James Williams

1. James Williams Sexuality From An Autistic Perspective

2. Introduction • Adult with autism, aged 26 • Full-time author and speaker with autism • Have been presenting on autism since 1999 • Diagnosed with autism at age 3 • Author of three books and co-author of one book • Consulted at many schools • Worked at summer camps for 5 years • Identify as male and am openly asexual

3. Disclaimer Although this presentation discusses issues of sexuality and does include some mature content, the ultimate purpose of this presentation is to educate people about the struggles people with ASD face about sexuality, and to teach awareness of how understanding sexuality is important for everyone regardless of any person’s sexual behavior. This presentation is NOT designed to promote, endorse, disapprove, or condone any form of sexuality or sexual activity.

4. Why Discuss This Perspective? • People with autism have unique issues related to sexuality and adolescence that are not always discussed in sex education classes or curriculums • People with autism experience adolescence differently than neurotypical people • Symptoms of autism can worsen during adolesence (Grandin et al.) • Established systems for coping with these issues do not always work for people with ASD

5. My Personal Experiences • Grew up with many sexuality concerns • Failed to understand why I was not sharing the same “sexual interest” in girls that my male peers shared that they had, thought I was weird • Feigned crushes thinking I had to in order to appear normal • Had many issues during adolescence and puberty that were not always understood by teachers and family members • Misled and given horrible advice by several uncles in my family

6. My Personal Experiences • Friends tended to be mostly female but I had no interest in dating or romance • At age 13, baby sister was born whom I helped raise with my single mother • Worked at several child care settings in adolescence – endured judgment and prejudice in my community as a teenage male who worked with children • Breakthrough finally occurred at age 18 when I befriended a girl who helped me come to terms with my sexuality issues…

7. My Personal Experiences • This girl worked as a lifeguard for the local YMCA and I would meet and hang out with her during slow times and work breaks • She became one of my best friends and helped me understand a lot of my sexuality concerns and answered many questions that other people in my life were unable to answer for me • She helped me understand the term “asexual,” and that term describes people like myself who experience no sexual attraction, and no desire to date or have a romantic relationship • I came out as “asexual” at age eighteen and doing so helped me function better in all areas of life, and I still identify as such today • Temple Grandin’s writings in her book “Thinking in Pictures” about her own lack of interest in dating and romance also helped me understand I was not alone and accept who I was

8. But I did not go through these experiences alone. I had other friends that were doing so as well. And after I came out at eighteen, my social life expanded greatly. I changed from being introverted to extroverted, and developed a large social life. At the same time, at the age of 19, after being homeschooled since the 5th grade, I returned to full time high school for years, and graduated with a diploma at 21. I also was very popular and had a full social life by the time of graduation.

9. Based on the experiences of myself, my friends, and the lessons I have learned in my work as an author, speaker, camp leader, and consultant, I shall now share my current perspective on sexuality and autism.

10. Perspectives on Sexuality • Discussing, talking about, understanding, and learning about sexuality is NOT the same as engaging in inappropriate sexual behavior. Understanding sexuality is about understanding yourself, your personal boundaries, acceptable boundaries in friendships, and staying safe in a society that bombards you with sexual input regardless of who you are as a person. Just because two close friends, regardless of gender, are speaking openly about sexuality issues does NOT mean they are engaging in sexual activity with each other.

11. Perspectives on Sexuality • Teachers and family members tend to stress the importance of going to people of your same gender for sexuality advice. However, some people with autism feel more comfortable going to their opposite gender for such information. If you are working with or know someone who feels this way, safe people of the opposite gender should be found who can talk to them. I personally learned the best advice on sexuality from my mother and trusted female friends, while many males in my life gave me the WORST advice.

12. Perspectives on Sexuality • There is no one sexual orientation specific to autism. Not all people with autism are asexual, nor are all people with autism hypersexual. People with autism vary widely in their sexual orientations, and their sexual interest. However, just because a person with autism is of a certain age or gender does NOT automatically mean they understand sexual activity or have sexual interest!

13. Perspectives on Sexuality • Although puberty and sexuality are related, they are socially very different subjects. Remember, no one ever has to engage in sexual activity but EVERYONE has to go through puberty. And many NT adolescents will speak freely to one another about sexuality but will not talk to each other about puberty. Likewise, many of my friends with ASD and I grew up talking very openly about our struggles with puberty without even mentioning the word “sex.”

14. Perspectives on Sexuality • Some people with autism prefer having friends of the opposite gender over their same gender. This is often because of social comforts and has nothing to do with sexual interest. I grew up having mostly female friends because they were more understanding and treated me with respect, even though I’ve never felt any interest towards them. Some of my friends turned me into “one of the girls,” and we would often engage in conversations on girl talk that most girls and guys don’t talk about.

15. Perspectives on Sexuality • In addition, these girls taught me invaluable social lessons. They taught me how to maintain appropriate social boundaries in friendship, and we would frequently talk about boundaries we expected from each other in our friendships. They also taught me how not to stalk or harass other individuals, and ALWAYS let me know if I was breaking a boundary with proper instruction. They also taught me how to fit in with them as well, and together we challenged many social double standards and fought for cross gender social inclusion.

16. Perspectives on Sexuality • Societal taboos on discussing issues of puberty, unrelated to sexuality, can make it harder for adolescents with ASD to go through puberty. For example, many of my female friends with ASD and I talked openly about how their struggles coping with menstruation since we mutually felt that girls should be allowed to speak only about menstruation with guy friends if they chose to. Some of my female friends had to since their symptoms of ASD would magnify on or before their period, making them unable to hide from a lot of people that they were menstruating.

17. Perspectives on Sexuality • I myself endured a lot of struggles going through puberty as well. It was difficult for me to have to start washing my face more frequently, and my face was routinely covered in acne. I also endured excessive wet dreams, sometimes nightly. In addition, I endured intense pressure in high school by male peers to engage in promiscuous sexual activity that I had no desire to engage in, while ironically being told by my teachers that I needed to be friends with my male peers because it was more appropriate!

18. Perspectives on Sexuality • Sexuality instruction for people with autism needs to be individualized. We talk a lot about teaching people with autism about things like masturbation or dating. This is important, but it should be remembered that while one adolescent with ASD may be hypersexual, another adolescent might still be emotionally a child, struggling with puberty, with no involvement or engagement with sexuality or masturbation. If a person with ASD is in that situation and is NOT masturbating inappropriately, don’t bring it up! Educate people with ASD based on need and maturity, as well as the need to stay safe.

19. Perspectives on Sexuality • Puberty and sexuality should be discussed equally, and issues with puberty should be emphasized as well. As my friends with ASD and I have discussed, you can live without masturbating, but you can’t live without finding some way how to cope with menstruation and wet dreams, even if it involves birth control. My friends and I have often felt frustrated that so much of sexual education focuses on stuff like the former, that we can live without, and not the latter, that we all have to live with!

20. Perspectives on Sexuality • Last year, I presented at MBLGTACC, an annual conference for college students who are Gay/Straight Alliance leaders as well as LGBT college individuals. I met many individuals with ASD who were also LGBT, and quite a few transgendered individuals with ASD. I learned a lot from these individuals. Unfortunately, our sexual education curriculums for individuals with ASD often focus solely on gender binaries and boundaries for straight social activities. LGBT individuals with ASD have issues as well and they should also be helped.

21. Perspectives on Sexuality • In addition, new research by adult with ASD Sarah Hendrickx has shown that people with ASD can have different experiences based on their gender. For example, Hendrickx has done research showing that males and females with ASD tend to have very different experiences with relationships and dating even when they have similar functioning levels. In her surveys, she has found that many males with ASD tend to have their first relationship later than NT males, whereas females with ASD tend to have their first relationships very early in life, sometimes before adolescence.

22. Perspectives on Sexuality • Sexual activity is sexual activity, plain and simple. Sadly, many activities that are not sexual are often restricted based on assumptions that they will lead to sexual activity. When you have mostly opposite gender friends, you often find yourself subject to double standards and restricted from doing things that same gender friends take for granted because of assumptions of such activity. This frustrated many of my opposite gender friends, especially those like myself who had mostly opposite gender friends and didn’t have a large same gender social group.

23. Perspectives on Sexuality • Examples of such activity involve clothes shopping, sleepovers, and going to salons to get your hair, nails, or makeup done. We restrict many of these activities to same gender friends, sometimes based on assumptions that they may lead to sexual activity. Many of my female friends with ASD and I resented these restrictions, especially since many of them didn’t have many female friends they could do these activities with but still had an interest in doing so. But our resentment was not because of sexual interest.

24. Perspectives on Sexuality • In high school, one of my best friends was a girl with ASD. We’d go to salons, shop for clothes, talk openly about her secret crushes, and we would have sleepovers together, and NEVER engaged in any inappropriate behavior together. We are still friends to this day.

25. Perspectives on Sexuality • Ideally, social preferences should be respected. People should be allowed to go to people they are comfortable with when it comes to talking about sexual concerns. Sometimes the people society tells people with ASD to go to regarding these issues are not always the people that we are comfortable going to. And a person’s age or gender does not automatically make them safe or dangerous, it is that person’s history and character that makes that determination. Sexuality is a sensitive subject and people should be allowed to decide who they are comfortable talking to about these issues.

26. Perspectives on Sexuality • No one is perfect, neither am I. These issues are confusing for everyone but are especially confusing for people with ASD. Some people with ASD might make mistakes and engage in bad behaviors because of such confusion. This should not be used to reflect who they are as a whole. Likewise, many people with ASD have suffered sexual abuse, or have naively consented to certain behaviors due to lack of knowledge. A person’s sexuality should NOT be judged based on if they have been abused or how they behaved based on lack of social knowledge or confusion.

27. Perspectives on Sexuality • A lot of the wisdom you hear today comes not just from being taught the right lessons by the right people, but being able to learn and move on from mistakes that I did make. I’ve made my share of mistakes as well that fortunately, were not major enough to cause me to go to jail or put me on a sex offender registry. I have sometimes ended friendships due to those mistakes.

28. Perspectives on Sexuality • People with autism need to learn not just appropriate boundaries in friendships and relationships, but also to know when to quit. Not all friendships and relationships work out, and sometimes it is best to end a relationship peacefully. People with autism should be taught that sometimes a friendship might be worth maintaining, but other times it might be worth ending.

29. Perspectives on Sexuality • Some people with autism have strong cross gender social preferences that, if not understood well enough, can sometimes lead to those people engaging in sexual activity thinking that they need to engage in such behavior in order to develop cross gender friends. These people should be helped and not judged, and their cross gender social preferences should not be acknowledged and not ignored.

30. Perspectives on Sexuality • For example—I am good friends with a girl with ASD whose desire for guy friends was so strong that she would engage in sexual activity with guys who misled her into thinking she had to do things with them to be their friend. They took advantage of her innocence. However, she wanted those friendships so badly she engaged in such behaviors thinking that she would acquire the non-romantic friendship she wanted so badly. To this day she calls me one of her best friends since I have offered her the non-romantic friendship that she has desired so much in her life.

31. Perspectives on Sexuality • People need to know about sexuality regardless of their orientation, gender, or sexual activity. It is essential in order to function as an adult in our world. For example, although I am asexual and have no interest in engaging in sexual activity, I still am judged as a sexual human male by people who do not know me well, and in order for me to stay safe I have had to be aware of how others can and do judge me in order to function in society.

32. Perspectives on Sexuality • Finally, many adolescents and adults with ASD, regardless of gender, often find that they relate and work well with young children. Many of these individuals, especially males with ASD, are sometimes thought of as perverted for doing so. This is unfair prejudice. Many of these individuals get along well with children because of their social differences, NOT because they are perverted!

33. Perspectives on Sexuality • Consider this--although I speak openly about issues of sexuality in this presentation, and have worked with and helped many families of adolescents with ASD, I have ALWAYS censored my language in front of young children, and despite having had to be taught many unwritten social rules in life, this was ONE rule I knew instinctively and never had to be taught.

34. So, there’s my perspective in a nutshell. Special thanks to ALL the people in my life, such as my friends in high school, and experts such as Temple Grandin, Melissa Dubie, Jerry Newport, Lezley Lazuerne, Amy Gravino, and others who have helped me in my journey towards understanding sexuality and its importance in becoming a functional human being.

35. Thanks for listening. Since every individual with ASD is different in their sexuality and their issues, in my opinion, there is no set advice that can be given that will work with each person regarding sexuality. I shall now answer your questions and give any advice I can regarding your own concerns and situations you are involved in.