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Positive Approaches to Influencing your Children

Positive Approaches to Influencing your Children

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Positive Approaches to Influencing your Children

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  1. Positive Approaches to Influencing your Children John Sommers-Flanagan, Ph.D.University of Montana, Department of Counselor Educationjohnsommersflanagan.com

  2. Opening Thoughts • Thanks to Brandee Tyree, Underage Substance Abuse Coordinator, Missoula Forum for Children and Youth • My favorite survey • Why you’re here • Why I’m here • The Plan

  3. Because Children are the FutureParents are our Focus

  4. The Plan • Focus very briefly on foundations for optimal brain development • Have a conversation about four strategies for how parents can influence their children • Offer closing thoughts

  5. Foundations of Child and Adolescent Brain Development • Use more words • Use blocks and other manipulatives • Have less screen time • Make emotional connections • Touch in gentle and soothing ways • Expose your children to music – and dancing • Engage with books and reading • Set limits – It’s okay to say no and then show empathy • When your child/teen is obnoxious and nasty, the answer is always “No.”

  6. Understanding the Parent Influence Model • What parents want • Parents generally want to know how to be a positive force or influence in their children’s lives . . . So their children turn out relatively happy and free (e.g., not in prison)

  7. Approaches to Power/Influence • Direct Power • Indirect Power • Problem-Solving Power • Relationship Power

  8. Direct Power • Grandma’s Rule • If—Then Consequences (Pre-set rules – ex: curfew and communication) • Passionate Praise • Boring Punishment • Use your voice! (you can even whisper)

  9. Direct Power Discussion

  10. Indirect Power • Modeling • Encouragement • Character feedback • Wagers • Give choices

  11. Indirect Power Discussion

  12. Problem-Solving Power • Solution talk: How did you manage . . . ? • Behavioral alternatives • What has worked before? • The 4 questions of choice theory • What do you want? What are you doing? Is it working? Should you make a new plan? • Mutual problem-solving

  13. Discussing Problem-Solving Power

  14. Relationship Power • Use recreation and play • Use special time • Ask for a favor or I.O.U. • Guilt (I’m disappointed) • Everyday connection (“I love you”)

  15. Discussing Relationship Power

  16. Everyday Connection

  17. Concluding Comments • What will you remember? • What principles, strategies, or techniques could you start using right away?

  18. For Free Parenting Tip Sheets and Homework Assignments go to: • http://www.wiley.com/WileyCDA/WileyTitle/productCd-1118012968,descCd-DOWNLOAD.html • To access 10 tip sheets and/or “follow” John’s blog go to johnsommersflanagan.com

  19. The Families First Website • http://www.familiesfirstmontana.org/ • http://www.familiesfirstmontana.org/parenting/John%20Sommers-Flanagan%20Tip%20Sheets.html