The Intermediate Guide to pierwsza wiadomość na portalu randkowym

1. I looked at her and then looked at the dinner bill. She looked me directly in the eyes and smiled. Still, no reply. At this time I imagined picking up the bill and slapping her across the face with it as hard as I could. It definitely wasn't my best moment, but it was not hers either. Apparently, as I discovered afterwards, I had fallen into a trap called"the meal plan." The meal program, if you're unfamiliar with it, is when girls go on dates with men merely to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she definitely fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all the dates I had gone on until that point: all 37 dates to be precise. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like that? As I matured in my internet relationship, however, I understood that this was actually a response for what men do to women. There are 3 major levers in our lives which, if we pull on them correctly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships can be the difference between depression and elation. I discovered this firsthand because in the past five years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at once. I quit the career I had been building for more than 7 years and I left my 10-year relationship with my girlfriend that I believed I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and relationship novice. I was depressed. I was scared. I was scarred. One day, I was sitting in the shower feeling sorry for myself for over an hour. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene triggered and a small voice in my head said,"you are going to give up? No, no you are not. You're going to kick on online dating's ass!" I started to channel my misery into anger, and my anger into determination. I started to approach online dating just like one big experiment. I began creating what I called,"The Process." In this blog post I'll take you through the whole process I took to learn online dating. By optimizing your profile, A/B analyzing your descriptions, beginning meaningful conversations, and even crafting interesting dates. We'll discuss how to streamline the online dating process so you can't only get dates, but possibly discover the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I must preface that based on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process might have to be different than the below. But, the important takeaway here is to pull back the feelings that come from dating and treat it like an experiment.

2. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I'm going to go meet interesting people and do interesting things," you will be much more likely to enjoy the process. And, if you're diligent, you may end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I've been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 years and we've moved in together. So maybe these strategies are not all that crazy, but perhaps they are, I'll leave it for you to judge. Note: You can also hear the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I pay a whole lot of these strategies as we navigate the current struggles and embarrassments of his own relationship journey (and answer listener questions). The absolute most frequent mistake I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is that they don't define their target obviously. Deep down inside, the majority of us know whether we're looking for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario I've discovered is that both women and men that are looking for a meaningful relationship are maximizing their dating for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with internet dating, she asked me to assist her with her OKCupid profile. She's an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' quite beautiful, a real 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she would need my help. Basically, in order to optimize for receiving dates, Maddy had chosen to just include her most provocative photographs. Now I want to be clear, there is nothing wrong with women having"promiscuous" pictures online. The problem, in the event of dating, is the arrangement of a relationship and what you lead with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to intuitively pick up on visual cues much faster than written hints. In actuality, they have found that men that are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by without even activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles conceal most information aside from the profile photo before a user clicks, leading with provocative photographs sets a bad first impression. So, while it's totally fine to have hot photos up on your instagram, leading with them in your online dating profile is sending signals that may be attracting the wrong type of guy. There are also lots of classy ways to have interesting pictures that speak to more than just the unconscious brain. Internet Dating pictures can be both intriguing and classy So, although Maddy was trying to find a relationship, her photos were sending signals that she's looking for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag men filling up her inbox. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 4

3. For men, we tend to have the opposite issue. Every man who has done online dating will testify to the battle of getting a girl to swipe right on their profile, let alone to get them to engage in a conversation. Men, this is entirely your own fault. I have seen guys spend hours talking about the numbers of their favourite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, and even how financial reports will effect the team's chances. However, when it comes to online dating, guys tend to slap a few pictures on their profile and then start swiping like orangutans till their palms develop calluses. Guys, stop. Before you begin creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you're trying to attain. Are you trying to date a lot of people? Or are you trying to find a meaningful relationship? And"both" isn't an answer. As the saying goes... "If you try to appeal to everybody, you will interest no one." The techniques I'll outline below work for either desired result, but the choices you make will significantly affect your"conversion" rate. For example, the first time I mastered everything in this process, I started going on a lot of dates (3--4 per week, every week), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I only realized months after that, while it is good to go on a lot of dates and get practice relationship (recall I was off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to be sure I was dating the perfect people. Luckily I realized this before I had been the victim of any more"meal plans." STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile pictures and descriptions First impressions matter. According to a study from Princeton, it's projected that in any relationship, whether its social or work, we make our mind up about if we like the person in less than 1 second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile image. They do not get to hear you speak. They do not get to shake your hand. They don't get to smell you (it's a thing). All you get is one picture and there's a 99% chance it is the wrong one. If a person is coming online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to check is your profile picture. I first started this process in a very unscientific way...

4. One hundred, and I mean 100% of these said that my first picture was not my best. It was interesting feedback, but I wasn't sure how I could test numerous pictures considering that I could only put one as the default. The response: testing across programs. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, along with the dreaded Tindr. I retained my profile description the exact same on every profile, but I set up a different profile picture on each. I rotated the images across profiles until I could get a big enough sample size and make certain that the platform was not effecting results. Four of my real dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture that I thought was my best was always the one with the least matches. Interestingly enough, a film that I did not read much into, pic B, was actually a massive turn off for pretty much 100% of girls. I was shocked when I found this out, because the two women in that photo are actually good friends of mineso I never would have made that connection. Sometimes your photos can be your biggest blind spot. To completely test out this idea, I really enrolled a couple of friends (both men and women) to the experiment and had them change their profile pictures. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 2 This is a super simple optimization that may look to be a pain today, but it will save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20 percent of work that will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them frequently. Top Tip: If you want to speed up this process, you can actually ask your games what they think of your own pictures. If a conversation with a match wasn't going well, I decided to get some"user comments" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photos she believed was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I wasn't getting jobs.) Descriptions are negotiable Now, part of this error might be my fault, since I took his advice quite literally. I started to speak my mind, dress how I wanted to dress, and behave how I wished to act. This turned out to be a horrible idea. With no filter or thought behind my actions, I rubbed over a few people the wrong way.

5. Now that I've matured a bit, I have come to understand that there's a difference between being your total self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are never our complete selves except when we are by ourselves. Seth Godin has a great podcast on"signals," which you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we knowingly choose which signs to give to other people. A guy wearing a button up top, for instance, isn't necessarily wealthy, but the button up shirt is putting out the signal that he's wealthy. Much like a person who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is signaling she does not wish to follow society's rules, the man in the button up shirt is indicating that he is okay with following convention. In college I met a girl at a party who immediately caught my attention. She was wearing a summer dress, flower earrings, and looked very cute. I approached her and we immediately hit off. We spent the entire party flirting and dancing. We made plans to have a lunch date in the college cafeteria later that week. I got to the cafeteria early and decided to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a girl walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed all in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace around her neck. At first I didn't even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we began talking. I was that guy. I did not care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized that we had almost nothing in common. The outfit she'd used as a sign at the party didn't match her personality in any way. We ended the date cordially and proceeded on. Signals matter. Choosing your signals is good, but choosing false signals not so much. You do not need to lie, but you also don't want to be your complete self. You want to tell them about how you collect classic records, you do not want to let them know about the way you cry every time a U2 song comes on. You want to tell them about the way you volunteer at the animal shelter, you do not want to let them know about how you ran over your cat. Crafting a good description is perhaps the toughest and personal bit of improving your online dating profile. There is absolutely no ideal answer, but there are definitely some incorrect answers. The first step to getting a great dating profile description is having a clear structure. I break down a dating profile description into 3 components: Headline: A brief sentence someone can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A little longer description that gives some color to your interests and character.

6. Call to Action: A desired action you want them to take. Internet dating is inherently awkward, so help another person by letting them know something you two can talk about. Ladies this is especially true for you. If you don't want guys messaging you"hey" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to begin the conversation with. The Headline Unfortunately, people tend to surf internet dating programs the way they surf social media sites: fast and without much thought. It might be, in fact, that mobile devices have trained us to surf everything in a similar way. Due to this, I think the headline is possibly the most crucial bit of your description and you need to try different variations until you find one that works for you. After a lot of testing I found that this one worked best for me: The goal of the headline is to give a quick snapshot of what's unique about you. Having a headline that is authentic, interesting, and brief functions like a stop sign for the individual who's scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their phone. Chances are they'll laugh at the question. As any good content marketer knows, terrific content is about respecting the medium that you're producing the content for. By way of example, if I went up to a girl at a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active," she'll definitely get up and leave. The opposite is true for online dating, however. You want your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or a single sentence, and be certain it is quintessentially you. The Intro Paragraph After that initial curiosity is peaked, you should begin paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This isn't the time to write a novel about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this person, your headline and picture being the first two. The intro paragraph provides a small amount of color and possibly some talking points that you can discuss in conversation (again, ladies, this is extremely important to add if you want to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph which worked best for me was: "I love being outdoors as much as you can! Some of my favourite items are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I am a creative at heart but I love learning about new and businesses ideas. I am into photography, design, and Tim Ferriss. My perfect Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a good book at Promenade cafe." This paragraph outlines a few basic activities and hobbies I enjoy and some non-standard things like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The most important thing to remember about this section is to prevent the generic activities that could apply to pretty much anybody.

7. "I enjoy hanging out with friends, watching films, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I'm sure there are people on earth who don't like watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95 percent or more of the people in your area enjoy those things too. Rather than trying to fit in, try to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so it's possible to find common ground, but also things that are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Most people like being outside and photography. -- Some people like surfing, climbing, and volleyball. -- But very few people like learning about businesses or Tim Ferriss. This is optional, even though it certainly helps. In advertising, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they have viewed your content. In relationship, you essentially want the person to message you. This seems like a no brainer, but I've found that a lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they finally become discouraged from making initial contact. I've heard countless stories of girls who have paired with a guy who they really like, but the man never messages them. When I ask them why they do not message first, it is said that they don't know what to say or they do not want to appear desperate. But, obviously you do not want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have an individual section that says: "You should message me if..." ← This is OkCupid's sub-heading but you can just manually add it on other internet dating apps too. My CTA goes as follows: "You should message me if you are an interesting person who likes to play outside." Again, as with this advice, when in doubt just test it out. Try using a call to action and see whether your conversations improve. If they don't, Discover more just delete it. The attractiveness of dating programs is that instead of having 1--5 chances to make a relationship, as you would if you went to a bar for example, you have tens of thousands of chances and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making first contact and chatting where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" relationship is when it has to do with the conversation. Having to talk online as your first conversation is a huge limitation when you're trying to start a new relationship.

8. For starters, it's a really unnatural method of communicating, since it's been proven that we receive 55% of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communicating. It makes sense then that when you take countless people and put them in a supernatural communication environment you get some fairly unnatural conversations. While it might be fun to play around with weird conversation openers, if you are serious about finding a good relationship through online relationship, then it is a good idea to study your results a little bit. As I got better at optimizing my profile, I started matching with a growing number of people. This gave me the opportunity to begin testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I just would not have been able to see if I did not have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I'll spare you some of the terrible ideas I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's test how well you can judge a fantastic opener from a bad one. For bonus points, try to order them from most effective to least effective. How's it going?" B) "Hey! How was your weekend?" C) "Question: Batman or Superman?" (or any other variation of this sort of question). D) "Hey! How did you like X book?" (based on a book they listed in their profile) I'll let you consider it for a second. (I will add some distance before the answer below. Scroll as soon as you're ready.) Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response

9. Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer And the answer is... If you guessed D, you picked the best answer! (If you guessed C, you picked the worst response.) In order of best to worst, the answers are B, D, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to any conversation starter. While I found that the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X novel," that clearly depends if they have put a book in their profile. You can alter this to ask about some other part of their profile, such as a movie or a location in their pictures. The reason I suspect the book one works best though is because a) it shows you actually read their profile and b) it indicates that you read. If I may use the book opener to start a conversation I typically also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x book? (This is how I opened the conversation with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I began with this opener felt a lot more natural and moved past a few messages. The second best option,"Hey! How was your weekend?" Works nearly as well, but it is obviously confined to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be odd if you used this on a Friday). An alternate version I tried on Thursdays or Fridays was,"Hey! This worked pretty well, but not nearly as well. I suspect it is because it sounds too much like I am about to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think about something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you have made contact and the other person has responded, it's time to have a conversation. Every dialog changes, but there are a few guidelines that I'll put in here as suggestions. First, some online dating tips for men: DON'T attempt to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can not tell you how many messages my female friends have shown me that noise objectively psychotic. The sad thing is I know that the guy is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation like you want a friend. DO try to talk about things she is interested in but also add your own ideas. Among the most common complaints I have heard from female friends is that they feel like they're being interviewed. Make sure that you ask questions, but that you also discuss things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her appearance or body. Irrespective of how well intentioned you are, it will be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you are so beautiful! You've got a cute smile! You're..." will only lead to a polite"thank you" and will not create meaningful conversation. Now, a few online dating suggestions for women:

10. DO be nice and help guide the conversation. Even when I've tried to be friendly and nice, I've still received quite curt or standoff-ish responses. No matter how much men pretend that they don't care about the conversation, they do. And they normally don't have any clue what they are doing, so offer them some help and direct the conversation in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking any of your own. If you're tired of discussions feeling like interviews, then make sure that you ask the man about things he's interested in also. It takes two to tango. DON'T make judgments too soon. In my experience women tend to place a lot more thought in their text messages than men do. If a guy says something that looks weird or strange, give him the benefit of the doubt and do not read too much into it, chances are he did not either. Now a suggestion for the two parties: Attempt to move the conversation from online to in real life relatively fast. Online dating is a excellent tool to meet someone, but it's just that. It is a tool, it is not actual dating. My overall recommendation for moving from online to in real life is one long conversation or two short conversations. It should never take more than a week to establish a date. Thus, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have started talking about having a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the apps, but also get them off quickly. In real life is a good deal more fun too in case you know how to set up great dates... Step 4 -- Making a date sequence that will cause you to smile more and sweat less After I had mastered the online part of dating, I soon realized that securing the date is only half the battle. The second half of the battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you have even set out from your house. Where you have your date determines about 50--70 percent of the results of the date. But first a question... Where's the worst place to have a date? As it turns out, it's actually at the most frequently selected dating place: A sit-down restaurant. At first I was taking all of my dates to restaurants for dinner. But remember, I was completely new to dating so I was just following what I'd seen in movies. Most of them did not go well, but I wasn't sure why. After a dozen or so awkward (and pricey ) dates, I decided that I should experiment with some other locations. What happened next was absolutely mind blowing. It wasn't I was doing anything differently or that I had been picking better girls to go on dates with, it was simply a matter of context. Here's why I think dinner dates don't work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger outside a restaurant. You sit down at a desk. You begin speaking, then the waiter

11. interrupts asking about drinks. You continue to talking. The waiter interrupts again for your food order. You are not ready to order because you have been talking. The waiter provides you"another minute." You look at the menu making remarks about the choices. The waiter comes back ten minutes later. You order food. You continue talking. You then run out of things to talk about. What do you do next? You have to keep talking. A dinner date provides no options. It's a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost instantly. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that most of us are getting worse at having in-person discussions. Spending so much time online has improved our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in-person communication skills. Therefore, if we're getting worse at having in-person conversations, why would you bet your entire love life on the fact that you'll be able to have an amazing in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I was holding on to a little ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet over the ground like a giant cat toy. "O well," I thought,"this is going to be a great bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I anticipated the sharp shock of the rope on my climbing harness. However, there was no jolt. I began falling for what felt like eternity. As it happens, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope just as I had slipped off the ledge. She panicked and didn't grab the rope until I had dropped 15 ft to what I was certain was my upcoming death. Eventually the rope finally stopped and I felt a massive jolt, both emotionally and physically. "Okay this date may be a little too exciting," I thought. My whole dating career made a 180-degree turn when I began taking my dates on fun activities rather than dinners. I would take them to play tennis, rock climb, festivals, picnics at the beach, music shows, and everything in between. A number of these activities worked better than others. However, I found out that the most crucial elements to a great date spot could be distilled into three categories: Walkability -- Do we have to sit together or can we walk around? When you are walking, your landscape is shifting so you can pick up new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked guy on rollerblades!" Action -- Can we do the activity reasonably well? I've seen guys get this one fairly wrong. It's fun to teach someone something that you are passionate about, but make sure it is not too hard. Taking a woman rock climbing? Make sure she is not afraid of heights first. Scalability -- Would the date grow or shrink in scale as needed? Having a great time? Great! No chemistry? No problem, how can we end the date earlier?

12. Using these three criteria, I crafted a three date sequence that nearly doubled the number of successful dates I went on. Now I know what you are thinking,"This guy took women out to the same places like it was some kind of regimented assembly line?" This was my go-to order, but, based on interests, I would substitute different activities to keep the dates interesting. This was simply a template which simplified my decisions and decreased the cognitive load I was putting on my mind. Happy brain = Happy dates. So here's my ideal dating arrangement: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks every Friday from the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the difficulties of inviting someone out to dinner is that everyone has different food preferences. Then (if you're a guy) you've got to account for cost of food. Off the grid solves this because there are over 20 distinct types of (affordable) cuisine. It also allows you to walk around, people watch, and get drinks. Feel like going all out? Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a couple of go-tos, namely: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the beach. Why I like it: What these actions had in common were the 3 variables: walkability, activity, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, grab cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favorite pub, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we could alternate between activity and talking. If we did a picnic on the beach, we could go for romantic walks or huddle around a fire pit on Ocean Beach. Date #3 -- Cal Academy Adult Night: An adult-only night in the Cal Academy of Sciences where you can catch drinks and look at exhibits. Why I like it: This date was especially important because if a woman had made it to date #3, it meant I really liked her. Additionally, it meant we might take the connection to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, plus it was a semi-formal occasion so we can both dress well for that particular night. This was also my secret test because if a girl did not like science and facts it probably would not work out between us anyway. As an added bonus, it was also a 20-min walk from my place, so that helped with the"scalability" of the night. Listen to all the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are just three examples of how to take online dating offline and make a reasonably successful dating arrangement. Here are a few tips on what to search for on every date as you attempt to make your own dating arrangement: Date #1: Search for a casual environment that is not intimidating. Dark bars or loud places do not make for good conversation. Make sure that you can reliably visit this area, so avoid places with long waits or where you need to make reservations. Make sure you can schedule the date for a weeknight (try not to book someone's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You've broken the ice and you have both agreed to a second date, so have fun with this one! Choose an activity you will both like that is not too tricky. Avoid intimidating activities like karaoke, group sports, or water skiing. Ideally choose an activity that has a cadence in which you alternate between doing something and speaking. Going on a 10 mile run is fantastic for exercise, but it does not allow for conversation. Seeing a movie at

13. a movie theater has similar limitations. Date #3: You confirmed you like each other, it's time to bring it to the next level. Try to make this date a little more special than the first two. It needs to be romantic, it should test how compatible you both really are, and it ought to confirm whether or not you want to keep on seeing each other long term. After the excitement of dates one and two, there may be a lull in date 3, so make sure whatever you choose provides new intimacy to the relationship. By way of example, if I did not go to the Cal Academy I would go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Getting your Timing Right maybe among the most important pieces of the online dating puzzle that I see guys screw up again and again is time. Assuming the man is the one driving the relationship sequence (which is not always the case) there are a few questions you will need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? How long should you wait between date 1 and date 2? When should you go for the kiss? Here I'll share my answers to these questions that I've found most useful. But again, depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort your answers may vary. The important thing is to actually think about timing, rather than leaving it up to"feeling" Going from Online to Offline It's very easy to let a great online conversation die out. You message her, she messages youback and forth, back and forth. In order to make certain I don't waste all my time with online conversations I found it was best to ask a woman to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or roughly 20 minutes of continuous conversation. Again, try not to linger at the safe-space of the digital world too long. It may feel like it's necessary, but it's very easy to waste a lot of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 When I was 25, functioning as"the new man" in a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales team. Every day I overheard their sales calls where they would use their jedi mind tricks to close deals with multi-million dollar balances. One thing I discovered is that every time they were ending a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week after that? O that's no great too. Okay how about the week after that?" No matter what the prospect said, the salesperson would insist on at least"penciling" another meeting into the calendar with the option of cancelling if desired. Once I took this technique and applied it to relationship, it led to a pretty incredible results. This rule is a bit contrarian, but it's worked really well: Always ask for the next date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you're putting yourself out there. You're opening yourself up to strangers and in return you are getting a lot of uncertainty. Nobody likes uncertainty. No one likes to check their phone every hour to determine if you've texted them or not. Nobody likes to wonder whether you like them or not. Surprisingly, most people don't mind if you don't like them, they just want to know.

14. So my suggestion is to quit playing games, both with the other person and with yourself. If you like them, tell them you like them. If you don't, have the respect to let them know you don't. (A gentle means to do this is by telling them that you aren't prepared to date at this time. I had a woman tell me and it was the simplest let down I have ever experienced and utilized it later myself also ). I should pause here for one caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not always. Nobody likes to be smothered or chased constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get really excited by the person they've just met and they then proceed to constantly text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day. Stop Chasing Shadows When I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He told me,"Girls are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the more they run away. The more you run away, the more they pursue you." If you find someone who you would like to be with really poorly, don't scare them away by being fanatical. If they like you too, there's no need to chase them. Yes, you should actively try to establish a date, but there's no reason to go on dates every single night of the week. Permit the relationship to get some breathing room. A good way to judge whether a relationship is going well is if you end up missing the other person and vice versa. There is a lot of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there is even scientific evidence for it also. In several studies, anthropologists have discovered that many primates invest more effort into a relationships if the people in that relationship have been forced apart. What is interesting is that researchers at the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same holds true in humans. By data mining mobile phone records and comparing telephone patterns and duration, the researchers at the university found that people will also invest more effort into relationships when there is a risk of that connection weakening. I tried applying this research to dating in a relatively straightforward way and, to my surprise, it worked nicely. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse in between dates, paradoxically, makes the relationship strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for dating that I found worked fairly well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2

15. Date 4 -- factor This arrangement meant that I would spread out the first 3 dates across a 1 month period. This allowed for sufficient time for the connection to grow and helped me make sure I did not suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the beginning of the post, these dating approaches helped me tremendously, but depending upon your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process may need to be different than the one above. In actuality, because dating is such an emotional activity (like job hunting), it is vital to have a system set up that will assist you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you are getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on an actual rollercoaster, it would be foolish to just hop on and continue. Making certain you have that lap belt secured and that you have been on a few less extreme rides can help you enjoy the ride a whole lot more. As we often discuss about the podcast, when you let go of expectations and just make your goal just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Like the help of world wide investors, you want to diversify your portfolio and decrease your risk of catastrophic failure. A way of doing that is by going on dates that aren't only sit-down dinners, so that regardless of how your relationship partner behaves, at least you will have a good time doing something fun. And, to minimize the risk, you need to build both an outreach and relationship sequence so you decrease the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Locate a few activities you like doing and then fit the dates into these activities. This is also a great way to filter out people who aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long term. Naturally, irrespective of how well I did all of the above items, I had my share of terrible dates. The woman who used me as a meal program being just one of many. But bear in mind, when you're feeling down and enjoy giving up on love altogether: "You are not as bad as they say you are, you are also not as good as you think you are." Take each date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you work on yourself, improving your conversations, your dates, and your relationship with others, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. If you enjoyed this post, I would super appreciate if you hit the green hand clap button below so that more folks can discover it. And, if you have any more questions about relationship, listen to our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the display.