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1. I looked at her and then looked at the dinner bill. She looked me directly in the eyes and smiled. Still, no response. It definitely was not my best moment, but it was not hers either. Apparently, as I discovered later, I had fallen into a trap called"the meal program." The meal program, if you're unfamiliar with it, is when women go on dates with men merely to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she definitely fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all the dates I had gone on until there: all 37 dates to be exact. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like that? As I matured in my internet relationship, however, I understood that this was actually a reaction for what men do to women. There are three major levers in our lives that, if we pull them correctly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships can be the difference between depression and elation. I discovered this firsthand because in the last 5 years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at the same time. I stopped the career I had been building for more than 7 years and I left my 10-year connection with my girlfriend that I thought I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and relationship newcomer. I was depressed. I was scared. I was scarred. After 9 months of misery and frustration I was about to give up on online dating all together. One day, I was sitting in the shower feeling sorry for myself for over an hour. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene triggered and a small voice in my head said,"you're going to give up? No, no you're not. You're going to kick online dating's ass!" I began to channel my distress into anger, and my anger into determination. I began to approach online dating like one big experiment. I started creating what I predicted,"The Process." In this blog post I'll take you through the whole process I took to learn online dating. From optimizing your profile, A/B testing your descriptions, starting meaningful conversations, and even crafting interesting dates. We'll discuss how to streamline the online dating process so you can't only get dates, but possibly discover the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I must preface that based on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process might need to be different than the under. However, the important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from dating and treat it like an experiment.

2. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I'm going to go meet interesting people and do interesting things," you will be more likely to enjoy the procedure. And, if you're diligent, you might end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I have been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 decades and we have moved in together. So maybe these strategies aren't all that crazy, but maybe they are, I will leave it for you to judge. Note: You can also listen to the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a lot of these strategies as we navigate the present struggles and embarrassments of his own dating journey (and answer listener questions). STEP 1 -- Decide what you're looking for The absolute most frequent mistake I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is they don't define their goal clearly. Deep down inside, the majority of us know whether we're searching for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario I've discovered is that both men and women who are looking for a meaningful relationship are optimizing their relationship for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with online dating, she asked me to help her with her OKCupid profile. She's an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' quite beautiful, a real 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she would need my help. Basically, in order to maximize for receiving dates, Maddy had chosen to only include her most provocative photos. Now I want to be clear, there's nothing wrong with girls having"promiscuous" photos online. The problem, in the case of dating, is the arrangement of a relationship and what you lead with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to intuitively pick up on visual cues much faster than written clues. In fact, they've found that men that are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by without even activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles conceal most information aside from the profile photograph until a user clicks, leading with provocative photos sets a bad first impression. So, while it's totally fine to have hot photos up in your instagram, leading with them in your online dating profile is sending signals that may be attracting the wrong sort of guy. Additionally, there are lots of classy ways to possess intriguing pictures that speak to more than just the unconscious brain. Internet Dating pictures can be both classy and intriguing So, although Maddy was trying to find a relationship, her photographs were only sending signals that she's looking for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag men filling up her inbox.

3. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 4 Every man who has done online dating will attest to the struggle of getting a woman to swipe directly on their profile, let alone to get them to participate in a conversation. Men, this is entirely your own fault. I have seen men spend hours talking about the numbers of their favorite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, and even how financial reports will effect the team's chances. However, when it comes to online dating, guys have a tendency to slap a few pictures in their profile and then start swiping like orangutans till their fingers develop calluses. Men, stop. Before you begin creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you are trying to attain. Are you trying to date a great deal of people? Or are you trying to find a meaningful relationship? And"both" is not an answer. "If you try to appeal to everyone, you will interest no one." The techniques I will outline Click here below work for either desired outcome, but the choices you make will significantly affect your"conversion" rate. By way of instance, the first time I mastered everything in this process, I started going on a great deal of dates (3-- 4 per week, every week), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I just realized months later that, while it's great to go on a great deal of dates and get practice dating (remember I had been off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to make sure I was dating the perfect people. Fortunately I realized this before I had been the victim of any more"meal plans" STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile pictures and descriptions First impressions matter. According to a study from Princeton, it is projected that in any relationship, whether its work or social, we make up our mind about whether we like the person in less than 1 second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile image. They don't get to hear you talk. They do not get to shake your hand. They do not get to smell you (it's a thing). All you get is one picture and there is a 99% chance it's the wrong one. If a person is approaching online dating as an experiment, obviously the first thing to check is your profile picture.

4. I started this process in a very unscientific way... One hundred, and I mean 100% of them said that my first picture wasn't my best. It was interesting feedback, but I was not certain how I could test numerous pictures considering that I could only put one as the default option. The answer: testing across apps. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, along with the dreaded Tindr. I retained my profile description the same on each profile, but I set up a different profile image on each. I rotated the images across profiles before I could get a large enough sample size and be certain that the platform wasn't effecting results. Four of my actual dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture that I thought was my best was always the one with the least games. Interestingly enough, a picture that I didn't read into, pic B, was actually a massive turn off for pretty much 100% of girls. I was shocked when I found this out, because the two women in that photo are really good friends of mineso that I never would have made that connection. Sometimes your photos can be your greatest blind spot. To totally test out this idea, I really enrolled a couple of friends (both men and women) to the experiment and had them change out their profile pictures. They got varied results, but one thing was consistent: the picture they thought was their best, never performed the best. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 2 This is a super simple optimization that can look to be a pain now, but it is going to save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20% of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them often. Top Tip: If you would like to speed this process up, you can really ask your matches what they think of your own pictures. If a conversation with a match was not going well, I decided to at least get some"user comments" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photographs she believed was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I was not getting jobs.) Descriptions are negotiable In highschool I had a history teacher, Mr. Hernandez, who gave me perhaps the worst piece of advice I've ever received:"just be yourself"

5. Now, part of this error might be my fault, because I took his advice quite literally. I started to speak my mind, dress how I wanted to dress, and behave how I wished to act. This turned out to be a very bad idea. With no filter or thought behind my actions, I rubbed more than a few people the wrong way. Now that I have matured a bit, I've come to understand that there's a difference between being your overall self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are never our complete selves except when we are by ourselves. Seth Godin has a wonderful podcast on"signals," that you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we actively choose which signs to give to other people. A man wearing a button up shirt, as an example, is not always wealthy, but the button up shirt is putting out the sign that he is wealthy. Much like someone who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is indicating she does not want to follow society's rules, the guy in the button up shirt is signaling that he's okay with subsequent convention. Signals matter. In college I met a girl at a party who immediately caught my attention. She was wearing a summer dress, flower earrings, and looked really cute. I approached her and we instantly hit off. We spent the whole party dancing and flirting. We made plans to have a lunch date at the college cafeteria after that week. I got to the cafeteria early and decided to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a girl walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed all in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace round her neck. At first I did not even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we started talking. After some awkward conversation, she explained that her friends were sick of her being single so they'd dressed her up to be"cuter" for the party to attract a guy. I was that guy. I did not really care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized that we had almost nothing in common. The outfit she had used as a sign at the party didn't match her personality in any way. We ended the date cordially and moved on. Signals matter. Choosing your signs is good, but choosing false signals not so much. You do not need to lie, but you also don't want to be your total self. You need to tell them about how you collect classic records, you do not want to let them know about how you cry every time a U2 tune comes on. You want to tell them about the way you volunteer at the animal shelter, you do not need to let them know about how you ran over your cat.

6. First impressions matter. Crafting a fantastic description is perhaps the most difficult and personal piece of enhancing your online dating profile. There is absolutely no right answer, but there are some incorrect answers. The first step to having a good dating profile description is having a clear structure. I break down a relationship profile description into 3 parts: Headline: A short sentence somebody can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A bit longer description that provides some color to your interests and personality. Call to Action: A desired action you want them to take. Internet dating is inherently awkward, so help another person by letting them know something you two can talk about. Ladies this is particularly true for you. If you do not want guys messaging you"hello" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to begin the conversation with. Unfortunately, people tend to surf internet dating apps the way they surf social media sites: fast and without much thought. It could be, in actuality, that mobile devices have trained us to browse everything in a similar way. Because of this, I think the headline is possibly the most crucial piece of your description and you should try different variations until you find one that works for you. After a lot of testing I found that this one worked best for me: The goal of the headline is to give a quick snapshot of what's unique about you. Having a headline that's authentic, interesting, and short functions like a stop sign for the individual who's scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their cell phone. It is likely that they'll laugh at the question. As any good content marketer knows, terrific content is about respecting the medium that you are producing the content for. For example, if I went up to a woman in a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active," she will definitely get up and leave. The reverse is true for online dating, however. You need your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or a single sentence, and make certain that it is quintessentially you. Once that initial curiosity is peaked, you can start paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This isn't the time to write a book about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this individual, your picture and headline being the first two. The intro paragraph provides a little bit of colour and perhaps some talking points that you can discuss in chat (again, ladies, this is extremely important to include if you would like to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph that worked best for me was: "I love being outdoors as much as you can! Some of my favorite items are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I'm a creative at heart but I really like learning about new and businesses ideas. I'm into photography, layout, and Tim Ferriss.

7. My perfect Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a good book at Promenade cafe." This paragraph outlines a few basic activities and hobbies I like as well as some non-standard things like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The main thing to remember about this section is to avoid the generic activities that could apply to pretty much anyone. I can not tell you how many profiles I've seen that list things like: "I like hanging out with friends, watching films, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I'm sure that there are people in the world who don't enjoy watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95 percent or more of those folks in your area enjoy those things too. Rather than attempting to fit in, attempt to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so it's possible to find common ground, but also things which are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Many people like being outside and photography. -- But very few people like learning about companies or Tim Ferriss. This is optional, even though it certainly helps. In advertising, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they've viewed your content. In dating, you basically want the person to message you. This seems like a no brainer, but I've found that a lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they finally become discouraged from making first contact. I have heard countless stories of women who have paired with a man who they really like, but the guy never messages them. When I ask them why they do not message first, they say that they don't know what to say or they do not want to seem desperate. But, obviously you do not want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have an individual section that says: "You should message me if..." ← This is OkCupid's sub-heading but you can just manually add it on other online dating programs too. My CTA goes as follows: "You should message me if you're an interesting person who likes to play outdoors." Again, as with this information, when in doubt just test it out. Try using a call to action and see if your conversations improve. If they don't, simply delete it. The attractiveness of dating programs is that instead of having 1--5 chances to make a connection, as you would if

8. you went to a pub for instance, you have thousands of chances and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making first talking and contact The place where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" dating is when it has to do with the conversation. Having to chat online as your first conversation is a huge limitation when you're trying to begin a new relationship. For starters, it is a really unnatural way of communicating, because it's been proven that we receive 55 percent of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communicating. It is logical then that when you take countless people and set them in an unnatural communication environment you get some fairly unnatural conversations. While it might be fun to play around with bizarre conversation openers, if you're serious about finding a fantastic relationship through online relationship, then it is a fantastic idea to study your results a little bit. As I got better at optimizing my profile, I started matching with more and more people. This gave me the chance to begin testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I just would not have been able to determine if I did not have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I will spare you some of the terrible thoughts I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's test how well you can judge a good opener from a poor one. A) "Hey! What is it going?" How was your weekend?" C) "Question: Batman or Superman?" (or some other variation of this sort of question). How did you like X book?" (according to a book they listed in their profile) I'll let you consider it for a second. (I will add some distance before the reply below. Scroll as soon as you're ready.) Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response

9. And the answer is... If you guessed D, you picked the best answer! (If you guessed C, you chose the worst answer.) In order of best to worst, the replies are D, B, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to any conversation starter. While I found the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X novel," that obviously depends if they've put a book in their profile. You can modify this to ask about some other part of the profile, such as a picture or a location in their pictures. The reason I suspect that the book one works best though is because a) it shows you really read their profile and b) it shows that you read. If I may use the book opener to start a conversation I typically also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x publication? I am now reading'Losing my Virginity' by Richard Branson and highly recommend it!" (This is the way I opened the dialogue with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I started with this opener felt much more natural and went past a few messages. The second best option,"Hey! Works almost as well, but it's obviously confined to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be odd if you used this on a Friday). Have any fun plans for the weekend?" This worked pretty well, but not nearly as well. I suspect it is because it seems too much like I am about to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think of something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you have made contact and another person has responded, it's time to have a conversation. Every dialog changes, but there are some guidelines that I will put in here as suggestions. First, some online dating tips for guys: DON'T try to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can't tell you how many messages my female friends have shown me that sound objectively psychotic. The sad thing is I know that the man is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a regular conversation like you want a friend. DO attempt to talk about things she is interested in but also add your own thoughts. One of the most common complaints I've heard from female friends is they feel like they're being interviewed. Make certain that you ask questions, but that you also share things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her appearance or body. Irrespective of how well intentioned you are, it will be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you're so beautiful! You've got a cute smile! You're..." will only lead to a polite"thank you" and won't create meaningful conversation. Now, a few online dating suggestions for women: DO be nice and help guide the conversation. Even when I've tried to be nice and friendly, I've still received very curt or standoff-ish answers. No matter how much guys pretend they don't care about the conversation, they do. And they normally have no clue what they are doing, so offer them some help and direct the conversation in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking some of your own. If you're tired of discussions feeling such as interviews,

10. then be certain to ask the guy about things he is interested in as well. It takes two to tango. DON'T make conclusions too soon. In my experience women have a tendency to put a lot more thought into their text messages than guys do. If a guy says something that looks weird or strange, give him the benefit of the doubt and do not read too much into it, chances are he didn't either. Now a proposal for both parties: Try to move the conversation from online to in real life relatively quickly. Online dating is a excellent tool to meet someone, but it is just that. It is a tool, it is not actual dating. My overall recommendation for moving from online to in real life is either one long conversation or two brief conversations. It should never take more than a week to set up a date. So, if you match with each other on a Monday, you should definitely have begun talking about having a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the programs, but also get them off quickly. In real life is a lot more fun too if you know how to set up good dates... Step 4 -- Making a date sequence that will make you smile more and sweat less After I had mastered the online part of relationship, I soon realized that procuring the date is just half the battle. The second half of the battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you've even set out from your house. As they say in real estate: location, location, location. Where you have your date decides about 50--70 percent of the results of the date. But a question... Where's the worst place to have a date? As it turns out, it's actually at the most frequently selected dating location: A sit-down restaurant. Initially I was taking all of my dates to restaurants for dinner. But bear in mind, I was completely new to dating so I was only following what I had seen in movies. Many of them did not go well, but I wasn't certain why. After a dozen or so embarrassing (and pricey ) dates, I decided that I need to experiment with some other locations. What occurred next was absolutely mind blowing. Almost like flipping a light switch, my dates enhanced tremendously. It was not that I was doing anything differently or that I had been picking better girls to go on dates with, it was simply a matter of context. Here's why I believe dinner dates don't work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger out a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a table. You start talking, then the waiter interrupts asking about beverages. You choose beverages. You continue to speaking. The waiter interrupts again for your food order. You are not ready to order because you've been talking. The waiter

11. gives you"another minute." You look at the menu making comments about the choices. The waiter comes back ten minutes later. You talk and talk. You then run out of things to discuss. What do you do next? There are no exits, nothing around to comment on, nothing to see or do. You need to keep talking. Talk... Talk... Talk! A dinner date provides no choices. It's a singular task that depends on you connecting with a complete stranger almost immediately. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that most of us are getting worse at having in-person discussions. Spending so much time online has enhanced our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in-house communication abilities. So, if we're getting worse at having in-person conversations, why would you bet your whole love life on the fact you will be able to have an amazing in-person conversation with a complete stranger? 3 Rules for Creating Great Dates I never thought that dating could be a life-or-death action, but one day changed all that. I had been holding on to a small ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet over the floor like a giant cat toy. "O well," I thought,"this will be a good bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I expected the sharp jolt of the rope in my climbing harness. But there was no jolt. I started falling for what felt like eternity. As it turns out, my climbing partner had let go of the rope as I'd slipped off the ledge. She panicked and did not catch the rope until I had dropped 15 feet to what I was certain was my forthcoming death. Finally the rope eventually stopped and I felt a huge jolt, both emotionally and physically. My whole dating career made a 180-degree turn when I started carrying my dates on fun activities instead of dinners. Some of these activities worked better than others. But I found out that the most essential elements to a great date spot could be distilled into three categories: Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you are walking, your scenery is changing so you can grab new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked man on rollerblades!" Action -- Can we both do the activity reasonably well? I've seen guys get this one pretty wrong. It is fun to teach someone something that you're passionate about, but be certain it is not too hard. Taking a woman rock climbing? Make sure she isn't scared of heights first. Scalability -- Would the date increase or shrink in scale as needed? Having a terrific time? Great! Let's go get dessert! No chemistry? No issue, how can we end the date sooner? With these three criteria, I crafted a 3 date sequence which nearly doubled the amount of successful dates I went on. Now I know what you're thinking,"This guy took women out to the very same areas like it was some sort of regimented assembly line?" This was my go-to sequence, but, based on interests, I would substitute unique activities to keep the dates

12. intriguing. This was simply a template that simplified my choices and decreased the cognitive load I was putting on my brain. So here's my perfect dating arrangement: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks each Friday from the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the difficulties of inviting someone out to dinner is that everyone has different food tastes. Then (if you're a guy) you've got to account for cost of food. Off the grid solves this since there are over 20 distinct kinds of (affordable) cuisine. Additionally, it lets you walk around, people watch, and get drinks. It is possible to extend the date by getting dessert or listening to the live bands. Queue the awkward white-boy dance moves. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a couple of go-tos, specifically: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the beach. Why I like it: These actions had in common were the 3 variables: walkability, action, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, catch cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favourite bar, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we could alternate between activity and talking. Why I like it: This date was particularly important because if a girl had made it #3, it meant I actually liked her. Additionally, it meant we might take the relationship to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, also it was a semi-formal event so we could both dress nicely for that particular night. This was also my secret evaluation because if a girl didn't like science and facts it probably would not work out between us anyway. As an additional bonus, it was also a 20-min walk from my place, so that helped with the"scalability" of the evening. Listen to all the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are merely three examples of how to take online dating offline and make a reasonably successful dating arrangement. Here are a few ideas on what to search for on each date as you attempt to make your own dating sequence: Date #1: Look for a casual environment that is not intimidating. Dark bars or loud places don't make for good conversation. Be certain that you can reliably visit this area, so avoid places with long waits or where you will need to make reservations. Ensure you are able to schedule the date for a weeknight (try not to book someone's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You've broken the ice and you've both agreed to a second date, so have fun with this one! Choose an activity you'll both like that is not too tricky. Ideally choose an activity which has a cadence in which you alternate between doing something and talking. Going on a 10 mile run is great for exercise, but it does not allow for conversation. Watching a movie at a movie theater has similar limitations.

13. Date #3: You both confirmed you like each other, it's time to bring it to the next level. Try to make this date a bit more special than the first two. It should be romantic, it should test how compatible you both really are, and it ought to confirm whether or not you want to continue seeing each other long term. Following the excitement of dates one and two, there can be a lull in date 3, so be sure whatever you select provides new intimacy to the relationship. For instance, if I didn't visit the Cal Academy I'd go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Obtaining your Timing Right maybe among the most important pieces of the internet dating puzzle that I see men screw up again and again is timing. Assuming the guy is the one driving the relationship sequence (which isn't necessarily the case) there are some questions you need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? How long should you wait between date 1 and date 2? Here I'll share my answers to these questions that I've found most helpful. But again, depending upon your context, your culture, and your comfort your answers may vary. I'll share my experience (as a heterosexual man living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The main thing is to actually think about timing, as opposed to leaving it up to"feeling" Going from Online to Offline It's quite easy to let a great online dialog die out. You message her, she messages you, back and forth, back and forth. In order to make certain that I don't waste all my time with internet conversations I found it was best to ask a girl to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or roughly 20 minutes of continuous conversation. Again, try not to linger at the safe-space of this virtual world too long. It might feel like it's necessary, but it's very easy to waste plenty of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 once I was 25, working as"the new man" in a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales team. Every day I overheard their sales calls where they would use their jedi mind tricks to close deals with multi-million dollar balances. One thing I noticed is that every time they were finishing a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week after that? O that's no great also. Okay how about the week after that?" No matter what the prospect said, the salesperson would always insist on at least"penciling" the next meeting to the calendar with the option of cancelling if desired. When I took this technique and applied it to dating, it led to a pretty incredible results. This rule is a bit contrarian, but it has worked really well: Always ask for the next date on the first date.

14. One of the worst things about dating is that you're putting yourself out there. You're opening yourself up to strangers and in return you're getting plenty of uncertainty. Nobody likes uncertainty. No one likes to check their phone every hour to determine if you've texted them or not. Nobody likes to wonder if you like them or not. Surprisingly, most people don't mind if you do not like them, they just want to know. So my suggestion would be to quit playing games, both with another person and with yourself. If you do not, have the respect to let them know you do not. (A gentle means to do this is by telling them you are not ready to date right now. I had a woman tell me and it was the simplest let down I have ever experienced and utilized it later myself also ). I should pause here for a single caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get very excited by the person they've just met and then they proceed to constantly text them, call them, and see them day after day after day. Stop Chasing Shadows When I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He told me,"Women are like shadows, the more you chase them, the more they run away. The more you run away, the longer they pursue you." If you discover someone who you would like to be with really poorly, don't scare them away by being obsessive. If they like you too, there's no need to chase them. Yes, you should consciously attempt to set up a date, but there is no reason to go on dates each and every night of the week. Permit the relationship to have some breathing room. A fantastic way to judge whether a relationship is going well is if you end up missing the other person and vice versa. There is a lot of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there's even scientific proof for it as well. In several studies, anthropologists have found that many primates invest more effort into a relationships if the people in that relationship have been forced apart. What is interesting is that researchers in the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same holds true in humans. By data mining mobile phone records and comparing telephone patterns and length, the researchers at the university found that people may also invest more effort into relationships when there is a risk of that connection weakening. I tried applying this research to relationship in a relatively straightforward way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse in between dates, ironically, makes the connection strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship I found worked pretty well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1

15. Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- variable This arrangement meant that I'd spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for enough time for the connection to grow and helped me make sure I didn't suffocate my dates, which was especially helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, these dating strategies helped me tremendously, but based on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process might need to be different than the one above. The important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come out of dating. In fact, because relationship is such an emotional activity (similar to job hunting), it's imperative to have a system set up that will assist you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you're getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on a real rollercoaster, it would be foolish to simply jump and continue. Making sure you have that lap belt secured and that you have been on a few less extreme rides can help you enjoy the ride a whole lot more. As we frequently discuss about the podcast, when you let go of expectations and just make your target just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Similar to the advice of world-class investors, you want to diversify your portfolio and decrease your risk of catastrophic failure. A way of doing that is by going on dates which aren't only sit-down dinners, so that regardless of how your dating partner behaves, at least you will have a good time doing something fun. And, to minimize the risk, you need to build both an outreach and relationship sequence so that you reduce the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Find a few activities you enjoy doing and then match the dates into these activities. This is also a wonderful way to filter out people that aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long run. Of course, irrespective of how well I did all the above things, I had my share of terrible dates. The woman who used me as a meal program being just one of many. But bear in mind, once you're feeling down and enjoy giving up on love altogether: "You are never as bad as they say you are, you are also not as good as you think you are." Take every date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you constantly work on yourself, improving your conversations, your dates, and your relationship with others, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. Until then, strap in and enjoy the ride. If you enjoyed this post, I would super love if you hit the green hand clap button below to ensure that more people can find it. And, if you've any more questions about dating, listen to our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the show.