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They Can’t All Be Hamlet: All’s Well That Ends Well

Explore the lesser-known play All's Well That Ends Well by Shakespeare, featuring strong women, horny men, mockery of hipster fashion, and a touch of Maury. Follow the story of Helena, a skilled doctor, as she attempts to win the love of Bertram. Will it end well or not?

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They Can’t All Be Hamlet: All’s Well That Ends Well

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  1. They Can’t All Be Hamlet:All’s Well That Ends Well Sofya ChyudskayaSmolyanina

  2. They Can’t All Be Hamlet… Out of ~37 Shakespearean plays, some are great! Others haven’t been as popular Why All’s Well That Ends Well? Strong women, horny men, mockery of hipster fashion, and Maury! (sort of)

  3. Act I, Scene i: Rosillion As the new Count, I must go see the dying King. Maybe Helena could cure him! She’s as good as a doctor. LaFew Bertram Countess Yes! Chiwetel Ejiofor, 2007

  4. Act I, Scene i: Rosillion I love Bertram, but he doesn’t love me! “Are you meditating on virginity?” (110) You should get rid of it! I can help you! Ugh… Helena Parolles Keith Mitchell, 1955

  5. Act I, Scene ii: Paris Italy is at war! Your dad was great. Too bad he and his doctor died… King of France

  6. Act I, Scene iii: Rosillion Give me money so I can get married! Why? Because I have urges! Clown

  7. Act I, Scene iii: Rosillion I love you like a daughter. WHAT IN LAW WHEW. Can I go to Paris? Sure. Go get ‘em!

  8. Act II, Scene i: Paris Your Majesty, I know someone who can make you feel good as new! Hmm…Okay, but if you fail, I get to kill you! This girl? I doubt it! My dad was a doctor! Deal!

  9. Act II, Scene ii: Rosillion Take a message to Helena at court. <Schtick> Sigh

  10. Act II, Scene iii: Paris You’re an idiot and your sleeves are ridiculous.

  11. Act II, Scene iii: Paris Bertram! “A poor physician's daughter my wife!” (115) “I cannot love her, nor will strive to do’t” (145). She cured me! As a reward, she can marry any lord she wants. You can marry her or DIE!

  12. Act II, Scene iii: Paris “The scarfs and thebanneretsabout thee did manifoldly dissuade me from believing thee a vessel of too great a burthen" (203-205). SERVANT?! HOW DARE YOU! "The devil it is that's thy master. Why dostthou garter up thy arms a' this fashion? Dost make hoseof thy sleeves? Do other servants so? Thou wert best set thy lower part where thy nose stands" (249-252).

  13. Act II, Scene i: Paris Let’s go! I’m married against my will! I’d rather run off to the war than sleep with Helena.

  14. Act II, Scene iv: Paris Parolles, you’re an idiot! Hmph! Helena, get ready to leave Paris when Bertram says so. OK

  15. Act II, Scene V: Paris You’re an idiot if you don’t do right by Helena, and you shouldn’t trust Parolles. “There can be no kernel in this light nut; the soul of this man is his clothes. Trust him not in matter of heavy consequence” (43-45). Whatevs

  16. Act II, Scene i: Paris Can I at least have a kiss? I’m too busy to take you home. Go now! Nope

  17. Act III, Scenes i & iii: Florence Welcome to Florence! Thanks for choosing our side! I vow to fight for you! Duke of Florence

  18. Act III, Scene ii: Rosillion You got a letter from Bertram! “’When thou canst get the ring upon my finger, which never shall come off, and show me a child begotten of thy body that I am father to, then call mehusband; but in such a 'then' I write a 'never.‘’” (57-60) “He was my son, But I do wash his name out of my blood, And thou art all my child” (66-68). Time to go…

  19. Act III, Scene iv: Rosillion Helena writes to say she’s gone on a pilgrimage!

  20. Act III, Scene v: Florence I’m just a pilgrim looking for a place to stay. Sure! Have you heard about this guy Bertram? Widow & Diana OMG What a perv! And his friend is a total douche!

  21. Act III, Scene v: Florence I lost my drum in battle! So? We can watch the soldiers from up here. Parolles looks pissed about something. MY DRUM

  22. Act III, Scene vi: Florence Dude, Parolles is a total douche. French Lords Tonight at midnight, I’m going behind enemy lines to get my drum back! He’s NOT your friend. But…

  23. Act III, Scene vi: Florence Let’s set a trap for him! Then you’ll see his true colors. …

  24. Act III, Scene vii: Florence I’m actually Bertram’s wife! When he asks to sleep with Diana, tell her to demand his ring and I’ll pay you to let me take her place in bed! Okay!

  25. Act IV, Scene i: Florence What excuse can I give after I pretend to go after my drum?

  26. Act IV, Scene i: Florence Oogaboogabooga! EEP! I’ll tell you everything! Camp secrets! Numbers of soldiers! Our positions! EVERYTHING!!!

  27. Act IV, Scene ii: Florence It’ll cost you that ring. Oh, Baby, please! Give in to my “sick desires” (35) And if you want MY family jewel, you’ll pay it. But this is my family jewel! Come to my bed at midnight. Don’t speak to me, and I’ll give you a ring, too. Done!

  28. Act IV, Scene iii: Florence EW! I’m totally over these sleazy Frenchmen!

  29. Act IV, Scene iii: Florence I hear Bertram corrupted Diana. The war is over! Too bad Helena killed herself! Bertram, you should hear Parolles talk trash about you while he thinks he’s a POW. Tra la la, mission accomplished! Time to go home!

  30. Act IV, Scene iii: Florence The French lords are morons! I’ve been hitting on Diana behind Bertram’s back! Parolles, you’re fired. Oops.

  31. Act IV, Scene ii: Florence It’s okay. I’ll stay in Italy, pretend I’m a captain, marry a rich hottie, and live the sweet life!

  32. Act III, Scene iv: Florence Thanks again! Time to go back to France in disguise, since they all think I’m dead. Join me? “All's well that ends well! still the fine's the crown;What e'er the course, the end is the renown” (35-36).

  33. Act IV, Scene v: Rosillion Helena’s dead, sigh… Yeah. But now that Bertram’s single again, I’d like him to marry my daughter. <Schtick> OK

  34. Act V, Scene i: Marseilles Crap, the king’s gone to Rosillion. Let’s roll!

  35. Act V, Scene ii: Rosillion Help! You were the first to out my character, so maybe you can jump-start my comeback? Fine, I’ll feed you. He needs a bath, too!

  36. Act V, Scene iii: Rosillion I’m sorry I didn’t appreciate Helena while she was still alive. Good. Be a better husband to LaFew’s daughter. Where’s the ring you’re giving her?

  37. Act V, Scene iii: Rosillion But this is the ring I gave Helena! No it’s not. A Florentine noblewoman threw it at me from her window! “If you shall prove This ring was ever hers, you shall easyProve that I husbanded her bed in Florence,Where yet she never was” (124-127). Or maybe you killed Helena!

  38. Act V, Scene iii: Rosillion Letter from Diana: She says you promised to marry her if she slept with you & your wife died??!! I take it back! You’re not marrying my daughter!

  39. Act V, Scene iii: Rosillion She "was a common gamester to the camp" (188). Bertram took my virginity! If that were true, I wouldn’t have his family ring! Parolles is a witness. Okay, I "boarded her i' th' wanton way of youth" (211). But it's her fault for driving me mad with "her inf'nite cunning" (216).

  40. Act V, Scene iii: Rosillion I want my ring back! It’s Diana’s ring. I was their go-between. But how did you get it?? …I’m still a maid! Don’t test me with riddles, or I’ll throw you in jail! My mom can fetch my “bail” (294).

  41. Act V, Scene iii: Rosillion Guess who’s alive – and preggers! I’ve got your ring, too, so I’ve fulfilled your impossible requirement for earning your love! "If she, my liege, can make me know this clearly,I'll love her dearly, ever, ever dearly" (315-316).

  42. Act V, Scene iii: Rosillion I’ll keep you as a servant and make one last jab at your sleeves. Diana, I’ll give you your choice of a husband. "All is well ended, if this suit be won“ (Epilogue 2). Yay!

  43. “Problem Play” • The “bed-trick” • Not rape by Elizabethan standards, but hasn’t aged well • Unlikeable main characters? • Helena less resourceful than Boccaccio’s heroine? • Inconsistent / sloppy editing • Poor audience reception

  44. Merits • Strong female protagonist • Sympathetic older generation • “The most beautiful old woman’s part ever written” (Shaw) • Fascinating for Elizabethan costumers • Legitimately funny • Maury! Dame Judi Dench, 2004

  45. References Barton, Anne. “All’s Well That Ends Well: Introduction.” The Riverside Shakespeare. Second Ed. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 1997, pp. 533-537. Billington, Michael. “Best Shakespeare Productions: All’s Well That Ends Well.” The Guardian, 2014, https://www.theguardian.com/stage/2014/apr/25/shakespeares-plays-as-you-like-them-alls-well-that-ends-well. Boccaccio, Giovanni. “The Decameron.” Decameron Web, Brown University, 2010, https://www.brown.edu/Departments/Italian_Studies/dweb/texts/DecIndex.php?lang=eng. Brigstocke, W.Osborne. “Introduction.” All’s Well That Ends Well, p. xv. Dickson, Andrew. “All’s Well That Ends Well.” The Rough Guide to Shakespeare, Penguin, 2008, pp. 3–11. Genest, John. Some Account of the English Stage: From the Restoration in 1660 to 1830. Carrington, 1832. Highfill, Philip. A Biographical Dictionary of Actors, Actresses, Musicians, Dancers, Managers and Other Stage Personnel in London, 1660–1800. Southern Illinois University Press, 1984. Neely, Carol Thomas. “Power and Virginity in the Problem Comedies: All’s Well That Ends Well.” Broken Nuptials in Shakespeare’s Plays, University of Yale Press, 1983, p. 58. "Note on the Text." The Riverside Shakespeare. Second Ed. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 1997. Ridge, Kelsey. “#YouToo, Helena?: All’s Well That Ends Well and Sexual Consent.” Blogging Shakespeare, 2018, http://bloggingshakespeare.com/youtoo-Helena-alls-well-ends-well-sexual-consent. Shakespeare, William. All’s Well That Ends Well. The Riverside Shakespeare. Second Ed. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 1997, pp. 538-575. Swinden, Cara. Crime and the Common Law in England, 1580-1640. University of Richmond, 1992, https://scholarship.richmond.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1776&context=honors-theses.

  46. Image References Bone, Henry. Sir Philip Sidney. C. 1755. Carracci, Annibale. Portrait of an African Slave Woman. 1580. Clouet, Francois. Portrait of a Man, called the Ducd’Alençon; and Admiral Gaspard II do Coligny. 1569. De Medici, Alessandro, first Duke of Florence. De Agostini Picture Library. C. 16th. C. Di Tito, Santi. Portrait of a Young Woman. Florence, 1565. Lockey, Rowland. Bess of Hardwick, Countess of Shrewsbury. 1592. Thomas, Sir. Portrait of a Gentleman. Wheatley, Francis. Helena and Count Bertram before the King of France; The Abduction of Parolles, from 'All's well that ends well‘. 1780s.

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