Interpersonal Communication

1. Interpersonal Communication

2. How important is “ Interpersonal Relationship”?

3. A little survey on the 5th March 2011 Abusive Rx :703,000 Heterosexual Rx : 210,000 Homosexual Rx : 106,000 Intercultural Rx : 59,300 Interracial Rx : 254,000 Internet Rx : 423,000 Interuniversity Rx : 9 Post-war Rx : 28,200 • Personal Rx:6,370,000 results • Family Rx : 1,180,000 • Dating Rx: 896,000 • Love Rx: 1,390,000 • Sexual Rx: 1,400,000 • Marriage Rx: 685,000 • Teen Rx : 90,100

4. Interpersonal Communication • Interpersonal communication happens when we interact with others ( Hybels and Weaver II, 2004) • Interpersonal communication is about creating and sharing meaning between persons in a relationship ( Seiler and Beall, 2008) • We cannot survive without having interpersonal communication.

5. Subcomponents of interpersonal communication: some examples • Dyadic communication • The true sabotage lies within communication with oneself, in thoughts and in words • Interview • Small group communication

6. What do we need to be good at interpersonal communication?

10. To be successful……….. • To be successful in interpersonal communication, we need emotional intelligence ( EQ) • Simply put, emotional intelligence( Goleman, 1995), is the ability to understand and get along with others.

12. EQ • Goleman (1995) identified the five 'domains' of EQ as: • Knowing your emotions. • Managing your own emotions. • Motivating yourself. • Recognising and understanding other people's emotions. • Managing relationships

13. Knowing your emotions: Self-awareness • We have to be able to deal with our emotions first before we can deal with the emotions of others. We need to have self-awareness. • Self-awareness is to be aware of our own feelings and what we are going through. We are able to stand with a little distance and examine our situation, without being overwhelmed. • Self awareness does not mean denial of our feelings etc • Self- awareness helps us to make appropriate responses in any given situation.

14. Managing own emotions • By managing own emotions we can express own emotions appropriate to the circumstances. • Managing emotions may not come easily as emotions may be seated not in our consciousness • Emotions such as anger or anxiety are difficult to manage. • Managing our emotions does not mean suppressing them or denying their presence. It is about managing them.

15. Motivating Yourself • Part of motivating yourself is setting to reach a goal and disciplining yourself to do what you have to do to achieve the goal. • A lot is to do with resisting impulses. • Other influences on motivation is positive thinking and optimism. • There are various theories related to motivation and need to form relationships.

16. Recognising and understanding other people’s emotions • Recognising and understanding other people’s emotions is important in relationships. • Pity, sympathy and empathy: which is the best in relationships?

17. Recognising and understanding other people’s emotions • Empathy is the extent to which we can sit in somebody else’s place, sees what s/he sees and taste what s/he tastes. • With empathy we can reach out and help others and it is very therapeutic for any relationship.

18. Managing Relationships • People who can manage relationships are usually positive, energetic and make other people feel positive too. • Other characteristics are : popular with people as they can “connect” and empathise, have a sense of balance, recognise their own needs and get them fulfilled etc.

19. More to help us understand ourselves and others………… • We communicate to fulfill various needs. • As motivation affects our communication, understanding motivation and needs to form relationships helps us to create better communication and more meaningful relationships. • Our motivation to stay in relationships varies and at times cannot be fully understood. • Theories can help us to understand and make sense of things (Madison, 2005; Thomas, 2005) and give us patterns of meanings (Shank, 2006).

20. Uncertainty Reduction Theory ( URT) • This theory was developed by Charles Berger and Richard Calabrese. • URT suggests that when we meet others to whom we are attracted to, our need to know them tends to make us draw inferences initially from the physical data that we observe. • The urge to reduce our certainty about those individuals motivates us to know the person/s further, i.e to communicate with them.

21. Uncertainty Reduction Theory ( URT) • So the core assumption of the theory is : when strangers meet, they seek to reduce their uncertainties about each other. • The more attracted we are to the other person , the stronger is the desire to know more about the person. • There are three ( 3) stages of initial interaction: entry phase, personal phase and the exit phase.

22. URT : The entry phase • The entry stage of relational development is characterized by the use of behavioral norms. The contents of the exchanges are often demographic and transactional. Common initial questions are: Where are you from? Or, Do you have any pets? The level of involvement will increase as the strangers move into the second stage (Berger & Calabrese, 99–100). • We also learn information that is easily observed such as physical appearance, height and skin colour. • The level of involvement will increase as the strangers move into the second stage (Berger & Calabrese, (1975 pp 99–100).

23. URT : The personal phase • The second stage, or personal phase, is when strangers begin to explore the attitudes and beliefs of the other. Typically, this stage is entered after the strangers have had several entry stage interactions. • One will probe the other for indications of their values, morals and personal issues. Emotional involvement tends to increase as disclosures are made (Berger & Calabrese, 1975, pg 100).

24. URT : The exit phase • The final stage of interactional development is the exit phase. Here, the former strangers decided if they want to continue to develop a relationship. Any plans for the future are made/decided. If there is not mutual liking, either can choose not to pursue a relationship (Berger & Calabrese, 100). • Understanding the cycle of relational development is key to studying how people seek to reduce uncertainty about others.

25. Social Exchange Theory • More likely than not, we enter into a relationship because we believe there would be benefits for us. • Example: u date someone, hoping to receive companionship, affection and love. • This theory ( SET) was formulated by John W. Thibaut and Harold H. Kelly.

26. Social Exchange Theory • Social Exchange theory explains how we feel about a relationship with another person as depending on our perceptions of: • The balance between what we put into the relationship and what we get out of it. • The kind of relationship we deserve. • The chances of having a better relationship with someone else.

27. Social Exchange Theory • A benefits is anything that it perceived to improve our self-interest; those things which brings us pleasure, satisfaction or gratification. • Prestige, economic gain ( saving money ) and fulfillment of emotional needs are all considered benefits. • Costs are any negative things or behaviours that we perceive to be not beneficial to our self interest. For example, to enter into or maintain a relationship, time, physical and emotional energy and the economic costs has to be considered.

28. Social Exchange Theory • The essence of SET is that people are motivated to enter into or maintain relationships in terms of benefits and costs. • In deciding what is fair, we develop a comparison level against which we compare the give/take ratio. This level will vary between relationships, with some being more giving and others where we get more from the relationship. • If a relationship is healthy and satisfying, there is equity or “equality between benefits and costs”.

29. Fundamental Interpersonal Relations Orientation Theory (FIRO) • Fundamental Interpersonal Relations Orientation (FIRO) is a theory of interpersonal relations, introduced by William Shutz in 1958. • This theory mainly explains the interpersonal underworld of a small group. • The theory is based on the belief that when people get together in a group, there are three main interpersonal needs they are looking to obtain – affection ,inclusion and control.

30. FIRO: The need for affection • The need for affection is the need to feel likeable or lovable. • People join groups or any services ( such as dating services) are seeking to fulfill their need for belonging and love. • According to this theory, a person who seem to be liked by many and therefore has his/her need for affection fulfilled is referred to as personal. • On the other hand, someone who has not had his/her need for affection fulfilled is referred to as underpersonal or overpersonal.

31. FIRO : The Need for Affection • Underpersonal people avoid emotional commitments or involvement with others. • Often they are hiding their true selves because they fear that others will not like them as they are. • Like other human beings, underpersonal people have a need for affection but have learned to cover it by not letting others get close to them. Why?

32. FIRO : The Need for Affection • Overpersonal people are the opposite of underpersonals. • To get their need for affection, they go to the extremes to ensure acceptance by others. • They seek approval by being extremely intimate in what they communicate. • These individuals can be possessive or jealous when others talk to their friends or partners.

33. FIRO : The Need for Affection • Personal people are the “balanced” persons; tend to be poise, confident, mature and able to deal with almost everyone with whom they are in contact with. • Personal people are well liked but do not consider being liked by everyone as the essential ingredient for their happiness • Other characteristics: easy to talk with and at ease with themselves.

34. FIRO : The Need for Inclusion • The need for inclusion encompass the needs to feel significant and worthwhile. • Shutz describes people for this need as social, undersocial and oversocial. • Undersocial people do not like being around with people and find communicating with people as threatening. • Undersocial people usually finds it difficult to speak out and generally avoids saying anything for fear to draw attention to themselves.

35. FIRO : The Need for Inclusion • Oversocial people is the opposite of undersocial people. • Oversocial people seem to cannot stop being involved with people and communicating with others; tend to dominate conversations, usually speak out of turn, and find it hard to keep quiet. • Oversocial people prefer situations in which they can dominate the flow of communication. Why?

36. FIRO: The Need for Control • This is the 3rd need in FIRO. • Almost all of us has the need to control others and our environment. • But, some individuals wish to be controlled by others; hence we are either abdicrats, autocrats or democrats. • Abdicrats are extremely submissive to others; have little or no self confidence, perceive themselves as incompetent, take few risks , rarely make decisions on their own and need lots of support and reinforcement in believing themselves.

37. FIRO: The Need for Control • Autocrats are always controlling. • They make decisions and voice strong opinions. • As their needs for power are strong, they do not care whom they hurt in their search for control. • They show little respect for others. • Democrats are………….

38. FIRO: The Need for Control • Democrats are people with their needs for control satisfied. • They are comfortable as either leaders or followers, no exaggeration in either the leader or follower roles, open minded and willing to accept other people’s suggestions for the good of the group. • Get things done but not at the expense of other people.

39. Relationships : Knowing you knowing me • In all relationships, whether intimate or not intimate, participants are expected to play certain roles. • Roles are sometimes clearly defined, sometimes are flexible. • Much of our success in playing the role depends on how well we communicate in that role.

40. Learning about others through face-to-face relationships

44. Beginning conversations: the importance of small talk • A “small talk” is a way to start conversation. • A ‘small talk” is a casual conversation which includes exchange of hellos, whether etc and trivia(Seiler and Beall, 2008) • A small talk is a social conversation about unimportant topics which allows people to maintain contact without making a deep commitment (Hybels and Weaver II, 2004). • There are many ways of doing small talks and sholars

45. The importance of small talk • Some people think that small talk is a waste of time, but being able to connect with others through small talk can lead to big things ( Debra Fine in The Fine Art of Small Talk) • “Every conversation is an opportunity for success” ( Debra Fine) • Many people do not realise the importance of the relationship in small talk, forget about the context and the non-verbal clues.

46. Tips for beginning conversations • Use the other person’s name as much as possible. • Use eye contact appropriately • Get the other person to talk about himself/herself • Keep it light, casual and positive • Be confident and pay attention to what is being said. • Keep up-to-date with the current news • Use small talk to reduce uncertainty between you and the others. • Know when and how to end the conversation.

47. More tips ( by Diana Booher, 1996) • Introduce yourself in a way that facilitate a way for the other person to respond. • Give the other party a way to remember your name • Personalise your greetings or “opening lines” • End your conversations gracefully and with a “

48. Self-disclosures

49. References: • Seiler, W. J and Beall, M. L ( 2008). Communication. Making Connections ( 7thed). Boston: Pearson • Goleman,D. ( 1995). Emotional Intelligence. New York : Bantam. • Hybels, S., and Weaver II, R. L ( 2004). Communcating Effectively ( 7thed). Boston: Mc Graw Hill • Verdeber, R. F. and Verderber, K.S ( 2005).Communicate( 11thed). CA: Thomson/Wadsworth

50. References: • http://www.businessballs.com/eq.htm • http://changingminds.org/explanations/theories/social_exchange.htm • Shank, G. D. ( 2006). Qualitative Research. A Personal Skills Approach (2nd ed.). New Jersey: Prentice Hall. • Thomas, R. M. (2005). Comparing Theories of Child Development (6th ed.). Belmont, CA: Thomson • http://dictionary.sensagent.com/fundamental+interpersonal+relations+orientation/en-en/