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1. THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: Tips, tricks, and manipulations to Browse the pains and pitfalls She looked me directly in the eyes and smiled. Again, I looked at her and then looked at the bill. Still, no response. At that moment I imagined picking up the bill and slapping her across the face with it as hard as I could. It definitely was not my best moment, but it was not hers either. Apparently, as I discovered afterwards, I had fallen into a trap called"the meal program." The meal program, if you're unfamiliar with it, is when women go on dates with guys merely to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she definitely fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all of the dates I had gone until that point: all 37 dates to be exact. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like this? As I matured in my internet relationship, however, I realized that this was really a response for what men do to women. There are three major levers in our lives which, if we pull on them correctly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships are the difference between depression and elation. I learned this first hand because in the last 5 years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at once. I stopped the career I had been building for more than 7 years and I left my 10-year connection with my girlfriend who I believed I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and relationship novice. I was scarred. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene triggered and a little voice in my head said,"you're going to give up? No, no you are not. You are going to kick on online dating's ass!" I started to channel my distress into anger, and my anger into determination. I began to approach online dating like one big experiment. I started creating what I predicted,"The Process." In this blog post I'll take you through the whole process I took to master online dating. By optimizing your profile, A/B testing your descriptions, beginning meaningful conversations, as well as crafting interesting dates. We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so you can not just get dates, but maybe find the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I must preface that depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process might need to be different than the under. However, the important takeaway here is to pull back the feelings that come from dating and treat it like an experiment.

2. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I'm going to go meet fascinating people and do interesting things," you'll be much more likely to enjoy the procedure. And, if you are diligent, you might end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I've been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 decades and we've moved in together. So maybe these strategies aren't all that crazy, but perhaps they are, I will leave it for you to judge. Listen to the Modern Dating Show Podcast for more tips, tricks, and embarrassingly real stories. Notice: You can also hear the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I pay a lot of these strategies as we browse the current struggles and embarrassments of his own dating journey (and answer listener questions). STEP 1 -- Decide what you're looking for The absolute most common error I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is they don't define their target obviously. Deep down inside, most of us know whether we are searching for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario I've found is that both men and women who are looking for a meaningful relationship are optimizing their relationship for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with online dating, she asked me to help her with her OKCupid profile. She is an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' quite beautiful, a real 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she would need my help. Basically, in order to optimize for receiving dates, Maddy had chosen to just include her most provocative photos. Now I want to be clear, there's nothing wrong with women having"promiscuous" photos online. The issue, in the event of dating, is the format of a relationship and what you contribute with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to pick up on visual cues much faster than written hints. In actuality, they have found that men that are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by without even activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles hide most information other than the profile photograph before a user clicks, leading with provocative photographs sets a bad first impression. So, while it is totally fine to have hot photos up in your instagram, leading with them on your online dating profile is sending signals that could be attracting the wrong type of guy. Additionally, there are lots of classy ways to have intriguing pictures that speak to more than just the unconscious brain. Internet Dating pictures can be both intriguing and classy So, although Maddy was trying to find a relationship, her photos were sending signals that she's searching for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag guys filling up her inbox. For men, we tend to have the opposite issue. Every man who has done online dating will testify to the battle of getting a woman to swipe right on their profile, let alone to make them engage in a conversation.

3. Men, this is completely your own fault. I've seen men spend hours talking about the numbers of their favourite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, as well as how financial reports will effect the team's chances. However, when it comes to online dating, men tend to slap a few pictures in their profile and then start swiping like orangutans till their fingers develop calluses. Guys, stop. Before you begin creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you are trying to achieve. Are you trying to date a great deal of people? Or are you trying to find a meaningful relationship? And"both" is not an answer. As the saying goes... "If you try to appeal to everyone, you will interest no one." The techniques I'll outline below work for desired outcome, but the choices you make will vastly affect your"conversion" rate. By way of instance, the first time I mastered everything in this procedure, I started going on a lot of dates (3--4 per week, every week), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I only realized months later that, while it is good to go on a lot of dates and get practice relationship (remember I was off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to make sure I had been dating the right folks. Luckily I realized this before I was the victim of any more"meal programs ." STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile images and descriptions According to a study from Princeton, it's estimated that in any relationship, whether its social or work, we make our mind up about whether we like the person in less than 1 second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is the first impression you make is based solely on your profile picture. They don't get to hear you talk. They don't get to shake your hand. They do not get to smell you (it is a thing). All you get is one picture and there's a 99% chance it is the wrong one. If one is coming online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to test is the profile picture. I started this process in a very unscientific way... One hundred, and I mean 100% of them said that my first image wasn't my best. It was interesting feedback, but I wasn't sure how I could test multiple pictures considering I could only put one as the default. The answer: testing across programs.

4. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, along with the dreaded Tindr. I kept my profile description the exact same on every profile, but I put up another profile image on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles before I could get a big enough sample size and make sure that the platform wasn't effecting results. Four of my real dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture which I thought was my best was always the one with the least games. Interestingly enough, a picture that I didn't read much into, pic B, was really a huge turn off for pretty much 100% of women. I was shocked when I found out this, because the two women in that photo are actually good friends of mine, so that I never would have made this connection. Sometimes your photos can be your greatest blind spot. To completely test this idea out, I actually enrolled a few friends (both men and women) to the experiment and had them change their profile pictures. This is a super simple optimization that may seem to be a pain now, but it will save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20 percent of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them often. Top Tip: If you want to speed up this process, you can actually ask your matches exactly what they think of your pictures. If a conversation with a match was not going well, I decided to get some"user comments" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photos she believed was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I was not getting jobs.) Descriptions are negotiable In highschool I had a history teacher, Mr. Hernandez, who gave me perhaps the worst piece of advice I've ever received:"just be yourself." Now, a part of this error might be my fault, since I took his advice very literally. I started to speak my mind, dress how I wanted to dress, and behave how I wished to act. This turned out to be a horrible idea. Without any filter or idea behind my actions, I rubbed over a few people the wrong way.

5. Now that I have matured a bit, I have come to understand that there is a difference between being your overall self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we're never our complete selves except when we are by ourselves. Seth Godin has a great podcast on"signals," that you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we knowingly choose which signals to give to other men and women. A guy wearing a button up top, for instance, is not always wealthy, but the button up top is putting out the sign that he is wealthy. Much like a person who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is signaling she does not want to follow society's rules, the guy in the button up shirt is indicating that he's okay with following convention. In college I met a girl at a party who immediately caught my eye. She was wearing a summer dress, flower earrings, and looked really cute. I approached her and we instantly hit off. We spent the entire party dancing and flirting. We made plans to have a lunch date in the college cafeteria after that week. I got to the cafeteria early and decided to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a girl walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed all in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace round her neck. Initially I did not even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we started talking. After some awkward conversation, she explained that her friends were sick of her being single so they'd dressed her up to be"cuter" for the party to attract a man. I was that man. I didn't really care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized that we had almost nothing in common. The outfit she had used as a signal at the party didn't match her personality at all. We finished the date cordially and moved on. Choosing your signs is good, but choosing false signals not so much. You don't need to lie, but you also don't want to be your total self. You want to tell them about how you collect classic records, you do not want to let them know about how you cry every time a U2 song comes on. You need to tell them about the way you volunteer at the animal shelter, you don't want to tell them about how you ran over your cat. First impressions matter. Crafting a fantastic description is perhaps the most difficult and personal bit of improving your online dating profile. There's no ideal answer, but there are definitely some wrong answers.

6. The first step to getting a good dating profile description is using a very clear structure. I break down a dating profile description into 3 components: Headline: A short sentence somebody can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A little longer description that gives some color to your interests and personality. Call to Action: A desirable action you want them to take. Internet dating is inherently awkward, so help the other person by letting them know something that you can talk about. Ladies this is particularly true for you. If you do not want guys messaging you"hello" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to start the conversation with. The Headline Unfortunately, people tend to surf online dating programs the way they surf social media sites: quickly and without much thought. It might be, in actuality, that mobile devices have trained us to browse everything in a similar way. Because of this, I think the headline is perhaps the most crucial piece of your description and you should try different variations until you find one that works for you. After a lot of testing I found that this one worked best for me: "Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active." The objective of the headline is to give a fast snapshot of what is unique about you. Having a headline that's authentic, interesting, and short functions like a stop sign for the individual who's scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their phone. If you ask any top-performing marketer,"how do I create content which will be successful?" Chances are they'll laugh at the question. As any good content marketer knows, terrific content is about respecting the medium that you are creating the content for. By way of instance, if I went up to a girl in a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active," she will definitely get up and leave. The opposite is true for online relationship, however. You need your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or a single sentence, and make certain that it is quintessentially you. The Intro Paragraph After that initial curiosity is peaked, you can begin paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This is not the time to write a book about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this person, your headline and picture being the first two. The intro paragraph gives a small amount of color and possibly some talking points that you can talk about in chat (again, ladies, this is incredibly important to include if you want to have more meaningful conversations).

7. The intro paragraph which worked best for me was: "I love being outdoors as much as you can! Some of my favourite items are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I am a creative at heart but I really like learning about new and businesses ideas. I am into photography, design, and Tim Ferriss. My perfect Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a good book at Promenade cafe." This paragraph outlines a few basic hobbies and activities I like as well as some non-standard items like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The main thing to remember about this section is to prevent the generic activities that could apply to pretty much anybody. "I like hanging out with friends, watching films, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I am sure that there are people in the world who don't like watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95 percent or more of the folks in your area enjoy both those things too. Rather than attempting to fit in, attempt to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so you can find common ground, but also things which are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Most people like being outside and photography. -- But very few people like learning about companies or Tim Ferriss. The Call To Action This is optional, even though it certainly helps. In marketing, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they have viewed your content. In relationship, you essentially need the individual to message you. This seems like a no brainer, but I've found that a lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they finally become discouraged from making initial contact. I have heard countless stories of girls who have matched with a man who they really enjoy, but the guy never messages them. When I ask them why they do not message first, they say that they don't know what to say or they do not want to seem desperate. The call to action helps alleviate this problem by making it clear that you want them to message you. But, obviously you do not want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have an individual section that states: My CTA goes as follows:

8. "You should message me if you are an interesting person who likes to play outdoors." Again, as with this information, when in doubt just check it out. Try using a call to action and see whether your conversations improve. When they don't, just delete it. The beauty of dating programs is that instead of having 1--5 chances to make a relationship, as you would if you went to a bar for instance, you have tens of thousands of chances and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making first contact and chatting where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" dating is when it has to do with the conversation. Having to chat online as your first conversation is a huge limitation when you're trying to begin a new relationship. For one thing, it is a really unnatural way of communicating, because it's been shown that we receive 55 percent of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communicating. It makes sense then that when you take millions of people and set them in an unnatural communication environment you get some pretty unnatural conversations. While it might be fun to play around with bizarre conversation openers, if you are serious about finding a good relationship through online relationship, then it's a good idea to research your results a little bit. As I got better at optimizing my profile, I started matching with more and more people. This gave me the chance to start testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I simply would not have been able to see if I didn't have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I'll spare you some of the terrible thoughts I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's examine how well you can judge a good opener from a bad one. QUIZ Which of the following conversation starters performs the best? For bonus points, try to order them from most effective to least effective. How's it going?" How was your weekend?" C) "Question: Batman or Superman?" (or any other variation of this type of question). D) "Hey! (according to a book they listed in their profile) I will allow you to think about it for a second. (I will add some distance before the answer below. Scroll as soon as you're ready.)

9. Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer And the answer is... If you guessed D, you picked the best answer! (If you guessed C, you chose the worst response.) In order of best to worst, the replies are D, B, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to any conversation starter. While I found that the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X novel," that obviously depends if they've put a book in their profile. You can modify this to ask about some other part of the profile, like a picture or a place in their own pictures. The reason why I guess that the book one works best though is because a) it shows you actually read their profile and b) it shows that you read. If I may use the book opener to start a conversation I usually also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x book? I am now reading'Losing my Virginity' by Richard Branson and highly recommend it!" (This is the way I opened the dialogue with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I began with this opener felt much more natural and went past a few messages. The second best choice,"Hey! How was your weekend?" Works almost as well, but it's obviously confined to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be strange if you used this on a Friday). Have any fun plans for the weekend?" This worked pretty well, but not nearly too. I suspect it is because it seems too much like I am going to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think of something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you have made contact and the other person has responded, it is Additional info time to have a conversation. Every dialog changes, but there are a few guidelines that I'll put in here as hints. First, some online dating suggestions for men: DON'T attempt to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can't tell you the number of messages my female friends have shown me that noise objectively psychotic. The sad thing is that I know that the man is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation like you would with a friend. DO attempt to talk about things she's interested in but also add your own thoughts. Among the most common complaints I have heard from female friends is they feel like they're being interviewed. Make certain that you ask questions, but that you also share things about yourself in equal measure.

10. DON'T make comments about her appearance or body. Regardless of how well intentioned you are, it will be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you are so beautiful! You have a cute smile! You are..." will only result in a polite"thank you" and won't create meaningful conversation. Now, a few online dating suggestions for women: DO be nice and help direct the conversation. Even when I have tried to be nice and friendly, I have still received very curt or standoff-ish responses. No matter how much guys pretend that they don't care about the conversation, they do. And they normally don't have any clue what they are doing, so offer them some help and guide the conversation in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking any of your own. If you're tired of discussions feeling such as interviews, then be certain that you ask the guy about things he's interested in also. It takes two to tango. DON'T make conclusions too soon. In my experience women tend to place a good deal more thought into their text messages than men do. If a man says something that seems weird or strange, give him the benefit of the doubt and don't read too much into it, chances are he didn't either. Now a proposal for both parties: Try to move the dialogue from online to in real life relatively fast. Online dating is a excellent tool to fulfill someone, but it's just that. It's a tool, it is not actual dating. My overall recommendation for moving from online to in real life is either one long conversation or two brief conversations. It should never take more than a week to set up a date. So, if you match with each other on a Monday, you should definitely have started talking about using a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the programs, but also get them off quickly. In real life is a lot more fun too if you know how to set up good dates... Step 4 -- Making a date sequence that will make you smile more and sweat less After I had mastered the online portion of relationship, I soon realized that procuring the date is just half the battle. The second half of the battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you've even set out from your house. Where you have your date decides about 50--70 percent of the results of the date. But a question... Where is the worst place to have a date? As it turns out, it's actually at the most frequently selected dating place: A sit-down restaurant.

11. Initially I was taking all of my dates to restaurants for dinner. But remember, I was completely new to dating so I was just following what I'd seen in movies. Most of them did not go well, but I wasn't certain why. After a dozen or so embarrassing (and pricey ) dates, I decided that I need to experiment with several other locations. What occurred next was absolutely mind blowing. Almost like flipping a light switch, my dates improved tremendously. It wasn't I was doing anything differently or that I was picking better girls to go on dates with, it was merely a matter of context. Here's why I believe dinner dates do not work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger outside a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a desk. You start speaking, then the waiter interrupts asking about drinks. You choose beverages. You continue to speaking. The waiter interrupts again to your food order. You are not ready to order since you've been talking. The waiter provides you"another moment." You look at the menu making comments about the choices. The waiter comes back ten minutes later. You continue talking. Then you run out of things to discuss. What do you do next? There are no exits, nothing around to comment on, nothing to see or do. You have to keep talking. A dinner date provides no choices. It is a singular task that depends on you connecting with a complete stranger almost immediately. This problem is exacerbated by the fact that many of us are getting worse at having in-person discussions. Spending so much time online has enhanced our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in- person communication skills. Therefore, if we're getting worse at getting in-person conversations, why would you bet your whole love life on the fact that you'll be able to have an amazing in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I was holding on to a small ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet above the ground like a giant cat toy. "O well," I thought,"this will be a good bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I expected the sharp shock of the rope in my climbing harness. However, there was no jolt. I began falling for what felt like eternity. As it turns out, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope just as I had slipped off the ledge. She panicked and did not grab the rope until I had dropped 15 ft to what I was certain was my forthcoming death. Finally the rope eventually stopped and I felt a huge jolt, both physically and emotionally. My entire dating profession made a 180-degree turn when I began carrying my dates on fun activities rather than dinners. I'd take them to play tennis, rock climb, festivals, picnics at the beach, music shows, and everything in between. Some of these activities worked better than others. But I found out that the most essential elements to a great date place could be distilled into three categories: Walkability -- Do we have to sit together or can we walk around? When you are walking, your scenery is shifting

12. so you can grab new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked man on rollerblades!" Activity -- Can we do the action reasonably well? I've seen men get this one pretty wrong. It's fun to teach someone something that you're passionate about, but make certain it is not too hard. Taking a woman rock climbing? Make sure she isn't afraid of heights first. Scalability -- Can the date increase or shrink in scale as needed? Having a terrific time? Great! No chemistry? No issue, how do we end the date sooner? With these three criteria, I crafted a three date sequence that nearly doubled the number of successful dates I went on. I know what you are thinking,"This man took women out to the same areas like it was some kind of regimented assembly line?" This was my go-to order, but, depending on interests, I would substitute different activities to keep the dates interesting. This was merely a template which simplified my choices and reduced the cognitive load I was putting in my mind. So here is my perfect dating arrangement: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks each Friday from the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the problems of inviting someone out to dinner is that everyone has different food preferences. Then (if you are a guy) you've got to account for cost of meals. Off the grid accomplishes this since there are over 20 distinct types of (affordable) cuisine. It also allows you to walk around, people watch, and get drinks. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could vary based on interests but I had a few go-tos, namely: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the beach. Why I like it: These activities had in common were the 3 factors: walkability, activity, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, grab cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favorite pub, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we can alternate between talking and activity. If we did a picnic on the beach, we could go for romantic walks or huddle around a fire pit on Ocean Beach. Date #3 -- Cal Academy Adult Night: An adult-only night at the Cal Academy of Sciences where you can catch drinks and look at exhibits. Why I like it: This date was especially important because if a girl had made it to date #3, it meant I really liked her. It also meant we might take the relationship to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, also it was a semi-formal event so we can both dress nicely for that special night. This was also my secret evaluation because if a girl didn't like facts and science it probably wouldn't work out between us anyway. As an

13. additional bonus, it was also a 20-min walk from my place, so that helped with the"scalability" of the evening. Listen to all the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are just three examples of how to take online dating offline and make a reasonably successful dating sequence. Here are a few tips on what to search for on every date as you try to create your own dating arrangement: Date #1: Look for a casual environment that isn't intimidating. Dark bars or loud places don't make for good conversation. Be certain that you can reliably go to this place, so avoid places with long waits or where you will need to make reservations. Ensure you are able to schedule the date for a weeknight (try to not book a person's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You've broken the ice and you've both agreed to another date, so have fun with this one! Select an activity you will both like that is not too difficult. Avoid intimidating activities like karaoke, group sports, or water skiing. Ideally choose an activity that has a cadence in which you alternate between doing something and talking. Going on a 10 mile run is fantastic for exercise, but it doesn't allow for conversation. Watching a movie at a movie theater has similar limitations. Date #3: You confirmed you enjoy each other, it is time to bring it to another level. Try to make this date a bit more special than the first two. It needs to be romantic, it should test how compatible you both really are, and it ought to confirm whether or not you want to continue seeing each other long term. Following the excitement of dates and two, there can be a lull in date 3, so be sure whatever you choose gives new intimacy to the relationship. By way of example, if I didn't go to the Cal Academy I'd go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Getting your Timing Right maybe one of the most important pieces of the internet dating mystery that I see guys screw up again and again is time. Assuming the guy is the one forcing the dating sequence (which is not always the case) there are a few questions you will need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? When should you go for the kiss? When should you sleep together? Here I will share my answers to these questions that I've found most useful. But again, depending upon your context, your culture, and your comfort your answers may vary. The main thing is to actually think about timing, as opposed to leaving it up to"feeling." Going from Online to Offline It is very easy to let a great online dialog die out. You message her, she messages youback and forth, back and forth. In order to make certain I don't waste all my time with online conversations I found that it was best to ask a woman to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or roughly 20 minutes of constant conversation. Again, try not to linger at the safe-space of the digital world too long. It may feel like it's necessary, but it's quite easy to waste a lot of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 once I was 25, functioning as"the new guy" at a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales team. Every day I overheard their sales calls where they would use their jedi mind tricks to close deals with multi-million dollar balances.

14. One thing I discovered is that each and every time they were finishing a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week after that? O that's no great too. Okay how about the week then?" No matter what the prospect said, the salesperson would insist on at least"penciling" another meeting into the calendar with the choice of cancelling if needed. When I took this technique and applied it to dating, it led to some pretty incredible results. This rule is somewhat contrarian, but it's worked really well: Always request the next date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you are putting yourself out there. You are opening yourself up to strangers and in return you're getting plenty of uncertainty. No one likes uncertainty. No one likes to look at their phone every hour to see if you've texted them or not. No one likes to wonder whether you like them or not. Surprisingly, most people do not mind if you do not like them, they only want to know. So my suggestion would be to quit playing games, both with another person and on your own. If you don't, have the respect to let them know you don't. (A gentle means to do this is by telling them you aren't prepared to date at this time. I had a woman tell me this and it was the easiest let down I have ever experienced and used it later myself too). I must pause here for one caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not always. Nobody likes to be smothered or chased constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get very excited by the person they have just met and then they proceed to constantly text them, call them, and see them day after day after day. He told me,"Girls are like shadows, the more you chase them, the more they run away. The more you run away, the more they chase you." If you discover someone who you would like to be with really badly, don't scare them away by being obsessive. If they like you too, there's no need to chase them. Yes, you should actively try to establish a date, but there's no reason to go on dates every single night of the week. Allow the relationship to have some breathing room. A fantastic way to judge if a relationship is going well is if you find yourself missing the other person and vice versa. There is a lot of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there's even scientific proof for it also. In a number of studies, anthropologists have discovered that many primates invest more effort into a relationships if the individuals in that relationship have been forced apart. What's interesting is that researchers in the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same is true in humans. By data mining cell phone records and comparing telephone patterns and length, the researchers at the university found that humans will also invest more effort into relationships when there is a risk of that relationship weakening. I tried applying this research to relationship in a relatively straightforward way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse in between dates, paradoxically, makes the

15. relationship strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship I found worked pretty well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- factor This sequence meant that I'd spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for sufficient time for the relationship to mature and helped me make sure I did not suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, these dating strategies helped me tremendously, but based on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your procedure may have to be different than the one above. The important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from relationship. In actuality, because relationship is such an emotional activity (like job hunting), it is imperative to have a system in place to assist you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you are getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on an actual rollercoaster, it would be foolish to just jump and continue. Making certain you have that lap belt secured and that you've been on a few less intense rides will allow you to enjoy the ride a good deal more. Perhaps the single most important thing to keep in mind though is to let go of expectations and treat the process like an experiment. As we often discuss on the podcast, even when you let go of expectations and only create your target just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Similar to the advice of world-class investors, you need to diversify your portfolio and decrease your risk of catastrophic failure. A means of doing this is by going on dates that are not just sit-down dinners, so that regardless of how your relationship partner behaves, at least you'll have a fantastic time doing something fun. And, to minimize the risk, you should build both an outreach and dating sequence so that you reduce the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Find a few activities you enjoy doing and then match the dates into these activities. This is also a great way to filter out people that aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long term. Of course, regardless of how well I did all the above things, I had my share of terrible dates. The girl who used me as a meal plan being just one of several. Dating is a rollercoaster that will scare you, challenge you, and sometimes make you wish you had never gotten on. But remember, when you're feeling down and like giving up on love altogether: "You're never as bad as they say you are, you're also not as good as you think you are."

16. Take every date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you constantly work on your own, improving your conversations, your dates, and your connection with other people, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. Until then, strap in and enjoy the ride. If you enjoyed this post, I would super appreciate if you hit the green hand clap button below to ensure that more folks can find it. And, if you've any more questions about dating, listen to our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the show.