feel like going all out? Queue the awkward white-boy dance moves. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could vary based on interests but I had a couple of go-tos, specifically: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the beach. Why I like it: These actions had in common were the 3 factors: walkability, action, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, grab cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favourite bar, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we can alternate between talking and activity. Why I like it: This date was particularly important because if a girl had made it to date #3, it meant I actually liked her. Additionally, it meant we might take the relationship to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, plus it was a semi-formal occasion so we could both dress well for that particular night. This was also my secret evaluation because if a woman didn't like science and facts it probably would not work out between us anyway. Listen to all the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are merely three examples of how to take online dating offline and make a reasonably successful dating arrangement. Here are a few tips on what to search for on each date as you try to make your own dating sequence: Date #1: Search for a casual environment that is not intimidating. Dark bars or loud places don't make for good conversation. Be sure that you can reliably go to this place, so avoid places with long waits or where you need to make reservations. Ensure you are able to schedule the date for a weeknight (try to not book a person's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You've broken the ice and you have both agreed to a second date, so have fun with this one! Choose an activity you'll both like that isn't too difficult. Avoid intimidating actions like karaoke, group sports, or water skiing. Ideally choose an activity that has a cadence in which you alternate between doing something and speaking. Going on a 10 mile run is fantastic for exercise, but it doesn't allow for conversation. Seeing a movie at a movie theater has similar limitations.

13. Date #3: You both confirmed you like each other, it's time to bring it to the next level. Try to make this date a little more special than the first two. It should be romantic, it should test how compatible you really are, and it ought to confirm whether or not you want to continue seeing each other long term. After the excitement of dates one and two, there may be a lull in date 3, so be sure whatever you choose gives new intimacy to the connection. By way of example, if I didn't go to the Cal Academy I'd go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Obtaining your Timing Right maybe one of the most crucial pieces of the online dating puzzle that I see guys screw up again and again is timing. Assuming the man is the one forcing the dating sequence (which isn't necessarily the case) there are a few questions you need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? How long should you wait between date 1 and date 2? When should you sleep together? Here I'll share my answers to these questions that I've found most helpful. But again, depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort your answers may vary. I will share my experience (as a heterosexual man living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The main thing is to actually consider timing, as opposed to leaving it up to"feeling" Going from Online to Offline It is very easy to let a great online dialog die out. You message , she messages you, back and forth, back and forth. To be able to make sure that I do not waste all my time with internet conversations I found that it was best to ask a woman to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or roughly 20 minutes of continuous conversation. Again, try not to linger in the safe-space of this virtual world too long. It may feel like it's necessary, but it's very easy to waste plenty of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 once I was 25, working as"the new guy" at a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales staff. Every day I overheard their sales calls where they would utilize their jedi mind tricks to close deals with multi-million dollar balances. One thing that I noticed is that each and every time they were finishing a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week after that? O that's no good also. Okay how about the week after that?" No matter what the prospect said, the salesperson would insist on at least"penciling" the next meeting into the calendar with the choice of cancelling if desired. Once I took this technique and applied it to relationship, it led to a pretty incredible results. This rule is a bit contrarian, but it has worked really well: Always request the next date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you are putting yourself out there. You are opening yourself up to strangers and in return you're getting a lot of uncertainty. Nobody likes uncertainty. No one likes to check their phone every hour to see if you've texted them or not. No one likes to wonder whether you like them or not. Surprisingly, most individuals do not mind if you do not like them, they only want to know.

14. So my suggestion would be to stop playing games, both with another person and on your own. If you like them, tell them you like them. If you don't, have the respect to let them know you don't. (A gentle way to do this is by telling them that you aren't ready to date right now. I had a girl tell me and it was the simplest let down I have ever experienced and used it later myself too). I must pause here for a single caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not always. Nobody likes to be smothered or chased constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get very excited by the person they've just met and then they proceed to text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day. Stop Chasing Shadows When I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He told me,"Women are like shadows, the more you chase them, the more they run away. The more you run away, the longer they chase you." If you find someone who you want to be with really poorly, don't scare them away by being obsessive. If they like you too, there is no need to chase them. Yes, you should actively try to set up a date, but there is no reason to go on dates every single night of the week. Permit the relationship to get some breathing room. A fantastic way to judge whether a relationship is going well is if you find yourself missing the other person and vice versa. There is a great deal of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there is even scientific evidence for it as well. In several studies, anthropologists have discovered that many primates invest more effort into a relationships if the individuals in that relationship have been forced apart. What is interesting is that researchers at the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same is true in humans. By data mining cell phone records and comparing call patterns and length, the researchers at the university found that humans will also invest more effort into relationships when there is a risk of that relationship weakening. I tried applying this research to relationship in a relatively straightforward way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse between dates, paradoxically, makes the relationship strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship I found worked fairly well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- variable

15. This sequence meant that I'd spread out the first 3 dates across a 1 month period. This allowed for sufficient time for the connection to grow and helped me make sure I did not suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the start of the post, these dating strategies helped me tremendously, but based on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process may have to be different than the one above. The important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from dating. In fact, because dating is such an emotional activity (similar to job hunting), it's imperative to have a system in place that will help you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you are getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on a real rollercoaster, it would be foolish to simply hop on and continue. Making sure you have that lap belt secured and that you've been on a few less extreme rides will allow you to enjoy the ride a whole lot more. As we frequently discuss on the podcast, even when you let go of expectations and just make your goal just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Like the advice of world-class investors, you want to diversify your portfolio and minimize your chance of catastrophic failure. A way of doing this is by going on dates which aren't just sit-down dinners, so that no matter how your dating partner behaves, at least you will have a fantastic time doing something interesting. And, to decrease the risk, you need to build both an outreach and relationship sequence so that you decrease the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Find a few activities you like doing and then fit the dates into those activities. This is also a great way to filter out people that aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long run. Naturally, regardless of how well I did all the above things, I had my share of terrible dates. The girl who used me as a meal plan being just one of several. But remember, once you're feeling down and like giving up on love altogether: "You are not as bad as they say you are, you are also not as good as you think you are." Take each date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you work on yourself, improving your discussions, your dates, and your connection with other people, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. If you enjoyed this post, I would super appreciate if you hit the green hand clap button below so that more folks can discover it. And, if you have any more questions about dating, hear our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the show.