Parenting 101. Finally, a manual just for new parents! From burping & bathing, to choosing the perfect babysitter. Introduction. Parents have the most important job in the world!
Finally, a manual just for new parents!
From burping & bathing, to choosing the perfect babysitter.
On the first day of a new job, you’re given a procedures manual which will help you solve any problems you may come across in that position. Why is it there is no such manual for becoming a parent?!
Take heart, “PARENTING 101: A CRASH COURSE FOR NEW PARENTS” is here to help you cope!
To raise a normal, bright, healthy, well-adjusted, independent, refined, clever, rational, sensitive, wise, reasonable, resourceful, thoughtful, perceptive, courteous, astute human being who will be an outstanding member of our society.
(Without making any mistakes)
You will be required to work 24 hour days, and you will be on call at night, on weekends, and during holidays.
You will be allowed one coffee break during the day somewhere between laundry, errands, meals, cleaning, phone calls, doctor visits, grocery shopping, budgeting and daily child care.
Your presence is critical in order for your domestic structure to continue in a smooth working order.
Absences are not tolerated well by household members and often result in pink laundry. You will be required to report to work during minor illnesses such as: the flu, common colds, PMS, and respiratory infections. Unless, you have an order from the U.S. Supreme Court, a physician’s report and an excuse from your husband you will be expected to report to work. However, in the event of a serious illness or injury you will be given the maximum time off – 2 days.
Time off will be granted under the following conditions: military leave, national guard reserve, your own death and jury duty. However, you will be required to give six months notice and you will be responsible for finding an appropriate replacement for your job.
Unlike the parents on TV you are not encouraged to wear formal clothing, including high heels, sequin dresses, suit and tie, while performing your duties. You should wear practical, comfortable clothing that will hold up well to the abuses of baby food, numerous baby body fluids and thousands of washings.
Vacations are mandatory; however, the word vacation may take on a new meaning. A vacation may be a trip to the grocery store all by yourself, a long, hot bath without the optional child, or a metal vacation to Hawaii, the Caribbean or Europe.
Your job cannot be measured monetarily. However, research has shown that if the average parent was paid for the various jobs they perform they are worth $40,000 a year. You will be paid thousands of times over that monetary amount with Kodak moments. Your bonus checks will be the most rewarding, those special times when only you can make it all better.
Object: To successfully hold your slippery, limp newborn with one hand and clean him with the other hand, while providing a secure environment.
(B) If your baby is a boy, quickly place a cloth over genital area.
(B) If baby has made a dirty diaper simply clean the area with diaper wipes.
Step 1: When diapering your newborn fold the diaper down and then tape it to keep the umbilicus dry.
Step 2: Use alcohol and cotton balls or Q-tips to clean around the umbilicus. Simply apply the alcohol to the cotton and squeeze the alcohol onto the umbilicus and then take a Q-tip and clean around the outer edges.
Step 3: Most new parents stop at step 2. You MUST proceed with step 3, You MUST lift up the umbilicus and clean UNDER it!!. Even when half of it is still attached and the other half is just hanging there, you, you must continue to clean it in this manner until it finally fall off, and then you are confronted with another problem. “What am I supposed to do with it?”
New parents often discover “tricks of the trade” while caring for their babies. Some of the more ingenious ideas were discovered by accident while others were the result of sheer desperation. Listed below are some creative ideas and helpful advice from peer parents.
With the proper combinations, you can make several DIFFERENT outfits!
New parents are supposed to get carried away with every little thing their baby does. Following are the most important developmental milestones. Be sure and compare your newborn to the chart to see if he is developing “normally.”
You have probably never considered how much it costs to raise a child until now. The following statistics will help you understand the true cost of child-rearing!
In 1960, to raise a child form birth to the age of 18 years old, with a middle class income cost: $27,323.
In 1990, to raise a child from birth to the age of 22 years old, with a family income of $50,000/yr cost: $265,249
In 2020, estimating using the same rate of acceleration from 1960 to 1990, (an increase of $7,930.87 per year) it will cost: $503,175.
When you become a mother, you have to learn how to take care of your new baby. You soon learn how to meet his needs just by the sound of his cry, and you continue meeting his needs 24 hours a day! It’s easy to lose yourself! You’ve got to learn to meet your needs too!
If you are taking time out for yourself, you will be a happier person, and if you’re a happier person you will be a better mother.
The laundry, dishes, nurturing, cleaning and all of the other activities are things you do, they are not you. Find something that you enjoy doing, make time for it, steal the time if you have to, and do it! If you don’t ……..you could turn into a MARTYR MOM!
Everyday living is crowded with all kinds of chores and activities. When you have children time seems to slip away more quickly. Before you know it the day is over and you haven’t accomplished as much as you wanted to. Following is the “ideal” parental clock; it shows how many hours are needed each day to get EVERYTHING done!!
As part of your education in parenting you must learn how to handle a variety of situations. The following will guide you through the most common of these:
There is not way that it can be 50% - 50% unless you are so wealthy that neither one of you have to work. In most families today both spouses work. But for the “lucky” new mothers who get to stay at home, they become the main caretakers.
- If yes, please list the dates, times, persons involved, what phase the moon was in, how old the children were, the parents’ names, addresses, occupations and yearly income.
- If yes, please list the dates you were enrolled, instructor’s name and phone number, your grade at the end of the course and what you ate prior to each class.
If yes, please supply a copy of you criminal record, including any and all speeding or parking tickets that you have received since birth.
Do you attend church on a regular basis? If yes, please quote LUKE 12:13-226. Are you presently employed? If so, for how long and who is your employer? Please provide us with last year’s income tax forms and W-2 statements.
Were you ever enlisted in the military? If yes, what branch of service and did you receive an honorable discharge?8. Are you now or have you ever been married? If you are divorced, please supply us with any and all court documents, including but not limited to property settlements, custody documents, child support or alimony payments, and divorce settlements.
9. Do you have your own transportation? If yes, please list the make, model, license #, driver’s license #, and how much you paid for your car at the time of purchase.10. Please list below, the members of your family, their occupations, and their yearly income.
Have you completed any courses in early childhood education? If yes, please list the courses taken.12. What do you charge for your services?
FOR PARENTS USE ONLY!(Please circle one)OVERALL APPEARANCE:(1) poor (2) fair (3) average (4) good (5) excellentPERSONALITY:(1) poor (2) fair (3) average (4) good (5) excellentMOTHERING CAPABILITIES:(1) poor (2) fair (3) average (4) good (5) excellent
(Oral Exercises for New Parents)
Congratulations, you have just become a parent! It may seem a little early, but you must start acting like a parent. All the things that you said you would NEVER say to your kids are locked away in your subconscious and, ready or not, they will come out!! With a little practice, you will start to sound like parents, maybe even YOUR parents!!
Read the list out loud.
Read the list again out loud with an increase in volume and tone.
Read the list out loud, with increased volume and tone, while adding the correct facial expression and body language.
NOTE: REPEAT THESE EXERCIES AS OFTEN AS NEEDED. IF AFTER PRACTICING YOU FEEL AS THOUGH YOU NEED ADDITIONAL TRAINING, TRY STANDING IN FRONT OF A MIRROR WHILE RECITING THEM.
I don’t care who started it, I’m gonna’ finish it!
Your room looks like a pig-sty!
Because I said so!
Just wait until you have kids!
I’m not asking you, I’m telling you!
I’m doing this for your own good.
If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.
I’m going to count to 10! 1… 2… 3….
How many times do I have to tell you?
Do you think I’m made out of money?!
If I told you once, I told you a thousand times!
“ARE YOU FIT TO BE A PARENT?”
___ 1. After feeding your baby, you should always toss him around to make sure the food is mixed properly with the stomach’s digestive juices.
___ 2. Your baby’s belly button usually fall off after his first birthday.
___ 4. Baby’s diaper should only be changed after it reaches the proper saturation level; the normal range is from five to ten pounds.
___ 6. Baby acne is caused most often by an abundance of chocolate in the baby’s diet.
___ 7. The soft-spot is located on the instep of the left foot which becomes red and swollen when the baby is hungry
___ 9. Umbilicus is a device used to measure the length of your newborn.
___ 10. The startle reflex is found in 90% of all new parents.
___ 1. If your baby’s belly-button (umbilicus) does not fall off after 14 days, you should
a) rush him to the emergency room immediately
b) turn it clockwise three times and say “There’s no place like gone”
c) turn it counterclockwise three times and say “There’s no place like gone
d) ask your doctor to check it.
a) at every diaper change
b) every two weeks
c) only on his birthday
d) none of the above
___ 3. When your baby is crying which of the following should you not do
a) check his diaper
b) every two-four days
c) every two-four weeks
d) every two-four months
a) with turpentine
b) with a sand blaster
c) with nail polish remover
d) with rubbing alcohol.
___ 6. You should burp your baby
a) after you change his diaper
b) when he wakes up from his nap
c) before he eats
d) after he eats
a) at birth
b) when he’s two days old
c) when he is two weeks old
d) none of the above
___8. The average baby uses
a) ten diapers a day
b) ten diapers a week
c) ten diapers a month
d) ten diapers a year.
a) your baby has the hiccups
b) your baby has a cold
c) your baby has an ear infection
d) nobody really knows what colic is!
___10. When bathing your newborn, you should always start with
a) the head and work down
b) the feet and work up
c) the hands and work in
d) the stomach and work out
NOTE: WE PURPOSELY WITHHELD THE ANSWERS SO THAT YOU WOULD NEED TO FIND THEM ON YOUR OWN!!
100-90 EXCELLENT – green flag, you may proceed in starting a family!
89-70 GOOD – borrow a real baby for one week, study hard and take the test again.
69-50 AVERAGE – borrow a real baby for one month, study hard, take the test again, and then proceed with caution.
49-30 POOR – Call Adopt-A-Pet and practice parenting skills on your new pet.
29-0 EXTREMELY POOR – PLEASE buy a stuffed animal or check out a video that just shows a baby and pretend it’s yours!
Have successfully completed a course in
PARENTING 101: A CRASH COURSE
FOR NEW PARENTS
WARRANTY AND RESTRICTIONS: The completion of this course in no way guarantees against or prevents parental error, may lead to the development of spoiled brats or future “teenagers from hell”. The creators of this course can not be held liable for any of the undesirable results listed above.