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1. THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: Tips, tricks, and manipulations to navigate the pains and pitfalls She looked me directly in the eyes and smiled. Again, I looked at her and then looked at the bill. Still, no response. It definitely wasn't my best moment, but it wasn't hers either. Apparently, as I found out afterwards, I had fallen into a trap called"the meal plan." The meal plan, if you're unfamiliar with it, is when girls go on dates with men merely to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she certainly fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all the dates I had gone on until that point: all 37 dates to be precise. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like this? Especially since I was being so vulnerable by putting myself out there to ask them out in the first location. As I matured in my internet relationship, however, I realized that this was really a response for what men do to women. There are 3 major levers in our lives which, if we pull on them properly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships are the difference between depression and elation. I discovered this firsthand because in the last 5 years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at once. I quit the career I had been building for over 7 years and I left my 10-year connection with my girlfriend that I believed I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and dating newcomer. I was scared. I was scarred. After 9 months of misery and frustration I was going to give up on online dating all together. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene triggered and a small voice in my head said,"you are going to give up? No, no you're not. You're going to kick on online dating's ass!" I started to channel my misery into anger, and my anger into determination. I began to approach online dating like one big experiment. I started creating what I predicted,"The Process." In this blog post I'll take you through the entire process I chose to learn online dating. By optimizing your profile, A/B analyzing your descriptions, beginning meaningful conversations, and even crafting interesting dates. We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so you can't only get dates, but maybe discover the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I must preface that based on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process may have to be different than the below. However, the important takeaway here is to pull back the

2. feelings that come from relationship and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I will go meet interesting people and do interesting things," you will be more inclined to enjoy the process. And, if you're diligent, you may end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I've been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 years and we have moved in together. So maybe these strategies are not all that mad, but perhaps they are, I'll leave it for you to judge. Listen to the Modern Dating Show Podcast for more tips, tricks, and embarrassingly real stories. Note: You can also listen to the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a whole lot of these approaches as we browse the current struggles and embarrassments of his own relationship journey (and answer listener questions). The absolute most frequent error I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is that they don't define their goal clearly. Deep down inside, most of us know whether we are searching for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario I've found is that both women and men who are searching for a meaningful relationship are optimizing their dating for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with online dating, she asked me to help her with her OKCupid profile. She's a remarkably smart and capable woman and she's' quite beautiful, a real 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she would need my help. The photos I saw in her profile looked like they belonged more on thechive.com rather than on any dating site. Basically, in order to optimize for receiving dates, Maddy had chosen to just include her most provocative photographs. Now I want to be clear, there's nothing wrong with girls having"promiscuous" photos online. The problem, in the case of dating, is the format of a relationship and what you contribute with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to intuitively pick up on visual clues much faster than written hints. In actuality, they've found that men who are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by without even activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles conceal most information other than the profile photo before a user clicks, leading with provocative photos sets a bad first impression. So, while it is totally fine to have sexy photos up in your instagram, leading together on your online dating profile is sending signals that may be attracting the wrong type of guy. There are also lots of classy ways to have intriguing pictures that speak to more than just the unconscious brain. Internet Dating pictures can be both classy and intriguing So, although Maddy was trying to find a relationship, her photos were only sending signals that she's searching for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag men filling up her inbox. For men, we tend to have the opposite problem. Every man who has done online dating will testify to the battle of getting a woman to swipe directly on their

3. profile, let alone to get them to participate in a conversation. Guys, this is completely your own fault. I've seen guys spend hours talking about the statistics of their favourite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, as well as how financial reports will influence the team's chances. But, when it comes to online dating, men have a tendency to slap a few pictures in their profile and then begin swiping like orangutans till their palms develop calluses. Guys, stop. Before you start creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you're trying to achieve. Are you trying to date a great deal of people? Or are you trying to find a meaningful relationship? And"both" isn't an answer. As the saying goes... "If you try to appeal to everybody, you will appeal to no one." The techniques I'll outline below work for either desired outcome, but the choices you make will significantly affect your"conversion" rate. For example, the first time I mastered everything in this procedure, I started going on a lot of dates (3--4 per week, weekly ), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I only realized months later that, while it's good to go on a great deal of dates and get practice dating (recall I was off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to make sure I was dating the right folks. Luckily I realized this before I was the victim of any more"meal programs " STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile pictures and descriptions According to a study from Princeton, it is projected that in any relationship, whether its social or work, we make our mind up about whether we like the person in less than 1 second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is the first impression you make is based solely on your profile image. They don't get to hear you speak. They do not get to shake your hand. They don't get to smell you (it is a thing). All you get is one picture and there's a 99% chance it is the wrong one. If one is approaching online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to check is your profile picture. I first started this process in a very unscientific way... I went to every female friend I knew and asked her what she thought of my pictures. One hundred, and I mean 100% of these said that my first picture was not my best. It was interesting feedback, but I was not certain how I could test multiple pictures considering I could only put

4. one as the default. The answer: testing across apps. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, along with the dreaded Tindr. I kept my profile description the same on every profile, but I set up another profile image on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles until I could get a large enough sample size and be certain that the platform was not effecting results. Four of my actual dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture which I thought was my best was always the one with the least games. Interestingly enough, a film I did not read into, pic B, was actually a massive turn off for pretty much 100 percent of women. I was shocked when I found this out, because the two women in that photo are actually good friends of mine, so that I never would have made that connection. Sometimes your photographs can be your biggest blind spot. To completely test out this idea, I really enrolled a few friends (both men and women) to the experiment and had them change their profile pictures. This is a super simple optimization that can look to be a pain today, but it is going to save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20% of work that will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them frequently. Top Tip: If you would like to speed up this process, you can actually ask your games what they think of your own pictures. If a conversation with a game was not going well, I decided to at least get some"user comments" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photos she thought was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I was not getting jobs.) In highschool I had a history teacher, Mr. Hernandez, who gave me perhaps the worst piece of advice I've ever received:"just be yourself." Now, a part of the error might be my fault, because I took his advice very literally. I began to speak my mind, dress how I wanted to dress, and act how I wished to act. This turned out to be a horrible idea. Without any filter or thought behind my actions, I rubbed over a few people the wrong way. Now that I've matured a bit, I have come to understand that there's a difference between being your total self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we're never our total selves except when we're by ourselves.

5. Seth Godin has a wonderful podcast on"signals," which you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we actively choose which signs to give to other men and women. A guy wearing a button up shirt, as an example, is not necessarily wealthy, but the button up top is putting out the sign that he's wealthy. Much like a person who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is signaling she does not wish to follow society's rules, the guy in the button up shirt is indicating that he is okay with following convention. In college I met a girl at a party who immediately caught my attention. I approached her and we instantly hit off. We spent the entire party dancing and flirting. We made plans to have a lunch date in the college cafeteria after that week. I got to the cafeteria early and chose to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a woman walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace around her neck. At first I did not even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we began talking. I was that man. I did not care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized that we had practically nothing in common. The outfit she had used as a sign at the party did not match her personality in any way. We ended the date cordially and moved on. Choosing your signs is great, but choosing false signals not so much. You do not want to lie, but you also don't want to be your total self. You want to tell them about how you collect classic records, you do not want to let them know about how you cry every time a U2 song comes on. You need to tell them about how you volunteer at the animal shelter, you do not need to let them know about how you ran over your cat. First impressions matter. Crafting a fantastic description is perhaps the most difficult and personal piece of improving your online dating profile. There's absolutely no right answer, but there are definitely some wrong answers. The first step to having a good dating profile description is using a clear structure. I break down a dating profile description into 3 components: Headline: A short sentence somebody can read quickly.

6. Intro Paragraph: A bit longer description that gives some colour to your interests and character. Call to Action: A desired action you want them to take. Online dating is inherently awkward, so help the other person by letting them know something that you can talk about. Ladies this is especially true for you. If you do not want guys messaging you"hey" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to start the conversation with. Unfortunately, people tend to surf internet dating programs the way they surf social media sites: quickly and without much thought. It could be, in fact, that mobile devices have trained us to surf everything in a similar manner. Because of this, I think the headline is perhaps the most important piece of your description and you need to try different variations until you find one that is right for you. After a lot of testing I discovered that this one worked best for me: "Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active." The goal of the headline is to give a quick snapshot of what is unique about you. Having a headline that's authentic, interesting, and brief acts like a stop sign for the person who is scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their phone. It is likely that they'll laugh at the question. As any solid content marketer knows, terrific content is all about respecting the medium that you're creating the content for. By way of instance, if I went up to a woman at a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, energetic," she'll definitely get up and leave. The opposite is true for online relationship, however. You need your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or one sentence, and be sure that it is quintessentially you. The Intro Paragraph After that initial curiosity is peaked, you should begin paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This is not the time to write a book about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this individual, your picture and headline being the first two. The intro paragraph provides a little bit of colour and possibly some talking points that you two can talk about in conversation (again, ladies, this is incredibly important to add if you would like to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph which worked best for me was: "I love being outdoors as much as you can! Some of my favorite items are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I'm a creative at heart but I love learning about businesses and new ideas. I'm into photography, design, and Tim Ferriss. My ideal Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a good book at Promenade cafe." This paragraph outlines a couple of basic activities and hobbies I like and some non-standard items like business,

7. design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The main thing to remember about this section is to prevent the generic actions that could apply to pretty much anyone. I can not tell Discover more here you how many profiles I've seen that list things like: "I like hanging out with friends, watching movies, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I'm sure there are people in the world who don't like watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95% or more of those people in your area enjoy those things too. As opposed to trying to fit in, attempt to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so it's possible to find common ground, but also things which are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Most people like being outside and photography. -- Some people like surfing, climbing, and volleyball. -- But very few people like learning about businesses or Tim Ferriss. The Call To Action This is optional, even though it certainly helps. In marketing, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they've viewed your content. In dating, you essentially need the person to message you. This seems like a no brainer, but I've found that a whole lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they finally become discouraged from making initial contact. I've heard countless stories of girls who have matched with a man who they really like, but the man never messages them. When I ask them why they do not message first, they say that they don't know what to say or they don't want to seem desperate. Butobviously you do not want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have a single section that states: My CTA goes as follows: "You should message me if you're an interesting person who likes to play outside." Again, as with all this advice, when in doubt just test it out. Try having a call to action and see whether your conversations improve. When they don't, simply delete it. The attractiveness of dating programs is that rather than having 1--5 opportunities to make a relationship, as you would if you went to a bar for example, you have thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with.

8. STEP 3 -- Making first contact and chatting The place where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" dating is when it has to do with the conversation. Having to talk online as your initial conversation is a huge limitation when you're trying to begin a new relationship. For starters, it's a very unnatural way of communicating, because it's been proven that we receive 55% of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communication. It is logical then that if you take countless people and put them in an unnatural communication environment you get some pretty unnatural conversations. While it might be fun to play around with bizarre conversation openers, if you're serious about finding a good relationship through online relationship, then it's a good idea to study your results a little bit. This gave me the chance to begin testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I just would not have been able to see if I didn't have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I will spare you some of the terrible thoughts I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's test how well you can judge a fantastic opener from a poor one. For bonus points, try to order them from most effective to least effective. A) "Hey! How's it going?" B) "Hey! (or any other variation of the sort of question). How did you like X book?" (based on a book they listed in their profile) I will allow you to think about it for a second. (I will add some space before the answer below. Scroll as soon as you're ready.) Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer And the answer is... If you guessed D, you picked the best answer! (If you guessed C, you chose the worst answer.)

9. In order of best to worst, the answers are D, B, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to some conversation starter. While I found the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X novel," that clearly depends if they have put a book in their profile. You can alter this to ask about some other part of their profile, like a picture or a place in their pictures. The reason why I guess the book one works best though is because a) it shows you really read their profile and b) it indicates that you read. If I may use the book opener to start a conversation I usually also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x publication? (This is the way I opened the conversation with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I began with this opener felt much more natural and moved beyond a few messages. The next best choice,"Hey! How was your weekend?" Works almost as well, but it is obviously confined to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be strange if you used this on a Friday). An alternate version I tried on Thursdays or Fridays was,"Hey! This worked pretty well, but not nearly as well. I suspect it's because it seems too much like I'm going to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think of something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you've made contact and another person has responded, it's time to have a conversation. Every dialog changes, but there are a few guidelines that I'll put in here as hints. First, some online dating tips for men: DON'T attempt to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can't tell you the number of messages my female friends have shown me that sound objectively psychotic. The sad thing is that I know that the guy is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation like you want a friend. DO attempt to talk about things she is interested in but also add your own ideas. One of the most common complaints I have heard from female friends is they feel like they're being interviewed. Make certain that you ask questions, but that you also discuss things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her body or appearance. Regardless of how well intentioned you are, it will be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you are so beautiful! You've got a cute smile! You are..." will only result in a polite"thank you" and won't create meaningful conversation. Now, a few online dating suggestions for girls: DO be nice and help direct the conversation. Even when I have tried to be friendly and nice, I have still received very curt or standoff-ish responses. No matter how much guys pretend they don't care about the dialogue, they do. And they normally have no clue what they are doing, so offer them some help and direct the dialogue in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking any of your own. If you are tired of discussions feeling such as interviews, then make sure that you ask the guy about things he's interested in as well.

10. DON'T make judgments too soon. In my experience women tend to place a good deal more thought into their text messages than men do. If a guy says something that looks weird or strange, give him the benefit of the doubt and do not read too much into it, chances are he did not either. Now a suggestion for the two parties: Attempt to move the dialogue from online to in real life relatively quickly. Online dating is a great tool to meet someone, but it's just that. It is a tool, it is not actual dating. My overall recommendation for moving from online to in real life is one long conversation or two brief conversations. It should never take more than a week to establish a date. Thus, if you match with each other on a Monday, you should definitely have started talking about using a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the apps, but also get off them quickly. In real life is a lot more fun too if you know how to set up good dates... Step 4 -- Creating a date sequence that will cause you to smile more and sweat less Once I had mastered the online portion of dating, I soon realized that securing the date is just half the battle. The second half of this battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you have even set out from your residence. Where you have your date decides about 50--70 percent of the outcome of the date. But first a question... Where's the worst place to have a date? As it turns out, it is actually at the most commonly selected dating place: A sit-down restaurant. At first I was taking all of my dates to restaurants for dinner. Boring, I know. But remember, I was completely new to relationship so I was only following what I'd seen in movies. Many of them didn't go well, but I wasn't sure why. After a dozen or so embarrassing (and pricey ) dates, I decided that I should experiment with several other locations. What happened next was absolutely mind blowing. Almost like flipping a light switch, my dates improved tremendously. It was not I was doing anything differently or that I had been choosing better girls to go on dates with, it was merely a matter of context.

11. Here's why I believe dinner dates don't work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger out a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a desk. You begin speaking, then the waiter interrupts asking about drinks. You continue to speaking. The waiter interrupts again for your food order. You are not ready to order since you have been talking. The waiter provides you"another minute." You examine the menu making comments about the choices. The waiter comes back ten minutes later. You order food. Then you run out of things to discuss. What should you do next? There are no exits, nothing around to comment on, nothing to see or do. You have to keep talking. A dinner date provides no choices. It is a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost instantly. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that most of us are getting worse at getting in-person discussions. Spending so much time online has enhanced our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in-person communication skills. Therefore, if we are getting worse at getting in-person discussions, why would you bet your whole love life on the fact that you'll be able to have an amazing in-person conversation with a complete stranger? 3 Rules for Creating Great Dates I never thought that dating could be a life-or-death activity, but one day changed all that. I was holding on to a small ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet above the ground like a giant cat toy. My fingers started to sweat and I knew that I couldn't hold on to the ledge much longer. "O well," I thought,"this is going to be a good bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I anticipated the sharp shock of the rope on my climbing harness. But there was no jolt. I started falling for what felt like eternity. As it turns out, my climbing partner had let go of the rope as I had slipped off the ledge. She panicked and didn't grab the rope until I had fallen 15 feet to what I was certain was my upcoming death. Finally the rope eventually stopped and I felt a huge jolt, both physically and emotionally. "Okay this date might be a little too exciting," I thought. My whole dating career made a 180-degree turn once I started taking my dates on fun activities instead of dinners. Some of these activities worked better than others. However, I found out that the most essential elements to a great date place could be distilled into three classes: Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you are walking, your landscape is changing so that you can grab new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked man on rollerblades!" (It is San Francisco after all). Activity -- Can we do the action reasonably well? I've seen men get this one pretty wrong. It's fun to teach someone something that you are passionate about, but be certain it's not too hard. Taking a woman rock climbing? Make sure she is not scared of heights first.

12. Scalability -- Can the date increase or shrink in scale as needed? Having a terrific time? Great! No chemistry? No issue, how can we end the date earlier? Using these three criteria, I crafted a three date sequence that nearly doubled the number of successful dates I went on. I know what you are thinking,"This guy took women out to the very same areas like it was some kind of regimented assembly line?" No. This was my go-to sequence, but, depending on interests, I would substitute different activities to keep the dates intriguing. This was simply a template that simplified my choices and reduced the cognitive load I was putting on my brain. So here's my perfect dating arrangement: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks each Friday from the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the difficulties of inviting someone out to dinner is that everybody has different food preferences. Then (if you are a man ) you've got to account for cost of food. Off the grid solves this since there are over 20 distinct types of (affordable) cuisine. It also lets you walk around, people watch, and get drinks. It is possible to extend the date by getting dessert or listening to the live bands. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a couple of go-tos, namely: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the beach. Why I like it: These actions had in common were the 3 factors: walkability, action, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, grab cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favourite pub, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we could alternate between activity and talking. Date #3 -- Cal Academy Adult Night: An adult-only night in the Cal Academy of Sciences where you can catch drinks and look at exhibits. Why I like it: This date was especially important because if a woman had made it #3, it meant I really liked her. It also meant we might take the relationship to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, plus it was a semi-formal event so we can both dress well for that special night. This was also my secret evaluation because if a girl did not like facts and science it probably wouldn't work out between us anyway. Listen to all the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are just three examples of how to take online dating offline and create a reasonably successful dating sequence. Here are a few tips on what to look for on each date as you attempt to create your own dating arrangement: Date #1: Search for a casual environment that is not intimidating. Dark bars or loud places don't make for good conversation. Make sure that you can reliably visit this place, so avoid places with long waits or where you will need to make reservations. Make sure you can schedule the date for a weeknight (try not to book someone's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You've broken the ice and you have both agreed to another date, so have fun with this one! Select an

13. activity you'll both like that isn't too difficult. Avoid intimidating actions like karaoke, group sports, or water skiing. Ideally choose an activity that has a cadence in which you alternate between doing something and speaking. Going on a 10 mile run is fantastic for exercise, but it doesn't allow for conversation. Seeing a movie at a movie theater has similar limits. Date #3: You both confirmed you enjoy each other, it is time to bring it to the next level. Try to make this date a little more special than the first two. It should be romantic, it should test how compatible you both really are, and it should confirm whether you want to keep on seeing each other long term. Following the excitement of dates one and two, there may be a lull in date 3, so make sure whatever you choose provides new intimacy to the connection. For example, if I did not go to the Cal Academy I'd go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Getting your Timing Right Perhaps among the most crucial pieces of the online dating puzzle that I see guys screw up again and again is timing. Assuming the man is the one driving the dating sequence (which is not always the case) there are a few questions you need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? How long should you wait between date 1 and date 2? When should you sleep together? Here I will share my answers to these questions that I've found most helpful. But again, depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort your answers may vary. I will share my experience (as a heterosexual male living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The important thing is to actually think about timing, as opposed to leaving it up to"feeling." Going from Online to Offline It's very easy to let a great online conversation die out. You message , she messages you, back and forth, forth and back. To be able to make sure I don't waste all my time with internet conversations I found that it was best to ask a girl to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or about 20 minutes of continuous conversation. Again, try not to linger in the safe-space of this virtual world too long. It may feel like it's necessary, but it's very easy to waste a lot of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 once I was 25, functioning as"the new man" at a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales team. Every day I overheard their sales calls where they would utilize their jedi mind tricks to close deals with multi- million dollar accounts. One thing I noticed is that every time they were ending a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week after that? O that's no good also. Okay how about the week after that?" No matter what the prospect said, the salesperson would insist on at least"penciling" another meeting to the calendar with the option of cancelling if needed. Once I took this technique and applied it to dating, it led to a pretty incredible results. This rule is somewhat contrarian, but it has worked really well: Always ask for the second date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you're putting yourself out there. You're opening yourself up to strangers and in return you are getting plenty of uncertainty.

14. No one likes uncertainty. No one likes to check their phone every hour to determine if you've texted them or not. Nobody likes to wonder if you like them or not. Surprisingly, most individuals do not mind if you do not like them, they just want to know. So my suggestion would be to quit playing games, both with another person and with yourself. If you don't, have the respect to let them know you don't. (A gentle means to do this is by telling them you are not prepared to date at this time. I had a woman tell me and it was the easiest let down I've ever experienced and used it later myself too). I should pause here for one caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not constantly. Nobody likes to be smothered or chased constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get very excited by the person they have just met and they then proceed to text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day. Stop Chasing Shadows When I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He told me,"Girls are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the longer they run away. The more you run away, the more they pursue you." If you discover someone who you would like to be with really poorly, don't frighten them away by being fanatical. If they like you as well, there is no need to chase them. Yes, you should consciously try to establish a date, but there's no reason to go on dates each and every night of the week. Allow the relationship to have some breathing room. A good way to judge whether a relationship is going well is if you end up missing the other person and vice versa. There is a great deal of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there's even scientific proof for it as well. In several studies, anthropologists have discovered that many primates invest more effort into a relationships if the individuals in that connection have been forced apart. What is interesting is that researchers in the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same is true in humans. By data mining mobile phone records and comparing telephone patterns and length, the researchers at the university found that humans may also invest more effort into relationships if there is a risk of that relationship weakening. I tried applying this research to dating in a relatively straightforward way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse in between dates, ironically, makes the relationship strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship that I found worked fairly well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2

15. Date 4 -- factor This arrangement meant that I would spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for sufficient time for the connection to mature and helped me make sure I didn't suffocate my dates, which was especially helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the start of this post, these relationship approaches helped me tremendously, but based upon your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your procedure might have to be different than the one above. The important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come out of dating. In actuality, because dating is such an emotional activity (similar to job hunting), it is vital to have a system in place that will assist you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you're getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on an actual rollercoaster, it would be foolish to just jump and continue. Making sure you have that lap belt secured and that you've been on a few less extreme rides will help you enjoy the ride a good deal more. As we often discuss about the podcast, even when you let go of expectations and only create your goal just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Like the advice of world wide investors, you need to diversify your portfolio and decrease your risk of catastrophic failure. A means of doing that is by going on dates that aren't just sit-down dinners, so that no matter how your dating partner behaves, at least you will have a good time doing something interesting. And, to minimize the risk, you need to build both an outreach and relationship sequence so you decrease the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Find a few activities you enjoy doing and then match the dates into these activities. This is also a wonderful way to filter out people that aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long run. Of course, irrespective of how well I did all of the above items, I still had my share of terrible dates. The girl who used me as a meal program being just one of several. Dating is a rollercoaster that will scare you, challenge you, and sometimes make you wish you had never gotten on. But remember, when you're feeling down and like giving up on love altogether: "You're never as bad as they say you are, you're also not as good as you think you are." Take every date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you work on your own, improving your discussions, your dates, and your connection with others, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. Until then, strap in and enjoy the ride. If you enjoyed this post, I would super appreciate if you hit the green hand clap button below to ensure that more folks can discover it. And, if you've any more questions about dating, listen to our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the display.