Interpersonal Skills

1. Interpersonal Skills Assertion Assertive People are Reasonable and Direct

2. Preview • This chapter will take a step by step process to explore, identify, understand, learn, and apply and model three emotional intelligence (EI) skills: • Assertion • Anger Management • Anxiety Management

3. Assertion • Defined-the ability to clearly and honestly communicate your thoughts and feelings to others in a straightforwardness and direct manner. • Key Notes • respect the rights of others • express your thoughts and feelings • be constructive with your comments • treat others as you want to be treated

4. Understanding • Three ways to respond (communication continuum): • deference-response is hurtful to you, and the person never understands your true thoughts or feelings • assertion-skill area; communication skill is essential to communicate, especially under most stressful situations • aggression-response is hurtful to the party you are communicating to

5. Learning • Three parts to an assertive message: • try to use the first-person singular pronoun; I • makes the message genuine • describes the event or situation that is connected to the thought or feeling • informs the person receiving the message what you are addressing • tells the person what you want to happen versus the current situation • don’t leave it open to interpretation • Remember it is okay to, “agree to disagree”

6. Learning (cont’d) • When the pressure and stress increase and a situation is vital to you, communication is more difficult • therefore, the level of skill required to communicate is higher • Learning to skillfully deal with the following emotionally intelligent behaviors will allow you to fully develop the EI skill of assertion: • cognitive focus: learning how and when to say what you really think and feel • emotional focus: learning how to feel better when communicating with others • action focus: choosing how you communicate when under stress

7. Apply and Model • Wisdom unites knowledge and behavior, and assertion is a key skill • Being able to communicate assertively may take some work and practice, because this may be a new way for you to interact with others

8. Aggression and Deference • It is imperative to manage your strong negative emotions; anger, fear, etc. • Being angry is easy, nevertheless keeping that anger in control (right person, right degree, right time, right purpose, and right way) is challenging • Knowing certain circumstances that could make you vulnerable to managing negative emotions is vital

9. Reflective Thinking and Emotional Expression • Our initial reaction (quick responses) to an event may make a response negative • Essential to be thoughtful and skilled with your response • There is a series of interrelated sequences to an emotional experience: • the perception of an event • the automatic interpretation of the event • the interpretation of your response, and • the specific emotional outcomes of anger, fear, sadness, or joy

10. Anger Management • Defined-the ability to express anger constructively in relationships to Self and other. • Key Notes • aggression violates, overpowers, dominates, or discredits another person • aggression negatively affects relationships

11. Understanding • Anger is a normal human emotion, and everyone experiences it • Proper identification of the anger is fundamental before you can constructively express the emotion • Not controlling you anger will shorten your life and damages its quality, and damage relationships • Exercising a choice over how you want to express anger, your life will improve and benefits will be recognized both psychologically and physically

12. Learning • Learning to control and express anger is one of the most important skills you can learn and practice in your daily life • Identifying emotions accurately is the first step in controlling anger • To do so, you must differentiate between a thought, a feeling, and a behavior • frustrations and jealousy are thoughts • psychological abuse and violence are behaviors • anger is the emotion

13. Learning (cont’d) • Three intense emotions cause problems (past, present, and future): • anguish-called sadness or depression and comes from emotional thoughts of the past • anger-occurs in he present and stems from the thoughts of what is or isn’t happening • fear-is called anxiety, tension, worry, and confusion and its origin is from worrying about what bad things can happen in the future • Remember, without proper thought, each angry thing you do or say can increase and escalate the anger to rage

14. Apply and Model • It can become impossible to think or act productively if the anger we are feeling becomes extremely high or too intense • We can become part of the anger, at which time one angry behavior leads to another • Make yourself take a self imposed “Time-Out” • Provide yourself with time and permission to reflect with the problem • BE PATIENT AND PRACTICE

15. Anxiety Management • Defined-is the ability to manage self-imposed anxiety (fear) and effectively communicate with others • Deference is the degree to which and individual employs a communication style that is indirect, self-inhibiting, self-denying, and ineffectual for the accurate expression of thoughts, feelings, or behaviors • Reasons why people act non-assertively: • confusing firm assertion with aggression • confusing deference with politeness • mistaking deference for being helpful • failing to accept personal rights • having a deficit in skills

16. Understanding • Being assertive versus deferent with your communication style will improve your self-esteem, relationships, and stress mgt • People who use deference are kind and polite people who have sensitivity (empathy) to others • Staying true to your own feelings and thoughts and maintaining your sensitivity are by-products of communicating with assertiveness

17. Apply and Model • A few methods to help you: • dealing with my fear of making an oral presentation and asking for help in preparing for it • coming to grips with my uncertainty about a major and scheduling time for career counseling • exploring my negative feelings about the class and deciding to withdraw rather than settling for a mediocre grade • developing my computer skills at the university lab instead of remaining confused about how to do an internet search • confronting my uptight exam behavior and attending a skills training seminar on managing test anxiety • think about other topics that may help you develop the assertive skill

18. When Emotions are Negative • The primary human emotions are: • anger-helps us fight • fear-helps us flee • sadness-helps you let go or disengage • happiness-helps us engage and enjoy the present • Remember emotions are only negative when their intensity and duration cause damage to our or another person’s life!

19. Learning Activity Reflect on a time when you were aggressive and defensive. What was the situation? How did you handle the situation? What was your communication style during the situation?