CHILDREN EXPOSED TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

1. CHILDREN EXPOSED TODOMESTIC VIOLENCE

3. Dear Dad, It makes me sad and angry when you make mom cry.  You should learn not to hurt others.  I am angry that you are fighting.  You and mom both want me on your side and that is hard.  Dad, please don’t try and make mom nervous.  She looks scared when you fight.  I miss you.  I miss doing fun things with you.  Sometimes I don’t know how I feel.  Sometimes I am really mad and I want to hurt someone.  A lot of times my feelings are hurt. I think I am not lucky at all.  I was lucky when I had a house with you and mom.  It is not lucky to have to move away from your house and keep moving from place to place and to have to move your stuff all the time.  Lucky is when you have your own house with your mom and dad there. Love, Your Kid Written in 2007 by participants in the Children’s Support Group of the CAP Services Family Crisis Center Waupaca County Outreach Office , Waupaca, Wisconsin

4. Characteristics of Batterers as Parents • Authoritarian • Irresponsible, neglectful and/or underinvolved • Self centered The Batterer as Parent, Lundy Bancroft, Chapter 2

5. Characteristics of Batterers as Parents • Manipulative • Undermining of the mother • Ability to perform well under observation

6. 5 Ways an Abuser’s Behavior Affects Family Relationships Exposes children to abuse. Undermines and interferes with his partner’s parenting. Damages his partner’s relationship with her children. Uses children to perpetuate abuse. Creates a household climate dominated by domestic violence. Based on The Batterer as Parent, Lundy Bancroft, Chapter 3

7. Some Ways Domestic Violence Can Harm Mother - Child Relationships • Abuse diminishes a mother’s ability to parent well. • Mothers may demand that children alter their behavior in order to avoid antagonizing the abuser. • Mothers may use safety and protection strategies that are no fun for their children or that look like poor parenting to the outside world.

8. Some Ways Domestic Violence Can Harm Mother - Child Relationships • Children can become parentified, taking care of the mother and other children. • The abuser’s dominance prevents a mother from parenting as she chooses or negotiating parenting with him.

9. Risks to Children When Mothers Leave Abusers • The risk of assault to mothers and children, including homicide, increases when victims leave partners and remains elevated for two years. • Relationships with a family’s support network are strained or severed. • Children suffer from the economic impact of separation. • The majority of separated abusers are granted unsupervised visitation

10. POWER AND CONTROL WHEEL

11. OVERLAP OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND CHILD ABUSE Studies have found the rate of physical child abuse in families experiencing domestic abuse to be anywhere from 25-70%. 40-60% of men who abuse women also abuse children.

12. HOW CHILDREN ARE EXPOSED: • Witnessing, overhearing, caught in the middle • Seeing mother degraded and demeaned • Living in a household dominated by tension and fear

13. HOW CHILDREN ARE EXPOSED • Being raised by parents whose ability to nurture is compromised by domestic violence • Being used and manipulated by the abuser to hurt the battered parent • Suffering the consequences of economic abuse

14. EFFECTS CAN INCLUDE: • Believing the abuse is their fault • Turning against one or both parents • Being afraid to talk about the abuse or express their feelings

15. EFFECTS CAN INCLUDE: • Negative core beliefs about themselves and others • Unhealthy coping and survival reactions, such as mental health or behavior problems • Isolation from people who might offer help

16. CHILDREN LEARN: • Violence and coercion are normal, justifiable and effective. • There are two ways to solve problems: aggression and passivity. • Victims are responsible for what happens to them.

17. CHILDREN LEARN: • It’s OK to blame problems on someone else. • People who hurt others don’t face consequences for their actions. • Women are not worthy of respect.

18. SOME EXTERNALIZED SYMPTOMS • Aggression • Lower social competence, including less empathy with others • Lower verbal, cognitive and motor abilities • Restlessness, impulsivity and difficulty concentrating • Behavioral and academic difficulties in school • Immaturity, delays in development and regression to earlier developmental stages

19. SOME INTERNALIZED SYMPTOMS • Depression, anxiety and hyper-vigilance • Fearful, withdrawn and inhibited behavior • Lower self esteem • Shame and feeling responsible for the abuse • Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

20. Infants and Toddlers • Attachment formation: Need consistent, attentive parenting to bond. • Trauma exposure interferes with critical brain development. • Vulnerable to injury: while being held from ill informed or indifferent caretaker • Care requirements may anger abuser or overwhelm victim.

21. Preschoolers • Egocentric: Blame themselves for abuse. • Immature cognitive abilities: Easily distressed Fearful Vulnerable to unpredictability in their environment • Beginning to learn and imitate adult behavior. • Exposure to trauma may inhibit building skills for independence.

22. School Age Children • As their thinking becomes increasingly complex, DV distorts their world view. • Increasing anger or ambivalence towards parents • Identification with same sex parent • Learn gender roles influenced by DV • DV compromises school performance and behavior. • DV affects social behavior and self concept.

23. Adolescents • DV-influences developing skills for autonomy and critical thinking. • May use high risk behaviors to avoid home life. • DV further stresses parent-teen relationships. • Dating behavior negatively influenced by DV. • Need for peer acceptance increases shame, secrecy and insecurity.

24. FACTORS AFFECTING RESILIENCY Risk factors: • Abuse that is recent, severe or prolonged • Exposure to domestic violence combined with child abuse • Poor parenting • Additional stressors such as poverty, community violence, parental substance abuse or mental illness and disruptions in family life.

25. FACTORS AFFECTING RESILIENCY Protective Factors: • Secure attachment to nonabusing parent or other significant adult • Supportive social network • Chance to develop critical thinking skills and challenge values of the abuser • Opportunities to experience success and to have their achievements recognized • Family access to health care, education, housing, social services and employment

26. WHAT CHILDREN AND YOUTH AFFECTED BY DOMESTIC ABUSE NEED • Safety, stability and predictability • To maintain or rebuild a strong bond with their mother • Contact with the abuser that is safe and not re-traumatizing

27. WHAT CHILDREN AND YOUTH AFFECTED BY DOMESTIC ABUSE NEED • Opportunities to process their experiences and release feelings • Opportunities to experience success and have their achievements recognized • Opportunities to learn that violence is wrong, to develop critical thinking skills, and to learn equitable, nonviolent ways to solve problems

28. WHAT CHILDREN AND YOUTH AFFECTED BY DOMESTIC ABUSE NEED • Support for their ambivalent feelings about both parents • To know that they are not alone, the abuse is not their fault, and they are not responsible for protecting others • Help developing a plan for their own safety and coordinating their plan with their mother