Resilience

1. Resilience Lawyers Assistance Program Facilitated by Robert Bircher

2. What is Resilience? • Generally, it means bouncing back quickly from a difficult experience • Most people have some level of resilience and that it can be improved and increased with learning and practice • Unfortunately, in general, Lawyers don’t have it –they score much lower in this trait than the general population • This workshop is about enhancing this useful life skill

3. Resilience in Lawyers • It is easy to see how the ability to try something, fail , and move on without a severe psychological beating-would be a valuable skill • Larry Richard; a lawyer -psychologist says “90% of lawyers I’ve tested score in the bottom half of the resilience trait.ie their scores are 49% or lower. Lawyers are thin- skinned, defensive, and slow to rebound from criticism, rejection ,or setbacks. This makes them somewhat averse to intimate relationships…”

4. Resilience • We see this in practice here at the LAP very often-usually with lawyers who have had a job setback like criticism, a poor performance review or being fired, and sensitivity to personality conflicts at firms • In fairness, this can also be caused by the fact Lawyers are very poor at sociability (7% vs. 50% for the general population)

5. Resilience • This means lawyers as a group are poor at emotional connections, disclosing of their inner life or remembering the inner lives of others. In general, Lawyers avoid anything touchy feely • This can manifest as gross insensitivity and disastrous management of people • In the near term this realty won’t change, making it difficult for sensitive people to survive this type of culture

6. Resilience • Resiliency is a great way to survive the hard knocks of being a lawyer • How do you pull yourself up after a setback? • What doesn’t work is rumination, which is a spiral of morbid self involvement. Many lawyers get stuck in a repetitive; self critical thought pattern that I often say is Repetitive, Useless and Negative • RUN!

7. Resilience • In their minds lawyers think that this post mortem analysis thinking is valuable, which it is –the first time around! Thinking the same thought over and over is painful and pointless-like mowing the lawn 30 times in one day-only the first time around helps • Part of the problem here is that lawyers believe they can think their way out of this-that somehow more thinking is the answer-the truth is over thinking is actually the problem!

8. CBT and Resilience • Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is the most common form of talk therapy and is based on the idea that your reality is based on your core beliefs (or narratives) and can be changed • What people call “thinking” is you talking to yourself (self -talk) and where people get into trouble is that their own opinions and judgments about themselves (within this self talk) are often very distorted

9. Resilience • If you believe that you shouldn’t fail or that bad things shouldn’t happen to you, you will be surprised and unusually vulnerable when these things do happen • A great core belief to change, if you want resilience, would be your attitudes toward failure and suffering • Resilient people have the attitude that failure is necessary for learning and suffering is the worlds best teacher • If you get fired from your job you can believe “I am a hopeless loser” and you will have some very unpleasant feelings flowing from that belief

10. Resilience • If you believe this is a great opportunity to finally do something different, or something you really love to do; the feelings will be excitement and optimism • Resilient people are more likely to come to the second belief, even if they beat themselves up for a day or two • An attitude that works is that suffering is not only inevitable, it is necessary for most people to make any change at all! One of the first things I learned about counseling was the enormous value of suffering!

11. Suffering is Necessary! • In some cases more suffering is exactly what people need-how many people stop an addiction before there is considerable suffering? How many people go on a diet (that actually works) without suffering? • Actually; depriving a person of suffering is one of the most harmful things you can do to a person, in some situations. Parents who do this with their children are often depriving them of a learning experience

12. Failure is Normal and Useful • For almost everyone; considerable failure is necessary for success. Very few people succeed in a big way without lots of failure • The most useful way to deal with failure is to look for the lesson within it(look for the blessing in the curse)make changes, then forget it • Most people that make a mistake are too busy beating themselves up to fix the problem

13. True Grit • Resilient people stick to their goals and never quit-much success comes to those who stick around despite one disaster after another • True Grit does not mean doing the same dysfunctional thing over and over and expecting a different result-it means noticing what works and making changes • If one job or area of law doesn’t work, move on

14. Character is Built by Recovery from Failure • It is arguable personal growth or change is not possible without considerable failure-in fact it is needed for this to occur • Look at your own life and your family-it is likely many great things have come out of disasters • Resilient people are more realistic about the usual human “failings” • Resilient people also avoid the mental trap of comparison-it is pointless

15. Resilience and Relationships • Resilient people value their relationships and reach out for help if necessary-they are the opposite of the “rugged individualist” popular in our culture • Resilient people let poor relationships go easily-relationships will come and go in your lifetime, few will last a lifetime and few are meant to • How many people do you know who are happily married to the first person they ever went out with?

16. Resilient Relationships • If a relationship needs to end-let it go-staying in relationships that are dead or dying are corrosive to self esteem • Rather than beat yourself up about a relationship ending-be grateful for the time you walked the path of life together • As a family lawyer and mediator I have been involved with hundreds of relationship endings and if I had the power to magically put these people back together I wouldn't-they needed to end

17. Career and Resilience • In the totality of your career legal jobs will come and go-and this is how it should be-lawyers move around a lot-the average is 3 jobs per decade-I worked at 7 firms(including 3 of my own) in 25 years • It is very rare to find a lawyer who articled and did his or her entire career at one firm • Resilient lawyers know law firms and jobs will come and go like the seasons-non resilient people fight the natural flow of life and falsely believe that change is bad

18. Career and Resilience • I counsel a lot of people who leave a firm or get fired –the resilient message is-learn whatever lesson is there(usually this is simple and clear) and then move on • Changing jobs is natural and normal-again if I had the power I would not put lawyers back into places where the fit is poor-you got fired or quit for a reason-listen to it and move on

19. Unemployment and Resilience • Many unemployed lawyers spend more time beating themselves up than looking for work in a productive way • Resilient lawyers do what works and move on-they accept the fact that rejection is normal-it is like going to a shoe store-the shoe you like fits or it doesn’t-and if it doesn’t-there is nothing wrong with your foot and there is nothing wrong with the shoe-you just keep looking • Look at your feet-if your shoes fit you are already a resilient shoe shopper!!

20. Resilience, Grieving and Loss • Loss is part of life and sooner or later all of us will suffer significant loss-including the death of loved ones • Resilient people know the difference between healthy grieving and unhealthy depression • With healthy grieving you will feel sad but it won’t impact your self esteem, your sadness gradually disappears, you carry on with life and it doesn’t discourage you or your plans

21. Resilience, Grieving and Loss • Unhealthy grieving(a.k.a. depression) impacts your self esteem, the feelings go on and on, you make the loss about you personally, you are demoralized and you thoughts are negative, distorted and exaggerated • Acceptance of that which you cannot change is another trait of resilient thinkers-wishing the world was different is not a winning strategy • You will likely never have all your ducks in a row-and even if you do-it won’t be for long

22. Resilience and Fear • Lawyers can get a distorted view of fear since they are trained in law school to find problems in any situation-this is useful if you are reviewing a contract –it is a disaster if you apply it to your personal life. Lawyers also are very skeptical(in the 90th percentile)-very useful in law, but can create irrational fears in real life • Combined with the above; lawyers also believe they can think their way out of things-in fact their faulty thinking is the problem!

23. Healthy and Unhealthy Fear • Resilient people know the difference between healthy fear and unhealthy fear(a.k.a neurotic anxiety) • Characteristics of healthy fear-the danger is real(not imagined),it soon disappears when the danger has passed, the fear is valid and results in positive action; there is no shame involved • With unhealthy fear the danger is exaggerated , imagined, distorted or incorrect, it never ends, you don’t take useful actions, you are paralyzed with inactivity; you may feel ashamed

24. Perfectionism and Resilience • Resilient people know the difference between perfectionism, excellence and competence • Perfectionism is a joy robbing neurosis and is the enemy of resilience • Perfectionism involves motivation by internal self criticism, excellence involves motivation by creativity and enthusiasm • Perfectionists see failure of a task as failure as a human being; people pursuing excellence see mistakes as an opportunity for growth and learning

25. Resilience and Perfectionism • Competence is simply doing a good job-perfectionism is the enemy of competence-you are too busy beating yourself up to simply fix the error and move on • To state a blinding flash of the obvious-perfectionism is impossible to begin with!

26. Resilience and Optimism • Resilient people are optimistic • They focus on what is within their power to control-pessimists try and change others or hope the world will change to suit them • Resilient people take the long view “This too shall pass” • Resilient people don’t globalize failure in one area, to all other areas of their life

27. Resilience and Cognitive Distortions • Resilient people learn to eliminate distortions from their thinking-see attached sheet of the most common distortions • Resilient people deal with real problems; not mind manufactured ones-there are enough catastrophes in real life as it is-why add more?

28. Resilience and Criticism • Resilient people do not hurt themselves with criticism-they know that without their active participation criticism cannot hurt them • Resilient people never make the criticism about themselves • They separate their self esteem from “other esteem” • They just notice the criticism, make a change if they want to, accept it if it is true and make amends if possible, or decide they are not going to change anything • They come to realize criticism is the breakfast of champions

29. Resilience and Connections • Resilient people have good relationships and put time and energy into them • When a crisis comes they have lots of people help them out • Reclusiveness is the enemy of resilience

30. Resilience, Change and Decisiveness • Resilient people expect change, love to change and waste no time worrying about having to make changes • They know deeply, that nothing in life is certain- except change! • Resilient people are good decision makers and decide to do it, decide not to do it now or decide to delegate it-they waste no time in ruminating or hoping more thinking or worrying will help