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If you approach it with the mindset of,"I will go meet fascinating people and do interesting things," you will be much more likely to enjoy the process. And, if you are diligent, you may end up finding that special person.
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THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: Tips, tricks, and manipulations to navigate the pains and pitfalls She looked me directly in the eyes and smiled. Still, no reply. At that moment I imagined picking up the bill and slapping her across the face with it as hard as I could. It definitely was not my best moment, but it wasn't hers either. Apparently, as I found out later, I had fallen into a trap known as"the meal plan." The meal program, if you're not familiar with it, is when girls go on dates with men merely to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she definitely fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all of the dates I had gone on until that point: all 37 dates to be exact. How could women take advantage of me like that? As I matured in my online relationship, however, I realized that this was really a reaction for what men do to women. There are three major levers in our lives which, if we pull them properly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships are the difference between depression and elation. I learned this first hand because in the past five years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at once. I quit the career I had been building for over 7 years and I left my 10-year relationship with my girlfriend who I believed I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and dating newcomer. One dayI was sitting in the shower feeling sorry for myself for over an hour. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene triggered and a small voice in my head said,"you're going to give up? No, no you're not. You're going to kick online dating's ass!" I started to channel my distress into anger, and my anger into determination. I began to approach online dating just like one big experiment. I began creating what I predicted,"The Process." In this blog post I will take you through the entire process I chose to learn online dating. From optimizing your profile, A/B testing your descriptions, starting meaningful conversations, as well as crafting interesting dates. We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so that you can't just get dates, but maybe find the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I should preface that depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process might need to be different than the below. However, the important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from relationship and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I will go meet interesting people and do interesting things," you will be much more inclined to enjoy the process. And, if you are diligent, you may end up finding that special person.
UPDATE: As of 2019 I have been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 years and we have moved in together. So maybe these strategies aren't all that mad, but maybe they are, I will leave it for you to judge. Note: You can also listen to the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I pay a lot of these strategies as we navigate the current struggles and embarrassments of his own dating trip (and answer listener questions). The complete most frequent mistake I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is they don't define their target obviously. Deep down inside, most of us know whether we're looking for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario that I've found is that both men and women that are searching for a meaningful relationship are maximizing their dating for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with online dating, she asked me to assist her with her OKCupid profile. She's an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' quite beautiful, a true 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she would need my help. In less than 5 seconds I saw the problem. Basically, so as to optimize for getting dates, Maddy had chosen to just include her most provocative photographs. Now I want to be clear, there's nothing wrong with girls having"promiscuous" pictures online. The issue, in the event of dating, is the format of a dating profile and what you lead with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to pick up on visual clues much faster than written hints. In fact, they've found that men that are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles hide most information aside from the profile photograph until a user clicks, resulting in provocative photographs sets a poor first impression. So, while it is totally fine to have sexy photos up in your instagram, leading with them in your online dating profile is sending signals that may be attracting the wrong sort of guy. There are also plenty of classy ways to have intriguing pictures that speak to more than just the unconscious brain. Online dating pictures can be both intriguing and classy So, although Maddy was attempting to locate a relationship, her photographs were only sending signals that she's searching for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag guys filling up her inbox. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 4 Every man who has done online dating will testify to the battle of getting a girl to swipe directly in their profile, let alone to make them engage in a conversation. Men, this is entirely your fault. I have seen guys spend hours talking about the statistics of their favorite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, and even how financial reports will effect the team's chances.
However, when it comes to online dating, guys have a tendency to slap a few pictures in their profile and then start swiping like orangutans till their fingers develop calluses. Guys, stop. Before you begin creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you're trying to achieve. Are you trying to date a great deal of people? Or are you searching for a meaningful relationship? And"both" is not an answer. As the saying goes... "If you try to appeal to everybody, you will interest no one." The techniques I'll outline below work for desired outcome, but the choices you make will vastly affect your"conversion" rate. By way of example, the first time I mastered everything in this procedure, I started going on a lot of dates (3--4 per week, every week), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I just realized months after that, while it's good to go on a lot of dates and get practice relationship (recall I had been off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to be sure I was dating the perfect folks. Fortunately I realized this before I was the victim of some more"meal plans" STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile images and descriptions According to a study from Princeton, it is estimated that in any relationship, whether its social or work, we make up our mind about if we like the person in less than 1 second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile picture. They don't get to hear you speak. They don't get to shake your hand. They do not get to smell you (it is a thing). All you get is 1 picture and there is a 99% chance it is the wrong one. If a person is approaching online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to check is the profile picture. I started this process in a very unscientific way... I went to every female friend I knew and asked her what she thought of my photos. One hundred, and I mean 100% of them said that my first picture wasn't my best. It was interesting feedback, but I was not certain how I could test multiple pictures considering I could only put one as the default option. The response: testing across apps. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, along with the dreaded Tindr.
I kept my profile description the same on each profile, but I set up a different profile picture on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles until I could find a large enough sample size and make certain that the platform wasn't effecting results. Four of my actual dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture which I thought was my best was always the one with the least matches. Interestingly enough, a picture I did not read much into, pic B, was really a huge turn off for pretty much 100% of girls. I was shocked when I found out this, because the two women in that photo are really good friends of mine, so I never would have made this connection. Sometimes your photographs can be your biggest blind spot. To completely test out this idea, I actually enrolled a couple of friends (both men and women) to the experiment and had them change their profile pictures. They got varied results, but one thing was consistent: the picture they thought was their best, never performed the best. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 2 This is a super easy optimization that can look like a pain now, but it will save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20% of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them frequently. Top Tip: If you would like to speed this process up, you can actually ask your games what they think of your own pictures. If a conversation with a game was not going well, I decided to at least get some"user comments" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photos she thought was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I wasn't getting jobs.) Descriptions are negotiable Now, part of this error might be my fault, since I took his advice quite literally. I started to speak my mind, dress how I wanted to dress, and behave how I wished to act. This turned out to be a horrible idea. Without any filter or idea behind my actions, I rubbed over a few people the wrong way. Now that I've matured a bit, I have come to realize that there is a difference between being your overall self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we're never our total selves except when we are by ourselves. Seth Godin has a great podcast on"signals," which you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we knowingly choose which signs to give to other people. A man wearing a button up top, as an instance, isn't
necessarily wealthy, but the button up top is putting out the signal that he is wealthy. Much like a person who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is indicating she does not wish to follow society's rules, the man in the button up shirt is signaling that he is okay with following convention. In college I met a girl at a party who immediately caught my eye. She was wearing a summer dress, flower earrings, and looked really cute. I approached her and we instantly hit off. We spent the entire party flirting and dancing. We made plans to have a lunch date in the college cafeteria after that week. I got to the cafeteria early and decided to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a girl walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed all in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace round her neck. Initially I did not even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we started talking. I was that guy. I did not really care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized we had practically nothing in common. The outfit she had used as a signal at the party didn't match her personality in any way. We finished the date cordially and proceeded on. Signals matter. Choosing your signals is great, but choosing false signals not so much. The same goes for your online dating profile description. You do not need to lie, but you also don't want to be your complete self. You want to tell them about how you collect vintage records, you don't want to tell them about the way you cry every time a U2 tune comes on. You want to tell them about how you volunteer at the animal shelter, you don't want to tell them about how you ran over your cat. Crafting a fantastic description is perhaps the most difficult and personal piece of improving your online dating profile. There's no ideal answer, but there are definitely some wrong answers. The first step to having a great dating profile description is using a clear structure. I break down a relationship profile description into 3 parts: Headline: A short sentence someone can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A bit longer description that gives some colour to your interests and personality. Call to Action: A desired action you want them to take. Online dating is inherently awkward, so help the other person by letting them know something you two can talk about. Ladies this is especially true for you. If you do not want guys messaging you"hello" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to start the conversation with.
The Headline Unfortunately, people tend to surf internet dating programs the way they surf social media sites: fast and without much thought. It could be, in fact, that mobile devices have trained us to browse everything in a similar way. Due to this, I think the headline is possibly the most crucial piece of your description and you need to try different variations until you find one that works for you. After a lot of testing I found that this one worked best for me: The objective of the headline is to give a fast snapshot of what is unique about you. Having a headline that is authentic, interesting, and short acts like a stop sign for the individual who is scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their phone. It is likely that they'll laugh at the question. As any solid content marketer knows, terrific content is about respecting the medium that you are producing the content for. For example, if I went up to a girl in a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active," she will definitely get up and leave. The reverse is true for online relationship, however. You need your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or a single sentence, and be sure it is quintessentially you. The Intro Paragraph After that initial curiosity is peaked, you should start paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This is not the time to write a novel about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this individual, your picture and headline being the first two. The intro paragraph provides a small amount of color and possibly some talking points that you can talk about in conversation (again, ladies, this is extremely important to add if you want to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph that worked best for me was: "I love being outside as much as you can! Some of my favourite items are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I am a creative pierwsza wiadomość na fb at heart but I really like learning about businesses and new ideas. I'm into photography, design, and Tim Ferriss. My ideal Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a fantastic book at Promenade cafe." This paragraph outlines a few basic hobbies and activities I enjoy as well as some non-standard things like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity.
The main thing to remember about this section is to avoid the generic activities that could apply to pretty much anyone. I can not tell you how many profiles I've seen that list things like: "I like hanging out with friends, watching films, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I am positive there are people on earth who don't like watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95% or more of the folks in your area enjoy those things too. As opposed to trying to fit in, attempt to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so you can discover common ground, but also things that are uniquely you. For example in my description above: -- Most people like being outdoors and photography. -- But very few people like learning about companies or Tim Ferriss. The Call To Action This is optional, although it certainly helps. In advertising, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they've viewed your content. In dating, you basically want the person to message you. This seems like a no brainer, but I've found that a whole lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they finally become discouraged from making first contact. I've heard countless stories of girls who have paired with a guy who they really enjoy, but the guy never messages them. When I ask them why they don't message first, it is said that they don't know what to say or they do not want to seem desperate. The call to action helps alleviate this problem by making it clear that you want them to message you. But, obviously you don't want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have an individual section that states: "You should message me if..." ← This is OkCupid's sub-heading but you can just manually add it on other internet dating programs too. My CTA goes as follows: "You should message me if you're an interesting person who likes to play outdoors." Again, as with all this advice, when in doubt just test it out. Try having a call to action and see whether your conversations improve. If they don't, just delete it. The beauty of dating apps is that instead of having 1--5 opportunities to make a connection, as you would if you went to a pub for instance, you have thousands of chances and"do-overs" to play with.
STEP 3 -- Making initial talking and contact The place where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" dating is when it comes to the conversation. Having to talk online as your initial conversation is a huge limitation when you are trying to begin a new relationship. For starters, it's a very unnatural way of communicating, since it's been shown that we receive 55% of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communicating. It is logical then that if you take countless people and set them in an unnatural communication environment you get some fairly unnatural conversations. While it might be fun to play around with bizarre conversation openers, if you're serious about finding a fantastic relationship through online dating, then it's a fantastic idea to study your results a little bit. This gave me the chance to start testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I simply wouldn't have been able to see if I did not have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I'll spare you some of the terrible thoughts I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let us examine how well you can judge a good opener from a bad one. A) "Hey! How's it going?" B) "Hey! How was your weekend?" C) "Question: Batman or Superman?" (or some other variation of this type of question). D) "Hey! (according to a book they listed in their profile) I'll let you consider it for a second. (I will add some space before the reply below. Scroll once you're ready.) Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer
Scroll for the response Scroll for the response And the answer is... If you guessed D, you picked the best answer! (If you guessed C, you picked the worst answer.) In order of best to worst, the answers are B, D, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to some conversation starter. While I found that the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X book," that clearly depends if they've put a book in their profile. You can alter this to ask about some other part of the profile, like a movie or a location in their own pictures. The reason I guess that the book one works best though is because a) it shows you really read their profile and b) it shows that you read. If I can use the book opener to initiate a conversation I typically also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x publication? I'm now reading'Losing my Virginity' by Richard Branson and highly recommend it!" (This is how I opened the conversation with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I started with this opener felt a lot more natural and moved past a few messages. The next best option,"Hey! Works nearly as well, but it is obviously confined to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be odd if you used this on a Friday). This worked pretty well, but not nearly too. I suspect it is because it seems too much like I am going to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think of something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you have made contact and the other person has responded, it's time to have a dialogue. Every conversation varies, but there are a few guidelines that I'll put in here as suggestions. First, some online dating suggestions for men: DON'T try to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can't tell you the number of messages my female friends have shown me that noise objectively psychotic. The sad thing is that I know that the man is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation like you would with a friend. DO attempt to talk about things she's interested in but also add your own ideas. One of the most common complaints I have heard from female friends is they feel like they're being interviewed. Make sure that you ask questions, but that you also share things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her appearance or body. Regardless of how well intentioned you are, it'll be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you are so beautiful! You've got a cute smile! You're..." will only result in a polite"thank you" and will not create meaningful conversation. Now, a couple of online dating suggestions for girls: DO be nice and help guide the conversation. Even when I have tried to be nice and friendly, I've still received quite curt or standoff-ish answers. No matter how much men pretend they don't care about the conversation, they do. And they usually don't have any clue what they're doing, so offer them some help and guide the dialogue in a
positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking some of your own. If you are tired of conversations feeling such as interviews, then be certain that you ask the guy about things he's interested in also. It takes two to tango. DON'T make conclusions too soon. In my experience women tend to put a lot more thought into their text messages than guys do. If a man says something that seems weird or odd, give him the benefit of the doubt and don't read too much into it, chances are he did not either. Now a proposal for the two parties: Attempt to move the dialogue from online to in real life relatively fast. Online dating is a excellent tool to meet someone, but it's just that. It's a tool, it isn't actual dating. My overall recommendation for moving from online to in real life is one long conversation or two short conversations. It should never take more than a week to set up a date. So, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have begun talking about having a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the apps, but also get them off quickly. In real life is a lot more fun too in case you know how to set up great dates... Step 4 -- Making a date sequence that will cause you to smile more and sweat less After I had mastered the online part of dating, I soon realized that securing the date is only half the battle. The second half of this battle, how well the date goes, is largely determined before you've even set out from your residence. As they say in real estate: location, location, location. In which you have your date decides about 50--70 percent of the outcome of the date. But a question... Where is the worst place to have a date? As it happens, it is actually at the most frequently selected dating place: A sit-down restaurant. At first I was taking all my dates to restaurants for dinner. But remember, I was completely new to relationship so I was just following what I'd seen in movies. Many of them didn't go well, but I was not sure why. After a dozen or so embarrassing (and expensive) dates, I determined that I should experiment with several other locations.
What happened next was absolutely mind blowing. Almost like flipping a light switch, my dates enhanced tremendously. It was not that I was doing anything differently or that I was picking better girls to go on dates with, it was simply a matter of context. Here's why I believe dinner dates don't work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger out a restaurant. You sit down at a table. You begin talking, then the waiter interrupts asking about drinks. You continue to speaking. The waiter interrupts again to your food order. You are not ready to order because you have been talking. The waiter provides you"another minute." You look at the menu making comments about the choices. The server comes back ten minutes later. You order food. You then run out of things to discuss. What should you do next? You need to keep talking. A dinner date provides no options. It's a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost immediately. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that many of us are getting worse at having in-person conversations. Spending so much time online has improved our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in- house communication abilities. Therefore, if we are getting worse at having in-person discussions, why would you bet your whole love life on the fact that you'll be able to have an amazing in-person conversation with a complete stranger? 3 Rules for Creating Great Dates I never thought that relationship could be a life-or-death action, but one day changed all that. I was holding on to a small ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet above the ground like a giant cat toy. "O well," I thought,"this is going to be a good bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I anticipated the sharp shock of the rope in my climbing harness. But there was no jolt. I began falling for what felt like eternity. As it turns out, my climbing partner had let go of the rope as I had slipped off the ledge. She panicked and did not catch the rope until I had fallen 15 feet to what I was sure was my upcoming death. Eventually the rope finally stopped and I felt a massive jolt, both emotionally and physically. My whole dating profession made a 180-degree turn when I began carrying my dates on fun activities rather than dinners. Some of these activities worked better than others. However, I found out that the most crucial elements to a great
date place could be distilled into three classes: Walkability -- Do we have to sit together or can we walk around? When you're walking, your scenery is shifting so you can grab new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked man on rollerblades!" Action -- Can we do the activity reasonably well? I've seen men get this one fairly wrong. It's fun to teach someone something that you are passionate about, but be certain it's not too hard. Taking a woman rock climbing? Make sure she isn't scared of heights first. Scalability -- Would the date grow or shrink in scale as needed? Having a terrific time? Great! Let's go get dessert! No chemistry? No issue, how do we end the date sooner? With these three criteria, I crafted a three date sequence that nearly doubled the number of successful dates I went on. I know what you are thinking,"This man took women out to the same areas like it was some kind of regimented assembly line?" This was my go-to order, but, depending on interests, I would substitute different activities to keep the dates intriguing. This was merely a template that simplified my choices and decreased the cognitive load I was putting in my mind. Happy brain = Happy dates. So here is my ideal dating arrangement: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks every Friday from the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the difficulties of inviting someone out to dinner is that everybody has different food preferences. Then (if you're a man ) you have to account for cost of meals. Off the grid accomplishes this since there are over 20 different types of (affordable) cuisine. Additionally, it allows you to walk around, people watch, and get drinks. Feel like going all out? Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a few go-tos, specifically: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the shore. Why I like it: What these actions had in common were the 3 factors: walkability, action, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, grab cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favorite bar, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we can alternate between activity and talking. If we did a picnic on the shore, we can go for romantic walks or huddle around a fire pit on Ocean Beach. Date #3 -- Cal Academy Adult Night: An adult-only night at the Cal Academy of Sciences where you can catch drinks and look at exhibits. Why I like it: This date was especially important because if a girl had made it #3, it meant I actually liked her. It also meant we might take the relationship to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, plus it was a semi-formal occasion so we could both dress nicely for that special night. This was also my secret test because if a woman did not like science and facts it probably wouldn't work out between us anyway. Listen to each of the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are just three examples of how to take online dating offline and make a reasonably successful dating arrangement. Here are a few ideas on what to search for on each date as you try to create your own dating
sequence: Date #1: Look for a casual environment that isn't intimidating. Dark bars or loud places do not make for great conversation. Be sure that you can reliably go to this area, so avoid places with long waits or where you need to make reservations. Make sure you can schedule the date for a weeknight (try not to book a person's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You've broken the ice and you have both agreed to a second date, so have fun with this one! Choose an activity you'll both like that isn't too tricky. Ideally choose an activity which has a cadence where you alternate between doing something and talking. Going on a 10 mile run is great for exercise, but it does not allow for conversation. Watching a movie at a movie theater has similar limits. Date #3: You confirmed you like each other, it's time to take it to the next level. Try to make this date a little more special than the first two. It should be romantic, it should test how compatible you both really are, and it should confirm whether you want to keep on seeing each other long term. After the excitement of dates and two, there may be a lull in date 3, so make sure whatever you select gives new intimacy to the connection. For instance, if I did not go to the Cal Academy I would go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Getting your Timing Right maybe among the most crucial pieces of the internet dating mystery that I see guys screw up again and again is time. Assuming the man is the one forcing the relationship sequence (which is not necessarily the case) there are a few questions you need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? When should you go for the kiss? Here I'll share my answers to these questions that I've found most helpful. But again, depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort your answers may vary. I'll share my experience (as a heterosexual man living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The important thing is to actually consider timing, rather than leaving it up to"feeling" Going from Online to Offline It is very easy to let a great online conversation die out. You message , she messages you, back and forth, forth and back. To be able to make certain that I don't waste all my time with internet conversations I found that it was best to ask a girl to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or roughly 20 minutes of continuous conversation. Again, try not to linger in the safe-space of this virtual world too long. It might feel like it's necessary, but it's quite easy to waste plenty of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 once I was 25, functioning as"the new man" in a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales team. One thing that I noticed is that every time they were finishing a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week then? O that's no good also. Okay how about the week after that?" Regardless of what the prospect said, the salesperson would always insist on at least"penciling" the next meeting into the calendar with the option of cancelling if desired. When I took this technique and applied it to dating, it led to a pretty incredible results. This rule is somewhat
contrarian, but it has worked really well: Always request the second date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you are putting yourself out there. You are opening yourself up to strangers and in return you are getting plenty of uncertainty. No one likes uncertainty. No one likes to look at their phone every hour to determine if you've texted them or not. Nobody likes to wonder whether you like them or not. Surprisingly, most individuals do not mind if you do not like them, they only want to know. So my suggestion would be to quit playing games, both with another person and with yourself. If you like them, tell them you like them. If you don't, have the respect to let them know you don't. (A gentle means to do this is by telling them that you aren't prepared to date at this time. I had a girl tell me this and it was the easiest let down I have ever experienced and used it later myself too). I must pause here for one caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get really excited by the person they've just met and then they proceed to text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day. Stop Chasing Shadows When I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He told me,"Women are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the more they run away. The more you run away, the more they pursue you." If you find someone who you want to be with really badly, don't scare them away by being obsessive. If they like you too, there is no need to chase them. Yes, you should actively try to establish a date, but there is no reason to go on dates every single night of the week. Allow the relationship to have some breathing room. A good way to judge if a relationship is going well is if you end up missing the other person and vice versa. There is a great deal of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there is even scientific proof for it also. In several studies, anthropologists have discovered that many primates invest more effort into a relationships if the individuals in that relationship have been forced apart. What is interesting is that researchers at the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same is true in humans. By data mining cell phone records and comparing call patterns and length, the researchers at the university found that people will also invest more effort into relationships if there is a probability of that connection weakening. I tried applying this research to relationship in a relatively straightforward way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse between dates, paradoxically, makes the relationship strengthen rather than weaken.
My cadence for dating I found worked fairly well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- variable This arrangement meant that I'd spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for sufficient time for the connection to mature and helped me make sure I did not suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the start of the post, these relationship approaches helped me tremendously, but depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process may have to be different than the one above. In actuality, because relationship is such an emotional activity (like job hunting), it is vital to have a system set up that will assist you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you're getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on a real rollercoaster, it would be foolish to simply hop on and hold on. Making sure you have that lap belt secured and that you've been on a few less intense rides can help you enjoy the ride a whole lot more. As we frequently discuss about the podcast, when you let go of expectations and only make your goal just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Like the help of world wide investors, you need to diversify your portfolio and decrease your risk of catastrophic failure. A way of doing that is by going on dates that are not just sit-down dinners, so that regardless of how your relationship partner behaves, at least you'll have a fantastic time doing something fun. And, to minimize the risk, you need to build both an outreach and dating sequence so you decrease the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Find a few activities you like doing and then fit the dates into those activities. This is also a great way to filter out people who aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long term. Of course, irrespective of how well I did all the above items, I still had my share of terrible dates. The woman who used me as a meal program being just one of several. But bear in mind, once you're feeling down and like giving up on love altogether: "You're not as bad as they say you are, you are also not as good as you think you are." Take every date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you work on yourself, improving your conversations, your dates, and your connection with others, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. If you enjoyed this post, I'd super appreciate if you hit the green hand clap button below so that more folks can find it. And, if you have any more questions about dating, hear our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the display.
