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Quotes. "Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction." --- Antoine de Saint-Exupery. It is with true love as it is with ghosts; everyone talks about it, but few have seen it. --- La Rochefoucauld.
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"Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction." --- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
It is with true love as it is with ghosts; everyone talks about it, but few have seen it. --- La Rochefoucauld
"When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.“ --- George Bernard Shaw
Things we shouldn’t have eaten
Having to pee
Strange ear & nose hair growth
Alvy's Voice Over: I thought of that old joke, you know, this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doc, my brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken." And, the doctor says, "why don't you turn him in?" And the guy says, “I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much how I feel about relationships. You know, they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd and...But, I guess we keep going through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs.
--- ANNIE HALL
Cecilia: i just met a wonderful new man. Sure, he's fictional but you can't have everything. ---The Purple Rose of Cairo
Ike: Well, I'm old-fashioned. I don't believe in extramarital relationships. I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics. --- Manhattan
Cliff: Wendy and I finally decided to call it quits, you know, and even though the last couple of years have been terrible, this kind of thing makes me feel sad, you know, I don't know why.
Babs: But you know what you told me? You told me it's been platonic for a year. And I say, once the sex goes, it all goes.
---Crimes and Misdemeanors
Arthur: I had dropped out of law school when i met eve. She was very beautiful. Very pale and cool in her black dress...With never anything more than a single strand of pearls. And distant. Always poised and distant.
By the time the girls were born ... It was all so perfect, so ordered. Looking back, of course, it was rigid. The truth is. .. She'd created a world around us that we existed in where everything had its place, where there was always a kind of harmony. Oh, great dignity. I will say ... It was like an ice palace.
Then suddenly, one day, out of nowhere ... An enormous abyss opened up beneath our feet. And I was staring into a face I didn't recognize.
Related to the “Mere Exposure Effect” (the more you are exposed to a stimulus, the more you will like it)
Schachter (1959) manipulated the anxiety levels of female subjects by having them anticipate either painful or innocuous shock. The dependent variable was subjects’ choice to wait withothersor to wait alone.
# of Subjects
The results indicated that anxious subjects chose to wait with othersmore than non-anxious subjects.
Also, a follow-up study found that anxious people preferred to wait with other anxious peoplerather than those who were not anxious
Choose to wait alone
Choose to wait
Attraction towardother person (range = 2-14)
Byrne and Nelson (1965) asked to rate how much they liked a stranger after learning he agreed with varying proportions of their attitudes expressed on a questionnaire. (Higher numbers indication greater liking.)
As the graph shows, the greater the proportion of attitudes subjects shared with the stranger, the more subjects liked him
.00 .20 .40 .60 .80 1.00
Proportion of similar attitudes held by other person
A) Cognitive Consistency
(We like ourselves, therefore we like those who are like us)
B) Social Comparison (validation of one's beliefs)
C) Anticipate/Predict other's behavior (e.G., Likes/dislikes,
D) They will like us also (reciprocal)
Key Dimensions Used by eHarmony
Stated goal: “eHarmony … creates compatible matches based on 29 dimensions scientifically proven to predict happier, healthier relationships”
Core Traits ---
Social Style (Character, Kindness, Dominance, Sociability, Autonomy, Adaptability): How do you relate to other people? Do you crave company, or prefer to be alone? Are you more comfortable leading, or do you prefer to go along with the group?
Cognitive Mode (Intellect, Curiosity, Humor, Artistic Passion) How do you think about the world around you? Are you motivated by an insatiable curiosity about the world and events around you? Are you constantly looking for intellectual challenges? Do you find humor to be your favorite coping strategy when dealing with the world?
Physicality (Energy – Physical, Passion – Sexual, Vitality & Security, Industry, Appearance). How do you relate physically with the world? How do you relate physically with yourself? Are you energetic, athletic and constantly in motion? Or are you more comfortable and happy walking than running?
Relationship Skills (Communication Style, Emotion Management – Anger, Emotion Management – Mood, Conflict Resolution) The amount of effort and skill that you devote to making a relationship work are key elements of who you are, and what type of person you are most likely to succeed with in a relationship
Values and Beliefs (Spirituality, Family Goals, Traditionalism, Ambition, Altruism). Values and Beliefs are at the center of most of our life experiences. How we feel about spirituality, religion, family and even politics for a enormous part of how we think about the world, and who we are going to be most comfortable sharing our lives with.
Key Experiences (Family Background, Family Status, Education) All of your life experiences combine to affect who you are and how you relate to the world. Although many of the effects of these experiences are represented by the other Core Traits and Learned Attributes, the following components of the 29 Dimensions are considered separately as part of your Key Experiences in your compatibility profile
Basic premise: Differences are disliked; perceived as threatening
Iowa Caucus Study (Democratic)
Description of person
No party affiliation
D S S D D
D D D S S D
D D S D D D
S D D S D
Reject those who are dissimilar
S S S S
S S S
End result is that we are left with similar people to interact with
The motivational value of dissimilarity is various other theories in social psychology:
Naturally discovering similarity/dissimilarity (rather than being given other’s attitudes is quite different
Active search process
Misattribution of Emotional Arousal
Measures: 1) TAT (men wrote stories) scored for sexual content
2) % of men who called female back
Higher TAT sexual content scores scores and greater percent called back when on the dangerous bridge
Why??? --- Arousal (anxiety) misattributed as partly due to sexual attraction
Equal intake of candy by males and females
Self-Presentation Through Ingratiation
Intimate Friend (versus Casual Friend)
Often different in physical attraction
Length of relationship
Couple is equal in physical attraction
Impression of man
Viewed female as promiscuous; were attracted to the female; saw themselves as flirtatious and seductive
Viewed males as behaving in a sexual manner; females as promiscuous
The life cycle of a relationship
Important variables influencing attraction
Triggering factors: Proximity, Similarity, Erotic love etc…
Social-exchange and equity: Communication, Self-disclosure, Communal concern, External supports
Social-exchange and equity/inequity: Relative attractiveness of alternatives, Barriers to dissolution
Low: Relationship in stable state
High: Upset of deterioration and trauma of disruption
High: Heady feeling of romantic love
Loss of freedom, $, time, etc.
Companionship, sexual fulfillment, etc.
Other person in a relationship, yourself in the past, an ideal
Evaluation of the value of other partners
Personality traits (e.g., sincerity)
U.S. totals for the number of divorces is an estimate which includes states not reporting (California, Colorado, Indiana, and Louisiana).
Source: U.S. Census Bureau, Statistical Abstract of the United States: 2006.
Key role of wife’s attributions: 1) negative attribution for spouse behavior, 2) negative behavior toward spouse, 3) her behavior impacts her assessment of relationship satisfaction, 4) husband’s behavior affected by wife’s behavior
Wives’s attributions may be the barometers of marital satisfaction. Their attributions may influence their marital satisfaction across time, whereas husbands’ attributions only reflect their marital satisfaction
Separate constructs or along a continuum?
When I am with _____, we are almost always in the same mood.
I think that _____ is unusually well-adjusted.
I would highly recommend _____ for a responsible job.
In my opinion, _____ is an exceptionally mature person.
I have great confidence in _____’s good judgment.
I think that _____ is someone one of those people who quickly win your respect.
_____ is one of the most likeable people I know.
_____ is the sort of person whom I myself would like to be.
I would vote for _____ in a class or group election.
I would do anything for _____.
I feel responsible for _____’s well being.
I feel very possessive toward _____.
If I could never be with _____, I would feel miserable.
If I were lonely, my first thought would be to seek _____ out.
I would forgive _____ for practically anything.
In would greatly enjoy being confided in by _____.
When I am with _____, I spend a good deal of my time just looking at him/her.
I would be hard for me to get along without _____.
Love for Partner 89.5 89.3
Liking for Partner 88.784.6
Love for Friend 65.355.1
Liking for Friend 80.5 79.1
Thoughts about interpersonal interactions
Evaluation of interaction as good, average, poor
Narratives/stories about relationships
Health & Longevity
% Monet spent
% Monet spent
Go to apartment
Go on a date
“No man or woman really knows what love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.” --- Mark Twain
Years of marriage
(Intimacy & Commitment)
(Intimacy & Passion)
(Passion & Commitment)
˜ Intimacy Component ˜
I am actively supportive of _____'s wellbeing.____
I have a warm relationship with _____.
I am able to count on _____ in times of need.
˜ Passion Component ˜
Just seeing ________ excites me.
I find myself thinking about _____ frequently during the day.____
My relationship with ___________ is very romantic.
˜ Commitment Component ˜
I know that I care about _____.
I am committed to maintaining my relationship with _____.
Because of my commitment to ________, I would not let other people come between us.