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1. THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: Tips, tricks, and manipulations to navigate the pains and pitfalls I looked at her and then looked at the dinner bill. She looked me directly in the eyes and smiled. Again, I looked at her and then looked at the bill. Still, no response. At this time I imagined picking up the bill and slapping her across the face with it as hard as I could. It definitely wasn't my best moment, but it was not hers either. Apparently, as I discovered later, I had fallen into a trap called"the meal program." The meal program, if you're unfamiliar with it, is when girls go on dates with guys merely to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she definitely fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all of the dates I had gone until there: all 37 dates to be exact. How could women take advantage of me like that? Especially since I was being so vulnerable by putting myself out there to ask them out in the first place. As I matured in my internet relationship, however, I understood that this was actually a response for what men do to women. Online dating sucks, but... There are three significant levers in our lives which, if we pull on them properly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships can be the difference between depression and elation. I discovered this first hand because in the past five years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at the same time. I quit the career I had been building for over 7 years and I left my 10-year relationship with my girlfriend who I thought I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and relationship novice. After 9 months of misery and frustration I was going to give up on online dating all together. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene activated and a small voice in my head said,"you're going to give up? No, no you are not. You're going to kick online dating's ass!"

2. I began to channel my misery into anger, and my anger into determination. I started to approach online dating just like one big experiment. I started creating what I called,"The Process." In this blog post I will take you through the whole process I took to learn online dating. From optimizing your profile, A/B analyzing your descriptions, starting meaningful conversations, as well as crafting interesting dates. We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so that you can not only get dates, but maybe find the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I must preface that depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process might have to be different than the under. However, the important takeaway here is to pull back the feelings that come from dating and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I will go meet interesting people and do interesting things," you'll be more likely to enjoy the procedure. And, if you are diligent, you might end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I have been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 years and we've moved in together. So maybe these strategies aren't all that crazy, but maybe they are, I will leave it for you to judge. Listen to the Modern Dating Show Podcast for more tips, tricks, and embarrassingly real stories. Notice: You can also listen to the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a whole lot of these approaches as we navigate the present struggles and embarrassments of his own relationship trip (and answer listener questions). The complete most frequent error I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is they don't define their target clearly. Deep down inside, most of us know whether we are looking for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario I've found is that both women and men that are searching for a meaningful relationship are optimizing their dating for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with internet dating, she asked me to assist her with her OKCupid profile. She is an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' quite beautiful, a real 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she'd need my help. The photos I saw in her profile looked like they belonged more on thechive.com rather than on any dating website. Basically, so as to optimize for receiving dates, Maddy had chosen to just include her most provocative photos. Now I want to be clear, there's nothing wrong with girls having"promiscuous" photos online. The problem, in the event of dating, is the arrangement of a relationship and what you lead with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to pick up on visual cues much faster than written clues. In actuality, they've found that men who are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles conceal most information aside from the profile photo before a user clicks, leading with provocative photographs sets a poor first impression. So, while it's totally fine to have hot photos up in your instagram, leading with them on your online dating profile is sending signals that could be attracting the wrong sort of guy. There are also plenty of classy ways to possess

3. interesting pictures that speak to more than just the unconscious brain. Internet Dating pictures can be both classy and intriguing So, although Maddy was trying to locate a relationship, her photos were sending signals that she's looking for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag guys filling up her inbox. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 4 For men, we tend to have the opposite issue. Every man who has done online dating will attest to the battle of getting a woman to swipe right on their profile, let alone to get them to participate in a conversation. Men, this is entirely your fault. I've seen men spend hours talking about the numbers of their favorite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, and even how financial reports will effect the team's chances. However, when it comes to online dating, men have a tendency to slap a few pictures in their profile and then start swiping like orangutans till their fingers develop calluses. Guys, stop. Before you begin creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you're trying to attain. Are you trying to date a lot of people? Or are you trying to find a meaningful relationship? And"both" is not an answer. As the saying goes... "If you try to appeal to everyone, you will interest no one." The techniques I'll outline below work for either desired result, but the choices you make will significantly affect your"conversion" rate. By way of instance, the first time I mastered everything in this procedure, I started going on a great deal of dates (3--4 per week, weekly ), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I only realized months later that, while it's great to go on a lot of dates and get practice relationship (remember I had been off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to be sure I was dating the right people. Fortunately I realized this before I was the victim of any more"meal programs " STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile images and descriptions First impressions matter. According to a study from Princeton, it is estimated that in any relationship, whether its work or social, we make

4. our mind up about whether we like the person in less than 1 second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is the first impression you make is based solely on your profile picture. They don't get to hear you talk. They don't get to shake your hand. They don't get to smell you (it's a thing). All you get is one picture and there's a 99% chance it is the wrong one. If one is coming online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to test is the profile picture. I first started this process in a very unscientific way... One hundred, and I mean 100% of these said that my first picture wasn't my best. It was interesting feedback, but I was not certain how I could test numerous pictures considering I could only put one as the default option. The answer: testing across apps. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, along with the dreaded Tindr. I kept my profile description the exact same on each profile, but I set up a different profile image on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles before I could find a big enough sample size and make certain that the platform was not effecting results. Four of my actual dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture that I thought was my best was always the one with the least matches. Interestingly enough, a film I did not read much into, pic B, was really a massive turn off for pretty much 100 percent of women. I was shocked when I found out this, because the two girls in that photo are really good friends of mine, so I never would have made that connection. Sometimes your photographs can be your biggest blind spot. To completely test out this idea, I really enrolled a few friends (both men and women) to the experiment and had them change out their profile pictures. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 2 This is a super simple optimization that may seem like a pain now, but it is going to save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20% of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them frequently. Top Tip: If you want to speed this process up, you can actually ask your games exactly what they think of your pictures. If a conversation with a match was not going well, I decided to get some"user comments" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photos she thought was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I was not getting jobs.)

5. Descriptions are negotiable Now, a part of this error might be my fault, since I took his advice quite literally. I began to speak my mind, dress how I wanted to dress, and behave how I wanted to act. This turned out to be a very bad idea. With no filter or idea behind my actions, I rubbed more than a few people the wrong way. Now that I've matured a bit, I have come to understand that there is a difference between being your total self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we're never our complete selves except when we are by ourselves. Seth Godin has a wonderful podcast on"signals," which you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we knowingly choose which signals to give to other men and women. A guy wearing a button up top, as an instance, isn't necessarily wealthy, but the button up top is putting out the sign that he's wealthy. Much like someone who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is indicating she does not wish to follow society's rules, the guy in the button up shirt is indicating that he is okay with following convention. Signals matter. In college I met a girl at a party who immediately caught my eye. I approached her and we immediately hit off. We spent the entire party flirting and dancing. We made plans to have a lunch date in the college cafeteria later that week. I got to the cafeteria early and decided to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a girl walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed all in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace around her neck. At first I did not even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we began talking. I was that guy. I didn't care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized we had practically nothing in common. The outfit she'd used as a signal at the party didn't match her personality at all. We ended the date cordially and moved on. Choosing your signals is good, but choosing false signals not so much. You do not need to lie, but you also don't want to be your complete self. You need to tell them about how you collect classic records, you do not need to let them know about the way you cry every time a U2 song comes on. You want to tell them about how you volunteer at the animal shelter, you don't need to let them know about how you ran over your cat. Crafting a good description is perhaps the toughest and personal piece of improving your online dating profile. There's no ideal answer, but there are definitely some wrong answers. The first step to getting a good dating profile description is having a clear structure.

6. I break down a relationship profile description into 3 parts: Headline: A short sentence someone can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A bit longer description that provides some colour to your interests and personality. Call to Action: A desirable action you want them to take. Internet dating is inherently awkward, so help the other person by letting them know something that you two can talk about. Ladies this is especially true for you. If you don't want guys messaging you"hello" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to begin the conversation with. The Headline Unfortunately, people tend to surf internet dating programs the way they surf social media sites: quickly and without much thought. It could be, in fact, that mobile devices have trained us to surf everything in a similar manner. Due to this, I think the headline is possibly the most important bit of your description and you should try different variations until you find one that works for you. After a lot of testing I found that this one worked best for me: The goal of the headline is to provide a quick snapshot of Home page what's unique about you. Having a headline that's authentic, interesting, and brief functions like a stop sign for the individual who's scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their cell phone. If you ask any top-performing marketer,"how do I create content that will be successful?" It is likely that they'll laugh at the question. As any solid content marketer knows, terrific content is all about respecting the medium that you are creating the content for. For instance, if I went up to a woman in a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active," she'll definitely get up and leave. The opposite is true for online relationship, however. You want your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or one sentence, and make sure that it is quintessentially you. After that initial curiosity is peaked, you can start paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This is not the time to compose a book about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this individual, your picture and headline being the first two. The intro paragraph provides a small amount of color and possibly some talking points that you can discuss in conversation (again, ladies, this is extremely important to include if you would like to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph which worked best for me was: "I love being outdoors as much as you can! Some of my favourite things are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I'm a creative at heart but I love learning about new and businesses ideas. I am into photography, design, and Tim Ferriss.

7. My ideal Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a good book at Promenade cafe." This paragraph outlines a couple of basic activities and hobbies I enjoy as well as some non-standard things like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The main thing to remember about this section is to avoid the generic actions that could apply to pretty much anybody. I can not tell you how many profiles I've seen that list things like: "I enjoy hanging out with friends, watching movies, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I am sure that there are people in the world who don't like watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95 percent or more of the people in your area enjoy both those things too. Rather than attempting to fit in, attempt to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so it's possible to discover common ground, but also things which are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Most people like being outside and photography. -- Some people like surfing, climbing, and volleyball. -- But very few people like learning about businesses or Tim Ferriss. The Call To Action This is optional, although it certainly helps. In advertising, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they've viewed your content. In dating, you basically need the person to message you. This sounds like a no brainer, but I have found that a lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they finally become discouraged from making initial contact. I've heard countless stories of girls who have paired with a man who they really like, but the man never messages them. When I ask them why they don't message first, it is said that they don't know what to say or they don't want to seem desperate. Butobviously you don't want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have an individual section that says: My CTA goes as follows: "You should message me if you are an interesting person who likes to play outdoors." Again, as with this advice, when in doubt just check it out. Try using a call to action and see whether your conversations improve. When they don't, simply delete it. The attractiveness of dating apps is that instead of having 1--5 opportunities to make a connection, as you would

8. if you went to a bar for example, you have thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making first talking and contact where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" dating is when it comes to the conversation. Having to chat online as your initial conversation is a massive limitation when you are trying to start a new relationship. For starters, it is a very unnatural method of communicating, because it's been proven that we receive 55 percent of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communication. It makes sense then that when you take millions of people and set them in an unnatural communication environment you get some fairly unnatural conversations. While it might be fun to play around with weird conversation openers, if you are serious about finding a fantastic relationship through online relationship, then it's a good idea to research your results a little bit. This gave me the chance to start testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I just would not have been able to see if I did not have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I will spare you some of the terrible ideas I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's examine how well you can judge a fantastic opener from a poor one. A) "Hey! How's it going?" How was your weekend?" C) "Question: Batman or Superman?" (or any other variation of the sort of question). (based on a book they listed in their profile) I'll let you consider it for a second. (I'll add some distance before the answer below. Scroll once you're ready.) Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer And the answer is...

9. If you guessed D, then you chose the best answer! (If you guessed C, you picked the worst answer.) In order of best to worst, the answers are B, D, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to any conversation starter. While I found the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X book," that obviously depends if they have put a book in their profile. You can modify this to ask about some other part of the profile, like a movie or a place in their pictures. The reason I guess the book one works best though is because a) it shows you really read their profile and b) it shows that you read. If I can use the book opener to start a conversation I usually also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x book? I am now reading'Losing my Virginity' by Richard Branson and highly recommend it!" (This is how I opened the dialogue with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I started with this opener felt a lot more natural and went past a few messages. The next best choice,"Hey! How was your weekend?" Works nearly as well, but it's obviously limited to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be strange if you used this on a Friday). Have any fun plans for the weekend?" This worked pretty well, but not nearly as well. I suspect it's because it sounds too much like I am going to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think of something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you've made contact and another person has responded, it is time to have a dialogue. Every conversation varies, but there are a few guidelines that I will put in here as suggestions. First, some online dating suggestions for guys: DON'T try to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can not tell you the number of messages my female friends have shown me that sound objectively psychotic. The sad thing is I know that the man is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation like you want a friend. DO try to talk about things she is interested in but also add your own thoughts. Among the most common complaints I have heard from female friends is they feel like they're being interviewed. Make certain that you ask questions, but that you also share things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her appearance or body. Irrespective of how well intentioned you are, it'll be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you're so beautiful! You've got a cute smile! You are..." will only lead to a polite"thank you" and won't create meaningful conversation. Now, a few online dating suggestions for girls:

10. DO be nice and help guide the conversation. Even when I have tried to be nice and friendly, I have still received quite curt or standoff-ish responses. No matter how much men pretend that they don't care about the conversation, they do. And they usually don't have any clue what they are doing, so offer them some help and direct the conversation in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking some of your own. If you're tired of conversations feeling like interviews, then make sure to ask the man about things he is interested in as well. DON'T make judgments too soon. In my experience women tend to put a lot more thought in their text messages than men do. If a guy says something that looks weird or strange, give him the benefit of the doubt and do not read too much into it, chances are he did not either. Now a proposal for the two parties: Attempt to move the conversation from online to in real life relatively fast. Online dating is a great tool to meet someone, but it's just that. It's a tool, it isn't actual dating. My general recommendation for moving from online to in real life is either one long conversation or two short conversations. It should never take more than a week to establish a date. Thus, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have started talking about having a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the apps, but also get them off quickly. In real life is a lot more fun too if you know how to set up great dates... Step 4 -- Making a date sequence that will cause you to smile more and sweat less Once I had mastered the online part of relationship, I soon realized that securing the date is only half the battle. The second half of this battle, how well the date goes, is largely determined before you have even set out from your residence. Where you have your date determines about 50--70 percent of the results of the date. But a question... Where is the worst place to have a date? As it happens, it's actually at the most frequently selected dating place: A sit-down restaurant. At first I was taking all of my dates to restaurants for dinner. Boring, I know. But remember, I was completely new to dating so I was only following what I'd seen in movies. Most of them didn't go well, but I was not sure why. After a dozen or so awkward (and pricey ) dates, I determined that I need to experiment with several other locations.

11. What occurred next was absolutely mind blowing. It wasn't I was doing anything differently or that I had been picking better women to go on dates with, it was simply a matter of context. Here's why I believe dinner dates do not work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger out a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a table. You start speaking, then the waiter interrupts asking about drinks. You choose beverages. You continue to talking. The waiter interrupts again to your food order. You are not ready to order because you've been talking. The waiter provides you"another moment." You look at the menu making comments about the choices. The waiter comes back ten minutes later. You order food. You continue talking. Then you run out of things to talk about. What do you do next? You need to keep talking. A dinner date provides no options. It's a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost instantly. This problem is exacerbated by the fact that many of us are getting worse at having in-person conversations. Spending so much time online has improved our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in- house communication abilities. So, if we're getting worse at having in-person discussions, why would you bet your whole love life on the fact that you'll be able to have an amazing in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I was holding on to a small ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet over the floor like a giant cat toy. "O well," I thought,"this will be a great bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I anticipated the sharp shock of the rope on my climbing harness. But there was no jolt. I began falling for what felt like eternity. As it happens, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope just as I'd slipped off the ledge. She panicked and did not catch the rope until I had fallen 15 feet to what I was sure was my forthcoming death. Finally the rope eventually stopped and I felt a massive jolt, both emotionally and physically. My whole dating career made a 180-degree turn when I started carrying my dates on fun activities rather than dinners. I would take them to play tennis, rock climb, festivals, picnics at the beach, music shows, and everything in between. Some of these activities worked better than others. But I found out that the most essential elements to a wonderful date spot could be distilled into three classes: Walkability -- Do we have to sit together or can we walk around? When you're walking, your landscape is changing so that you can grab new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked man on rollerblades!" Activity -- Can we do the action reasonably well? I've seen men get this one pretty wrong. It's fun to teach someone something that you're passionate about, but be sure it's not too hard. Taking a woman rock climbing? Make sure she is not afraid of heights first. Scalability -- Would the date increase or shrink in scale as needed? Having a great time? Great! Let's go get dessert! No chemistry? No problem, how do we end the date earlier?

12. With these three criteria, I crafted a 3 date sequence which nearly doubled the amount of successful dates I went on. I know what you're thinking,"This man took women out to the same areas like it was some sort of regimented assembly line?" No. This was my go-to order, but, depending on interests, I would substitute unique activities to keep the dates intriguing. This was simply a template which simplified my decisions and decreased the cognitive load I was putting on my brain. Happy brain = Happy dates. So here's my ideal dating sequence: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks every Friday from the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the problems of inviting someone out to dinner is that everybody has different food tastes. Then (if you are a man ) you've got to account for cost of food. Off the grid accomplishes this because there are over 20 distinct types of (affordable) cuisine. It also lets you walk around, people watch, and get drinks. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could vary based on interests but I had a couple of go-tos, namely: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the shore. Why I like it: What these actions had in common were the 3 variables: walkability, activity, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, grab cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favourite bar, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we could alternate between talking and activity. Date #3 -- Cal Academy Adult Night: An adult-only night in the Cal Academy of Sciences where you can grab drinks and look at exhibits. Why I like it: This date was especially important because if a woman had made it to date #3, it meant I actually liked her. It also meant we might take the connection to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, also it was a semi-formal occasion so we could both dress nicely for that particular night. This was also my secret evaluation because if a woman did not like science and facts it likely would not work out between us anyway. As an added bonus, it was also a 20-min walk from my place, so that helped with the"scalability" of the evening. Listen to each of the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are just three examples of how to take online dating offline and create a reasonably successful dating sequence. Here are a few ideas on what to search for on every date as you try to create your own dating arrangement: Date #1: Look for a casual environment that is not intimidating. Dark bars or loud places do not make for good conversation. Be sure that you can reliably go to this area, so avoid places with long waits or where you will need to make reservations. Make sure you are able to schedule the date for a weeknight (try not to book someone's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You've broken the ice and you have both agreed to another date, so have fun with this one! Select an activity you will both like that isn't too tricky. Ideally choose an activity that has a cadence where you alternate between doing something and talking. Going on a 10 mile run is fantastic for exercise, but it does not allow for

13. conversation. Watching a movie at a movie theater has similar limits. Date #3: You both confirmed you like each other, it's time to take it to another level. Try to make this date a little more special than the first two. It needs to be romantic, it should test how compatible you both really are, and it should confirm whether you want to continue seeing each other long term. After the excitement of dates one and two, there can be a lull in date 3, so make sure whatever you select provides new intimacy to the connection. By way of example, if I did not go to the Cal Academy I'd go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Obtaining your Timing Right maybe among the most crucial pieces of the internet dating mystery that I see guys screw up again and again is timing. Assuming the guy is the one driving the relationship sequence (which is not always the case) there are some questions you need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? When should you sleep together? Here I will share my answers to these questions that I've found most helpful. But again, depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort your answers may vary. I will share my experience (as a heterosexual male living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The main thing is to actually think about timing, as opposed to leaving it up to"feeling" Going from Online to Offline It is quite easy to let a great online conversation die out. You message , she messages you, back and forth, back and forth. In order to make sure I don't waste all my time with internet conversations I found that it was best to ask a girl to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or about 20 minutes of continuous conversation. Again, try not to linger in the safe-space of this virtual world too long. It may feel like it's necessary, but it is very easy to waste plenty of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 When I was 25, working as"the new guy" in a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales staff. Every day I overheard their sales calls where they would utilize their jedi mind tricks to close deals with multi-million dollar accounts. One thing that I noticed is that each and every time they were ending a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week then? O that's no good also. Okay how about the week then?" Regardless of what the prospect said, the salesperson would always insist on at least"penciling" another meeting to the calendar with the option of cancelling if desired. Once I took this technique and applied it to dating, it led to a pretty incredible results. This rule is a bit contrarian, but it has worked really well: Always request the next date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you are putting yourself out there. You're opening yourself up to strangers and in return you're getting plenty of uncertainty. Nobody likes uncertainty. No one likes to check their phone every hour to determine if you've texted them or not. Nobody likes to wonder if you like them or not. Surprisingly, most individuals do not mind if you do not like them, they just want to know.

14. So my suggestion is to quit playing games, both with the other person and with yourself. If you like them, tell them you like them. If you do not, have the respect to let them know you do not. (A gentle means to do this is by telling them that you are not prepared to date right now. I had a girl tell me this and it was the simplest let down I have ever experienced and utilized it later myself too). I must pause here for one caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not constantly. Nobody likes to be smothered or chased constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get very excited by the person they've just met and they then proceed to text them, call them, and see them day after day after day. He explained,"Girls are like shadows, the more you chase them, the longer they run away. The more you run away, the more they pursue you." If you discover someone who you would like to be with really poorly, don't frighten them away by being obsessive. If they like you as well, there is no need to chase them. Yes, you should actively try to set up a date, but there's no reason to go on dates each and every night of the week. Allow the relationship to have some breathing room. A fantastic way to judge whether a relationship is going well is if you find yourself missing the other person and vice versa. There's a great deal of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there's even scientific evidence for it as well. In a number of studies, anthropologists have found that lots of primates invest more effort into a relationships if the individuals in that connection have been forced apart. What is interesting is that researchers at the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same is true in humans. By data mining mobile phone records and comparing call patterns and length, the researchers at the university found that people may also invest more effort into relationships when there is a risk of that connection weakening. I tried applying this research to dating in a relatively simple way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse in between dates, paradoxically, makes the relationship strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship that I found worked pretty well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- factor This sequence meant that I would spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for sufficient time for the connection to mature and helped me make sure I did not suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them.

15. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the beginning of the post, these relationship approaches helped me tremendously, but depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process might have to be different than the one above. The important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come out of relationship. In fact, because dating is such an emotional activity (similar to job hunting), it's imperative to have a system in place that will assist you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you're getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on a real rollercoaster, it would be foolish to just hop on and continue. Making certain you have that lap belt secured and that you've been on a few less intense rides can help you enjoy the ride a whole lot more. Perhaps the single most important point to keep in mind though is to let go of expectations and treat the process like an experiment. As we frequently discuss on the podcast, when you let go of expectations and only create your goal just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Like the advice of world wide investors, you want to diversify your portfolio and minimize your risk of catastrophic failure. A means of doing this is by going on dates which aren't only sit-down dinners, so that no matter how your dating partner behaves, at least you'll have a fantastic time doing something fun. And, to minimize the risk, you need to build both an outreach and dating sequence so that you decrease the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Locate a few activities you enjoy doing and then fit the dates into these activities. This is also a great way to filter out people who aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long run. Of course, regardless of how well I did all the above things, I still had my share of terrible dates. The girl who used me as a meal program being just one of many. Dating is a rollercoaster that will frighten you, challenge you, and sometimes make you wish you had never gotten on. But bear in mind, once you're feeling down and like giving up on love altogether: "You're not as bad as they say you are, you're also not as good as you think you are." Take every date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you constantly work on your own, improving your conversations, your dates, and your relationship with other people, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. If you enjoyed this post, I would super appreciate if you hit the green hand clap button below to ensure that more folks can find it. And, if you have any more questions about dating, hear our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the show.