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Couples Building Rock Solid Marriages. “The Whole, Complete, Mature Person” The Body Part Series December 19, 2010. We have looked at having. Ears to hear Eyes to see Nose to know Face as identity Brain and mind Hands and arms and feet to do Tongue to speak Heart to respond

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couples building rock solid marriages

Couples Building Rock Solid Marriages

“The Whole, Complete, Mature Person”

The Body Part Series

December 19, 2010

we have looked at having
We have looked at having
  • Ears to hear
  • Eyes to see
  • Nose to know
  • Face as identity
  • Brain and mind
  • Hands and arms and feet to do
  • Tongue to speak
  • Heart to respond
  • Skeleton for framework
  • Muscles for movement
  • Nerves and skin to feel, protect
  • …and, we didn’t even get to private parts….
todd and pfung scholl introduce todd robert tang scholl friday 12 17 9 pounds 20 inch
Todd and Pfung Scholl introduce Todd Robert Tang SchollFriday, 12/17, 9 pounds, 20 ¾ inch
so what about when all these parts are moving together
So, what about when all these parts are moving together?

New Couples


At your tables-----

If I were to ask, “How’s your whole person?”, what would I be talking about?

What makes a person “Whole”?

what is not whole
What is “not whole”?
  • Not one of us is whole!
  • He/she is not all there!!!!!
  • Behaviors, or lack of behaviors, that generally don’t reflect where others think you ought to be, given your age or your station in life……and my not reflect where you want to be, or who you really are.
  • Expectations of others who have a stake in your behavior----parent, employer, spouse, law enforcement, public, sponsors. And, others who question your priorities and principles.
  • A sense of being untimely, unripe, unseasoned, unaware of your surroundings, unhinged, aiming carelessly.
  • Not accountable nor responsible---- emotionally, physically, mentally, socially, spiritually, sexually, etc.
again at your tables as a couple
Again, at Your Tables, as a couple

Who is the most “whole, complete” person you have ever known and why?

In what areas of your marriage are you whole as a couple, and in what areas are you not?

consider these marks of wholeness in yourself and in your marriage
Consider these Marks of Wholenessin yourself and in your marriage
  • The ability to control anger and settle differences w/o violence and destruction.
  • Willingness to pass up immediate pleasure for long term goals and values.
  • Perseverance in the face of opposition and setback.
  • The capacity, through the Holy Spirit, to face unpleasantness and frustration, w/o continual complaint or ultimate collapse.
  • Being big enough to say, “I was wrong”. So big, you don’t have to win every argument.
  • And when right, needs not to experience the satisfaction of saying, “I told you so”.
  • Working well and efficiently as a couple
consider these marks of maturity in yourself and in your marriage
Consider these Marks of Maturityin yourself and in your marriage
  • The ability to make a timely decision and stand by it--theless than wholespend enormous time exploring endless possibilities, then do nothing.
  • Keeping one’s word. Those of us who are not “whole” are masters of the alibi. We appear confused, disorganized, and our lives are a maze of broken promises, former friends and unfinished business.
  • Having a sense of priority and purpose.
  • Evidenced more and more by joy, peace, love, kindness, selflessness, understanding, patience, realistic expectations, stability.
a whole faith
1. Trusts in God’s saving grace and believes firmly in the saving power, grace and mercy of Christ.

2. Exhibits a sense of personal well-being, security, and peace thru the indwelling of the H.S., and the work of Christ in everyday life.

3. Combines faith and life, integrating work, family, social relationships, thought life and habits.

4. Seeks spiritual growth through study, reflection, prayer, discussion with others.

5. Seeks to be part of a community of believers who give witness to their faith and support and nourish one another.

6. Holds relationship-affirming values of faithfulness, including commitment to the “One Anothers”, rather than nursing the disease of “immature pigitis”

A Whole Faith
back at your tables individually and privately
Back at your tables, individually and privately
  • Where are you whole individually, and where are you not?
  • Husbands, what are the marks of wholeness you consider important in a wife?
  • Wives, what are the marks of wholeness you consider important is a husband?
wives think about these characteristics of wholeness mostly from proverbs
Wives, think about these characteristics of “wholeness” (mostly from Proverbs)

1. Respects and Seeks after God

Prov 31:30; compared to a wife who does not: 5:6

2. Is Wise 14:1; 31:26; compared to an unwise wife 9:13;11:22

3. Honors her husband 12:4;31:11-12

compared to one who does not 12:4;19:13

4. Is gracious 11:6

compared to one who is ungracious 21:9;21:19

5. Faithful to her husband 31:10-13;31:3

6. Takes care of her home and her family, conducts business and works hard and diligently. See all of Prov 31

7. Loves her own husband Titus 2:4

8. Is apartnerGen 2:18

husbands think about these characteristics of wholeness mostly from proverbs
1. Kind and Compassionate 12:10

Eph 4:32; Col 3:13

2. A Servant and loves his wife sacrificially Ephesians 5:25

3. Hard-working 12:11;27:23-27

4. Truthful 12:17,19;29:24

5. Exercises Self Control 12:15;16:32

6. Gentle Tongue 12:18;15:14;

James 3

7. Generous 14:21;28:27

8. Willing to be corrected and listens 12:15;15:12,31-32;28:13;29:1

9. Man of integrity 19:1;20:7

10. Faithful and reliable 17:17;29:3

11. Forgiving 19:11

12. Willing to Admit he is wrong 28:13

13. Humble 15:25,33;16:18-19; 18:12

14. Not contentious, peacemaker 17:1;18:1,19

15. Has control of his temper 14:29;16:32;17:27;29:11

16. Avoids Excesses 20:1;23:20-21,29-35

17. Concerned for others, especially the poor and repressed 29:7

18. Fears God and is obedient 13:13;14:26;16:20;28:25;32:30

19. Not jealous 27:4

20. Has a positive outlook on life 15:15;17:22;18:14

Husbands, think about these characteristics of “wholeness” mostly from Proverbs
10 road signs of wholeness in your marriage
10 Road Signs of “Wholeness” in your marriage

1. You are a horizontal couple, integrating the vertical silos of your lives into the marriage, i.e., work, home, finances, parents, children…with unity and joint agreements…

2. You increasingly understand God’s plan and purpose for your marriage, take dead aim at it with energy, and KEEP THE MAIN THING THE MAIN THING as you write your life and legacy, page by page. Colossians 3: 8-10; 12-14; Jeremiah 29:11-12

3. You are more and more stable in your faith, walk and ways. Eph 4:12-16

4. You are better day after day at being still and quiet, worshipping, praying and having an attitude of gentleness, honor and forgiveness towards each other. Psalm 4:4-5; 46:10; 1 Peter 3:7; Col 3:16

5. You increasingly understand and appreciate the difference between legalism, liberty and responsibility. 1 Cor 8; Romans 14

10 road signs of wholeness in your marriage1
10 Road Signs of “wholeness” in your marriage

6. You look for God’s hand in your marriage--past and future, and seek His face more and more. You accept His provision of your spouse, and re-commit to each other everyday. Nehemiah 1; 2 Chronicles 7:14; Proverbs 3:5-8

7. You more and more as a couple realize you don’t have the whole story, don’t know everything, don’t have, or have to have, a ready solution to every problem, and rely on each other, and the Lord for help through prayer, and work as a team. 1 Cor 13:9-13

8. You are as a couple becoming more and more interested in wisdom from above rather than hanging onto every piece of wisdom from the world. You are more and more interested in serving others outside yourselves. James 3:13-17

9. You are increasingly concerned with what you are full of---self (pigitis), substances, or the Spirit of God. Eph 5:15-21; Eph 4: 17-31; Gal 5:25

10. The two of you have a more and more accurate view of yourself and each other as a sinner saved by grace through faith, as well as recognizing the need for continual confession and repentance. You have a better and better understanding of what the Lord desires of you, how much God loves you through Christ. Psalm 51; 1 John 1:9

i know i need wholeness and a meaningful life but you just don t understand
I know I need WHOLENESS and a meaningful life, but you just don’t understand….
  • I have a messy past,
  • I have an unmotivated, unfulfilled, uninspired,

oversubscribed, no margin present,

  • And , I have an unfocused, unorganized and

fuzzy future…….

How can we get started toward whole life


looking back at your life the past
Looking back at your life- the past
  • Acknowledge the facts--it is what it is--/ know yourself/consciously turn
  • Forgiveness of self and others
  • Thankfulness for what was good
  • Process your good and bad experiences-what does that mean to me now? How am I acting-out?
  • Squeeze every principle and lesson out of your experiences
  • How was the hand of God on you then to shape you for now?
  • Get help to process/grieve/untangle those past issues that are weighing you down from running, and sapping your strength-want and need to throw off every encumbrance
  • Know our mate’s past wounds, weaknesses, deep needs, and recommit to doing all you can to making them whole-BUILD-UP
  • Plan for wholeness…. “I was” to “I am” to “I canbe”
  • Totally trust/lean on Him for recovery and wholeness.
  • Don’t rob tomorrow by continually making payments to the past.
and how about right now are there some concrete steps you can take for conditioning
….and, how about right now? Are there some concrete steps you can take for conditioning?
  • Refresh your convictions/beliefs/examine yourself = reclaim an ‘all in’ attitude in your faith and marriage
  • Join the Rec Center = come to Christ-Eph 2:8&9; claim your covenant relationship with your spouse
  • Throw-off encumbrances and unnecessary weights = use your time on fewer, more important things, repent of sin = seek forgiveness. Build margin in your schedule and in your emotions.
  • Restock your shelves = Bible study/small groups = express your love and respect to one another. Rediscover dignity in your marriage with graceful, thankful speech.
  • Inventory your temptations = clean your house
  • Strengthen your relationships = fresh recommitment to your mate, family, small group
  • Choose your friends and distance form others; and remember, good fences with gates make good friends and family.
  • Worship your God = service/prayer
  • Depend upon Him hourly for the results
how about tomorrow especially as a couple
How about tomorrow, especially as a couple?
  • Wait---I already told you, I have an unfocused, unorganized and fuzzy future…….
  • Sharpenyour mission-do you know what you want your marriage to be and look like in 2 years? 5 years? Do you claim Jeremiah 29:11
  • Review your intake- the Word, prayer, TV, language, movies, poor choices of friends
  • Create/Review your own priorities as a couple
  • Allocateyour scarce resources against these priorities--make choices
  • Scrape-away and throw-off the irrelevant and draining weights—build margin into your life
  • TAKE DEAD AIM – are you adrift, or do you have purpose and direction?Do you want it badly enough?
  • Make grace, dignity, forgiveness and mercy a staple
  • Are you prepared to Build-up each other?
between now and when rsm meets again on jan 9th
Between now and when RSM meets again on Jan 9th

Share your lists…..couple, husband, wife marks of wholeness

Pick a few wholeness areas that seem the most important to you as a person and as a couple and get to work.

Read the article Brian will post this week along with the lesson.

Have a fabulous Christmas and New Year 2011