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1. She looked me straight in the eyes and smiled. Again, I looked at her and then looked at the invoice. Still, no response. At that moment I imagined picking up the bill and slapping her across the face with it as hard as I could. It definitely was not my best moment, but it was not hers either. Apparently, as I found out afterwards, I had fallen into a trap called"the meal program." The meal program, if you're unfamiliar with it, is when women go on dates with guys just to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she certainly fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all of the dates I had gone on until that point: all 37 dates to be exact. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like that? As I matured in my internet relationship, however, I realized that this was actually a response for what men do to women. There are 3 major levers in our lives that, if we pull on them correctly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships can be the difference between depression and elation. I discovered this firsthand because in the last 5 years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at the same time. I stopped the career I had been building for over 7 years and I left my 10-year relationship with my girlfriend that I thought I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and relationship newcomer. I was depressed. After 9 months of misery and frustration I was about to give up on online dating all together. One dayI was sitting in the shower feeling sorry for myself for over an hour. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene triggered and a little voice in my head said,"you are going to give up? No, no you are not. You're going to kick on online dating's ass!" I began to channel my distress into anger, and my anger into determination. I began to approach online dating like one big experiment. I began creating what I predicted,"The Process." In this blog post I'll take you through the entire process I chose to master online dating. By optimizing your profile, A/B testing your descriptions, starting meaningful conversations, as well as crafting interesting dates. We'll discuss how to streamline the online dating process so that you can't only get dates, but possibly find the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I should preface that depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort,

2. your process might need to be different than the below. However, the important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from dating and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I will go meet interesting people and do interesting things," you'll be much more likely to enjoy the process. And, if you're diligent, you might end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I have been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 decades and we have moved in together. So maybe these strategies aren't all that crazy, but perhaps they are, I'll leave it for you to judge. Note: You can also listen to the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I pay a lot of these strategies as we browse the present struggles and embarrassments of his own dating trip (and answer listener questions). STEP 1 -- Decide what you're looking for The complete most frequent error I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is they don't define their target obviously. Deep down inside, the majority of us know whether we're searching for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario that I've discovered is that both women and men that are looking for a meaningful relationship are maximizing their relationship for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with internet dating, she asked me to help her with her OKCupid profile. She's an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' quite beautiful, a real 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she would need my help. The photos I saw in her profile looked like they belonged more on thechive.com rather than on any dating website. Basically, so as to maximize for receiving dates, Maddy had chosen to only include her most provocative photographs. Now I would like to be clear, there's nothing wrong with women having"promiscuous" pictures online. The problem, in the case of dating, is the format of a dating profile and what you contribute with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to intuitively pick up on visual cues much faster than written hints. In fact, they've found that men that are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles hide most information aside from the profile photo before a user clicks, leading with provocative photographs sets a poor first impression. So, while it's totally fine to have sexy photos up on your instagram, leading together in your online dating profile is sending signals that could be attracting the wrong type of guy. Additionally, there are plenty of classy ways to possess intriguing pictures that speak to more than just the subconscious mind. Online dating pictures can be both classy and intriguing So, although Maddy was attempting to find a relationship, her photographs were sending signals that she's searching for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag men filling up her inbox. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 4

3. For men, we tend to have the opposite issue. Every man who has done online dating will attest to the battle of getting a girl to swipe directly on their profile, let alone to get them to participate in a conversation. Guys, this is completely your fault. I've seen men spend hours talking about the statistics of their favorite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, as well as how financial reports will influence the team's chances. But, when it comes to online dating, guys have a tendency to slap a few pictures in their profile and then begin swiping like orangutans until their fingers develop calluses. Guys, stop. Before you begin creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you are trying to attain. Are you trying to date a great deal of people? Or are you searching for a meaningful relationship? And"both" isn't an answer. "If you try to appeal to everyone, you will appeal to no one." The techniques I'll outline below work for desired result, but the choices you make will vastly affect your"conversion" rate. For example, the first time I mastered everything in this process, I started going on a great deal of dates (3--4 per week, weekly ), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I just realized months later that, while it is good to go on a lot of dates and get practice relationship (recall I was off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to make sure I had been dating the right folks. Fortunately I realized this before I had been the victim of any more"meal plans." STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile images and descriptions According to a study from Princeton, it is estimated that in any relationship, whether its social or work, we make up our mind about if we like the person in less than one second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile picture. They do not get to hear you speak. They don't get to shake your hand. They don't get to smell you (it's a thing). All you get is one picture and there's a 99% chance it's the wrong one. If one is coming online dating as an experiment, obviously the first thing to check is the profile picture. I first started this process in a very unscientific way... I went to every female friend I knew and asked her what she thought of my photos.

4. One hundred, and I mean 100% of them said that my first picture was not my best. It was interesting feedback, but I was not certain how I could test multiple pictures considering that I could only put one as the default option. The answer: testing across programs. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, and the dreaded Tindr. I retained my profile description the same on every profile, but I set up a different profile image on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles before I could find a big enough sample size and make certain that the platform was not effecting results. Four of my actual dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture that I thought was my best was always the one with the least matches. Interestingly enough, a picture that I did not read much into, pic B, was actually a huge turn off for pretty much 100% of women. When I asked them why, without skipping a beat they replied,"it makes you look like a player." I was shocked when I found out this, because the two girls in that photo are actually good friends of mineso that I never would have made that connection. Sometimes your photos can be your greatest blind spot. To completely test this idea out, I actually enrolled a few friends (both men and women) to the experiment and had them change out their profile pictures. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 2 This is a super easy optimization that may seem like a pain now, but it will save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20% of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them often. Top Tip: If you want to speed up this process, you can really ask your games exactly what they think of your pictures. If a conversation with a game was not going well, I decided to get some"user comments" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photographs she believed was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I wasn't getting jobs.) Descriptions are negotiable

5. Now, part of the error might be my fault, because I took his advice quite literally. I began to speak my mind, dress how I wanted to dress, and act how I wanted to act. This turned out to be a horrible idea. With no filter or thought behind my actions, I rubbed more than a few people the wrong way. Now that I have matured a bit, I've come to realize that there is a difference between being your total self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are never our complete selves except when we are by ourselves. Seth Godin has a great podcast on"signals," which you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we actively choose which signals to give to other men and women. A man wearing a button up top, as an example, isn't always wealthy, but the button up shirt is putting out the signal that he's wealthy. Much like a person who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is indicating she doesn't want to follow society's rules, the man in the button up shirt is signaling that he's okay with subsequent convention. Signals matter. In college I met a woman at a party who immediately caught my attention. She was wearing a summer dress, flower earrings, and looked really cute. I approached her and we instantly hit off. We spent the whole party dancing and flirting. We made plans to have a lunch date at the college cafeteria after that week. I got to the cafeteria early and decided to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a girl walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace around her neck. At first I did not even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we began talking. I was that guy. I did not really care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized that we had practically nothing in common. The outfit she'd used as a sign at the party did not match her personality in any way. We ended the date cordially and moved on. Choosing your signs is good, but picking false signals not so much. The same goes for your online dating profile description. You do not want to lie, but you also don't want to be your complete self. You want to tell them about how you collect classic records, you do not need to tell them about the way you cry every time a U2 song comes on. You need to tell them about how you volunteer at the animal shelter, you do not want to let them know about how you ran over your cat. Crafting a fantastic description is perhaps the most difficult and personal bit of enhancing your online dating profile. There's absolutely no right answer, but there are some wrong answers.

6. The first step to having a good dating profile description is having a clear structure. I break down a relationship profile description into 3 components: Headline: A brief sentence somebody can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A little longer description that gives some color to your interests and personality. Call to Action: A desired action you want them to take. Internet dating is inherently awkward, so help the other person by letting them know something that you can talk about. Ladies this is especially true for you. If you do not want men messaging you"hello" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to begin the conversation with. The Headline Unfortunately, people tend to surf internet dating programs the way they surf social media sites: fast and without much thought. It could be, in actuality, that mobile devices have trained us to browse everything in a similar manner. Due to this, I think the headline is perhaps the most crucial bit of your description and you need to try different variations until you find one that is right for you. After a lot of testing I discovered that this one worked best for me: "Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active." The goal of the headline is to provide a fast snapshot of what is unique about you. Having a headline that's authentic, interesting, and short functions like a stop sign for the person who is scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their cell phone. If you ask any top-performing marketer,"how do I create content which will be successful?" Chances are they'll laugh at the question. As any good content marketer knows, terrific content is all about respecting the medium that you're creating the content for. For instance, if I went into a girl at a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, energetic," she'll definitely get up and leave. The opposite is true for online relationship, however. You want your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or one sentence, and be sure that it is quintessentially you. Once that initial curiosity is peaked, you can start paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This isn't the time to compose a book about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this person, your picture and headline being the first two. The intro paragraph provides a little bit of colour and possibly some talking points that you two can discuss in chat (again, ladies, this is incredibly important to add if you would like to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph which worked best for me was:

7. "I love being outside as much as possible! Some of my favourite things are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I'm a creative at heart but I really like learning about new and businesses ideas. I am into photography, layout, and Tim Ferriss. My perfect Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a fantastic book at Promenade cafe" This paragraph outlines a few basic hobbies and activities I like as well as some non-standard things like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The main thing to remember about this section is to prevent the generic activities that could apply to pretty much anybody. "I enjoy hanging out with friends, watching films, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I'm positive there are people on earth who don't like watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95 percent or more of the folks in your area enjoy those things too. As opposed to attempting to fit in, try to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so it's possible to find common ground, but also things that are uniquely you. For example in my description above: -- Most people like being outdoors and photography. -- But very few people like learning about businesses or Tim Ferriss. The Call To Action This is optional, even though it certainly helps. In marketing, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they've viewed your content. In dating, you essentially need the individual to message you. This sounds like a no brainer, but I've found that a lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they finally become discouraged from making initial contact. I've heard countless stories of girls who have matched with a guy who they really enjoy, but the man never messages them. When I ask them why they do not message first, it is said that they don't know what to say or they don't want to appear desperate. But, obviously you do not want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have an individual section that says: Again, as with this advice, when in doubt just check it out. Try having a call to action and see whether your conversations improve. If they don't, simply delete it. The beauty of dating apps is that rather than having 1--5 opportunities to make a connection, as you would if you went to a pub for instance, you have thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with.

8. STEP 3 -- Making initial contact and chatting where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" dating is when it comes to the conversation. Having to chat online as your first conversation is a huge limitation when you are trying to start a new relationship. For one thing, it's a very unnatural way of communicating, because it's been shown that we receive 55 percent of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communication. It is logical then that if you take millions of people and set them in an unnatural communication environment you get some pretty unnatural conversations. While it may be fun to play around with weird conversation openers, if you are serious about finding a good relationship through online dating, then it's a good idea to research your results a little bit. This gave me the opportunity to start testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I just wouldn't have been able to see if I didn't have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I'll spare you some of the terrible thoughts I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's test how well you can judge a fantastic opener from a bad one. QUIZ Which of the following conversation starters performs the best? A) "Hey! How's it going?" C) "Question: Batman or Superman?" (or any other variation of this type of question). How did you like X book?" (according to a book they listed in their profile) I'll allow you to think about it for a second. (I will add some space before the answer below. Scroll once you're ready.) Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer

9. Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the response And the answer is... If you guessed D, you chose the best answer! (If you guessed C, you chose the worst answer.) In order of best to worst, the answers are D, B, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to some conversation starter. While I found the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X novel," that clearly depends if they have put a book in their profile. You can jak zagadac na tinder alter this to ask about some other part of the profile, such as a picture or a location in their pictures. The reason I guess the book one works best though is because a) it shows you really read their profile and b) it indicates that you read. If I can use the book opener to initiate a conversation I typically also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x book? (This is the way I opened the conversation with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I began with this opener felt much more natural and moved beyond a few messages. The next best choice,"Hey! Works almost as well, but it is obviously confined to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be odd if you used this on a Friday). An alternative version I tried on Thursdays or Fridays was,"Hey! Have any fun plans for the weekend?" This worked pretty well, but not nearly as well. I suspect it's because it sounds too much like I'm going to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think of something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you've made contact and another person has responded, it's time to have a conversation. Every dialog changes, but there are a few guidelines that I'll put in here as hints. First, some online dating tips for guys:

10. DON'T try to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can not tell you how many messages my female friends have shown me that noise objectively psychotic. The sad thing is that I know that the man is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a regular conversation like you want a friend. DO try to talk about things she's interested in but also add your own thoughts. One of the most common complaints I have heard from female friends is they feel like they're being interviewed. Make sure that you ask questions, but that you also share things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her body or appearance. Irrespective of how well intentioned you are, it will be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you are so beautiful! You've got a cute smile! You are..." will only result in a polite"thank you" and won't create meaningful conversation. Now, a couple of online dating suggestions for girls: DO be nice and help guide the conversation. Even when I have tried to be friendly and nice, I've still received very curt or standoff-ish answers. No matter how much guys pretend they don't care about the conversation, they do. And they normally don't have any clue what they're doing, so offer them some help and guide the dialogue in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking some of your own. If you're tired of conversations feeling like interviews, then make sure that you ask the guy about things he's interested in as well. It takes two to tango. DON'T make judgments too soon. In my experience women have a tendency to put a good deal more thought in their text messages than guys do. If a man says something that seems weird or strange, give him the benefit of the doubt and do not read too much into it, chances are he did not either. Now a suggestion for the two parties: Attempt to move the conversation from online to in real life relatively quickly. Online dating is a excellent tool to meet someone, but it's just that. It's a tool, it is not actual dating. My general recommendation for moving from online to in real life is one long conversation or two brief conversations. It should never take more than a week to set up a date. Thus, if you match with each other on a Monday, you should definitely have started talking about having a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the programs, but also get them off quickly. In real life is a lot more fun too if you know how to set up good dates... Step 4 -- Making a date sequence that will make you smile more and sweat less Once I had mastered the online portion of dating, I soon realized that procuring the date is just half the battle. The second half of the battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you've even set out from your residence. As they say in real estate: location, location, location. In which you have your date determines about 50--70% of the results of the date. But first a question... Where's the worst place to have a date?

11. As it happens, it is actually at the most commonly selected dating location: A sit-down restaurant. At first I was taking all of my dates to restaurants for dinner. But remember, I was totally new to dating so I was just following what I had seen in movies. Most of them did not go well, but I was not sure why. After a dozen or so embarrassing (and pricey ) dates, I determined that I should experiment with several other locations. What happened next was absolutely mind blowing. Almost like flipping a light switch, my dates improved tremendously. It wasn't I was doing anything differently or that I had been picking better women to go on dates with, it was simply a matter of context. Here's why I think dinner dates do not work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger out a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a desk. You begin speaking, then the waiter interrupts asking about beverages. You choose beverages. You continue to speaking. The waiter interrupts again to your food order. You're not ready to order since you've been talking. The waiter provides you"another minute." You look at the menu making remarks about the choices. The waiter comes back ten minutes later. You order food. You continue talking. You talk and talk. You then run out of things to talk about. What do you do next? There are no exits, nothing around to comment on, nothing to see or do. You need to keep talking. Talk... Talk... Talk! A dinner date provides no choices. It's a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost immediately. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that most of us are getting worse at having in-person conversations. Spending so much time online has improved our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in- person communication skills. So, if we're getting worse at having in-person discussions, why would you bet your whole love life on the fact you will be able to have an amazing in-person conversation with a complete stranger? 3 Rules for Creating Great Dates I never thought that dating could be a life-or-death action, but one day changed all that. I had been holding on to a little ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet above the floor like a giant cat toy. "O well," I thought,"this is going to be a great bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I anticipated the sharp shock of the rope on my climbing harness. But there was no jolt. I began falling for what felt like eternity. As it turns out, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope just as I'd slipped off the ledge. She panicked and did not grab the rope until I had fallen 15 feet to what I was certain was my forthcoming death. Eventually the rope eventually stopped and I felt a massive jolt, both emotionally and physically. My entire dating career made a 180-degree turn when I started carrying my dates on fun activities rather than dinners.

12. A number of these activities worked better than others. But I found out that the most essential elements to a great date spot could be distilled into three categories: Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you are walking, your landscape is changing so that you can grab new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked guy on rollerblades!" Activity -- Can we both do the action reasonably well? I've seen guys get this one pretty wrong. It's fun to teach someone something that you're passionate about, but make certain it is not too hard. Taking a girl rock climbing? Make sure she isn't scared of heights first. Scalability -- Would the date grow or shrink in scale as needed? Having a terrific time? Great! Let's go get dessert! No chemistry? No issue, how can we end the date earlier? With these three criteria, I crafted a three date sequence that nearly doubled the number of successful dates I went on. I know what you are thinking,"This guy took women out to the same areas like it was some sort of regimented assembly line?" No. This was my go-to order, but, depending on interests, I'd substitute unique activities to keep the dates interesting. This was merely a template that simplified my choices and decreased the cognitive load I was putting in my mind. Happy brain = Happy dates. So here's my perfect dating arrangement: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks every Friday by the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the problems of inviting someone out to dinner is that everybody has different food tastes. Then (if you're a man ) you've got to account for cost of meals. Off the grid solves this since there are over 20 different types of (affordable) cuisine. Additionally, it lets you walk around, people watch, and get drinks. It is possible to extend the date by getting dessert or listening to the live bands. Feel like going all out? Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a couple of go-tos, namely: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the shore. Why I like it: What these activities had in common were the 3 factors: walkability, action, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, grab cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favourite bar, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we can alternate between activity and talking. If we did a picnic on the beach, we can go for romantic walks or huddle around a fire pit on Ocean Beach. Date #3 -- Cal Academy Adult Night: An adult-only night at the Cal Academy of Sciences where you can grab drinks and look at exhibits. Why I like it: This date was particularly important because if a girl had made it to date #3, it meant I really liked her. Additionally, it meant we might take the connection to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, plus it was a semi-formal occasion so we could both dress well for that special night. This was also my secret evaluation because if a girl didn't like science and facts it probably wouldn't work out between us anyway.

13. Listen to each of the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are merely three examples of how to take online dating offline and create a reasonably successful dating arrangement. Here are a few tips on what to look for on every date as you attempt to make your own dating sequence: Date #1: Look for a casual environment that isn't intimidating. Dark bars or loud places don't make for good conversation. Be certain that you can reliably go to this area, so avoid places with long waits or where you need to make reservations. Ensure you are able to schedule the date for a weeknight (try not to book someone's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You have broken the ice and you have both agreed to a second date, so have fun with this one! Select an activity you'll both like that is not too tricky. Avoid intimidating actions like karaoke, group sports, or water skiing. Ideally choose an activity which has a cadence in which you alternate between doing something and talking. Going on a 10 mile run is fantastic for exercise, but it does not allow for conversation. Watching a movie at a movie theater has similar limitations. Date #3: You confirmed you like each other, it is time to bring it to another level. Try to make this date a little more special than the first two. It needs to be romantic, it should test how compatible you really are, and it should confirm whether or not you want to keep on seeing each other long term. Following the excitement of dates one and two, there can be a lull in date 3, so make sure whatever you choose gives new intimacy to the relationship. By way of instance, if I didn't visit the Cal Academy I would go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Obtaining your Timing Right Perhaps one of the most important pieces of the online dating mystery that I see guys screw up again and again is timing. Assuming the guy is the one driving the dating sequence (which is not necessarily the case) there are a few questions you will need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? How long should you wait between date 1 and date 2? When should you go for the kiss? Here I'll share my answers to these questions that I've found most useful. But again, depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort your answers may vary. I will share my experience (as a heterosexual man living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The important thing is to actually think about timing, as opposed to leaving it up to"feeling." Going from Online to Offline It is quite easy to let a great online conversation die out. You message , she messages youback and forth, forth and back. To be able to make sure that I don't waste all my time with online conversations I found that it was best to ask a girl to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or roughly 20 minutes of constant conversation. Again, try not to linger at the safe-space of the digital world too long. It may feel like it's necessary, but it is very easy to waste a lot of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 once I was 25, functioning as"the new man" at a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales team. One thing I noticed is that every time they were finishing a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week after that? O that's no great too. Okay how about the week then?"

14. Regardless of what the prospect said, the salesperson would always insist on at least"penciling" the next meeting into the calendar with the option of cancelling if needed. When I took this technique and applied it to dating, it led to a pretty incredible results. This rule is somewhat contrarian, but it has worked really well: Always request the next date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you are putting yourself out there. You're opening yourself up to strangers and in return you're getting a lot of uncertainty. Nobody likes uncertainty. No one likes to look at their phone every hour to see if you've texted them or not. Nobody likes to wonder if you like them or not. Surprisingly, most individuals don't mind if you do not like them, they just want to know. So my suggestion is to quit playing games, both with another person and on your own. If you like them, tell them you like them. If you don't, have the respect to let them know you do not. (A gentle means to do this is by telling them that you are not ready to date right now. I had a girl tell me this and it was the simplest let down I have ever experienced and used it later myself also ). I should pause here for a single caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not constantly. Nobody likes to be smothered or chased constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get very excited by the person they've just met and they then proceed to text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day. He explained,"Girls are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the more they run away. The more you run away, the longer they chase you." If you find someone who you want to be with really badly, don't frighten them away by being fanatical. If they like you as well, there is no need to chase them. Yes, you should actively try to set up a date, but there is no reason to go on dates every single night of the week. Permit the relationship to have some breathing room. A fantastic way to judge whether a relationship is going well is if you find yourself missing the other person and vice versa. There is a great deal of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there's even scientific evidence for it also. In a number of studies, anthropologists have discovered that many primates invest more effort into a relationships if the individuals in that relationship have been forced apart. What's interesting is that researchers at the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same holds true in humans. By data mining cell phone records and comparing call patterns and duration, the researchers at the university found that people will also invest more effort into relationships when there is a risk of that relationship weakening. I tried applying this research to dating in a relatively simple way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse in between dates, paradoxically, makes the connection strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship I found worked fairly well was the following:

15. Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- variable This sequence meant that I would spread out the first 3 dates across a 1 month period. This allowed for sufficient time for the relationship to grow and helped me make sure I didn't suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the beginning of the post, these dating approaches helped me tremendously, but based upon your context, your culture, and your comfort, your procedure may need to be different than the one above. The important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come out of dating. In fact, because dating is such an emotional activity (like job hunting), it is vital to have a system set up that will assist you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you're getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on a real rollercoaster, it would be foolish to simply hop on and continue. Making certain you have that lap belt secured and that you have been on a few less intense rides will allow you to enjoy the ride a good deal more. Perhaps the single most important point to bear in mind though is to let go of expectations and treat the process like an experiment. As we frequently discuss on the podcast, when you let go of expectations and just create your goal just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Similar to the advice of world wide investors, you want to diversify your portfolio and decrease your risk of catastrophic failure. A means of doing that is by going on dates which aren't only sit-down dinners, so that no matter how your dating partner behaves, at least you will have a fantastic time doing something fun. And, to decrease the risk, you need to build both an outreach and dating sequence so you reduce the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Find a few activities you enjoy doing and then fit the dates into those activities. This is also a wonderful way to filter out people who aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long run. Naturally, irrespective of how well I did all the above items, I had my share of terrible dates. The woman who used me as a meal program being just one of many. But bear in mind, once you're feeling down and like giving up on love altogether: "You're not as bad as they say you are, you're also not as good as you think you are." Take each date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you constantly work on yourself, improving your discussions, your dates, and your connection with others, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. If you enjoyed this post, I'd super appreciate if you hit the green hand clap button below to ensure that more folks can find it. And, if you have any more questions about dating, hear our podcast where you can submit your own

16. dating questions and we'll answer them on the display.