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When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn't get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.

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Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn't get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.


Some people like to eat frogs legs chuck norris likes to eat lizard legs hence snakes

Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.


A chuck norris delivered roundhouse kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states

A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.


When chuck norris falls in water chuck norris doesn t get wet water gets chuck norris

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)


Chuck norris house has no doors only walls that he walks through

Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.


How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck norris all of it

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris?All of it.


Chuck norris doesn t actually write books the words assemble themselves out of fear

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books. The words assemble themselves out of fear.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.


Chuck norris can believe it s not butter

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.


If tapped a chuck norris roundhouse kick could power the country of australia for 44 minutes

If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.


Chuck norris can divide by zero

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.


A picture is worth a thousand words a chuck norris is worth one billion words

A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth one billion words.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.


Chuck norris invented his own type of karate it s called chuck will kill

Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

When an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.


While urinating chuck norris is easily capable of welding titanium

While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the War of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.


When chuck norris talks everybody listens and dies

When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."


Contrary to popular belief there is indeed enough chuck norris to go around

Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.


Chuck norris always knows the exact location of carmen sandiego

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen Sandiego.


When taking the sat write chuck norris for every answer you will score over 8000

When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.


When you re chuck norris anything anything is equal to one one roundhouse kick to the face

When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to one. One roundhouse kick to the face.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris has the greatest poker face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a two of clubs, a seven of spades and a green number four UNO card.


On his birthday chuck norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.


Nobody doesn t like sara lee except chuck norris

Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.


Chuck norris doesn t throw up if he drinks too much chuck norris throws down

Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job." That is the story of the universe.


Chuck norris has twelve moons one of those moons is the earth

Chuck Norris has twelve moons. One of those moons is the Earth.


Chuck norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Archeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris."


Chuck norris ordered a big mac at burger king and got one

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

If you Google "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.


Chuck norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty seven seconds

Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother's womb.


Chuck norris doesn t bowl strikes he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint

Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes; he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.


It takes chuck norris twenty minutes to watch 60 minutes

It takes Chuck Norris twenty minutes to watch 60 Minutes.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

You know how they say if you die in your dream, then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death, Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.


Chuck norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life unless it gets in his way

Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life…unless it gets in his way.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked one of the corners off.


There are no weapons of mass destruction in iraq chuck norris lives in oklahoma

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.


Chuck norris doesn t believe in germany

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.


When chuck norris is in a crowded area he doesn t walk around people he walks through them

When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.


Chuck norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills they made him blink

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.


Chuck norris can touch mc hammer

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its descendants now have white hair.


Chuck norris played russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully-loaded gun, and won.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

It takes fourteen puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only two to make him destroy an orphanage.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris is responsible for China's overpopulation. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.


Some people wear superman pajamas superman wears chuck norris pajamas

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of pain.


Simply by pulling on both ends chuck norris can stretch diamonds back into coal

Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.


When chuck norris does a pushup he isn t lifting himself up he s pushing the earth down

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up. He's pushing the Earth down.


Chuck norris invented the bolt action rifle liquor sexual intercourse and football in that order

Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one roundhouse kick to the face.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

An anagram for Walker, Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is, but it sounds AWESOME.


Chuck norris doesn t stub his toes he accidentally destroys chairs bed frames and sidewalks

Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bed frames, and sidewalks.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a field goal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the fifty yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.


Chuck norris does not own a stove oven or microwave because revenge is a dish best served cold

Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because The Sum of All Fears is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.


Chuck norris can slam a revolving door

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.


Chuck norris built a better mousetrap but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door

Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only five pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.


Helen keller s favorite color was chuck norris

Helen Keller's favorite color was Chuck Norris.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."


If by some incredible space time paradox chuck norris would ever fight himself he d win

If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win.


Chuck norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you

Chuck Norris is currently suing MySpace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die Slowly" and "Die Quickly." They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.


Science fact roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called chucktanium

Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.


Chuck norris proved that we are alone in the universe we weren t before his first space expedition

Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.


Superman once watched an episode of walker texas ranger he then cried himself to sleep

Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.


Chuck norris doesn t step on toes chuck norris steps on necks

Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

The movie Delta Force was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.


Movie trivia the movie invasion u s a is in fact a documentary

Movie trivia: The movie Invasion U.S.A. is, in fact, a documentary.


Chuck norris does not style his hair it lies perfectly in place out of sheer terror

Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lies perfectly in place out of sheer terror.


There is no such thing as global warming chuck norris was cold so he turned the sun up

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease 2. Chuck Norris3. Cancer


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.


Chuck norris did in fact build rome in a day

Chuck Norris did, in fact, build Rome in a day.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.


Once you go norris you are physically unable to go back

Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that actually is "his way."


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows, because dead men tell no tales.


Chuck norris doesn t play god playing is for children

Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.


Chuck norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick

Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris won Super Bowls VII and VIII single-handedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.


Chuck norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass at night

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.


Some kids play kick the can chuck norris played kick the keg

Some kids play kick the can. Chuck Norris played kick the keg.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

"Icy-Hot" is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot magma.


Chuck norris cannot love he can only not kill

Chuck Norris cannot love; he can only not kill.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.


Chuck norris favorite cut of meat is the roundhouse

Chuck Norris’ favorite cut of meat is the roundhouse.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer of worlds," he was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris Halloween costume he was wearing.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

In a recent survey, it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris kicks your ass, don’t be offended or hurt. He may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.


If at first you don t succeed you re not chuck norris

If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."


Chuck norris s show is called walker texas ranger because chuck norris doesn t run

Chuck Norris's show is called Walker, Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.


Behind every successful man there is a woman behind every dead man there is chuck norris

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

What’s known as the Ultimate Fighting Championship doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, non-Chuck Norris Division.”


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.


The easiest way to determine chuck norris age is to cut him in half and count the rings

The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.


Most boots are made for walkin chuck norris boots ain t that merciful

Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

The U.S. did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons. Chuck Norris killed the entire U.S. team with a single round house kick during Tae Kwon Do practice.


Chuck norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom

Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.


The bible was originally titled chuck norris and friends

The Bible was originally titled Chuck Norris and Friends.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.


Do you know why baskin robbins only has 31 flavors because chuck norris doesn t like fudge ripple

Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple.


When chuck norris says more cowbell he means it

When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell," he MEANS it.


Chuck norris was what willis was talkin about

Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.


Google won t search for chuck norris because it knows you don t find chuck norris he finds you

Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris--he finds you.


Chuck norris can lead a horse to water and make it drink

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.


Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it chuck norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground

Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.


Chuck norris shot the sheriff but he roundhouse kicked the deputy

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he roundhouse-kicked the deputy.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

That's not Chuck Norris doing push-ups--that's Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.


Chuck norris can judge a book by its cover

Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.


Chuck norris does not play the lottery it doesn t have nearly enough balls

Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.


As president roosevelt said we have nothing to fear but fear itself and chuck norris

As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."


Chuck norris just says no to drugs if he said yes it would collapse colombia s infrastructure

Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased thirteen thousand percent.


Crime does not pay unless you are an undertaker following walker texas ranger on a routine patrol

Crime does not pay, unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.


Chuck norris invented the internet just so he had a place to store his porn

Chuck Norris invented the internet--just so he had a place to store his porn.


Chuck norris does not own a house he walks into random houses and people move

Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.


It is better to give than to receive this is especially true of a chuck norris roundhouse kick

It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.


Industrial logging isn t the cause of deforestation chuck norris needs toothpicks

Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.


Chuck norris smells what the rock is cooking because the rock is chuck norris personal chef

Chuck Norris smells what The Rock is cooking, because The Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.


Chuck norris is the reason why waldo is hiding

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.


When god said let there be light chuck norris said say please

When God said, "let there be light," Chuck Norris said, "say 'please.'"


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.


One day chuck norris walked down the street with a massive erection there were no survivors

One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.


Chuck norris doesn t read books he stares them down until he gets the information he wants

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Before each filming of Walker, Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.


When bruce banner gets mad he turns into the hulk when the hulk gets mad he turns into chuck norris

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that?" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever.


Chuck norris once kicked a horse in the chin its descendants are known today as giraffes

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as giraffes.


Sticks and stones may break your bones but a chuck norris glare will liquefy your kidneys

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.


Chuck norris once went skydiving but promised never to do it again one grand canyon is enough

Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

If Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris misses you with the roundhouse kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.


In a fight between batman and darth vader the winner would be chuck norris

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is then he kills people.


Everybody loves raymond except chuck norris

Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.


Chuck norris got his drivers license at the age of sixteen seconds

Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of sixteen. Seconds.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris’ sperm is so badass, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and seven months later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion.


Chuck norris can win at solitaire with only eighteen cards

Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only eighteen cards.


Chuck norris once shat blood the blood of 11 940 natives he had killed and eaten

Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.


Coroners refer to dead people as abcs already been chucked

Coroners refer to dead people as ABCs: Already Been Chucked.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street--he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.


Chuck norris doesn t wear a watch he decides what time it is

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

The phrase "break a leg" was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.


When chuck norris does division there are no remainders

When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris," they also spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists" are understood.


Never look a gift chuck norris in the mouth because he will bite your damn eyes off

Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.


The original title for star wars was skywalker texas ranger starring chuck norris

The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris.


Guantanamo bay cuba is the military code word for chuck norris basement

"Guantanamo Bay, Cuba," is the military code word for Chuck Norris' basement.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

The phrase "balls to the wall" was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.


Chuck norris roundhouse kick is so powerful it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye

Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.


Ozzy osbourne bites the heads off of bats chuck norris bites the heads off of siberian tigers

Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

The phrase "dead ringer" refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis' career.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindness, and possibly foot sized bruises on the face.


Chuck norris can taste lies

Chuck Norris can taste lies.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.


One time chuck norris accidentally stubbed his toe it destroyed the entire state of ohio

One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.


Little miss muffet sat on her tuffet until chuck norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.


Chuck norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

They had to edit the first ending of Lone Wolf McQuade after Chuck Norris kicked David Carradine's ass, then proceeded to barbecue and eat him.


Chuck norris does in fact live in a round house

Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. Or a head.


When chuck norris works out on the total gym the total gym feels like it s been raped

When Chuck Norris works out on the Total Gym, the Total Gym feels like it's been raped.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Four out of five doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.


Chuck norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes

Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

The only sure things are Death and Taxes. When Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.


Chuck norris first job was as a paperboy there were no survivors

Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.


With the rising cost of gasoline chuck norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit

With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.


The square root of chuck norris is pain do not try to square chuck norris the result is death

The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris. The result is death.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris' testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.


To be or not to be that is the question the answer chuck norris

To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.


Chuck norris has never been in a fight ever do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight

Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?


There are two types of people in the world people that suck and chuck norris

There are two types of people in the world: people that suck, and Chuck Norris.


Chuck norris never wet his bed as a child the bed wet itself out of fear

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

The pie scene in American Pie is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris' case, the "pie" was the molten crater of an active volcano.


Chuck norris uses 8 x10 sheets of plywood as toilet paper

Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.


Chuck norris knows the last digit of pi

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker, Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.


The air around chuck norris is always a balmy 78 degrees

The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.


When chuck norris wants an egg he cracks open a chicken

When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.


Chuck norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball

Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

According to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before that, Chuck Norris created God by snapping his fingers.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.


Count from one to ten that s how long it would take chuck norris to kill you forty seven times

Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you. Forty seven times.


Chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game. It was an exhibition game against Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse kick to the face in overtime.


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