When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn't get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the War of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
Chuck Norris has the greatest poker face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a two of clubs, a seven of spades and a green number four UNO card.
In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job." That is the story of the universe.
Archeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris."
The show pin and the other nine faint.Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
You know how they say if you die in your dream, then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death, Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its descendants now have white hair.
Chuck Norris is responsible for China's overpopulation. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of pain.
Scotty in Close enough to drop them with one roundhouse kick to the face.Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.
Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a field goal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the fifty yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.
The original draft of frightened to beat a path to his door.The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only five pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.
Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die Slowly" and "Die Quickly." They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.
The movie necks.Delta Force was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.
It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.
As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer of worlds," he was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris Halloween costume he was wearing.
In a recent survey, it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris kicks your ass, don’t be offended or hurt. He may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."
What’s known as the Ultimate Fighting Championship doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, non-Chuck Norris Division.”
The U.S. did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons. Chuck Norris killed the entire U.S. team with a single round house kick during Tae Kwon Do practice.
It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Before each filming of side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.Walker, Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that?" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever.
Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
If Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris misses you with the roundhouse kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.
Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
The original title for iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.
The phrase "break a leg" was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.
Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it.
Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.
Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindness, and possibly foot sized bruises on the face.
Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.
They had to edit the first ending of roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.Lone Wolf McQuade after Chuck Norris kicked David Carradine's ass, then proceeded to barbecue and eat him.
Chuck Norris was once on roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. Or a head.
Four out of five doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.
If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?
The pie scene in then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.American Pie is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris' case, the "pie" was the molten crater of an active volcano.
Those aren't credits that roll after then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.Walker, Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.
The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game. It was an exhibition game against Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse kick to the face in overtime.