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Our brains have evolved over centuries to intuitively pick up on visual cues much faster than written clues. In actuality, they have found that men who are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by without even activating their conscious brain.
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She looked me directly in the eyes and smiled. Still, no reply. It definitely was not my best moment, but it was not hers either. Apparently, as I discovered later, I had fallen into a trap called"the meal program." The meal program, if you're unfamiliar with it, is when women go on dates with guys merely to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she certainly fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all of the dates I had gone until that point: all 37 dates to be exact. How could women take advantage of me like that? As I matured in my internet relationship, however, I understood that this was actually a response for what men do to women. There are 3 major levers in our lives that, if we pull them properly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships can be the difference between depression and elation. I discovered this firsthand because in the past five years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at the same time. I stopped the career I had been building for more than 7 years and I left my 10-year connection with my girlfriend that I thought I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and dating novice. I was scarred. One dayI was sitting in the shower feeling sorry for myself for over an hour. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene activated and a small voice in my head said,"you are going to give up? No, no you're not. You are going to kick online dating's ass!" I started to channel my misery into anger, and my anger into determination. I started to approach online dating just like one big experiment. I started creating what I called,"The Process." In this blog post I will take you through the whole process I chose to master online dating. From optimizing your profile, A/B analyzing your descriptions, starting meaningful conversations, and even crafting interesting dates. We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so that you can't only get dates, but possibly find the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I must preface that based on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process might need to be different than the below. But, the important takeaway here is to pull back the feelings that come from dating and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I'm going to go meet fascinating people and do interesting things," you'll be much more inclined to enjoy the procedure. And, if you're diligent, you may end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I've been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 decades and we have moved in together. So maybe these strategies are not all that crazy, but perhaps they are, I'll leave it for you to judge. Note: You can also hear the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a whole lot of these
approaches as we browse the present struggles and embarrassments of his own relationship trip (and answer listener questions). The complete most frequent error I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is that they don't define their target clearly. Deep down inside, most of us know whether we are searching for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario I've found is that both women and men who are searching for a meaningful relationship are optimizing their relationship for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with internet dating, she asked me to help her with her OKCupid profile. She's an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' quite beautiful, a true 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she would need my help. Basically, in order to maximize for receiving dates, Maddy had chosen to only include her most provocative photographs. Now I want to be clear, there's nothing wrong with girls having"promiscuous" photos online. The issue, in the case of dating, is the arrangement of a dating profile and what you contribute with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to pick up on visual cues much faster than written hints. In actuality, they've found that men that are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by without even activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles conceal most information aside from the profile photograph before a user clicks, leading with provocative photos sets a bad first impression. So, while it's totally fine to have hot photos up on your instagram, leading with them on your online dating profile is sending signals that could be attracting the wrong sort of guy. There are also lots of classy ways to possess interesting pictures that speak to more than just the unconscious brain. Online dating pictures can be both intriguing and classy So, although Maddy was trying to locate a relationship, her photos were only sending signals that she is looking for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag men filling up her inbox. Every guy who has done online dating will attest to the struggle of getting a woman to swipe right in their profile, let alone to get them to engage in a conversation. Guys, this is entirely your own fault. I have seen men spend hours talking about the statistics of their favorite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, and even how financial reports will influence the team's chances. But, when it comes to online dating, men tend to slap a few pictures in their profile and then begin swiping like orangutans till their palms develop calluses. Men, stop. Before you start creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you are trying to attain. Are you trying to date a great deal of people?
Or are you searching for a meaningful relationship? And"both" is not an answer. "If you try to appeal to everyone, you will appeal to no one." The techniques I will outline below work for either desired result, but the choices you make will significantly affect your"conversion" rate. For example, the first time I mastered everything in this procedure, I started going on a lot of dates (3--4 per week, weekly ), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I just realized months after that, while it is good to go on a great deal of dates and get practice dating (remember I had been off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to be sure I had been dating the right folks. Fortunately I realized this before I had been the victim of some more"meal programs " STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile images and descriptions First impressions matter. According to a study from Princeton, it is estimated that in any relationship, whether its social or work, we make our mind up about whether we like the person in less than 1 second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile picture. They do not get to hear you speak. They do not get to shake your hand. They do not get to smell you (it's a thing). All you get is 1 picture and there is a 99% chance it is the wrong one. If a person is approaching online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to check is your profile picture. I first started this process in a very unscientific way... One hundred, and I mean 100% of these said that my first picture was not my best. It was interesting feedback, but I was not certain how I could test numerous pictures considering I could only put one as the default option. The answer: testing across apps. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, along with the dreaded Tindr.
I retained my profile description the exact same on each profile, but I put up another profile picture on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles until I could get a large enough sample size and make certain that the platform wasn't effecting results. Four of my actual dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture which I thought was my best was always the one with the least matches. Interestingly enough, a film I did not read into, pic B, was actually a massive turn off for pretty much 100% of women. I was shocked when I found this out, because the two girls in that photo are actually good friends of mine, so I never would have made this connection. Sometimes your photos can be your biggest blind spot. To totally test out this idea, I really enrolled a couple of friends (both men and women) into the experiment and had them change their profile pictures. They got varied results, but one thing was consistent: the picture they thought was their best, never performed the best. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 2 This is a super simple optimization that may look to be a pain now, but it is going to save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20 percent of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them often. Top Tip: If you would like to speed this process up, you can actually ask your matches what they think of your own pictures. If a conversation with a match wasn't going well, I decided to at least get some"user comments" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photographs she thought was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I wasn't getting jobs.) Descriptions are negotiable Now, a part of the error may be my fault, because I took his advice quite literally. I started to speak my mind, dress how I wanted to dress, and act how I wished to act. This turned out to be a horrible idea. Without any filter or thought behind my actions, I rubbed more than a few people the wrong way. Now that I have matured a bit, I have come to realize that there's a difference between being your overall self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are never our complete selves except when we're by ourselves. Seth Godin has a great podcast on"signals," that you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we actively choose which signals to give to other people. A guy wearing a button up top, as an instance, is not always wealthy,
but the button up shirt is putting out the signal that he's wealthy. Much like a person who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is signaling she does not want to follow society's rules, the guy in the button up shirt is indicating that he is okay with following convention. Signals matter. In college I met a woman at a party who immediately caught my eye. She was wearing a summer dress, flower earrings, and looked very cute. I approached her and we instantly hit off. We spent the whole party flirting and dancing. We made plans to have a lunch date in the college cafeteria later that week. I got to the cafeteria early and chose to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a girl walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed all in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace round her neck. At first I did not even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was http://remingtongpcz320.jigsy.com/entries/general/14-businesses-doing-a-great-job-at-tinder-jak- zacz%C4%85%C4%87-rozmow%C4%99 my date. She sat down and we began talking. After some awkward conversation, she explained that her friends were sick of her being single so they'd dressed her up to be"cuter" for the party to attract a man. I was that man. I did not really care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized we had practically nothing in common. The outfit she'd used as a sign at the party didn't match her personality at all. We ended the date cordially and proceeded on. Choosing your signs is great, but picking false signals not so much. You do not want to lie, but you also don't want to be your total self. You want to tell them about how you collect vintage records, you do not want to let them know about how you cry every time a U2 song comes on. You need to tell them about the way you volunteer at the animal shelter, you don't want to tell them about how you ran over your cat. Crafting a good description is perhaps the toughest and personal bit of improving your online dating profile. There is no right answer, but there are definitely some wrong answers. The first step to having a great dating profile description is using a very clear structure. I break down a relationship profile description into 3 parts: Headline: A short sentence somebody can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A bit longer description that gives some color to your interests and character. Call to Action: A desired action you want them to take. Internet dating is inherently awkward, so help another person by letting them know something that you can talk about. Ladies this is particularly true for you. If you don't want guys messaging you"hello" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to start the conversation with.
The Headline Unfortunately, people tend to surf online dating programs the way they surf social networking sites: fast and without much thought. It could be, in actuality, that mobile devices have trained us to surf everything in a similar way. Due to this, I think the headline is perhaps the most important bit of your description and you need to try different variations until you find one that is right for you. After a lot of testing I discovered that this one worked best for me: "Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active." The objective of the headline is to give a fast snapshot of what is unique about you. Having a headline that is authentic, interesting, and short functions like a stop sign for the individual who is scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their cell phone. It is likely that they'll laugh at the question. As any solid content marketer knows, great content is about respecting the medium that you're creating the content for. By way of example, if I went up to a woman in a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active," she'll definitely get up and leave. The reverse is true for online dating, however. You need your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or one sentence, and make sure that it is quintessentially you. The Intro Paragraph Once that initial curiosity is peaked, you can begin paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This is not the time to compose a novel about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this individual, your picture and headline being the first two. The intro paragraph provides a small amount of colour and perhaps some talking points that you can talk about in conversation (again, ladies, this is extremely important to include if you want to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph that worked best for me was: "I love being outside as much as you can! Some of my favorite things are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I am a creative at heart but I love learning about businesses and new ideas. I'm into photography, layout, and Tim Ferriss. My ideal Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a good book at Promenade cafe" This paragraph outlines a few basic activities and hobbies I like and some non-standard items like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The main thing to remember about this section is to prevent the generic actions that could apply to pretty much
anyone. "I like hanging out with friends, watching films, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I'm positive that there are people in the world who don't enjoy watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95 percent or more of those folks in your area enjoy both those things too. As opposed to trying to fit in, attempt to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so you can discover common ground, but also things which are uniquely you. For example in my description above: -- Many people like being outdoors and photography. -- But very few people like learning about businesses or Tim Ferriss. This is optional, although it certainly helps. In marketing, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they've viewed your content. In relationship, you basically want the individual to message you. This sounds like a no brainer, but I've found that a whole lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they eventually become discouraged from making first contact. I have heard countless stories of women who have matched with a man who they really like, but the guy never messages them. When I ask them why they do not message first, it is said that they don't know what to say or they don't want to seem desperate. The call to action helps alleviate this problem by making it clear that you want them to message you. But, obviously you do not want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have a single section that states: "You should message me if..." ← This is OkCupid's sub-heading but you can just manually add it on other online dating apps too. Again, as with this information, when in doubt just check it out. Try having a call to action and see if your conversations improve. If they don't, simply delete it. The attractiveness of dating programs is that instead of having 1--5 chances to make a connection, as you would if you went to a pub for example, you have thousands of chances and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making first contact and chatting where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" relationship is when it has to do with the conversation. Having to talk online as your first conversation is a huge limitation when you're trying to begin a new relationship. For starters, it's a really unnatural way of communicating, because it's been shown that we receive 55% of our
communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communication. It is logical then that when you take countless people and set them in a supernatural communication environment you get some fairly unnatural conversations. While it might be fun to play around with weird conversation openers, if you're serious about finding a good relationship through online relationship, then it is a good idea to study your results a little bit. This gave me the opportunity to begin testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I just wouldn't have been able to see if I didn't have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I'll spare you some of the terrible thoughts I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let us examine how well you can judge a fantastic opener from a bad one. A) "Hey! How's it going?" C) "Question: Batman or Superman?" (or any other variation of this sort of question). D) "Hey! (based on a book they listed in their profile) I'll let you think about it for a second. (I'll add some space before the reply below. Scroll as soon as you're ready.) Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response And the answer is... If you guessed D, then you chose the best answer! (If you guessed C, you chose the worst response.) In order of best to worst, the answers are B, D, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to any conversation starter. While I found that the absolute best conversations
resulting from"Hey! How did you like X novel," that obviously depends if they've put a book in their profile. You can alter this to ask about some other part of the profile, such as a movie or a place in their own pictures. The reason I guess the book one works best though is because a) it shows you really read their profile and b) it indicates that you read. If I can use the book opener to initiate a conversation I typically also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x book? I'm currently reading'Losing my Virginity' by Richard Branson and highly recommend it!" (This is how I opened the dialogue with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I started with this opener felt a lot more natural and moved beyond a few messages. The next best choice,"Hey! How was your weekend?" Works almost as well, but it's obviously limited to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be odd if you used this on a Friday). This worked pretty well, but not nearly too. I suspect it is because it sounds too much like I am about to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think of something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you have made contact and another person has responded, it is time to have a dialogue. Every dialog changes, but there are some guidelines that I'll put in here as suggestions. First, some online dating tips for men: DON'T attempt to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can't tell you the number of messages my female friends have shown me that noise objectively psychotic. The sad thing is I know that the man is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation just like you want a friend. DO try to talk about things she's interested in but also add your own ideas. One of the most common complaints I have heard from female friends is that they feel like they're being interviewed. Make certain that you ask questions, but that you also discuss things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her body or appearance. Regardless of how well intentioned you are, it will be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you're so beautiful! You've got a cute smile! You're..." will only result in a polite"thank you" and won't create meaningful conversation. Now, a few online dating suggestions for girls: DO be nice and help direct the conversation. Even when I have tried to be friendly and nice, I've still received quite curt or standoff-ish answers. No matter how much men pretend they don't care about the dialogue, they do. And they usually have no clue what they're doing, so offer them some help and direct the dialogue in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking any of your own. If you're tired of conversations feeling like interviews, then make sure that you ask the man about things he is interested in as well. DON'T make judgments too soon. In my experience women tend to put a lot more thought into their text messages than men do. If a man says something that seems weird or strange, give him the benefit of the doubt and don't read too much into it, chances are he didn't either.
Now a proposal for the two parties: Try to move the dialogue from online to in real life relatively fast. Online dating is a great tool to meet someone, but it's just that. It's a tool, it isn't actual dating. My general recommendation for moving from online to in real life is one long conversation or two short conversations. It should never take more than a week to set up a date. Thus, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have begun talking about using a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the programs, but also get them off quickly. In real life is a good deal more fun too in case you know how to set up great dates... Step 4 -- Creating a date sequence that will make you smile more and sweat less After I had mastered the online portion of dating, I soon realized that securing the date is just half the battle. The second half of the battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you've even set out from your residence. As they say in real estate: location, location, location. In which you have your date decides about 50--70 percent of the results of the date. But first a question... Where's the worst place to have a date? As it happens, it is actually at the most commonly selected dating location: A sit-down restaurant. Initially I was taking all my dates to restaurants for dinner. Boring, I know. But bear in mind, I was totally new to dating so I was just following what I'd seen in movies. Most of them didn't go well, but I was not certain why. After a dozen or so awkward (and expensive) dates, I decided that I should experiment with some other locations. What occurred next was totally mind blowing. Almost like flipping a light switch, my dates enhanced tremendously. It wasn't I was doing anything differently or that I had been choosing better girls to go on dates with, it was merely a matter of context. Here's why I think dinner dates don't work, it goes something like this:
You meet a complete stranger out a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a table. You begin speaking, then the waiter interrupts asking about beverages. You choose beverages. You continue to talking. The waiter interrupts again to your food order. You're not ready to order because you've been talking. The waiter gives you"another minute." You look at the menu making remarks about the choices. The waiter comes back ten minutes later. You continue talking. You talk and talk. Then you run out of things to talk about. What should you do next? You have to keep talking. A dinner date provides no options. It is a singular task that depends on you connecting with a complete stranger almost instantly. This problem is exacerbated by the fact that most of us are getting worse at getting in-person conversations. Spending so much time online has enhanced our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in- person communication skills. So, if we're getting worse at having in-person conversations, why would you bet your entire love life on the fact you will be able to have an amazing in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I was holding on to a small ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet above the ground like a giant cat toy. "O well," I thought,"this will be a great bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I expected the sharp jolt of the rope on my climbing harness. However, there was no jolt. I started falling for what felt like eternity. As it happens, my climbing partner had let go of the rope as I had slipped off the ledge. She panicked and did not grab the rope until I had fallen 15 feet to what I was sure was my upcoming death. Finally the rope finally stopped and I felt a massive jolt, both emotionally and physically. "Okay this date might be a little too exciting," I thought. My entire dating career made a 180-degree turn when I started carrying my dates on fun activities rather than dinners. A number of these activities worked better than others. But I found out that the most essential elements to a wonderful date spot could be distilled into three categories: Walkability -- Do we have to sit together or can we walk around? When you're walking, your landscape is changing so you can grab new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked guy on rollerblades!" Activity -- Can we do the activity reasonably well? I've seen men get this one pretty wrong. It is fun to teach someone something that you're passionate about, but be certain it's not too hard. Taking a girl rock climbing? Make sure she is not scared of heights first. Scalability -- Can the date grow or shrink in scale as needed? Having a great time? Great! Let's go get dessert! No chemistry? No problem, how do we end the date earlier? Using these three criteria, I crafted a 3 date sequence which nearly doubled the number of successful dates I went on. Now I know what you're thinking,"This guy took women out to the very same areas like it was some kind of regimented assembly line?"
This was my go-to sequence, but, based on interests, I'd substitute unique activities to keep the dates intriguing. This was simply a template that simplified my choices and reduced the cognitive load I was putting on my mind. So here's my perfect dating sequence: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks each Friday by the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the difficulties of inviting someone out to dinner is that everybody has different food preferences. Then (if you are a man ) you've got to account for cost of food. Off the grid accomplishes this since there are over 20 different kinds of (affordable) cuisine. It also lets you walk around, people watch, and get drinks. It is possible to extend the date by getting dessert or listening to the live bands. Feel like going all out? Queue the awkward white-boy dance moves. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could vary based on interests but I had a couple of go-tos, namely: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the beach. Why I like it: What these activities had in common were the 3 factors: walkability, action, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, catch cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favorite bar, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we can alternate between activity and talking. If we did a picnic on the shore, we can go for romantic walks or huddle around a fire pit on Ocean Beach. Why I like it: This date was particularly important because if a woman had made it #3, it meant I really liked her. It also meant we might take the connection to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, also it was a semi-formal occasion so we could both dress nicely for that special night. This was also my secret evaluation because if a woman did not like facts and science it likely wouldn't work out between us anyway. Listen to all the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are merely three examples of how to take online dating offline and create a reasonably successful dating sequence. Here are a few tips on what to search for on each date as you try to create your own dating arrangement: Date #1: Search for a casual environment that is not intimidating. Dark bars or loud places do not make for good conversation. Be certain that you can reliably go to this area, so avoid places with long waits or where you will need to make reservations. Ensure you can schedule the date for a weeknight (try not to book a person's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You have broken the ice and you've both agreed to a second date, so have fun with this one! Select an activity you will both like that is not too tricky. Ideally choose an activity that has a cadence where you alternate between doing something and speaking. Going on a 10 mile run is great for exercise, but it does not allow for conversation. Watching a movie at a movie theater has similar limits. Date #3: You both confirmed you like each other, it is time to bring it to another level. Try to make this date a little more special than the first two. It needs to be romantic, it should test how compatible you both really are, and it should confirm whether you want to continue seeing each other long term. Following the excitement of dates and two, there may be a lull in date 3, so be sure whatever you choose gives new intimacy to the relationship. For instance, if I did not go to the Cal Academy I'd go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Obtaining your Timing Right maybe one of the most important pieces of the online dating mystery that I see men screw up again and again is
timing. Assuming the guy is the one forcing the relationship sequence (which is not always the case) there are some questions you will need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? How long should you wait between date 1 and date 2? Here I'll share my answers to these questions that I've found most useful. But again, depending upon your context, your culture, and your comfort your answers may vary. The important thing is to actually consider timing, rather than leaving it up to"feeling." Going from Online to Offline It's quite easy to let a great online conversation die out. You message her, she messages youback and forth, forth and back. To be able to make sure that I don't waste all my time with internet conversations I found that it was best to ask a girl to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or roughly 20 minutes of constant conversation. Again, try not to linger in the safe-space of the digital world too long. It may feel like it's necessary, but it is very easy to waste plenty of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 When I was 25, functioning as"the new guy" in a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales staff. Every day I overheard their sales calls where they would use their jedi mind tricks to close deals with multi-million dollar balances. One thing that I discovered is that each and every time they were ending a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week then? O that's no good also. Okay how about the week after that?" Regardless of what the prospect said, the salesperson would insist on at least"penciling" another meeting to the calendar with the option of cancelling if needed. Once I took this technique and applied it to relationship, it led to a pretty incredible results. This rule is somewhat contrarian, but it's worked really well: Always ask for the second date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you are putting yourself out there. You are opening yourself up to strangers and in return you are getting a lot of uncertainty. Nobody likes uncertainty. No one likes to check their phone every hour to see if you've texted them or not. Nobody likes to wonder if you like them or not. Surprisingly, most people do not mind if you don't like them, they only want to know. So my suggestion would be to stop playing games, both with the other person and with yourself. If you like them, tell them you like them. If you don't, have the respect to let them know you do not. (A gentle means to do this is by telling them that you are not prepared to date right now. I had a girl tell me and it was the easiest let down I've ever experienced and used it later myself also ). I must pause here for a single caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not constantly.
I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get very excited by the person they have just met and they then proceed to constantly text them, call them, and see them day after day after day. Stop Chasing Shadows When I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He explained,"Women are like shadows, the more you chase them, the longer they run away. The more you run away, the longer they pursue you." If you find someone who you want to be with really badly, do not scare them away by being fanatical. If they like you as well, there is no need to chase them. Yes, you should actively attempt to establish a date, but there's no reason to go on dates every single night of the week. Allow the relationship to have some breathing room. A fantastic way to judge if a relationship is going well is if you end up missing the other person and vice versa. There is a lot of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there is even scientific evidence for it also. In several studies, anthropologists have found that many primates invest more effort into a relationships if the individuals in that relationship have been forced apart. What's interesting is that researchers at the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same is true in humans. By data mining cell phone records and comparing call patterns and duration, the researchers at the university found that people will also invest more effort into relationships if there is a probability of that connection weakening. I tried applying this research to relationship in a relatively straightforward way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse between dates, ironically, makes the connection strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship I found worked fairly well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- variable This arrangement meant that I would spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for sufficient time for the relationship to mature and helped me make sure I didn't suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them.
Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the start of this post, these relationship strategies helped me tremendously, but based upon your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process may have to be different than the one above. The important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from relationship. In actuality, because relationship is such an emotional activity (similar to job hunting), it is vital to have a system set up to assist you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you are getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on an actual rollercoaster, it would be foolish to simply jump and hold on. Making sure you have that lap belt secured and that you have been on a few less intense rides can help you enjoy the ride a good deal more. Perhaps the single most important thing to keep in mind though is to let go of expectations and treat the process like an experiment. As we often discuss about the podcast, when you let go of expectations and only make your goal just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Like the help of world-class investors, you want to diversify your portfolio and decrease your chance of catastrophic failure. A means of doing this is by going on dates that are not just sit-down dinners, so that regardless of how your dating partner behaves, at least you'll have a good time doing something fun. And, to decrease the risk, you need to build both an outreach and dating sequence so that you reduce the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Locate a few activities you enjoy doing and then match the dates into those activities. This is also a wonderful way to filter out people that aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long term. Of course, regardless of how well I did all the above things, I still had my share of terrible dates. The girl who used me as a meal program being just one of many. But bear in mind, once you're feeling down and enjoy giving up on love altogether: "You're never as bad as they say you are, you are also not as good as you think you are." Take every date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you constantly work on yourself, improving your conversations, your dates, and your connection with other people, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. Until then, strap in and enjoy the ride. If you enjoyed this post, I'd super appreciate if you hit the green hand clap button below so that more folks can find it. And, if you have any more questions about dating, hear our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the show.
