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Transforming the Story of I and We. Experiencing the Grace-filled Power of Presence and Curiosity. Ralph and Marie. How and what Ralph learned about the grace-filled power of presence and curiosity. Create a real-time experience. Ralph. Marie. Married - 22 years

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Transforming the Story of I and We

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Transforming the story of i and we

Transforming

the Story of I and We

Experiencing the Grace-filled Power of Presence and Curiosity


Transforming the story of i and we

Ralph and Marie

How and what Ralph learned about the grace-filled power of presence and curiosity

Create a real-time experience


Transforming the story of i and we

Ralph

Marie

Married - 22 years

19 and 17 year old children

1 Terrier named Hercules


Transforming the story of i and we

Their Engagement

Engage - ment –

engage – attract attention; show opportunity of

- ment - the act or process

Engagement – the act or process of attracting your attention and showing you the opportunity of marrying me


Transforming the story of i and we

Internal experience is “shared” at Level 2

2 Levels of Engagement

Level 1

Level 2

Level 2


Transforming the story of i and we

Level 1

All things that are accessible by the 5 senses; human behavior including body language (external experience)

Level 2

Thoughts, feelings, emotions and physical sensations (internal experience)


Transforming the story of i and we

Internal experience is “shared” at Level 2

2 Levels of Engagement

Level 1

Level 2

Level 2


Transforming the story of i and we

Internal experience is “shared” at Level 2

At level 1, what did you do to attract your partner’s attention and show her the great opportunity she would have by marrying you?

Level 1

At level 2, what do you remember about the internal experience of your engagement?

Level 2

Level 2


Transforming the story of i and we

Internal experience is “shared” at Level 2

I and I creates WE

Level 1

I

I

Level 2

WE

Level 2


Transforming the story of i and we

Internal experience is “shared” at Level 2

I / WE

Level 1

I

I

I

Level 2

WE

Level 2


Transforming the story of i and we

Internal experience is “shared” at Level 2

WE / I

Level 1

I

I

I

Level 2

WE

Level 2


Transforming the story of i and we

Internal experience is “shared” at Level 2

WE / I

I need to reboot my relationship!

Level 1

I

I

Level 2

WE

Level 2


Transforming the story of i and we

Reboot

re – again, anew, once more

boot – improvement, remedy, advantage, benefit, good

Reboot – to benefit anew, to remedy again, to improve once more t


Transforming the story of i and we

Internal experience is “shared” at Level 2

I saw her as an individual.

I was curious about her.

I wanted to engage her interest in me.

I


Transforming the story of i and we

Do I really know the story of her life as an individual since she and I became we?

Have I shared the story of my life as an individual since she and I became we?


Transforming the story of i and we

Some of the “we-ness” stories Ralph uncovered as he begin to really become aware of himself interacting with Marie:

  • I am responsible for making her feel better when she is upset or unhappy

  • When I think/feel that she thinks/feels that I don’t pay attention to details, I think she feels I don’t care about what she tells me.


Transforming the story of i and we

In his prayers, he realized that all he had to do was what Jesus did in his relationships:

1. Saw and treated every person as an “I”, an individual with a story, while using “I” whenever He spoke

2. Expressed a profound curiosity about the individual stories He heard people tell Him; He sought to understand

3. Engaged individuals, showing each one the opportunity each would have by being in relationship with Him


Transforming the story of i and we

Transforming the Story of I and We

Internal experience is “shared” at Level 2

Experience the Grace-filled Power of Presence and Curiosity

Level 1

Level 2

Level 2


Transforming the story of i and we

The Power of Curiosity

Curiosity – from Latin “curiosus” meaning full of care

WHY


Transforming the story of i and we

When I see . . . . I think . . .

When I hear you describe . . . I think . . .

When you tell me about . . . . I imagine . .

What was that like for you?

How did you. . . . ?

Could you tell me more about . . .?


Transforming the story of i and we

Open-ended curious questions

Very helpful for understanding Marie when she used adverbs such as good, great, bad, unusual, not fun, etc. to describe what she liked or didn’t like, wanted or didn’t want


Transforming the story of i and we

A Real-time Experience of I and We

An exercise in presence and curiosity

  • 15 minutes in total for the couples’ exercise and 5 minutes of reflection together

  • Each individual will take a turn being the speaker and the listener (about 7 minutes each)

  • After the exercise is done (and if we have time), you will share your individual felt experience with another couple (pick that couple now)


Transforming the story of i and we

  • As the listener, you are asked to do three things:

  • Monitor your anxiety (level 2) while your partner is speaking

  • Be curious (avoid why). Seek to understand your partner’s experience and story

  • Be present – body and eyes


Transforming the story of i and we

  • As the speaker, you are asked to do three things:

  • Talk about a challenge or difficulty you are currently having in your life

  • Monitor your own anxiety (level 2) and be aware of any discomfort you feel if your partner behaves differently from the pattern you have known (example)

  • Stretch your openness and speak from the “I” that is your story and experience


Transforming the story of i and we

Speaker:

1. Talk about a challenge or difficulty you are currently having in your life

2. Monitor your own anxiety (level 2) and be aware of any discomfort you feel if your partner behaves differently from the pattern you have known

3. Stretch your openness and speak from the “I” that is your experience

  • Listener:

  • Monitor your anxiety (level 2) while your partner is speaking

  • Be curious (avoid why). Seek to understand your partner’s experience and story

  • Be present – body and eyes


Transforming the story of i and we

A narrated version of this Powerpoint presentation will be available on one of my websites within about 4 weeks.

If you want to access it you will need an access code and the web address

Just email me at [email protected] obtain this and I will contact you with the information when it is ready.


Transforming the story of i and we

A Few Considerations

  • You will feel awkward and uncomfortable

  • (it’s a thumb thing)

2. Your partner will feel awkward and uncomfortable (another thumb thing)

3. Be aware of the question Jesus asked so often: What do you want?


Transforming the story of i and we

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together yet not too near together;

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.


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