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Our brains have evolved over centuries to intuitively pick up on visual clues much faster than written hints. In actuality, they have found that men who are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by activating their conscious brain.
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THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: Tips, tricks, and manipulations to Browse the pains and pitfalls She looked me directly in the eyes and smiled. Still, no response. At that moment I imagined picking up the bill and slapping her across the face with it as hard as I could. It definitely wasn't my best moment, but it was not hers either. Apparently, as I found out later, I had fallen into a trap known as"the meal program." The meal program, if you're not familiar with it, is when women go on dates with men just to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she certainly fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all of the dates I had gone on until there: all 37 dates to be exact. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like this? As I matured in my online dating, however, I understood that this was actually a reaction for what men do to women. There are 3 major levers in our lives that, if we pull on them properly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships are the difference between depression and elation. I learned this firsthand because in the last 5 years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at the same time. I quit the career I had been building for more than 7 years and I left my 10-year connection with my girlfriend that I thought I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and dating newcomer. I was depressed. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene activated and a small voice in my head said,"you're going to give up? No, no you are not. You are going to kick on online dating's ass!" I began to channel my distress into anger, and my anger into determination. I began to approach online dating like one big experiment. I began creating what I called,"The Process." In this blog post I'll take you through the whole process I took to master online dating. By optimizing your profile, A/B analyzing your descriptions, beginning meaningful conversations, and even crafting interesting dates. We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so you can't just get dates, but possibly discover the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I must preface that depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process might have to be different than the under. But, the important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from dating and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I'm going to go meet fascinating people and do interesting things," you
will be more inclined to enjoy the process. And, if you're diligent, you might end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I have been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 years and we have moved in together. So maybe these strategies are not all that mad, but maybe they are, I'll leave it for you to judge. Listen to the Modern Dating Show Podcast for more tips, tricks, and embarrassingly real stories. Notice: You can also listen to the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I pay a whole lot of these approaches as we browse the current struggles and embarrassments of his own dating journey (and answer listener questions). STEP 1 -- Decide what you're looking for The complete most common error I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is that they don't define their target obviously. Deep down inside, the majority of us know whether we're searching for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario that I've discovered is that both men and women who are searching for a meaningful relationship are maximizing their relationship for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with online dating, she asked me to help her with her OKCupid profile. She is an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' really beautiful, a true 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she'd need my help. In less than 5 seconds I saw the problem. Basically, so as to maximize for getting dates, Maddy had chosen to just include her most provocative photos. Now I want to be clear, there's nothing wrong with women having"promiscuous" photos online. The problem, in the case of dating, is the format of a relationship and what you contribute with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to pick up on visual cues much faster than written clues. In actuality, they've found that men that are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles conceal most information aside from the profile photo before a user clicks, leading with provocative photographs sets a bad first impression. So, while it's totally fine to have hot photos up in your instagram, leading with them on your online dating profile is sending signals that may be attracting the wrong type of guy. Additionally, there are lots of classy ways to have interesting pictures that speak to more than just the subconscious mind. Internet Dating pictures can be both intriguing and classy So, although Maddy was trying to locate a relationship, her photographs were sending signals that she is looking for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag guys filling up her inbox. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 4 Every guy who has done online dating will attest to the battle of getting a woman to swipe right on their profile, let alone to make them engage in a conversation.
Guys, this is entirely your fault. I have seen men spend hours talking about the numbers of their favourite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, as well as how financial reports will influence the team's chances. But, when it comes to online dating, men tend to slap a few pictures in their profile and then start swiping like orangutans till their fingers develop calluses. Guys, stop. Before you begin creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you're trying to achieve. Are you trying to date a lot of people? Or are you searching for a meaningful relationship? And"both" isn't an answer. As the saying goes... "If you try to appeal to everyone, you will interest no one." The techniques I will outline below work for either desired outcome, but the choices you make will vastly affect your"conversion" rate. For instance, the first time I mastered everything in this procedure, I started going on a great deal of dates (3--4 per week, every week), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I only realized months after that, while it is great to go on a great deal of dates and get practice dating (remember I had been off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to be sure I was dating the right people. Fortunately I realized this before I was the victim of any more"meal programs ." STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile images and descriptions First impressions matter. According to a study from Princeton, it is projected that in any relationship, whether its work or social, we make our mind up about whether we like the person in less than one second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile image. They don't get to hear you talk. They don't get to shake your hand. They don't get to smell you (it is a thing). All you get is one picture and there's a 99% chance it's the wrong one. If a person is approaching online dating as an experiment, obviously the first thing to check is the profile picture. I first started this process in a very unscientific way... I went to every female friend I knew and asked her what she thought of my photos. One hundred, and I mean 100% of them said that my first picture was not my best.
It was interesting feedback, but I wasn't certain how I could test multiple pictures considering that I could only put one as the default option. The response: testing across apps. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, along with the dreaded Tindr. I retained my profile description the same on every profile, but I set up a different profile image on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles until I could find a large enough sample size and make certain that the platform was not effecting results. Four of my real dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture which I thought was my best was always the one with the least games. Interestingly enough, a picture I didn't read much into, pic B, was really a massive turn off for pretty much 100% of girls. I was shocked when I found this out, because the two women in that photo are really good friends of mine, so I never would have made that connection. Sometimes your photos can be your biggest blind spot. To totally test this idea out, I really enrolled a couple of friends (both men and women) into the experiment and had them change out their profile pictures. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 2 This is a super easy optimization that may look like a pain today, but it will save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20% of work that will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them often. Top Tip: If you want to speed up this process, you can really ask your matches exactly what they think of your pictures. If a conversation with a match was not going well, I decided to get some"user feedback" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photographs she thought was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I was not getting jobs.) Now, part of this error might be my fault, since I took his advice quite literally. I began to speak my thoughts, dress how I wanted to dress, and act how I wished to act. This turned out to be a horrible idea. With no filter or idea behind my actions, I rubbed over a few people the wrong way. Now that I have matured a bit, I have come to understand that there's a difference between being your overall self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are never our complete selves except when we are by ourselves.
Seth Godin has a wonderful podcast on"signals," which you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we actively choose which signals to give to other men and women. A guy wearing a button up top, for example, is not necessarily wealthy, but the button up top is putting out the signal that he is wealthy. Much like someone who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is indicating she doesn't wish to follow society's rules, the guy in the button up shirt is indicating that he's okay with following convention. Signals matter. In college I met a woman at a party who immediately caught my attention. I approached her and we immediately hit off. We spent the entire party dancing and flirting. We made plans to have a lunch date in the college cafeteria later that week. I got to the cafeteria early and chose to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a girl walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace around her neck. At first I didn't even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we started talking. After some awkward conversation, she explained that her friends were sick of her being single so they had dressed her up to be"cuter" for the party to attract a guy. I was that guy. I didn't care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized that we had practically nothing in common. The outfit she had used as a signal at the party did not match her personality in any way. We ended the date cordially and proceeded on. Choosing your signals is good, but picking false signals not so much. You do not want to lie, but you also don't want to be your total self. You need to tell them about how you collect classic records, you don't need to let them know about the way you cry every time a U2 tune comes on. You need to tell them about how you volunteer at the animal shelter, you do not want to tell them about how you ran over your cat. Crafting a fantastic description is perhaps the most difficult and personal piece of improving your online dating profile. There's no ideal answer, but there are definitely some wrong answers. The first step to having a good dating profile description is using a very clear structure. I break down a dating profile description into 3 parts: Headline: A short sentence somebody can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A bit longer description that provides some colour to your interests and character. Call to Action: A desired action you want them to take. Internet dating is inherently awkward, so help the other person by letting them know something you two can talk about. Ladies this is especially true for you. If you do not want men messaging you"hello" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to start the conversation with. Unfortunately, people tend to surf internet dating programs the way they surf social networking sites: fast and without much thought. It could be, in actuality, that mobile devices have trained us to browse everything in a
similar way. Because of this, I think the headline is possibly the most crucial piece of your description and you should try different variations until you find one that is right for you. After a lot of testing I discovered that this one worked best for me: The objective of the headline is to give a fast snapshot of what's unique about you. Having a headline that is authentic, interesting, and short acts like a stop sign for the individual who's scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their phone. It is likely that they'll laugh at the question. As any solid content marketer knows, terrific content is about respecting the medium that you're creating the content for. By way of example, if I went up to a girl at a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, energetic," she'll definitely get up and leave. The opposite is true for online dating, however. You want your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or a single sentence, and make certain it is quintessentially you. The Intro Paragraph After that initial curiosity is peaked, you should start paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This is not the time to compose a novel about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this individual, your headline and picture being the first two. The intro paragraph gives a small amount of color and perhaps some talking points that you two can talk about in chat (again, ladies, this is incredibly important to include if you want to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph that worked best for me was: "I love being outdoors as much as you can! Some of my favorite items are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I'm a creative at heart but I really like learning about new and businesses ideas. I'm into photography, layout, and Tim Ferriss. My ideal Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a good book at Promenade cafe" This paragraph outlines a few basic activities and hobbies I like as well as some non-standard things like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The main thing to remember about this section is to prevent the generic activities that could apply to pretty much anybody. I can't tell you how many profiles I've seen that list things like: "I like hanging out with friends, watching movies, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I'm positive that there are people on earth who don't like watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95 percent or more of the people in your area enjoy both those things too. As opposed to attempting to fit in, try to stand out.
Try to balance your description between things most people like, so you can discover common ground, but also things which are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Most people like being outside and photography. -- Some people like surfing, climbing, and volleyball. -- But very few people like learning about businesses or Tim Ferriss. The Call To Action This is optional, even though it certainly helps. In advertising, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they've viewed your content. In dating, you essentially need the individual to message you. This sounds like a no brainer, but I have found that a whole lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they finally become discouraged from making first contact. I've heard countless stories of girls who have paired with a man who they really like, but the man never messages them. When I ask them why they do not message first, they say that they don't know what to say or they don't want to seem desperate. The call to action helps alleviate this problem by making it clear that you want them to message you. But, obviously you don't want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have a single section that says: Again, as with this information, when in doubt just check it out. Try having a call to action and see whether your conversations improve. When they don't, just delete it. The beauty of dating apps is that instead of having 1--5 chances to make a connection, as you would if you went to a pub for instance, you have thousands of chances and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making first contact and chatting The place where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" relationship is when it comes to the conversation. Having to chat online as your first conversation is a massive limitation when you are trying to begin a new relationship. For starters, it is a really unnatural way of communicating, because it's been proven that we receive 55 percent of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communication. It makes sense then that if you take countless people and set them in an unnatural communication environment you get some fairly unnatural conversations. While it might be fun to play around with bizarre conversation openers, if you are serious about finding a fantastic relationship through online dating, then it's a good idea to research your results a little bit. This gave me the
opportunity to begin testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I just wouldn't have been able to determine if I did not have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I'll spare you some of the terrible ideas I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's examine how well you can judge a fantastic opener from a poor one. QUIZ Which of the following conversation starters performs the best? A) "Hey! How's it going?" (or some other variation of this sort of question). D) "Hey! How did you like X book?" (based on a book they listed in their profile) I'll allow you to think about it for a second. (I'll add some distance before the answer below. Scroll as soon as you're ready.) Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the response And the answer is... If you guessed D, you picked the best answer! (If you guessed C, you picked the worst answer.) In order of best to worst, the answers are D, B, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to any conversation starter. While I found that the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X novel," that clearly depends if they have put a book in their profile. You can alter this to ask about some other part of the profile, like a picture or a place in their own pictures. The reason why I guess that the book one works best though is because a) it shows you actually read their profile and b) it indicates that you read. If I may use the book opener to start a conversation I typically also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x book? I'm
currently reading'Losing my Virginity' by Richard Branson and highly recommend it!" (This is how I opened the dialogue with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I started with this opener felt much more natural and went beyond a few messages. The next best option,"Hey! How was your weekend?" Works almost as well, but it's obviously limited to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be odd if you used this on a Friday). Have any fun plans for the weekend?" This worked pretty well, but not nearly too. I suspect it's because it seems too much like I'm about to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think about something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you've made contact and the other person has responded, it is time to have a conversation. Every dialog changes, but there are a few guidelines that I will put in here as suggestions. First, some online dating suggestions for guys: DON'T try to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can't tell you the number of messages my female friends have shown me that sound objectively psychotic. The sad thing is that I know that the man is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a regular conversation like you want a friend. DO attempt to talk about things she is interested in but also add your own thoughts. One of the most common complaints I have heard from female friends is they feel like they're being interviewed. Make sure that you ask questions, but that you also share things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her body or appearance. Regardless of how well intentioned you are, it'll be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you are so beautiful! You have a cute smile! You are..." will only lead to a polite"thank you" and won't create meaningful conversation. Now, a few online dating suggestions for girls: DO be nice and help direct the conversation. Even when I've tried to be friendly and nice, I have still received very curt or standoff-ish answers. No matter how much men pretend they don't care about the dialogue, they do. And they usually don't have any clue what they are doing, so offer them some help and direct the dialogue in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking any of your own. If you are tired of conversations feeling such as interviews, then make sure that you ask the man about things he's interested in also. DON'T make judgments too soon. In my experience women have a tendency to place a good deal more thought into their text messages than guys do. If a guy says something that looks weird or odd, give him the benefit of the doubt and do not read too much into it, chances are he didn't either. Now a suggestion for both parties: Try to move the dialogue from online to in real life relatively fast. Online dating is a great tool to meet someone, but it is just that. It's a tool, it is not actual dating. My general recommendation for moving from online to in real life is one long conversation or two short conversations. It should never take more than a week to set up a date. So, if you match with each other on a
Monday, you should definitely have begun talking about having a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the apps, but also get off them quickly. In real life is a lot more fun too in case you know how to set up good dates... Step 4 -- Making a date sequence that will make you smile more and sweat less Once I had mastered the online portion of dating, I soon realized that securing the date is only half the battle. The second half of the battle, how well the date goes, is largely determined before you have even set out from your house. Where you have your date determines about 50--70 percent of the outcome of the date. But a question... Where's the worst place to have a date? As it turns out, it is actually at the most commonly selected dating place: A sit-down restaurant. At first I was taking all of my dates to restaurants for dinner. Boring, I know. But bear in mind, I was completely new to dating so I was only following what I had seen in movies. Most of them did not go well, but I was not sure why. After a dozen or so awkward (and expensive) dates, I decided that I need to experiment with several other locations. What occurred next was absolutely mind blowing. It was not that I was doing anything differently or that I had been choosing better girls to go on dates with, it was merely a matter of context. Here's why I believe dinner dates do not work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger out a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a table. You begin talking, then the waiter interrupts asking about beverages. You choose beverages. You continue to talking. The waiter interrupts again for your food order. You are not ready to order since you've been talking. The waiter gives you"another moment." You look at the menu making remarks about the choices. The waiter comes back ten minutes later. You continue talking. You talk and talk. You then run out of things to discuss. What should you do next? There are no exits, nothing around to comment on, nothing to see or do. You need to keep talking. A dinner date provides no choices. It's a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost immediately. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that many of us are getting worse at getting in-person conversations. Spending so much time online has improved our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in- house communication abilities.
Therefore, if we are getting worse at having in-person conversations, why would you bet your entire love life on the fact you will be able to have an amazing in-person conversation with a complete stranger? 3 Rules for Creating Great Dates I never thought that dating could be a life-or-death activity, but one day changed all that. I had been holding on to a small ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet over the floor like a giant cat toy. My fingers began to sweat and I knew that I couldn't hold on to the ledge much longer. "O well," I thought,"this will be a great bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I expected the sharp jolt of the rope in my climbing harness. However, there was no jolt. I started falling for what felt like eternity. As it turns out, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope as I had slipped off the ledge. She panicked and didn't grab the rope until I had fallen 15 ft to what I was certain was my upcoming death. Eventually the rope finally stopped and I felt a huge jolt, both emotionally and physically. My entire dating career made a 180-degree turn when I began carrying my dates on fun activities instead of dinners. Some of these activities worked better than others. But I found out that the most essential elements to a great date place could be distilled into three classes: Walkability -- Do we have to sit together or can we walk around? When you're walking, your scenery is changing so you can pick up new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked man on rollerblades!" (It is San Francisco after all). Action -- Can we both do the activity reasonably well? I've seen guys get this one pretty wrong. It is fun to teach someone something that you are passionate about, but make sure it's not too hard. Taking a woman rock climbing? Make sure she is not scared of heights first. Scalability -- Would the date grow or shrink in scale as needed? Having a terrific time? Great! No chemistry? No issue, how can we end the date earlier? Using these three criteria, I crafted a 3 date sequence which nearly doubled the amount of successful dates I went on. I know what you're thinking,"This guy took women out to the same areas like it was some sort of regimented assembly line?"
No. This was my go-to order, but, depending on interests, I'd substitute different activities to keep the dates interesting. This was merely a template that simplified my decisions and decreased the cognitive load I was putting in my mind. So here's my perfect dating sequence: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks each Friday by the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the difficulties of inviting someone out to dinner is that everybody has different food preferences. Then (if you're a man ) you've got to account for cost of food. Off the grid accomplishes this because there are over 20 distinct types of (affordable) cuisine. It also lets you walk around, people watch, and get drinks. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could vary based on interests but I had a few go-tos, specifically: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the beach. Why I like it: These actions had in common were the 3 variables: walkability, action, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, grab cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favorite pub, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we could alternate between talking and activity. If we did a picnic on the beach, we can go for romantic walks or huddle around a fire pit on Ocean Beach. Date #3 -- Cal Academy Adult Night: An adult-only night in the Cal Academy of Sciences where you can grab drinks and look at exhibits. Why I like it: This date was particularly important because if a girl had made it #3, it meant I actually liked her. Additionally, it meant we might take the connection to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, plus it was a semi-formal occasion so we can both dress well for that special night. This was also my secret test because if a girl didn't like science and facts it likely would not work out between us anyway. As an added bonus, it was also a 20-min walk from my place, so that helped with the"scalability" of the night. Listen to each of the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are merely three examples of how to take online dating offline and create a reasonably successful dating sequence. Here are a few ideas on what to look for on every date as you attempt to make your own dating arrangement: Date #1: Search for a casual environment that isn't intimidating. Dark bars or loud places don't make for good conversation. Make certain that you can reliably go to this area, so avoid places with long waits or where you need to make reservations. Ensure you are able to schedule the date for a weeknight (try to not book a person's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You've broken the ice and you've both agreed to another date, so have fun with this one! Choose an
activity you will both like that isn't too difficult. Avoid intimidating actions like karaoke, group sports, or water skiing. Ideally choose an activity which has a cadence in which you alternate between doing something and speaking. Going on a 10 mile run is fantastic for exercise, but it does not allow for conversation. Watching a movie at a movie theater has similar limitations. Date #3: You both confirmed you enjoy each other, it's time to take it to the next level. Try to make this date a little more special than the first two. It needs to be romantic, it should test how compatible you really are, and it ought to confirm whether or not you want to continue seeing each other long term. After the excitement of dates one and two, there may be a lull in date 3, so make sure whatever you select provides new intimacy to the connection. For example, if I did not go to the Cal Academy I'd go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Getting your Timing Right Perhaps among the most important pieces of the internet dating mystery that I see men screw up again and again is time. Assuming the man is the one driving the dating sequence (which isn't necessarily the case) there are a few questions you will need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? Here I will share my answers to these questions that I've found most useful. But again, depending upon your context, your culture, and your comfort your answers may vary. The important thing is to actually think about timing, as opposed to leaving it up to"feeling" Going from Online to Offline It is very easy to let a great online conversation die out. You message her, she messages you, back and forth, forth and back. In order to make sure that I don't waste all my time with online conversations I found that it was best to ask a girl to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or about 20 minutes of continuous conversation. Again, try not to linger at the safe-space of this digital world too long. It may feel like it's necessary, but it's very easy to waste a lot of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 When I was 25, working as"the new guy" in a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales team. Every day I overheard their sales calls where they would use their jedi mind tricks to close deals with multi-million dollar accounts. One thing that I discovered is that each and every time they were finishing a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week after that? O that's no good too. Okay how about the week then?" No matter what the prospect said, the salesperson would insist on at least"penciling" the next meeting to the calendar with the choice of cancelling if needed.
Once I took this technique and applied it to dating, it led to some pretty incredible results. This rule is a bit contrarian, but it's worked really well: Always request the second date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you're putting yourself out there. You are opening yourself up to strangers and in return you are getting plenty of uncertainty. No one likes uncertainty. No one likes to look at their phone every hour to see if you've texted them or not. Nobody likes to wonder whether you like them or not. Surprisingly, most individuals do not mind if you do not like them, they only want to know. So my suggestion would be to quit playing games, both with the other person and on your own. If you like them, tell them you like them. If you do not, have the respect to let them know you do not. (A gentle means to do this is by telling them you are not prepared to date right now. I had a girl tell me and it was the simplest let down I've ever experienced and used it later myself also ). I must pause here for a single caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not constantly. Nobody likes to be smothered or chased constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get very excited by the person they've just met and then they proceed to text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day. Stop Chasing Shadows once I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He told me,"Women are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the more they run away. The more you run away, the longer they pursue you." If you discover someone who you want to be with really poorly, don't frighten them away by being fanatical. If they like you as well, there's no need to chase them. Yes, you should actively try to set up a date, but there's no reason to go on dates each and every night of the week. Allow the relationship to get some breathing room. A fantastic way to judge if a relationship is going well is if you find yourself missing the other person and vice versa. There is a lot of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there's even scientific proof for it also. In several studies, anthropologists have discovered that many primates invest more effort into a relationships if the people in that connection have been forced apart. What's interesting is that researchers in the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same is true in humans. By data mining mobile phone records and comparing call patterns and duration, the researchers at the university found that people may also invest more effort into relationships if there is a probability of that connection weakening. I tried applying this research to relationship in a relatively straightforward way and, to my surprise, it worked very
well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse in between dates, paradoxically, makes the connection strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship I found worked pretty well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- factor This sequence meant that I would spread out the first 3 dates across a 1 month period. This allowed for enough time for the relationship to grow and helped me make sure I didn't suffocate my dates, which was especially helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the start of this post, these relationship strategies helped me tremendously, but based upon your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process may have to be different than the one above. In fact, because relationship is such an emotional activity (similar to job hunting), it's vital to have a system in place to assist you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you're getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on an actual rollercoaster, it would be foolish to just hop on and continue. Making certain you have that lap belt secured and that you've been on a few less intense rides can help you enjoy the ride a whole lot more. As we frequently discuss on the podcast, even when you let go of expectations and only make your target just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Like the help of world-class investors, you want to diversify your portfolio and decrease your chance of catastrophic failure. A way of doing this is by going on dates which aren't only sit-down dinners, so that regardless of how your relationship partner behaves, at least you will have a good time doing something fun. And, to minimize the risk, you need to build both an outreach and relationship sequence so that you reduce the cognitive https://a.8b.com/ load of having to think of new dates constantly. Find a few activities you like doing and then fit the dates into those activities. This is also a great way to filter out people who aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long run. Of course, regardless of how well I did all of the above items, I had my share of terrible dates. The woman who used me as a meal program being just one of several. Dating is a rollercoaster that will scare you, challenge you, and sometimes make you wish you had never gotten on. But bear in mind, when you're feeling down and enjoy giving up on love altogether: "You are never as bad as they say you are, you are also not as good as you think you are." Take each date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you work on your own, improving your discussions, your dates, and your relationship with others, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. If you enjoyed this post, I'd super appreciate if you hit the green hand clap button below so that more people can
discover it. And, if you've any more questions about relationship, listen to our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the display.
