Helen Shin Principal Education Specialist Foster/Adoptive Parent Training Project

1. Creating Sibling Harmony Helen Shin Principal Education Specialist Foster/Adoptive Parent Training Project CDHS/ICHP/SUNY Buffalo 61 Broadway 3rd Fl, NY NY 10006 Shinh@buffalostate.edu

3. HELPING SIBLINGS DEAL WITH THEIR FEELINGS ABOUT EACH OTHER CHILD: I’m gonna kill him! He took my new video game! With words that identify feeling “You sound furious” or With wishes “You wish he’d ask before using your things” or With creative or symbolic activity “How do you feel about making a sign that says private property and taping it on the game?” CHILDREN NEED TO HAVE THEIR HURTFUL ACTIONS STOPPED “Hold it! People are not for hurting.” AND TO BE SHOWN HOW TO DISCHARGE ANGRY FEELINGS ACCEPTABLY “Tell him with words how angry you are. Tell him ‘I don’t want my video game used without my permission’”

4. RESIST THE URGE TO COMPARE Instead of comparing one child unfavorably to another (why can’t you hang up your clothes like your brother?), speak to the child only about he behavior that displeases you. Describe what you see “I see a brand new jacket on the floor!” or Describe what you feel “That bothers me” or Describe what you needs to be done “This jacket belongs in the closet” Instead of comparing one child favorably to another (You are so much neater than your brother), speak only about the behavior that pleases you. Describe what you see “I see you hung up your jacket!” or Describe what you feel “I appreciate that. I like seeing our hallway looking neat”

5. TREATING CHILDREN INDIVIDUALLY, NOT EQUALLY Instead of giving equal AMOUNT “Here, now you have just as many grapes as your sister.” Give according to individual need “Do you want a few grapes or a big bunch?” Instead of giving equal TIME “After I’ve spent 10 minutes with you sister, I’ll spend 10 minutes with you.” Give time according to need “I know I’m spending a lot of time going over your sister’s homework. As soon as I’m finished, I want to hear what’s important to you.” Instead of showing equal LOVE “I love you the same as your sister” Show the child he/she is loved uniquely “You are the only “you” in this whole wide world. No one could ever take your place.”

6. How To Encourage Sharing Voluntarily We want our children to experience the pleasure and goodwill that comes from voluntary giving. Making children share, however, only makes them clutch their possessions more tightly. Forced sharing undermines goodwill. 1. By putting children in charge of the sharing “Kids I bought one bottle of bubble soap for every one. What’s the best way to share it?” “Well it’s your dress and your decision. But if you want to work something out with your sister that would be between the two of you.” 2. By pointing out the advantages of sharing “If you give her half of your red crayon, and she gives you half of her blue crayon, you will both be able to make purple.” 3. By allowing time for inner process “Lisa will let you know when she’s ready to share” 4. By showing appreciation for sharing when it occurs spontaneously “Thank you for giving me a bit of your cookie. It was delicious.” 5. By modeling sharing yourself. “Here, have a bite of my cookie. It’s delicious.”

7. INCREASING THE GOOD TIMES Siblings need a lot of experience having good times together so that when the conflicts and fights come, as they will, they both have the memory of a positive relationship they want to get back to. • Remind Them They Were Having Fun: When the kids are running through the house and the big one accidentally crashes into the little one, and the little one comes crying to you, “Tony knocked me down.” You can say, “oh no! You didn’t want that to happen! You two were having so much fun together”. This can help both of them to recoup faster and remind them of their good relationship. • Let Them Hear You Talk About the Good Times: Let them overhear you talk about the fun things they do when they are together. You can tell the other parent, “Do you know what Danny taught Sam today? He showed him how to jump from the stool to the beanbag chair! Then Sam had the idea of hiding under the beanbag chair and pretend to be a turtle!” • Don’t Rush to Referee: When you hear fighting between children, try not to always run in right away. You can call out “I hear crying. Do you need help or can you work it out yourselves?” They know that you are there to help if they ask for it, but that you have faith in their ability to work out a solution. Even if you have to intervene every time, the children have at least been encouraged to consider working it out themselves. 4. Limit Contests: Avoid pitting young children against each other e.g. “who can be the first to get dressed?” or ‘Who can be the first to put away her toys?”. Make them work as a team. The contest can be about the two of them beating the clock instead of each other. Then whether they beat the clock or not you say “boy, you two are a great team!”

8. INCREASING THE GOOD TIMES (continued) 5. Special Time: Make sure each child gets some time alone with you several times a week. This one-on-one connection provides the emotional nourishment Children need to be more caring or at the very least more tolerant of their siblings. 7. Don’t get trapped by togetherness: For some children the pressure of having to spend long stretches of time with each other can put additional stress on an already strained relationship. Give them some breathing space. How have you done this?  8. Tattle-Tell on Good Feelings: Let each child know what it is about him that his siblings like or admire. Often your children have no idea that there’s any admiration or affection that one has for the other. Just knowing about a sibling’s positive feelings can make for a big shift in a relationship.