developing and enriching intimate relationships
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Developing and Enriching Intimate Relationships. Obstacles to Love. Low Self-Esteem If I can’t love me then how can I trust another who says that they love me. (Cycle) Extensive Giving and Addiction Better stated as “giving up your individuality” Society focuses on obsessive and violent love.

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obstacles to love
Obstacles to Love
  • Low Self-Esteem
    • If I can’t love me then how can I trust another who says that they love me. (Cycle)
  • Extensive Giving and Addiction
    • Better stated as “giving up your individuality”
    • Society focuses on obsessive and violent love
slide3
Love
  • “Liking with great emotional intensity
  • Falling in Love
    • Heightened physical arousal
    • Increased emotionality
    • Frequent thoughts of the loved one
  • Love Grows or Fall in Love
romantic attachment individual differences
Romantic Attachment: Individual Differences
  • Attachment Styles
    • Secure 54% (comfortable with intimacy & interdependence)
    • Avoidant 25% (dislike dependency and closeness)
    • Anxious/Ambivalent 19% (clingy & possessive, seeking assurance from partner)
  • Bartholomew’s Four Categories of Attachment Style
    • Secure
    • Preoccupied (I want complete intimacy but I feel that others are reluctant to get as close to me)
    • Fearful (I am uncomfortable getting close to others. I want to get close but I find it difficult to trust or depend on them)
    • Dismissing (I am comfortable without close emotional relationships but prefers not to depend on others)
outcomes of attachment styles
Outcomes of Attachment Styles
  • Secure- report greatest enjoyment, intimacy , and positive emotions, higher levels of disclosure & relational problem solving
  • Anxious/Ambivalent- more changeable emotionally
  • Avoidant- lower levels of positive emotions and appear to structure social activities in a way that minimizes closeness
        • (Tidwell et al. 1996)
  • Secure and Insecure show comparable overall degrees of security
three general theories of love
Three General Theories of Love
  • Evolutionary Psychological Theory of Love
    • Primitive Emotional Bonding to Promote Race
    • Buss (1988) Love Acts
  • Social Structural and Social Learning Theory
    • Love is Learned from Observation and Socialization
  • Self Expansion Theory
    • Premise: We seek to grow and expand self through the incorporation of people, experiences, and possessions into one’s conception of self
    • Idea is to become united with universe not self aggrandize.
theories of love ii
Theories of Love II
  • Consider the Following Using the 3 General Theories
    • Passionate Love
    • Companionate Love
    • Prototypical Approach
      • Considers the most representative features of love
        • Caring, friendship, honesty, trust, and respect
        • Sex, passion, novelty
love schema
Love Schema
  • Mental model consisting of expectations and attitudes about love.
  • Six Love Schemas
    • Secure- closeness and independence
    • Clingy- high level of closeness
    • Skittish- uneasy with closeness
    • Fickle- never satisfied with present relationship
    • Casual- enjoys relationships without committing
    • Uninterested- not interested in any relationship
history of love
History of Love
  • Four Dimensions of Attitudes about Love
    • Cultural Value: Is love a desirable state?
    • Sexuality: Should love be sexual or unsexual?
    • Sexual Orientation: Should love involve homosexual or heterosexual partners?
    • Marital Status: Should we love our spouses or is love reserved for others?
  • Historical Views of Love
    • Love is madness
    • Love has little to do with marriage
    • Love need not involve sexual contact
    • Love is a noble quest
    • Love is doomed
    • Love can be happy and fulfilling
    • Love and marriage go together.
types of love
Types of Love
  • Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love
    • Intimacy- feelings of warmth, support and sharing
    • Passion- physical arousal and desire
    • Commitment- decision to devote oneself to a relationship
romantic passionate love
Romantic, Passionate Love
  • “I love you, but I’m not in love with you”
  • According to Berscheid, Passion is Rooted in:
    • 1) physiological arousal
    • 2) the belief that another person is the cause of the arousal
    • Misattributions (excitation transfer)
      • Laughter
      • Fear
      • Exercise
romantic passionate love12
Romantic, Passionate Love
  • Thoughts
    • The more you love the more you will think about them (reverse)
    • Romance blinds to undesirable traits
    • Thoughts about ourselves change when we are in love
    • Romantic lovers state that they would do anything for their partner and that they would be miserable without them.
love and age
Love and Age
  • People married for five years were less romantic than high school seniors
  • People who had been married for 20 years or more were the most romantic of all.
  • Link between romance and age is a wide and shallow mouthed U.
companionate love
Companionate Love
  • Two major types of love that occur in American marriages
    • Love full of passion that leads people to marry
    • Love that’s full of friendship that underlies marriages that last.
styles of loving
Styles of Loving
  • Eros- Erotic lover focuses on physical appearance
  • Ludus- Playful in love and likes to play the field
  • Storge- Slow developing attachments with commitment
  • Mania- Demanding and possessive, has a feeling of being out of control
  • Agape- Altruistic, loving without concern for receiving anything in return
  • Pragma- searches for a person with proper vital statistics
  • Men higher on ludus whereas women are more storgic and pragmatic
ingredients of love needs from love
Ingredients of Love: Needs from Love
  • Carlton Paine’s Ingredients of Love
    • Trust (honesty and dependability)
    • Affection (fondness for each other)
    • Respect (admiration and regard)
  • Fulfillment of Love Needs
    • Important to Match in Beginning
      • Communicate needs openly
      • Observe your partner with others
      • Be willing to make changes in self
      • Don’t assume the person will change in marriage
love behaviors
Love Behaviors
  • “She loves me because she will do anything I want”
  • “If you love me you would know what I want”
  • Autonomy/Independence
  • Closeness
  • Forgiveness
  • Honesty
  • Respect
  • Others?
love and sex
Love and Sex
  • More similarity than differences between sexes
  • Women tend to experience stronger emotions than men do; on average, women’s emotions are more intense and more volatile.
  • Studies rarely find differences in romantic love between the sexes.
  • More men believe in love at first sight and that if you just love someone enough nothing else matters.
  • Women are more cautious about love, more selective and passion develops more slowly
does love last
Does Love Last
  •  Prototypical North American Marriage
    • Romantic love with pledge of entire life
  • Romantic love decreases after people marry
  • Why doesn’t it last?
    • Fantasy- love is blind
    • Novelty- excitement
    • Arousal- fades or habituates
  • INTIMACY IS MORE STABLE THAN PASSION
  • COMPANIONATE LOVE IS MORE STABLE THAN ROMANTIC LOVE
intimacy
Intimacy
  • Intimacy- “emotional closeness”: to really know another
  • Key Elements (Sternberg, 1987)
    • Promote each others welfare
    • Experience happiness together
    • Holding each other in high regard
    • Counting on each other in times of need
    • Mutual understanding
    • Sharing of self and possessions
    • Receiving emotional support
    • Giving emotional support
    • Communicating intimately
    • Valuing each other
intimacy development
Intimacy Development
  • Eliminate Blockers
    • Withdrawal or isolating the self (work, etc)
    • Personal Rigidity (no compromise)
    • Overt Self Righteousness (need to be right)
    • Lack of Trustworthiness
  • “We can only be intimate to the degree that we are willing to be open and vulnerable (Ornish, 1998)
intimacy development22
Intimacy Development
  • Enhancers
    • Androgynous Personalities
    • Expression of Genuine Emotions
    • Empathic and Nurturing Behaviors
    • Paying Attention to Others
    • Mutually Enjoyable Activities
    • Communication (especially deep self-disclosure)
    • Commitment
enriching a relationship
Enriching a Relationship
  • Compliment not Criticize (5:1 ratio)
  • Be curious
  • Be honest (no secrets)
  • Plan together
  • Be spontaneous
  • Develop traditions
  • Talk about individual and shared interests
enriching a relationship24
Enriching a Relationship
  • Spend Time Together
  • Be Appreciative
  • Five Positives to Every One Criticism
  • Communicate (honesty & curiosity)
  • Demonstrate Affection
  • Be Spontaneous
  • Develop Rituals
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