The Path of Transformation from Victim to Empowered Parent

1. STEPPING BACK FROM DRAMA The Path of Transformation from Victim to Empowered Parent

2. PARENTING HURTS Receiving the cold shoulder, insults, negative emotions from our kids causes us pain, insult, and anger Seeing our children struggle causes concern, anxiety and fear We have cared for them We want to help them Now we are being knocked off our pedestal despite our best efforts to remain helpful

3. THE DIVINE DRAMEDY Children see parents as gods Teenagers see parents as demons Adults see parents as humans

4. WE NEED A MAP

5. KARPMAN’S DRAMA TRIANGLE RESCUER PERSECUTOR VICTIM

6. VICTIM CHARACTERISTICS Little power to affect change, requires outside agent to change in order to shift dynamic Person seeks to identify source of the problem then respond in ways that target persecutor powerless stance

7. VICTIM RESPONSES Victim perspective sees a problem over which they have limited control to address Flight Freeze Fight overpower persecutor seek rescuer to come in and fix situation numb out avoid argue seek others to agree, console, and validate perspective give up demand be held

8. RESCUER CHARACTERISTICS Seeks to save victim from pain of persecution Person Behavior desire to help screen time workaholism Fear for the safety of victim substance abuse

9. RESCUER RESPONSES Attempts further the drama Reinforces the victim’s perceived powerlessness by conveying to the victim that they need the help of another to overcome their situation

10. PERSECUTOR CHARACTERISTICS Exist in symbiotic duality with victims Conditions Person Situations fear layoff health natural disaster anxiety social dread

11. PERSECUTOR RESPONSES Win/lose mentality Avowed to win at any cost Seems to be in a powerful position, yet often acting from a victim mindset Fears if they do not fight they will fall prey to the other party and become the victim In a fight between parent and child, both parties may experience themselves as the victim to the other persecutor

12. WE NEED TO FLIP THE SCRIPT CREATOR THE EMPOWERMENT DYNAMIC CHALLENGER COACH RESCUER PERSECUTOR KARPMAN’S DRAMA TRIANGLE VICTIM

13. THE EMPOWERMENT DYNAMIC CREATOR COACH CHALLENGER

14. CREATOR CHARACTERISTICS Recognize they are playing a role in any situation or dynamic that is playing out Take responsibility for engaging creatively when what’s happening isn’t working See others as “above the line” partners in the dynamic

15. CREATOR RESPONSES Focus on the road ahead: What are we trying to do and where are we trying to go? Maintain a values orientation over a problem orientation Recognizes and accepts power and limits of power

16. CHALLENGER CHARACTERISTICS Any person, situation or circumstance that strength, creativity, courage, etc. to meet Conditions Person Situations fear layoff health natural disaster anxiety social dread

17. CHALLENGER RESPONSES Exist in symbiotic duality with victims Conditions Person Situations fear layoff health natural disaster anxiety social dread

18. COACH CHARACTERISTICS Seeks to save victim from pain of persecution Person Behavior desire to help screen time workaholism Fear for the safety of victim substance abuse

19. COACH RESPONSES Seeks to save victim from pain of persecution Person Behavior desire to help screen time workaholism Fear for the safety of victim substance abuse

20. MAKING THE SHIFT – CROSSING THE LINE Moving from Victim to Creator requires we take responsibility for how we respond and relate to the situations of our life In the presence of challenging thoughts, feelings, choices, we need to ask ourselves about what we value and then do the difficult work of identifying and unhooking from the forces that keep us stuck in reactive victim stance “In the space between stimulus and response there is a gap. In that gap lay our freedom” Frankl

21. CHANGING ROLES Shifts can happen at two levels How we see ourselves How we see others Others may make their own shifts as a result of relating to you outside the drama triangle Accept that we can only change ourselves

22. VICTIM TO CREATOR Fundamentally the core shift Requires us to hold the previous truth in mind – only can change ourselves – and act towards others from a place of responsibility for our feelings and our values Central question Essential shift What do I want? Reacting Choosing

23. PERSECUTOR TO CHALLENGER Fundamentally the core shift Requires us to hold the previous truth in mind – only can change ourselves – and act towards others from a place of responsibility for our feelings and our values Central question Essential shift What do I want? Reacting Choosing

24. RESCUER TO COACH Fundamentally the core shift Requires us to hold the previous truth in mind – only can change ourselves – and act towards others from a place of responsibility for our feelings and our values Central question Essential shift What do I want? Reacting Choosing

25. CLARIFYING RESPONSIBILITY Shifting from Victim to Creator as a parent shifts your responsibility from being about how your kid shows up in the world to how you show up with and for your child Your kid is responsible for their lives, while you seek to be genuine support (coach) who helps them discover their capacity to solve problems and be a creator in their own right Difficult work here entails unhooking from our own triggers so we can choose our responses rather than simply react.