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1. She looked me straight in the eyes and smiled. Again, I looked at her and then looked at the invoice. Still, no response. It definitely wasn't my best moment, but it was not hers either. Apparently, as I found out later, I had fallen into a trap called"the meal plan." The meal program, if you're unfamiliar with it, is when girls go on dates with guys merely to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she certainly fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all of the dates I had gone on until there: all 37 dates to be exact. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like that? As I matured in my online relationship, however, I understood that this was really a reaction for what men do to women. Online dating sucks, but... There are 3 major levers in our lives that, if we pull on them correctly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships are the difference between depression and elation. I discovered this firsthand because in the last 5 years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at once. I stopped the career I had been building for more than 7 years and I left my 10-year relationship with my girlfriend who I believed I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and relationship novice. I was depressed. After 9 months of misery and frustration I was about to give up on online dating all together. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene triggered and a little voice in my head said,"you're going to give up? No, no you're not. You are going to kick on online dating's ass!" I began to channel my distress into anger, and my anger into determination. I started to approach online dating just like one big experiment. I began creating what I predicted,"The Process." In this blog post I'll take you through the entire process I chose to learn online dating. From optimizing your profile, A/B testing your descriptions, starting meaningful conversations, as well as crafting interesting dates. We'll discuss how to streamline the online dating process so you can't only get dates, but possibly discover the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I should preface that based on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process may have to be different than the under. But, the important takeaway here is to pull back the feelings that come from relationship and treat it like an experiment.

2. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I will go meet interesting people and do interesting things," you'll be more inclined to enjoy the process. And, if you're diligent, you might end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I have been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 years and we have moved in together. So maybe these strategies aren't all that crazy, but maybe they are, I'll leave it for you to judge. Note: You can also listen to the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a lot of these strategies as we browse the current struggles and embarrassments of his own relationship journey (and answer listener questions). STEP 1 -- Decide what you're looking for The absolute most frequent error I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is they don't define their target obviously. Deep down inside, the majority of us know whether we are searching for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario I've discovered is that both men and women who are looking for a meaningful relationship are optimizing their relationship for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with online dating, she asked me to help her with her OKCupid profile. She is an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' quite beautiful, a true 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she'd need my help. The photos I saw in her profile looked like they belonged more on thechive.com rather than on any dating site. Basically, so as to optimize for getting dates, Maddy had chosen to only include her most provocative photos. Now I would like to be clear, there is nothing wrong with women having"promiscuous" pictures online. The problem, in the event of dating, is the arrangement of a dating profile and what you lead with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to pick up on visual clues much faster than written clues. In fact, they have found that men who are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles conceal most information aside from the profile photo until a user clicks, resulting in provocative photos sets a poor first impression. So, while it's totally fine to have hot photos up on your instagram, leading with them on your online dating profile is sending signals that may be attracting the wrong sort of guy. There are also plenty of classy ways to possess interesting pictures that speak to more than just the unconscious brain. Internet Dating pictures can be both classy and intriguing So, although Maddy was attempting to locate a relationship, her photographs were only sending signals that she is looking for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag men filling up her inbox. For men, we tend to have the opposite issue. Every man who has done online dating will attest to the battle of getting a girl to swipe directly in their profile, let alone to make them engage in a conversation.

3. Guys, this is completely your fault. I have seen guys spend hours talking about the numbers of their favorite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, and even how financial reports will effect the team's chances. However, when it comes to online dating, guys have a tendency to slap a few pictures in their profile and then begin swiping like orangutans until their palms develop calluses. Guys, stop. Before you begin creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you are trying to achieve. Are you trying to date a lot of people? Or are you trying to find a meaningful relationship? And"both" isn't an answer. As the saying goes... "If you try to appeal to everybody, you will appeal to no one." The techniques I'll outline below work for either desired outcome, but the choices you make will significantly affect your"conversion" rate. For example, the first time I mastered everything in this procedure, I started going on a lot of dates (3--4 per week, weekly ), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I only realized months after that, while it is good to go on a lot of dates and get practice relationship (recall I had been off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to make sure I had been dating the right people. Fortunately I realized this before I was the victim of some more"meal plans" STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile pictures and descriptions According to a study from Princeton, it's projected that in any relationship, whether its social or work, we make up our mind about whether we like the person in less than one second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is the first impression you make is Click for info based solely on your profile picture. They do not get to hear you speak. They don't get to shake your hand. They do not get to smell you (it's a thing). All you get is 1 picture and there's a 99% chance it's the wrong one. If a person is coming online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to test is the profile picture. I first started this process in a very unscientific way... One hundred, and I mean 100% of these said that my first image was not my best. It was interesting feedback, but I was not certain how I could test numerous pictures considering that I could only put one as the default option. The response: testing across programs.

4. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, and the dreaded Tindr. I kept my profile description the same on every profile, but I put up another profile image on each. I rotated the images across profiles before I could get a large enough sample size and be certain that the platform was not effecting results. Four of my actual dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture which I thought was my best was always the one with the least games. Interestingly enough, a film I didn't read into, pic B, was really a huge turn off for pretty much 100 percent of women. When I asked them why, without skipping a beat they answered,"it makes you look like a player." I was shocked when I found out this, because the two women in that photo are actually good friends of mine, so I never would have made that connection. Sometimes your photographs can be your biggest blind spot. To completely test out this idea, I actually enrolled a few friends (both men and women) into the experiment and had them change their profile pictures. This is a super easy optimization that can look like a pain now, but it is going to save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20 percent of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them frequently. Top Tip: If you want to speed up this process, you can really ask your games exactly what they think of your pictures. If a conversation with a match wasn't going well, I decided to get some"user comments" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photographs she believed was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I wasn't getting jobs.) Descriptions are negotiable In highschool I had a history teacher, Mr. Hernandez, who gave me the worst piece of advice I've ever received:"just be yourself." Now, a part of the error may be my fault, because I took his advice very literally. I started to speak my mind, dress how I wanted to dress, and act how I wanted to act. This turned out to be a very bad idea. With no filter or thought behind my actions, I rubbed over a few people the wrong way. Now that I've matured a bit, I have come to understand that there's a difference between being your total self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are never our complete selves except when we're by ourselves. Seth Godin has a wonderful podcast on"signals," which you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we

5. knowingly choose which signals to give to other people. A man wearing a button up top, as an example, isn't always wealthy, but the button up top is putting out the signal that he's wealthy. Much like someone who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is indicating she does not wish to follow society's rules, the guy in the button up shirt is indicating that he's okay with subsequent convention. Signals matter. In college I met a woman at a party who immediately caught my eye. She was wearing a summer dress, flower earrings, and looked really cute. I approached her and we immediately hit off. We spent the entire party flirting and dancing. We made plans to have a lunch date at the college cafeteria after that week. I got to the cafeteria early and decided to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a girl walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace round her neck. Initially I didn't even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we began talking. After some awkward conversation, she explained that her friends were sick of her being single so they had dressed her up to be"cuter" for the party to attract a man. I was that guy. I did not care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized that we had practically nothing in common. The outfit she'd used as a signal at the party did not match her personality in any way. We finished the date cordially and proceeded on. Signals matter. Choosing your signals is good, but picking false signals not so much. The same goes for your online dating profile description. You do not want to lie, but you also don't want to be your complete self. You want to tell them about how you collect classic records, you don't want to tell them about how you cry every time a U2 tune comes on. You need to tell them about the way you volunteer at the animal shelter, you do not want to tell them about how you ran over your cat. First impressions matter. Crafting a fantastic description is perhaps the most difficult and personal piece of enhancing your online dating profile. There's absolutely no right answer, but there are some wrong answers. The first step to having a great dating profile description is having a clear structure. I break down a dating profile description into 3 parts: Headline: A brief sentence someone can read quickly.

6. Intro Paragraph: A little longer description that gives some colour to your interests and personality. Call to Action: A desired action you want them to take. Online dating is inherently awkward, so help another person by letting them know something you two can talk about. Ladies this is particularly true for you. If you don't want men messaging you"hey" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to start the conversation with. The Headline Unfortunately, people tend to surf internet dating apps the way they surf social media sites: fast and without much thought. It might be, in fact, that mobile devices have trained us to surf everything in a similar way. Because of this, I think the headline is perhaps the most crucial bit of your description and you should try different variations until you find one that works for you. After a lot of testing I found that this one worked best for me: "Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active." The goal of the headline is to provide a fast snapshot of what's unique about you. Having a headline that is authentic, interesting, and brief functions like a stop sign for the individual who's scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their cell phone. If you ask any top-performing marketer,"how do I create content which will be successful?" It is likely that they'll laugh at the question. As any good content marketer knows, great content is about respecting the medium that you're producing the content for. By way of instance, if I went up to a girl in a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active," she'll definitely get up and leave. The reverse is true for online dating, however. You want your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or one sentence, and be certain that it is quintessentially you. The Intro Paragraph After that initial curiosity is peaked, you should start paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This isn't the time to compose a novel about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this individual, your headline and picture being the first two. The intro paragraph gives a small amount of color and perhaps some talking points that you two can talk about in conversation (again, ladies, this is incredibly important to include if you want to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph that worked best for me was: "I love being outdoors as much as possible! Some of my favourite things are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I'm a creative at heart but I love learning about new and businesses ideas. I'm into photography, design, and Tim Ferriss. My ideal Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a good book at

7. Promenade cafe." This paragraph outlines a couple of basic hobbies and activities I like and some non-standard items like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The main thing to remember about this section is to avoid the generic activities that could apply to pretty much anyone. "I enjoy hanging out with friends, watching movies, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I am positive that there are people on earth who don't enjoy watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95% or more of the folks in your area enjoy both those things too. Rather than attempting to fit in, try to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so it's possible to find common ground, but also things that are uniquely you. For example in my description above: -- Most people like being outside and photography. -- Some people like surfing, climbing, and volleyball. -- But very few people like learning about businesses or Tim Ferriss. This is optional, even though it certainly helps. In advertising, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they have viewed your content. In relationship, you essentially want the individual to message you. This sounds like a no brainer, but I've found that a whole lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they eventually become discouraged from making initial contact. I've heard countless stories of women who have paired with a man who they really enjoy, but the man never messages them. When I ask them why they do not message first, it is said that they don't know what to say or they don't want to seem desperate. The call to action helps alleviate this problem by making it clear that you want them to message you. Butobviously you do not want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have an individual section that states: "You should message me if..." ← This is OkCupid's sub-heading but you can just manually add it on other internet dating apps too. Again, as with all this advice, when in doubt just check it out. Try using a call to action and see whether your conversations improve. If they don't, simply delete it. The attractiveness of dating programs is that rather than having 1--5 chances to make a connection, as you would if you went to a bar for example, you have thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with.

8. STEP 3 -- Making initial talking and contact The place where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" dating is when it comes to the conversation. Having to chat online as your first conversation is a massive limitation when you're trying to begin a new relationship. For one thing, it is a really unnatural method of communicating, since it's been proven that we receive 55% of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communication. It is logical then that if you take countless people and set them in a supernatural communication environment you get some pretty unnatural conversations. While it may be fun to play around with weird conversation openers, if you are serious about finding a good relationship through online relationship, then it's a good idea to research your results a little bit. As I got better at optimizing my profile, I started matching with more and more people. This gave me the chance to start testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I just would not have been able to see if I did not have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I will spare you some of the terrible ideas I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's test how well you can judge a fantastic opener from a bad one. For bonus points, try to purchase them from most effective to least effective. How's it going?" (or any other variation of the sort of question). How did you like X book?" (based on a book they listed in their profile) I will let you consider it for a second. (I'll add some space before the reply below. Scroll once you're ready.) Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the response

9. Scroll for the answer And the answer is... If you guessed D, then you chose the best answer! (If you guessed C, you chose the worst response.) In order of best to worst, the replies are B, D, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to some conversation starter. While I found the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X novel," that obviously depends if they've put a book in their profile. You can modify this to ask about some other part of the profile, like a picture or a place in their pictures. The reason why I suspect the book one works best though is because a) it shows you really read their profile and b) it shows that you read. If I may use the book opener to start a conversation I usually also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x publication? I'm currently reading'Losing my Virginity' by Richard Branson and highly recommend it!" (This is the way I opened the conversation with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I began with this opener felt a lot more natural and went beyond a few messages. The second best option,"Hey! Works nearly as well, but it is obviously confined to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be strange if you used this on a Friday). An alternate version I tried on Thursdays or Fridays was,"Hey! This worked pretty well, but not nearly as well. I suspect it is because it seems too much like I am about to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think of something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you've made contact and another person has responded, it's time to have a dialogue. Every dialog changes, but there are a few guidelines that I'll put in here as suggestions. First, some online dating suggestions for men: DON'T attempt to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can not tell you how many messages my female friends have shown me that noise objectively psychotic. The sad thing is that I know that the man is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation just like you want a friend. DO attempt to talk about things she's interested in but also add your own thoughts. One of the most common complaints I have heard from female friends is they feel like they're being interviewed. Make certain that you ask questions, but that you also discuss things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her body or appearance. Irrespective of how well intentioned you are, it'll be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you're so beautiful! You have a cute smile! You're..." will only lead to a polite"thank you" and won't create meaningful conversation. Now, a few online dating suggestions for girls: DO be nice and help direct the conversation. Even when I have tried to be nice and friendly, I have still received

10. very curt or standoff-ish answers. No matter how much guys pretend that they don't care about the dialogue, they do. And they normally don't have any clue what they're doing, so offer them some help and direct the dialogue in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking any of your own. If you are tired of discussions feeling such as interviews, then make sure to ask the man about things he's interested in as well. DON'T make judgments too soon. In my experience women tend to place a lot more thought in their text messages than guys do. If a guy says something that looks weird or strange, give him the benefit of the doubt and don't read too much into it, chances are he didn't either. Now a proposal for the two parties: Attempt to move the conversation from online to in real life relatively fast. Online dating is a excellent tool to meet someone, but it is just that. It's a tool, it is not actual dating. My overall recommendation for moving from online to in real life is either one long conversation or two brief conversations. It should never take more than a week to set up a date. Thus, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have started talking about having a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the programs, but also get off them quickly. In real life is a lot more fun too in case you know how to set up good dates... Step 4 -- Creating a date sequence that will cause you to smile more and sweat less Once I had mastered the online part of relationship, I soon realized that securing the date is only half the battle. The second half of the battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you've even set out from your residence. As they say in real estate: location, location, location. In which you have your date determines about 50--70 percent of the outcome of the date. But a question... Where's the worst place to have a date? As it turns out, it's actually at the most frequently selected dating location: A sit-down restaurant. At first I was taking all my dates to restaurants for dinner. But bear in mind, I was completely new to relationship so I was just following what I'd seen in movies. Most of them did not go well, but I wasn't certain why. After a dozen or so awkward (and pricey ) dates, I decided that I need to experiment with several other locations. What happened next was totally mind blowing. It was not I was doing anything differently or that I was picking better women to go on dates with, it was merely a matter of context. Here's why I believe dinner dates don't work, it goes something like this:

11. You meet a complete stranger out a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a table. You begin talking, then the waiter interrupts asking about drinks. You choose beverages. You continue to talking. The waiter interrupts again to your food order. You're not ready to order because you have been talking. The waiter gives you"another minute." You examine the menu making comments about the choices. The waiter comes back ten minutes later. You order food. You then run out of things to discuss. What should you do next? There are no exits, nothing around to comment on, nothing to see or do. You have to keep talking. Talk... Talk... Talk! A dinner date provides no choices. It is a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost instantly. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that most of us are getting worse at getting in-person conversations. Spending so much time online has enhanced our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in- house communication abilities. Therefore, if we're getting worse at getting in-person conversations, why would you bet your whole love life on the fact you will be able to have an remarkable in-person conversation with a complete stranger? 3 Rules for Creating Great Dates I never thought that dating could be a life-or-death action, but one day changed all that. I had been holding on to a small ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet over the floor like a giant cat toy. My fingers started to sweat and I knew that I couldn't hold on to the ledge much longer. "O well," I thought,"this is going to be a good bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I expected the sharp shock of the rope on my climbing harness. However, there was no jolt. I began falling for what felt like eternity. As it happens, my climbing partner had let go of the rope as I had slipped off the ledge. She panicked and didn't grab the rope until I had fallen 15 feet to what I was certain was my forthcoming death. Eventually the rope finally stopped and I felt a massive jolt, both emotionally and physically. My entire dating profession made a 180-degree turn once I began carrying my dates on fun activities rather than dinners. I would take them to play tennis, rock climb, festivals, picnics at the beach, music shows, and everything in between. A number of these activities worked better than others. However, I found out that the most crucial elements to a great date place could be distilled into three classes: Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you are walking, your scenery is changing so that you can grab new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked guy on rollerblades!" (It is San Francisco after all). Action -- Can we both do the action reasonably well? I've seen guys get this one fairly wrong. It is fun to teach someone something that you are passionate about, but make sure it is not too hard. Taking a girl rock climbing? Make sure she isn't afraid of heights first. Scalability -- Can the date increase or shrink in scale as needed? Having a terrific time? Great! Let's go get dessert! No chemistry? No problem, how can we end the date sooner?

12. With these three criteria, I crafted a 3 date sequence that nearly doubled the amount of successful dates I went on. I know what you're thinking,"This man took women out to the very same areas like it was some sort of regimented assembly line?" This was my go-to sequence, but, based on interests, I'd substitute unique activities to keep the dates interesting. This was simply a template which simplified my choices and decreased the cognitive load I was putting in my brain. So here's my ideal dating sequence: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks every Friday from the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the difficulties of inviting someone out to dinner is that everyone has different food tastes. Then (if you are a guy) you've got to account for cost of meals. Off the grid accomplishes this since there are over 20 distinct types of (affordable) cuisine. It also lets you walk around, people watch, and get drinks. You can extend the date by getting dessert or listening to the live bands. Feel like going all out? Queue the awkward white-boy dance moves. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a few go-tos, namely: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the beach. Why I like it: What these actions had in common were the 3 factors: walkability, activity, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, catch cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favourite bar, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we can alternate between activity and talking. If we did a picnic on the shore, we could go for romantic walks or huddle around a fire pit on Ocean Beach. Why I like it: This date was especially important because if a woman had made it #3, it meant I really liked her. It also meant we might take the relationship to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, also it was a semi-formal occasion so we could both dress well for that particular night. This was also my secret test because if a woman didn't like science and facts it likely wouldn't work out between us anyway. Listen to each of the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are just three examples of how to take online dating offline and make a reasonably successful dating arrangement. Here are a few tips on what to search for on every date as you attempt to make your own dating sequence: Date #1: Look for a casual environment that is not intimidating. Dark bars or loud places do not make for great conversation. Make sure that you can reliably visit this place, so avoid places with long waits or where you need to make reservations. Ensure you can schedule the date for a weeknight (try not to book a person's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You've broken the ice and you have both agreed to a second date, so have fun with this one! Choose an activity you will both like that isn't too tricky. Avoid intimidating activities like karaoke, group sports, or water skiing. Ideally choose an activity which has a cadence in which you alternate between doing something and speaking. Going on a 10 mile run is fantastic for exercise, but it doesn't allow for conversation. Seeing a movie at a movie theater has similar limitations. Date #3: You confirmed you enjoy each other, it's time to bring it to the next level. Try to make this date a bit more special than the first two. It should be romantic, it should test how compatible you really are, and it should

13. confirm whether you want to continue seeing each other long term. After the excitement of dates one and two, there may be a lull in date 3, so make sure whatever you select gives new intimacy to the relationship. For example, if I did not visit the Cal Academy I would go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Obtaining your Timing Right maybe among the most crucial pieces of the internet dating puzzle that I see men screw up again and again is time. Assuming the man is the one forcing the dating sequence (which isn't always the case) there are a few questions you will need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? When should you go for the kiss? When should you sleep together? Here I will share my answers to these questions that I've found most useful. But again, depending upon your context, your culture, and your own comfort your answers may vary. The important thing is to actually think about timing, as opposed to leaving it up to"feeling." Going from Online to Offline It is very easy to let a great online conversation die out. You message her, she messages you, back and forth, forth and back. In order to make certain I do not waste all my time with online conversations I found that it was best to ask a girl to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or roughly 20 minutes of continuous conversation. Again, try not to linger at the safe-space of the virtual world too long. It may feel like it's necessary, but it is quite easy to waste plenty of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 once I was 25, functioning as"the new man" in a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales staff. Every day I overheard their sales calls where they would use their jedi mind tricks to close deals with multi-million dollar balances. One thing I noticed is that every time they were ending a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week after that? O that's no great also. Okay how about the week after that?" Regardless of what the prospect said, the salesperson would insist on at least"penciling" the next meeting into the calendar with the choice of cancelling if desired. When I took this technique and applied it to relationship, it led to some pretty incredible results. This rule is somewhat contrarian, but it has worked really well: Always ask for the next date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you're putting yourself out there. You are opening yourself up to strangers and in return you are getting plenty of uncertainty.

14. Nobody likes uncertainty. No one likes to look at their phone every hour to determine if you've texted them or not. Nobody likes to wonder if you like them or not. Surprisingly, most people do not mind if you do not like them, they only want to know. So my suggestion is to stop playing games, both with another person and on your own. If you like them, tell them you like them. If you do not, have the respect to let them know you don't. (A gentle means to do this is by telling them you are not ready to date at this time. I had a girl tell me this and it was the easiest let down I have ever experienced and used it later myself also ). I must pause here for a single caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not always. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get really excited by the person they've just met and they then proceed to constantly text them, call them, and see them day after day after day. He explained,"Girls are like shadows, the more you chase them, the more they run away. The more you run away, the longer they chase you." If you find someone who you would like to be with really poorly, do not scare them away by being obsessive. If they like you too, there is no need to chase them. Yes, you should actively try to establish a date, but there's no reason to go on dates every single night of the week. Allow the relationship to get some breathing room. A fantastic way to judge whether a relationship is going well is if you find yourself missing the other person and vice versa. There is a great deal of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there's even scientific proof for it also. In a number of studies, anthropologists have found that lots of primates invest more effort into a relationships if the people in that relationship have been forced apart. What's interesting is that researchers in the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same is true in humans. By data mining mobile phone records and comparing telephone patterns and length, the researchers at the university found that humans may also invest more effort into relationships when there is a risk of that relationship weakening. I tried applying this research to relationship in a relatively straightforward way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse in between dates, ironically, makes the relationship strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship I found worked pretty well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- factor

15. This sequence meant that I would spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for sufficient time for the connection to grow and helped me make sure I didn't suffocate my dates, which was especially helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the start of the post, these relationship strategies helped me tremendously, but depending upon your context, your culture, and your comfort, your procedure may have to be different than the one above. The important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from dating. In actuality, because dating is such an emotional activity (like job hunting), it's imperative to have a system in place that will assist you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you are getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on an actual rollercoaster, it would be foolish to just jump and continue. Making sure you have that lap belt secured and that you have been on a few less intense rides can allow you to enjoy the ride a whole lot more. As we often discuss about the podcast, when you let go of expectations and only make your goal just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Similar to the help of world wide investors, you want to diversify your portfolio and minimize your risk of catastrophic failure. A means of doing that is by going on dates which aren't only sit-down dinners, so that no matter how your relationship partner behaves, at least you'll have a fantastic time doing something fun. And, to decrease the risk, you need to build both an outreach and relationship sequence so that you decrease the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Find a few activities you enjoy doing and then fit the dates into those activities. This is also a wonderful way to filter out people who aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long term. Naturally, irrespective of how well I did all of the above things, I still had my share of terrible dates. The woman who used me as a meal program being just one of many. But bear in mind, when you're feeling down and enjoy giving up on love altogether: "You're not as bad as they say you are, you are also not as good as you think you are." Take every date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you constantly work on your own, improving your conversations, your dates, and your relationship with others, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. Until then, strap in and enjoy the ride. If you enjoyed this post, I'd super love if you hit the green hand clap button below to ensure that more folks can find it. And, if you have any more questions about relationship, listen to our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the display.