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Genderalizations How to Best Ask for and Receive Support from the Opposite Sex
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMgu7cBJ9Yw • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2VRhVoghoME&feature=related (part 1)
Man & Woman Need Each Other • “Man is born to meet woman and woman is born to meet man. And man and woman together are born to combine with a higher level of love, God's love. Neither man nor woman can touch God's higher love by themselves.” Father • One benefit of marriage is the “distinctive honesty, realism, and wisdom taught by each sex to the other.” Michael Novak
How Well Do You Know Male & Female Differences? True or False? • Men have a better sense of direction • Women have a better memory for details • Men talk more than women in a mixed crowd • Women can better pack many things into a van • Men can find things better in the fridge • Women rate their marriages higher than their husbands Men’s arms are straighter Women have 20% more red blood cells The two sides of female brains are more interconnected Men have stronger immune systems Women can read others’ emotions better Men’s brains are 90% active when resting vs. women’s 30%
Which Are Top Love Needs for Women? For Men? • Trust & Autonomy • Connection • Affection & Specialness • Sexual Satisfaction • Support at Home • Acceptance & Appreciation • Conversation • Respect • Security • Shared Recreation • Understanding • Peace at Home
Among Top Female Needs 1. Connection 2. Affection 3. Honesty & Openness 4. Shared Conversation 5. Security 6. Support at Home Related fears: • Disconnection • Isolation • Threat • Being overwhelmed
Among Top Male Needs 1.Respect 2. Acceptance & Appreciation 3. Shared Recreation 4. Sexual Satisfaction 5. Peace at Home 6. Trust & Autonomy Related fears: • Shame • Incompetence • Failure to protect and provide
Loving the Opposite Sex May Mean Giving What You Wouldn’t Want Men and women react to stress differently • So they cope and desire support in almost opposite ways • They offer support in the way they like to receive it • The Golden Rule: Give what you would want to receive • The Platinum Rule: Give what the other needs even if you can’t understand it
How Women Like to Receive & Give Support Female stress response: Tend & Befriend 1. Women prefer to talk about a distressing situation • Explore their thoughts and feelings • Connect with others by sharing problems • So she thinks that her man needs to talk when upset 2. Women like to gather ideas from others to solve problems • So she offers her suggestion freely when she sees he has a problem
How Men Like to Receive & Give Support 1 Men’s stress response: Fight or Flight 1. Men like to take action and fixproblems • Only mentioningproblems when they want help • So he offerssolutions when she shares somedistress 2. When ready, men tend to tackle problems by themselves • They mull over it, talking only to gather needed information and then later to report the outcome • So he wants to give her space to be alone when she is troubled
How Men Like to Receive & Give Support 2 Men’s stress response: Fight or Flight 3. Men often like to retreat from a problem to attack it later • Relieve stress through distractions • So he tells his woman to think of something else when upset 4. Men also tend to conserve energy, and focus only on what is most important • So he reassures her that her concern is not important enough for her to feel so stressed
What Does He Need? • Taka had a big job interview today. Merly had texted him her best wishes at midday and he had thanked her. She had heard nothing more. Now she hears him come home and slip past her into the bedroom. “How did it go?,” she asks him. “Not so good,” he answers, glued to his computer.
Rules for Giving Support to a Man 1. Give him permission not to talk about it • Don’t push him to talk • Let him know you are available when he wants to 2. Ask, “What do you think,” not “How do you feel?” • He either may not know his feelings, or it may not seem helpful to explore them 3. Avoid pointing out his mistake or failure • He likely knows it very well 4. Express trust in his ability: “I believe in you” • Don’t offer suggestions unless he asks
Rules for Men Receiving Support • If you need time alone or to distract yourself, remind your woman that it is temporary • Share something of your thoughts and feelings so your wife feels emotionally connected • If you have made a mistake, apologize
What Does She Need? • Merly had a big job interview today. Taka had been tied up at work all day and comes home to find her quietly making dinner. “How did it go?,” he asks him. “Not so good,” she answers, chopping vegetables and not looking at him.
Rules for Giving Support to a Woman 1 1. Invite her to talk, so she can feel better • She needs to feel you understand her 2. Listen with all of your attention • Turn from other activities and look at her • Offer signs of listening and encouragement to talk 3. Don’t expect to necessarily follow her logic • She may just be releasing stress in many areas of her life at once
Rules for Giving Support to a Woman 2 4. Don’t “fix” her negative feelings • Don’t tell her not to feel the way she does 5. Offer physical affection • Hold her hand, or give her a hug 6. Serve her with many small, thoughtful gestures • Helps her feel less overwhelmed
Rules for Woman Receiving Support • Remind your man that he is not to blame for all that feels difficult in your life at the moment • Tell him if he is not expected to fix your problems • Express appreciation for his listening, and how it helps you
How Men & Women Are Different Regarding Asking for Help 1.Women like to receive offers of support • They actively anticipate others’ needs and try to meet those needs without being asked • So she assumes he would see her need and help • She delays asking for help until she is resentful and then she sounds critical 2. Men like to be self-sufficient • Asking for support can seem weak or incompetent • Unsolicited advice looks the same • So he may not offer her support unless asked
Rules for Asking Men for Support 1. Make your request clear and simple • No need for long reasons and justifications 2. Use “would you” and “will you” • Avoid “could you” and “can you,” which question ability 3. Ask him to do “projects” • He prefers specific tasks with a clear goal and ending • That can be done independently, rather than constantly consulting you
Rules for Asking Men for Support 4. Express appreciation if he says yes • If he does not follow through, assume it slipped his mind and remind him once 5. If he says no, accept it graciously • He can easily hear requests as demands • Don’t express disappointment right then so it looks like you are trying to control him through guilt
Rules for Asking Women for Support 1. Ask clearly and briefly 2. If she says no, she is feeling overwhelmed • She is likely to say yes even when feeling burdened 3. Offer an exchange of support • “Would you please do ____ and is there something I could do in return to help you out?” 4. Express appreciation and love
Discussion: What Applies to Us? 1. What “rules” for your gender seemed to apply to you? Share this with each other. 2. Has your mate given support in a way that you appreciated? Tell them.