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1. THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: Tips, tricks, and manipulations to Browse the pains and pitfalls She looked me directly in the eyes and smiled. Again, I looked at her and then looked at the invoice. Still, no reply. It definitely wasn't my best moment, but it wasn't hers either. Apparently, as I discovered afterwards, I had fallen into a trap called"the meal program." The meal program, if you're not familiar with it, is when women go on dates with men just to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she certainly fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all the dates I had gone until there: all 37 dates to be precise. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like this? As I matured in my online dating, however, I realized that this was really a reaction for what men do to women. There are three significant levers in our lives which, if we pull them properly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships can be the difference between depression and elation. I learned this first hand because in the last 5 years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at the same time. I stopped the career I had been building for over 7 years and I left my 10-year relationship with my girlfriend that I thought I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and dating newcomer. I was depressed. I was scared. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene activated and a small voice in my head said,"you're going to give up? No, no you are not. You are going to kick on online dating's ass!" I started to channel my misery into anger, and my anger into determination. I started to approach online dating like one big experiment. I started creating what I called,"The Process." In this blog post I'll take you through the entire process I took to learn online dating. By optimizing your profile, A/B testing your descriptions, starting meaningful conversations, and even crafting interesting dates. We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so you can't only get dates, but possibly discover the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I must preface that based on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process may need to be different than the under. However, the important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from dating and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I will go meet interesting people and do interesting things," you will be much more likely to enjoy the process. And, if you're diligent, you may end up finding that special person.

2. UPDATE: As of 2019 I've been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 years and we've moved in together. So maybe these strategies aren't all that crazy, but maybe they are, I'll leave it for you to judge. Note: You can also listen to the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I pay a lot of these strategies as we navigate the present struggles and embarrassments of his own dating trip (and answer listener questions). The complete most frequent mistake I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is they don't define their target clearly. Deep down inside, most of us know whether we're looking for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario I've found is that both women and men who are searching for a meaningful relationship are optimizing their relationship for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with internet dating, she asked me to help her with her OKCupid profile. She is a remarkably smart and capable woman and she's' really beautiful, a real 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she would need my help. In less than 5 seconds I saw the problem. Basically, in order to maximize for getting dates, Maddy had chosen to just include her most provocative photos. Now I would like to be clear, there is nothing wrong with women having"promiscuous" photos online. The problem, in the case of dating, is the format of a dating profile and what you contribute with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to intuitively pick up on visual clues much faster than written hints. In actuality, they have found that men who are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by without even activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles conceal most information other than the profile photo until a user clicks, resulting in provocative photographs sets a poor first impression. So, while it's totally fine to have sexy photos up on your instagram, leading together in your online dating profile is sending signals that may be attracting the wrong type of guy. There are also lots of classy ways to have intriguing pictures that speak to more than just the subconscious mind. Internet Dating pictures can be both intriguing and classy So, although Maddy was attempting to locate a relationship, her photographs were only sending signals that she is searching for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag men filling up her inbox. Every man who has done online dating will testify to the struggle of getting a woman to swipe directly on their profile, let alone to get them to participate in a conversation. Men, this is completely your fault. I have seen men spend hours talking about the statistics of their favorite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, as well as how financial reports will effect the team's chances. However, when it comes to online dating, guys tend to slap a few pictures on their profile and then begin swiping

3. like orangutans until their fingers develop calluses. Guys, stop. Before you start creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you're trying to achieve. Are you trying to date a great deal of people? Or are you trying to find a meaningful relationship? And"both" is not an answer. "If you try to appeal to everyone, you will interest no one." The techniques I'll outline below work for either desired result, but the choices you make will vastly affect your"conversion" rate. By way of instance, the first time I mastered everything in this procedure, I started going on a great deal of dates (3--4 per week, weekly ), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I only realized months after that, while it is good to go on a great deal of dates and get practice relationship (remember I was off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to be sure I was dating the perfect folks. Luckily I realized this before I was the victim of any more"meal programs " STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile images and descriptions First impressions matter. According to a study from Princeton, it's projected that in any relationship, whether its social or work, we make our mind up about if we like the person in less than 1 second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is the first impression you make is based solely on your profile picture. They don't get to hear you speak. They don't get to shake your hand. They do not get to smell you (it's a thing). All you get is 1 picture and there's a 99% chance it's the wrong one. If a person is approaching online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to check is the profile picture. I started this process in a very unscientific way... I went to every female friend I knew and asked her what she thought of my photos. One hundred, and I mean 100% of them said that my first picture wasn't my best. It was interesting feedback, but I was not certain how I could test numerous pictures considering that I could only put one as the default option. The response: testing across programs.

4. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, and the dreaded Tindr. I kept my profile description the same on each profile, but I set up another profile image on each. I rotated the images across profiles before I could find a large enough sample size and be sure that the platform was not effecting results. Four of my real dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture that I thought was my best was always the one with the least games. Interestingly enough, a film that I didn't read much into, pic B, was actually a massive turn off for pretty much 100% of women. When I asked them why, without skipping a beat they replied,"it makes you look like a player." I was shocked when I found out this, because the two women in that photo are actually good friends of mine, so I never would have made this connection. Sometimes your photographs can be your biggest blind spot. To completely test out this idea, I actually enrolled a few friends (both men and women) to the experiment and had them change their profile pictures. They got varied results, but one thing was consistent: the picture they thought was their best, never performed the best. This is a super easy optimization that can look to be a pain now, but it will save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20% of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them often. Top Tip: If you would like to speed up this process, you can actually ask your games what they think of your pictures. If a conversation with a game wasn't going well, I decided to at least get some"user comments" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photos she believed was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I was not getting jobs.) In highschool I had a history teacher, Mr. Hernandez, who gave me the worst piece of advice I've ever received:"just be yourself" Now, a part of this error might be my fault, since I took his advice very literally. I started to speak my thoughts, dress how I wanted to dress, and behave how I wished to act. This turned out to be a horrible idea. Without any filter or idea behind my actions, I rubbed over a few people the wrong way. Now that I have matured a bit, I've come to understand that there is a difference between being your overall self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are never our complete selves except when we are by ourselves. Seth Godin has a wonderful podcast on"signals," that you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we

5. knowingly choose which signs to give to other people. A man wearing a button up shirt, for example, is not necessarily wealthy, but the button up shirt is putting out the sign that he is wealthy. Much like someone who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is indicating she does not wish to follow society's rules, the man in the button up shirt is signaling that he is okay with subsequent convention. Signals matter. In college I met a girl at a party who immediately caught my attention. I approached her and we instantly hit off. We spent the whole party dancing and flirting. We made plans to have a lunch date in the college cafeteria later that week. I got to the cafeteria early and decided to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a girl walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace round her neck. Initially I did not even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we started talking. I was that man. I did not really care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized we had practically nothing in common. The outfit she'd used as a signal at the party did not match her personality in any way. We finished the date cordially and moved on. Signals matter. Choosing your signals is good, but choosing false signals not so much. The same goes for your online dating profile description. You don't want to lie, but you also don't want to be your total self. You need to tell them about how you collect vintage records, you do not need to let them know about the way you cry every time a U2 tune comes on. You need to tell them about the way you volunteer at the animal shelter, you do not want to tell them about how you ran over your cat. Crafting a fantastic description is perhaps the most difficult and personal piece of improving your online dating profile. There is absolutely no ideal answer, but there are definitely some wrong answers. The first step to having a good dating profile description is having a clear structure. I break down a relationship profile description into 3 components: Headline: A short sentence somebody can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A little longer description that gives some color to your interests and personality. Call to Action: A desired action you want them to take. Online dating is inherently awkward, so help another person by letting them know something that you two can talk about. Ladies this is particularly true for you. If you

6. don't want men messaging you"hello" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to start the conversation with. The Headline Unfortunately, people tend to surf internet dating apps the way they surf social networking sites: fast and without much thought. It could be, in actuality, that mobile devices have trained us to browse everything in a similar way. Due to this, I think the headline is possibly the most important piece of your description and you should try different variations until you find one that is right for you. After a lot of testing I discovered that this one worked best for me: "Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active." The goal of the headline is to provide a quick snapshot of what's unique about you. Having a headline that's authentic, interesting, and short acts like a stop sign for the individual who is scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their phone. Chances are they'll laugh at the question. As any good content marketer knows, great content is all about respecting the medium that you're creating the content for. By way of instance, if I went up to a woman in a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, energetic," she will definitely get up and leave. The opposite is true for online dating, however. You want your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or a single sentence, and make certain that it is quintessentially you. The Intro Paragraph Once that initial curiosity is peaked, you should begin paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This is not the time to compose a novel about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this person, your picture and headline being the first two. The intro paragraph gives a small amount of color and perhaps some talking points that you two can talk about in chat (again, ladies, this is extremely important to add if you want to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph which worked best for me was: "I love being outdoors as much as possible! Some of my favorite things are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I'm a creative at heart but I love learning about new and businesses ideas. I am into photography, layout, and Tim Ferriss. My ideal Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a fantastic book at Promenade cafe" This paragraph outlines a few basic activities and hobbies I enjoy and some non-standard items like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The main thing to remember about this section is to avoid the generic activities that could apply to pretty much anyone. I can't tell you how many profiles I've seen that list things like:

7. "I like hanging out with friends, watching movies, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I am positive there are people on earth who don't like watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95 percent or more of the people in your area enjoy both those things too. Rather than trying to fit in, try to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so you can find common ground, but also things that are uniquely you. For example in my description above: -- Many people like being outside and photography. -- But very few people like learning about businesses or Tim Ferriss. The Call To Action This is optional, even though it certainly helps. In advertising, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they've viewed your content. In relationship, you basically need the person to message you. This sounds like a no brainer, but I have found that a whole lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they finally become discouraged from making first contact. I've heard countless stories of girls who have matched with a man who they really enjoy, but the guy never messages them. When I ask them why they do not message first, it is said that they don't know what to say or they don't want to seem desperate. The call to action helps alleviate this problem by making it clear that you want them to message you. Butobviously you don't want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have an individual section that states: "You should message me if..." ← This is OkCupid's sub-heading but you can just manually add it on other online dating programs too. Again, as with this advice, when in doubt just check it out. Try having a call to action and see if your conversations improve. If they don't, simply delete it. The beauty of dating programs is that instead of having 1--5 opportunities to make a connection, as you would if you went to a bar for instance, you have tens of thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making first talking and contact The place where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" relationship is when it comes to the conversation. Having to talk online as your first conversation is a massive limitation when you are trying to start a new relationship.

8. For starters, it's a really unnatural method of communicating, since it's been proven that we receive 55 percent of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communication. It makes sense then that when you take countless people and set them in an unnatural communication environment you get some pretty unnatural conversations. While it might be fun to play around with weird conversation openers, if you are serious about finding a fantastic relationship through online dating, then it is a fantastic idea to study your results a little bit. As I got better at optimizing my profile, I started matching with a growing number of people. This gave me the chance to begin testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I simply would not have been able to determine if I did not have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I will spare you some of the terrible ideas I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's test how well you can judge a good opener from a poor one. QUIZ Which of the following conversation starters performs the best? How's Check out the post right here it going?" B) "Hey! (or some other variation of the type of question). D) "Hey! (according to a book they listed in their profile) I'll allow you to think about it for a second. (I'll add some space before the reply below. Scroll as soon as you're ready.) Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response

9. Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the response And the answer is... If you guessed D, you picked the best answer! (If you guessed C, you chose the worst answer.) In order of best to worst, the answers are B, D, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to any conversation starter. While I found the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X book," that obviously depends if they have put a book in their profile. You can modify this to ask about some other part of the profile, such as a movie or a location in their own pictures. The reason I suspect that the book one works best though is because a) it shows you really read their profile and b) it indicates that you read. If I may use the book opener to initiate a conversation I usually also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x publication? (This is how I opened the dialogue with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I started with this opener felt a lot more natural and moved beyond a few messages. The second best choice,"Hey! Works nearly as well, but it's obviously limited to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be odd if you used this on a Friday). This worked pretty well, but not nearly as well. I suspect it is because it sounds too much like I'm going to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think about something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you've made contact and the other person has responded, it's time to have a conversation. Every dialog changes, but there are a few guidelines that I will put in here as hints. First, some online dating suggestions for guys: DON'T try to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can not tell you the number of messages my female friends have shown me that sound objectively psychotic. The sad thing is I know that the man is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a regular conversation like you want a friend. DO try to talk about things she's interested in but also add your own thoughts. Among the most common complaints I've heard from female friends is they feel like they're being interviewed. Be sure that you ask questions, but that you also discuss things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her body or appearance. Regardless of how well intentioned you are, it'll be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you are so beautiful! You have a cute smile! You're..." will only lead to a polite"thank you" and won't create meaningful conversation. Now, a few online dating suggestions for girls:

10. DO be nice and help direct the conversation. Even when I have tried to be nice and friendly, I have still received quite curt or standoff-ish answers. No matter how much guys pretend that they don't care about the conversation, they do. And they normally have no clue what they are doing, so offer them some help and direct the conversation in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking any of your own. If you're tired of conversations feeling like interviews, then make sure that you ask the guy about things he is interested in as well. It takes two to tango. DON'T make conclusions too soon. In my experience women tend to put a good deal more thought in their text messages than men do. If a man says something that seems weird or strange, give him the benefit of the doubt and don't read too much into it, chances are he didn't either. Now a suggestion for the two parties: Try to move the dialogue from online to in real life relatively quickly. Online dating is a great tool to fulfill someone, but it is just that. It is a tool, it isn't actual dating. My overall recommendation for moving from online to in real life is one long conversation or two brief conversations. It should never take more than a week to set up a date. Thus, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have started talking about using a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the apps, but also get them off quickly. In real life is a lot more fun too in case you know how to set up good dates... Step 4 -- Making a date sequence that will cause you to smile more and sweat less Once I had mastered the online part of dating, I soon realized that securing the date is just half the battle. The second half of the battle, how well the date goes, is largely determined before you've even set out from your residence. As they say in real estate: location, location, location. In which you have your date decides about 50--70 percent of the outcome of the date. But a question... Where's the worst place to have a date? As it turns out, it is actually at the most commonly selected dating location: A sit-down restaurant. At first I was taking all my dates to restaurants for dinner. Boring, I know. But bear in mind, I was completely new to relationship so I was only following what I had seen in movies.

11. Many of them didn't go well, but I was not sure why. After a dozen or so awkward (and pricey ) dates, I decided that I need to experiment with some other locations. What happened next was totally mind blowing. Almost like flipping a light switch, my dates improved tremendously. It wasn't I was doing anything differently or that I was picking better girls to go on dates with, it was simply a matter of context. Here's why I think dinner dates do not work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger outside a restaurant. You sit down at a desk. You begin speaking, then the waiter interrupts asking about drinks. You choose beverages. You continue to speaking. The waiter interrupts again to your food order. You are not ready to order since you have been talking. The waiter gives you"another moment." You examine the menu making remarks about the choices. The server comes back ten minutes later. You order food. Then you run out of things to discuss. What should you do next? You need to keep talking. A dinner date provides no choices. It's a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost immediately. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that many of us are getting worse at having in-person conversations. Spending so much time online has improved our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in- person communication skills. Therefore, if we are getting worse at getting in-person conversations, why would you bet your entire love life on the fact that you'll be able to have an amazing in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I was holding on to a little ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet above the floor like a giant cat toy. My fingers began to sweat and I knew that I couldn't hold on to the ledge much longer. "O well," I thought,"this will be a great bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I expected the sharp jolt of the rope in my climbing harness. But there was no jolt. I began falling for what felt like eternity. As it turns out, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope as I'd slipped off the ledge. She panicked and did not grab the rope until I had fallen 15 feet to what I was sure was my upcoming death. Eventually the rope eventually stopped and I felt a massive jolt, both emotionally and physically. "Okay this date might be a little too exciting," I thought. My entire dating career made a 180-degree turn once I started taking my dates on fun activities instead of dinners. I would take them to play tennis, rock climb, festivals, picnics at the beach, music shows, and everything in between. Some of these activities worked better than others. However, I found out that the most essential elements to a great date place could be distilled into three classes: Walkability -- Do we have to sit together or can we walk around? When you are walking, your landscape is

12. changing so you can pick up new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked man on rollerblades!" (It is San Francisco after all). Action -- Can we both do the action reasonably well? I've seen guys get this one pretty wrong. It's fun to teach someone something that you're passionate about, but be certain it is not too hard. Taking a woman rock climbing? Make sure she isn't afraid of heights first. Scalability -- Would the date grow or shrink in scale as needed? Having a terrific time? Great! Let's go get dessert! No chemistry? No issue, how can we end the date sooner? With these three criteria, I crafted a three date sequence which nearly doubled the amount of successful dates I went on. I know what you are thinking,"This guy took women out to the very same places like it was some sort of regimented assembly line?" No. This was my go-to sequence, but, based on interests, I'd substitute unique activities to keep the dates interesting. This was merely a template that simplified my decisions and decreased the cognitive load I was putting on my brain. So here is my perfect dating sequence: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks every Friday by the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the difficulties of inviting someone out to dinner is that everybody has different food preferences. Then (if you're a guy) you have to account for cost of meals. Off the grid solves this since there are over 20 distinct types of (affordable) cuisine. Additionally, it allows you to walk around, people watch, and get drinks. Feel like going all out? Queue the awkward white-boy dance moves. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a few go-tos, specifically: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the beach. Why I like it: What these activities had in common were the 3 variables: walkability, action, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, grab cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favorite bar, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we can alternate between talking and activity. Date #3 -- Cal Academy Adult Night: An adult-only night in the Cal Academy of Sciences where you can grab drinks and look at exhibits. Why I like it: This date was particularly important because if a woman had made it to date #3, it meant I really liked her. Additionally, it meant we might take the connection to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, also it was a semi-formal occasion so we can both dress nicely for that particular night. This was also my secret evaluation because if a woman did not like facts and science it probably would not work out between us anyway. Listen to all the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are just three examples of how to take online dating offline and make a reasonably successful dating arrangement. Here are a few tips on what to look for on each date as you attempt to make your own dating

13. sequence: Date #1: Search for a casual environment that isn't intimidating. Dark bars or loud places don't make for good conversation. Be sure that you can reliably visit this place, so avoid places with long waits or where you will need to make reservations. Ensure you can schedule the date for a weeknight (try to not book someone's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You have broken the ice and you've both agreed to another date, so have fun with this one! Select an activity you'll both like that isn't too tricky. Avoid intimidating actions like karaoke, group sports, or water skiing. Ideally choose an activity that has a cadence in which you alternate between doing something and talking. Going on a 10 mile run is fantastic for exercise, but it doesn't allow for conversation. Watching a movie at a movie theater has similar limitations. Date #3: You both confirmed you like each other, it's time to take it to another level. Try to make this date a bit more special than the first two. It needs to be romantic, it should test how compatible you both really are, and it ought to confirm whether or not you want to keep on seeing each other long term. After the excitement of dates and two, there may be a lull in date 3, so make sure whatever you select provides new intimacy to the relationship. By way of instance, if I did not visit the Cal Academy I'd go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Obtaining your Timing Right maybe one of the most crucial pieces of the online dating mystery that I see guys screw up again and again is time. Assuming the man is the one forcing the dating sequence (which isn't always the case) there are a few questions you need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? When should you go for the kiss? Here I'll share my answers to these questions that I've found most useful. But again, depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort your answers may vary. I'll share my experience (as a heterosexual man living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The important thing is to actually think about timing, rather than leaving it up to"feeling" Going from Online to Offline It's quite easy to let a great online conversation die out. You message , she messages youback and forth, back and forth. To be able to make sure I don't waste all my time with internet conversations I found it was best to ask a girl to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or about 20 minutes of constant conversation. Again, try not to linger at the safe-space of the digital world too long. It may feel like it's necessary, but it is very easy to waste plenty of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 once I was 25, functioning as"the new man" in a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales staff. One thing I discovered is that each and every time they were finishing a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week after that? O that's no great also. Okay how about the week then?" Regardless of what the prospect said, the salesperson would insist on at least"penciling" another meeting into the calendar with the option of cancelling if needed. When I took this technique and applied it to dating, it led to a pretty incredible results. This rule is somewhat

14. contrarian, but it's worked really well: Always ask for the next date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you're putting yourself out there. You are opening yourself up to strangers and in return you are getting a lot of uncertainty. Nobody likes uncertainty. No one likes to look at their phone every hour to determine if you've texted them or not. Nobody likes to wonder if you like them or not. Surprisingly, most individuals don't mind if you do not like them, they just want to know. So my suggestion is to stop playing games, both with another person and with yourself. If you like them, tell them you like them. If you don't, have the respect to let them know you do not. (A gentle means to do this is by telling them that you aren't ready to date right now. I had a woman tell me this and it was the easiest let down I've ever experienced and used it later myself too). I must pause here for one caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not always. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get very excited by the person they've just met and then they proceed to text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day. Stop Chasing Shadows When I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He told me,"Women are like shadows, the more you chase them, the longer they run away. The more you run away, the more they chase you." If you find someone who you would like to be with really badly, don't frighten them away by being obsessive. If they like you as well, there is no need to chase them. Yes, you should consciously try to set up a date, but there's no reason to go on dates each and every night of the week. Permit the relationship to have some breathing room. A fantastic way to judge whether a relationship is going well is if you end up missing the other person and vice versa. There's a lot of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there is even scientific proof for it also. In a number of studies, anthropologists have discovered that many primates invest more effort into a relationships if the people in that connection have been forced apart. What is interesting is that researchers in the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same is true in humans.

15. By data mining mobile phone records and comparing call patterns and duration, the researchers at the university found that people may also invest more effort into relationships if there is a probability of that connection weakening. I tried applying this research to relationship in a relatively simple way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse in between dates, ironically, makes the relationship strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship that I found worked pretty well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- factor This sequence meant that I'd spread out the first 3 dates across a 1 month period. This allowed for enough time for the connection to grow and helped me make sure I did not suffocate my dates, which was especially helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the beginning of the post, these dating approaches helped me tremendously, but based upon your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process may have to be different than the one above. The important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from relationship. In actuality, because relationship is such an emotional activity (like job hunting), it's imperative to have a system in place to assist you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you are getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on a real rollercoaster, it would be foolish to just hop on and continue. Making sure you have that lap belt secured and that you have been on a few less extreme rides will allow you to enjoy the ride a good deal more. As we often discuss about the podcast, when you let go of expectations and just make your goal just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Similar to the advice of world wide investors, you need to diversify your portfolio and decrease your risk of catastrophic failure. A means of doing that is by going on dates which are not just sit-down dinners, so that no matter how your dating partner behaves, at least you will have a good time doing something interesting. And, to minimize the risk, you should build both an outreach and relationship sequence so that you decrease the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Find a few activities you enjoy doing and then fit the dates into these activities. This is also a great way to filter out people that aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long term. Of course, regardless of how well I did all of the above items, I still had my share of terrible dates. The woman who used me as a meal plan being just one of several. Dating is a rollercoaster that will frighten you, challenge you, and sometimes make you wish you had never gotten on. But bear in mind, once you're feeling down and like giving up on love altogether:

16. "You are not as bad as they say you are, you're also not as good as you think you are." Take each date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you constantly work on yourself, improving your conversations, your dates, and your connection with other people, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. Until then, strap in and enjoy the ride. If you enjoyed this post, I'd super appreciate if you hit the green hand clap button below to ensure that more folks can find it. And, if you've any more questions about relationship, hear our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the display.