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1. I looked at her and then looked at the dinner bill. She looked me directly in the eyes and smiled. Still, no response. It definitely was not my best moment, but it wasn't hers either. Apparently, as I found out later, I had fallen into a trap known as"the meal plan." The meal program, if you're unfamiliar with it, is when women go on dates with guys just to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she certainly fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all of the dates I had gone on until there: all 37 dates to be precise. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like this? Especially since I was being so vulnerable by putting myself out there to ask them out in the first place. As I matured in my internet relationship, however, I realized that this was actually a reaction for what men do to women. There are 3 significant levers in our lives which, if we pull them correctly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships can be the difference between depression and elation. I learned this firsthand because in the last 5 years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at the same time. I stopped the career I had been building for more than 7 years and I left my 10-year relationship with my girlfriend who I believed I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and dating novice. I was depressed. After 9 months of misery and frustration I was going to give up on online dating all together. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene activated and a small voice in my head said,"you are going to give up? No, no you are not. You're going to kick on online dating's ass!" I started to channel my misery into anger, and my anger into determination. I started to approach online dating like one big experiment. I began creating what I called,"The Process." In this blog post I'll take you through the entire process I chose to learn online dating. From optimizing your profile, A/B testing your descriptions, beginning meaningful conversations, as well as crafting interesting dates. We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so that you can not only get dates, but maybe discover the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I must preface that depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process may need to be different than the under. But, the important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from dating and treat it like an experiment.

2. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I will go meet fascinating people and do interesting things," you'll be much more inclined to enjoy the procedure. And, if you are diligent, you might end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I have been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 decades and we have moved in together. So maybe these strategies are not all that mad, but perhaps they are, I'll leave it for you to judge. Listen to the Modern Dating Show Podcast for more tips, tricks, and embarrassingly real stories. Notice: You can also listen to the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a lot of these approaches as we browse the present struggles and embarrassments of his own dating journey (and answer listener questions). The complete most frequent mistake I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is that they don't define their target obviously. Deep down inside, most of us know whether we are searching for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario that I've found is that both women and men who are looking for a meaningful relationship are optimizing their dating for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with online dating, she asked me to help her with her OKCupid profile. She is an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' really beautiful, a true 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she'd need my help. The photos I saw in her profile looked like they belonged more on thechive.com rather than on any dating website. Basically, so as to maximize for receiving dates, Maddy had chosen to only include her most provocative photographs. Now I want to be clear, there is nothing wrong with girls having"promiscuous" pictures online. The issue, in the case of dating, is the arrangement of a dating profile and what you contribute with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to pick up on visual clues much faster than written hints. In fact, they've found that men that are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles hide most information other than the profile photo until a user clicks, resulting in provocative photos sets a bad first impression. So, while it is totally fine to have hot photos up on your instagram, leading together in your online dating profile is sending signals that could be attracting the wrong sort of guy. There are also lots of classy ways to possess intriguing pictures that speak to more than just the unconscious brain. Internet Dating pictures can be both intriguing and classy So, although Maddy was trying to find a relationship, her photographs were only sending signals that she is looking for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag men filling up her inbox. Every man who has done online dating will testify to the struggle of getting a girl to swipe directly on their profile, let alone to make them engage in a conversation. Guys, this is completely your own fault.

3. I've seen men spend hours talking about the numbers of their favorite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, as well as how financial reports will effect the team's chances. But, when it comes to online dating, guys tend to slap a few pictures in their profile and then begin swiping like orangutans till their fingers develop calluses. Guys, stop. Before you begin creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you are trying to achieve. Are you trying to date a great deal of people? Or are you searching for a meaningful relationship? And"both" isn't an answer. As the saying goes... "If you try to appeal to everyone, you will appeal to no one." The techniques I will outline below work for desired outcome, but the choices you make will vastly affect your"conversion" rate. For example, the first time I mastered everything in this process, I started going on a great deal of dates (3--4 per week, weekly ), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I only realized months later that, while it is good to go on a great deal of dates and get practice relationship (remember I had been off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to make sure I was dating the right people. Luckily I realized this before I was the victim of some more"meal plans." STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile images and descriptions First impressions matter. According to a study from Princeton, it is estimated that in any relationship, whether its work or social, we make our mind up about whether we like the person in less than one second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is the first impression you make is based solely on your profile image. They don't get to hear you speak. They do not get to shake your hand. They don't get to smell you (it's a thing). All you get is 1 picture and there's a 99% chance it is the wrong one. If one is approaching online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to check is the profile picture. I first started this process in a very unscientific way... One hundred, and I mean 100% of these said that my first picture was not my best. It was interesting feedback, but I was not sure how I could test multiple pictures considering I could only put one as the default.

4. The response: testing across programs. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, and the dreaded Tindr. I retained my profile description the exact same on each profile, but I set up another profile image on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles until I could find a big enough sample size and make sure that the platform wasn't effecting results. Four of my real dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture which I thought was my best was always the one with the least games. Interestingly enough, a film that I did not read much into, pic B, was really a huge turn off for pretty much 100 percent of girls. I was shocked when I found this out, because the two girls in that photo are really good friends of mine, so that I never would have made that connection. Sometimes your photographs can be your greatest blind spot. To totally test out this idea, I really enrolled a couple of friends (both men and women) into the experiment and had them change out their profile pictures. They got varied results, but one thing was consistent: the picture they thought was their best, never performed the best. This is a super easy optimization that may look to be a pain today, but it is going to save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20 percent of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them frequently. Top Tip: If you want to speed this process up, you can actually ask your games what they think of your pictures. If a conversation with a game was not going well, I decided to get some"user comments" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photographs she believed was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I wasn't getting jobs.) Descriptions are negotiable In highschool I had a history teacher, Mr. Hernandez, who gave me perhaps the worst piece of advice I've ever received:"just be yourself." Now, part of this error might be my fault, because I took his advice very literally. I began to speak my thoughts, dress how I wanted to dress, and behave how I wanted to act. This turned out to be a very bad idea. Without any filter or thought behind my actions, I rubbed more than a few people the wrong way. Now that I've matured a bit, I have come to understand that there is a difference between being your total self and being yourself.

5. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are never our total selves except when we are by ourselves. Seth Godin has a wonderful podcast on"signals," that you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we knowingly choose which signs to give to other people. A man wearing a button up top, for instance, is not necessarily wealthy, but the button up top is putting out the signal that he's wealthy. Much like someone who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is signaling she doesn't want to follow society's rules, the man in the button up shirt is signaling that he is okay with subsequent convention. In college I met a girl at a party who immediately caught my attention. She was wearing a summer dress, flower earrings, and looked really cute. I approached her and we instantly hit off. We spent the whole party flirting and dancing. We made plans to have a lunch date at the college cafeteria after that week. I got to the cafeteria early and decided to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a girl walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed all in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace around her neck. At first I did not even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we began talking. After some awkward conversation, she explained that her friends were sick of her being single so they had dressed her up to be"cuter" for the party to attract a guy. I was that man. I didn't care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized we had practically nothing in common. The outfit she'd used as a sign at the party did not match her personality at all. We finished the date cordially and proceeded on. Choosing your signals is great, but picking false signals not so much. The same goes for your online dating profile description. You don't want to lie, but you also don't want to be your total self. You need to tell them about how you collect vintage records, you do not need to let them know about how you cry every time a U2 song comes on. You want to tell them about the way you volunteer at the animal shelter, you do not need to tell them about how you ran over your cat. Crafting a good description is perhaps the toughest and personal piece of enhancing your online dating profile. There's no right answer, but there are some wrong answers. The first step to having a good dating profile description is having a very clear structure. I break down a dating profile description into 3 parts: Headline: A brief sentence somebody can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A little longer description that gives some colour to your interests and personality. Call to Action: A desired action you want them to take. Online dating is inherently awkward, so help the other person by letting them know something you two can talk about. Ladies this is especially true for you. If you do not

6. want guys messaging you"hello" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to begin the conversation with. The Headline Unfortunately, people tend to surf internet dating programs the way they surf social networking sites: fast and without much thought. It might be, in actuality, that mobile devices have trained us to browse everything in a similar way. Because of this, I think the headline is possibly the most crucial piece of your description and you should try different variations until you find one that is right for you. After a lot of testing I discovered that this one worked best for me: The objective of the headline is to give a quick snapshot of what's unique about you. Having a headline that is authentic, interesting, and short acts like a stop sign for the individual who is scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their phone. It is likely that they'll laugh at the question. As any good content marketer knows, great content is about respecting the medium that you are creating the content for. For example, if I went into a woman at a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, energetic," she'll definitely get up and leave. The opposite is true for online relationship, however. You need your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or a single sentence, and make sure it is quintessentially you. The Intro Paragraph Once that initial curiosity is peaked, you should start paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This isn't the time to compose a book about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this individual, your picture and headline being the first two. The intro paragraph provides a little bit of color and possibly some talking points that you two can talk about in conversation (again, ladies, this is incredibly important to include if you want to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph which worked best for me was: "I love being outdoors as much as you can! Some of my favorite things are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I am a creative at heart but I love learning about new and businesses ideas. I'm into photography, design, and Tim Ferriss.

7. My perfect Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a fantastic book at Promenade cafe." This paragraph outlines a few basic hobbies and activities I like as well as some non-standard things like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The main thing to remember about this section is to avoid the generic activities that could apply to pretty much anyone. "I enjoy hanging out with friends, watching movies, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I am positive that there are people on earth who don't like watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95% or more of the folks in your area enjoy both those things too. Rather than attempting to fit in, try to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so you can discover common ground, but also things that are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Many people like being outdoors and photography. -- But very few people like learning about companies or Tim Ferriss. This is optional, although it certainly helps. In marketing, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they have viewed your content. In relationship, you basically want the person to message you. This seems like a no brainer, but I've found that a whole lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they finally become discouraged from making first contact. I've heard countless stories of women who have paired with a man who they really like, but the guy never messages them. When I ask them why they do not message first, it is said that they don't know what to say or they do not want to appear desperate. Butobviously you don't want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have a single section that says: Again, as with all this information, when in doubt just check it out. Try having a call to action and see whether your conversations improve. When they don't, just delete it. The attractiveness of dating apps is that instead of having 1--5 chances to make a relationship, as you would if you went to a bar for instance, you have tens of thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making first contact and chatting where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" dating is when it comes to the conversation. Having to chat online as your first conversation is a massive limitation when you're trying to begin a new relationship.

8. For one thing, it's a really unnatural way of communicating, because it's been proven that we receive 55 percent of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communication. It is logical then that when you take countless people and put them in a supernatural communication environment you get some fairly unnatural conversations. While it may be fun to play around with bizarre conversation openers, if you're serious about finding a fantastic relationship through online dating, then it is a fantastic idea to research your results a little bit. This gave me the chance to begin testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I simply would not have been able to determine if I didn't have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I'll spare you some of the terrible ideas I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's examine how well you can judge a good opener from a poor one. QUIZ Which of the following conversation starters performs the best? For bonus points, try to purchase them from most effective to least effective. A) "Hey! What is it going?" B) "Hey! (or some other variation of this type of question). D) "Hey! How did you like X book?" (according to a book they listed in their profile) I will let you think about it for a second. (I will add some space before the reply below. Scroll as soon as you're ready.) Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response

9. And the answer is... If you guessed D, then you picked the best answer! (If you guessed C, you chose the worst answer.) In order of best to worst, the replies are D, B, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to some conversation starter. While I found the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X novel," that obviously depends if they have put a book in their profile. You can alter this to ask about some other part of the profile, such as a picture or a place in their own pictures. The reason I suspect the book one works best though is because a) it shows you really read their profile and b) it shows that you read. If I may use the book opener to initiate a conversation I usually also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x publication? (This is the way I opened the dialogue with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I started with this opener felt much more natural and moved beyond a few messages. The next best option,"Hey! Works almost as well, but it's obviously confined to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be strange if you used this on a Friday). An alternative version I tried on Thursdays or Fridays was,"Hey! Have any fun plans for the weekend?" This worked pretty well, but not nearly too. I suspect it's because it sounds too much like I'm about to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think about something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you have made contact and the other person has responded, it is time to have a dialogue. Every conversation varies, but there are a few guidelines that I will put in here as hints. First, some online dating tips for men: DON'T attempt to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can not tell you the number of messages my female friends have shown me that noise objectively psychotic. The sad thing is that I know that the man is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation like you would with a friend. DO try to talk about things she is interested in but also add your own ideas. Among the most common complaints I have heard from female friends is they feel like they're being interviewed. Be certain that you ask questions, but that you also discuss things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her appearance or body. Irrespective of how well intentioned you are, it'll be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you are so beautiful! You have a cute smile! You're..." will only lead to a polite"thank you" and won't create meaningful conversation. Now, a couple of online dating suggestions for girls: DO be nice and help direct the conversation. Even when I've tried to be nice and friendly, I've still received quite curt or standoff-ish answers. No matter how much men pretend they don't care about the conversation, they do. And they usually don't have any clue what they are doing, so offer them some help and direct the dialogue in a

10. positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking any of your own. If you're tired of discussions feeling like interviews, then make sure to ask the man about things he's interested in as well. It takes two to tango. DON'T make judgments too soon. In my experience women tend to place a lot more thought in their text messages than men do. If a man says something that seems weird or odd, give him the benefit of the doubt and don't read too much into it, chances are he did not either. Now a proposal for the two parties: Try to move the dialogue from online to in real life relatively quickly. Online dating is a great tool to meet someone, but it is just that. It's a tool, it is not actual dating. My overall recommendation for moving from online to in real life is one long conversation or two brief conversations. It should never take more than a week to set up a date. So, if you match with each other on a Monday, you should definitely have begun talking about having a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the programs, but also get off them quickly. In real life is a good deal more fun too in case you know how to set up good dates... Step 4 -- Creating a date sequence that will make you smile more and sweat less Once I had mastered the online portion of dating, I soon realized that securing the date is just half the battle. The second half of the battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you have even set out from your house. In which you have your date determines about 50--70% of the results of the date. But a question... Where is the worst place to have a date? As it happens, it's actually at the most frequently selected dating location: A sit-down restaurant. Initially I was taking all my dates to restaurants for dinner. But remember, I was totally new to relationship so I was just following what I had seen in movies. Most of them did not go well, but I was not sure why. After a dozen or so awkward (and expensive) dates, I decided that I should experiment with several other locations. What happened next was totally mind blowing.

11. It was not that I was doing anything differently or that I had been choosing better girls to go on dates with, it was merely a matter of context. Here's why I think dinner dates don't work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger outside a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a desk. You begin speaking, then the waiter interrupts asking about beverages. You continue to talking. The waiter interrupts again to your food order. You're not ready to order because you've been talking. The waiter provides you"another minute." You look at the menu making remarks about the choices. The waiter comes back ten minutes later. You order food. You continue talking. You talk and talk. You then run out of things to discuss. What do you do next? There are no exits, nothing around to comment on, nothing to see or do. You have to keep talking. A dinner date provides no choices. It's a singular task that depends on you connecting with a complete stranger almost instantly. This problem is exacerbated by the fact that most of us are getting worse at getting in-person discussions. Spending so much time online has improved our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in- house communication abilities. Therefore, if we are getting worse at having in-person conversations, why would you bet your whole love life on the fact you will be able to have an amazing in-person conversation with a complete stranger? 3 Rules for Creating Great Dates I never thought that relationship could be a life-or-death action, but one day changed all that. I had been holding on to a little ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet over the floor like a giant cat toy. "O well," I thought,"this will be a great bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I anticipated the sharp jolt of the rope in my climbing harness. However, there was no jolt. I began falling for what felt like eternity. As it turns out, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope as I'd slipped off the ledge. She panicked and did not grab the rope until I had dropped 15 feet to what I was certain was my upcoming death. Eventually the rope finally stopped and I felt a huge jolt, both emotionally and physically. My whole dating profession made a 180-degree turn when I began taking my dates on fun activities rather than dinners. Some of these activities worked better than others. But I found out that the most essential elements to a wonderful date place could be distilled into three categories: Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you're walking, your scenery is shifting so you can pick up new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked man on rollerblades!" Activity -- Can we both do the action reasonably well? I've seen men get this one fairly wrong. It's fun to teach someone something that you are passionate about, but be sure it's not too hard. Taking a woman rock climbing? Make sure she isn't scared of heights first. Scalability -- Would the date increase or shrink in scale as needed? Having a terrific time? Great! Let's go get dessert! No chemistry? No issue, how do we end the date sooner?

12. With these three criteria, I crafted a 3 date sequence that nearly doubled the number of successful dates I went on. Now I know what you are thinking,"This man took women out to the same places like it was some kind of regimented assembly line?" No. This was my go-to sequence, but, based on interests, I would substitute different activities to keep the dates intriguing. This was merely a template that simplified my decisions and reduced the cognitive load I was putting on my mind. Happy brain = Happy dates. So here's my ideal dating arrangement: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks each Friday from the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the problems of inviting someone out to dinner is that everyone has different food tastes. Then (if you're a man ) you've got to account for cost of food. Off the grid solves this because there are over 20 different types of (affordable) cuisine. It also allows you to walk around, people watch, and get drinks. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a few go-tos, namely: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the shore. Why I like it: These activities had in common were the 3 variables: walkability, activity, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, catch cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favourite pub, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we could alternate between activity and talking. Why I like it: This date was especially important because if a woman had made it #3, it meant I really liked her. Additionally, it meant we might take the connection to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, also it was a semi-formal event so we can both dress nicely for that particular night. This was also my secret test because if a girl didn't like science and facts it probably would not work out between us anyway. As an added bonus, it was also a 20-min walk from my place, so that helped with the"scalability" of the night. Listen to all the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are merely three examples of how to take online dating offline and create a reasonably successful dating arrangement. Here are a few ideas on what to search for on every date as you attempt to create your own dating arrangement: Date #1: Look for a casual environment that isn't intimidating. Dark bars or loud places don't make for great conversation. Be certain that you can reliably go to this area, so avoid places with long waits or where you will need to make reservations. Ensure you are able to schedule the date for a weeknight (try to not book a person's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You have broken the ice and you have both agreed to another date, so have fun with this one! Choose an activity you will both like that isn't too difficult. Ideally choose an activity which has a cadence in which you alternate between doing something and speaking. Going on a 10 mile run is great for exercise, but it does not allow for conversation. Seeing a movie at a movie theater has similar limits. Date #3: You both confirmed you like each other, it is time to take it to the next level. Try to make this date a little more special than the first two. It should be romantic, it should test how compatible you really are, and it ought to confirm whether you want to continue seeing each other long term. Following the excitement of dates and two,

13. there may be a lull in date 3, so make sure whatever you choose provides new intimacy to the relationship. For example, if I did not go to the Cal Academy I would go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Obtaining your Timing Right Perhaps among the most crucial pieces of the internet dating mystery that I see men screw up again and again is time. Assuming the guy is the one driving the dating sequence (which isn't necessarily the case) there are a few questions you need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? When should you sleep together? Here I'll share my answers to these questions that I've found most useful. But again, depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort your answers may vary. The main thing is to actually consider timing, rather than leaving it up to"feeling." Going from Online to Offline It's quite easy to let a great online dialog die out. You message her, she messages you, back and forth, forth and back. To be able to make sure that I do not waste all my time with Click to find out more online conversations I found it was best to ask a woman to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or about 20 minutes of continuous conversation. Again, try not to linger at the safe-space of this digital world too long. It may feel like it's necessary, but it's very easy to waste a lot of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 once I was 25, functioning as"the new man" in a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales team. One thing I noticed is that every time they were finishing a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week then? O that's no great too. Okay how about the week after that?" Regardless of what the prospect said, the salesperson would always insist on at least"penciling" the next meeting into the calendar with the choice of cancelling if desired. When I took this technique and applied it to relationship, it led to some pretty incredible results. This rule is somewhat contrarian, but it has worked really well: Always request the second date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you are putting yourself out there. You're opening yourself up to strangers and in return you're getting plenty of uncertainty. No one likes uncertainty. No one likes to look at their phone every hour to see if you've texted them or not. Nobody likes to wonder whether you like them or not. Surprisingly, most individuals don't mind if you do not like them, they just want to know. So my suggestion would be to stop playing games, both with another person and on your own. If you like them, tell them you like them. If you don't, have the respect to let them know you don't. (A gentle way to do this is by telling them you aren't

14. prepared to date at this time. I had a woman tell me this and it was the simplest let down I have ever experienced and used it later myself too). I must pause here for a single caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not always. Nobody likes to be smothered or chased constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get very excited by the person they've just met and then they proceed to text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day. Stop Chasing Shadows When I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He explained,"Women are like shadows, the more you chase them, the longer they run away. The more you run away, the more they pursue you." If you discover someone who you want to be with really badly, do not frighten them away by being fanatical. If they like you too, there is no need to chase them. Yes, you should actively attempt to establish a date, but there's no reason to go on dates each and every night of the week. Permit the relationship to get some breathing room. A fantastic way to judge if a relationship is going well is if you find yourself missing the other person and vice versa. There is a lot of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there's even scientific evidence for it as well. In a number of studies, anthropologists have found that lots of primates invest more effort into a relationships if the individuals in that relationship have been forced apart. What's interesting is that researchers in the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same holds true in humans. By data mining mobile phone records and comparing telephone patterns and duration, the researchers at the university found that people may also invest more effort into relationships when there is a risk of that connection weakening. I tried applying this research to dating in a relatively straightforward way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse in between dates, ironically, makes the relationship strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship that I found worked fairly well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- factor This arrangement meant that I'd spread out the first 3 dates across a 1 month period. This allowed for enough time for the relationship to mature and helped me make sure I didn't suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them.

15. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the start of this post, these dating approaches helped me tremendously, but based on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process might need to be different than the one above. The important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come out of relationship. In actuality, because dating is such an emotional activity (like job hunting), it's imperative to have a system in place to assist you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you're getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on a real rollercoaster, it would be foolish to simply hop on and hold on. Making certain you have that lap belt secured and that you have been on a few less intense rides can allow you to enjoy the ride a good deal more. Perhaps the single most important thing to bear in mind though is to let go of expectations and treat the process like an experiment. As we frequently discuss about the podcast, even when you let go of expectations and only create your target just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Like the help of world-class investors, you want to diversify your portfolio and decrease your chance of catastrophic failure. A way of doing this is by going on dates that are not just sit-down dinners, so that no matter how your dating partner behaves, at least you'll have a good time doing something fun. And, to decrease the risk, you should build both an outreach and dating sequence so you decrease the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Locate a few activities you like doing and then match the dates into those activities. This is also a wonderful way to filter out people who aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long run. Of course, irrespective of how well I did all of the above things, I still had my share of terrible dates. The girl who used me as a meal plan being just one of many. Dating is a rollercoaster that will frighten you, challenge you, and sometimes make you wish you had never gotten on. But bear in mind, once you're feeling down and like giving up on love altogether: "You're never as bad as they say you are, you are also not as good as you think you are." Take every date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you constantly work on your own, improving your discussions, your dates, and your connection with other people, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. Until then, strap in and enjoy the ride. If you enjoyed this post, I would super appreciate if you hit the green hand clap button below so that more folks can discover it. And, if you have any more questions about dating, listen to our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the display.