Bullying 101: A Presentation for Parents

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Definition of HIB According to the NJ 2011 Anti-Bullying Bill of Rights. \"Harassment, intimidation or bullying\" means any gesture, any written, verbal or physical act, or any electronic communication, whether it be a single incident or a series of incidents,that is reasonably perceived as being mo
Bullying 101: A Presentation for Parents

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1. Bullying 101: A Presentation for Parents Given by Robert Constantino & Kerry DiSimone

2. Definition of HIB According to the NJ 2011 Anti-Bullying Bill of Rights "Harassment, intimidation or bullying" means any gesture, any written, verbal or physical act, or any electronic communication, whether it be a single incident or a series of incidents, that is reasonably perceived as being motivated either by any actual or perceived characteristic, such as race, color, religion, ancestry, national origin, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity and expression, or a mental, physical or sensory disability, or by any other distinguishing characteristic? IMBALANCE of POWER! Gives power to one child at the expense of hurting, humiliating, or diminishing another child IMBALANCE of POWER! Gives power to one child at the expense of hurting, humiliating, or diminishing another child

3. HIB Definition (cont?d) According to the NJ 2011 Anti-Bullying Bill of Rights that takes place on school property, at any school-sponsored function, on a school bus, or off school grounds that substantially disrupts or interferes with the orderly operation of the school or the rights of other students and that: a. a reasonable person should know, under the circumstances, will have the effect of physically or emotionally harming a student or damaging the student's property, or placing a student in reasonable fear of physical or emotional harm to his person or damage to his property; b. has the effect of insulting or demeaning any student or group of students; or c. creates a hostile educational environment for the student by interfering with a student?s education or by severely or pervasively causing physical or emotional harm to the student.

4. Bullying Happens in Four Ways Verbal Teasing, jokes, ignoring/isolation, gossip, threats Physical Blocking someone?s path, physical restraint, pushing/kicking, hazing Sexual Teasing, touching, slapping, pictures, emails, graffiti, sexual assault Property Hiding belongings, theft, arson, extortion, vandalism, destruction Relational aggression vs physical Girls vs boysRelational aggression vs physical Girls vs boys

5. The Dynamics of Bullying

6. Bullies Aggressive Bullies Most common type ? Physically strong, impulsive, hot-tempered, confident, lacks empathy Motivated by power and the desire to dominate others Passive Bullies (Anxious Bullies) Tend to be insecure, are far-less popular than aggressive bullies, have low self-esteem, unhappy home lives Won?t typically initiate a bullying situation but readily joins in once one is under way Bully-victims Small percentage who have been seriously bullied themselves More likely to be both anxious and depressed Typically provoke others who are weaker than they are Dr. DAN OLWEUS - Pioneer of bullying research in the late 70s and early 80s ?Aggressive bullies - belligerent, fearless, coercive - They have an aggressive personality - likely to make negative attributions, often seeing slights or hostility in those around them where neither actually exists. tends to be most popular in the early school years and then less so in the upper grades ? perhaps because young children are more likely than older students to admire the macho image. As students get older, they become better able to think critically about peers and "leaders." Passive Bullies appear to have difficulties concentrating and focusing their attention at school, as well as violent outbursts or temper tantrums that lead to problems with their peers Once a bullying incident begins, passive bullies become enthusiastic participants. passive bullies are very quick to align themselves with and display intense loyalty to the more powerful aggressive bullies Bully-victims are often physically weaker than those who bully them but are almost always physically stronger than their own victims. generally unpopular with their peers IN THE RESEARCH: 60% of students who were identified as bullies in middle school are likely to have a criminal conviction by the age of 24. Students who bully will often end up smoking, drinking alcohol, and getting into fights in their teenage years. Dr. DAN OLWEUS - Pioneer of bullying research in the late 70s and early 80s ?Aggressive bullies - belligerent, fearless, coercive - They have an aggressive personality - likely to make negative attributions, often seeing slights or hostility in those around them where neither actually exists. tends to be most popular in the early school years and then less so in the upper grades ? perhaps because young children are more likely than older students to admire the macho image. As students get older, they become better able to think critically about peers and "leaders." Passive Bullies appear to have difficulties concentrating and focusing their attention at school, as well as violent outbursts or temper tantrums that lead to problems with their peers Once a bullying incident begins, passive bullies become enthusiastic participants. passive bullies are very quick to align themselves with and display intense loyalty to the more powerful aggressive bullies

7. Victims Passive Victims Do not directly provoke bullies Socially withdrawn, often seem anxious, depressed, and fearful Few, if any, friends ? lonely and sad Provocative Victims Often behave in ways that arouse negative responses from those around them, such as anger, irritation, and exasperation Possess a cluster of characteristics that are likely to disrupt a classroom and lead to social rejection by peers, including irritability, restlessness, off-task behavior, and hostility Passive victims represent the largest group of victimized children. have very poor self-concepts. more nervous about new situations. This cluster of symptoms makes them attractive targets for bullies who are unusually competent in detecting vulnerability. In the early grades, initial responses to bullying include crying, withdrawal, and futile anger. In later grades, they tend to respond by trying to avoid and escape from bullying situations (e.g., being absent from school, running away from home). Provocative victims represent a small group of children Although they are a distinct subgroup, provocative victims often display characteristics of other groups of children as well ? including pure bullies (i.e., they have elevated levels of dominant, aggressive, and antisocial behavior and low levels of tolerance for frustration) and passive victims (i.e., they are socially anxious, feel disliked by others, and have low self-esteem). ? Bully-Victims As discussed previously Passive victims represent the largest group of victimized children. have very poor self-concepts. more nervous about new situations. This cluster of symptoms makes them attractive targets for bullies who are unusually competent in detecting vulnerability. In the early grades, initial responses to bullying include crying, withdrawal, and futile anger. In later grades, they tend to respond by trying to avoid and escape from bullying situations (e.g., being absent from school, running away from home). Provocative victims represent a small group of children Although they are a distinct subgroup, provocative victims often display characteristics of other groups of children as well ? including pure bullies (i.e., they have elevated levels of dominant, aggressive, and antisocial behavior and low levels of tolerance for frustration) and passive victims (i.e., they are socially anxious, feel disliked by others, and have low self-esteem). ? Bully-Victims As discussed previously

8. Bystanders Most students fall into this category Are afraid to associate with the victim Fear reporting bullying incidents Experience feelings of guilt and helplessness Are drawn into bullying behavior Feel unsafe HAVE THE MOST POWER TO CHANGE THE BULLYING SITUATION! Can have positive or negative consequences AFRAID - for fear of either lowering their own status or of retribution from the bully and becoming victims themselves REPORTING - because they do not want to be called a "snitch," a "tattler," or "informer" HELPLESSNESS - for not standing up to the bully on behalf of their classmate DRAWN INTO - by group pressure UNSAFE - unable to take action, or a loss of control Bystanders clearly have a range of choices when it comes to bullying. They can passively accept it, overtly encourage it, or denounce a bully's actions and provide support to the victims. In fact, it is clear that many students who possess characteristics typical of victims are protected against bullying because of such social factors as peer acceptance and supportive friends. BE A DEFENDER RATHER THAN A BYSTANDERCan have positive or negative consequences AFRAID - for fear of either lowering their own status or of retribution from the bully and becoming victims themselves REPORTING - because they do not want to be called a "snitch," a "tattler," or "informer" HELPLESSNESS - for not standing up to the bully on behalf of their classmate DRAWN INTO - by group pressure UNSAFE - unable to take action, or a loss of control Bystanders clearly have a range of choices when it comes to bullying. They can passively accept it, overtly encourage it, or denounce a bully's actions and provide support to the victims. In fact, it is clear that many students who possess characteristics typical of victims are protected against bullying because of such social factors as peer acceptance and supportive friends. BE A DEFENDER RATHER THAN A BYSTANDER

9. Is My Child a Target? The Warning Signs? Reluctant to go to school ? complains of illness/headaches before school Does not want to ride school bus Experiencing a sudden drop in grades Coming home hungry (missing lunch) Experiencing nightmares, wetting the bed, having difficulty sleeping or excessively sleeping Refusing to leave home Waiting to get home to use the bathroom Acting nervous when an unfamiliar child approaches Showing increased anger or resentment with no obvious cause Talking about feeling lonely or about difficulty making friends Reluctant to defend himself/herself when teased or criticized Bruised, cut, or bearing scrapes that are not easily explained

10. What Can You Do to Help? Do not over- or under- react Do not dismiss the experience Do not place blame on the child Encourage child to talk about the incident Provide extra support and encouragement Encourage child to talk to another adult If possible, encourage child to stay away from the bully as school deals with the situation. REACTION ? Keep a calm appearance and ask focused questions to get more information - and anxious/angry response can evoke a similar response from your child Dismiss ? if child has the courage to share that they have been bullied, it can be devastating to hear ?work it out for yourself? or ?they?re just teasing you? REACTION ? Keep a calm appearance and ask focused questions to get more information - and anxious/angry response can evoke a similar response from your child Dismiss ? if child has the courage to share that they have been bullied, it can be devastating to hear ?work it out for yourself? or ?they?re just teasing you?

11. Discussion Prompts Trying to have your child say more than ?Greg was mean to me? can be a feat. Try these questions to get more specific information: What would an instant replay of what happened look like? Describe what other people saw and heard during the incident. Why today? Why do you think he/she bullied you? What was the most frustrating part of the experience? If this happened again, what would you do differently?

12. Tattling vs. Telling If it will only get another person in trouble, then don?t tell me. If it will get you or another child out of trouble, tell me. If it is both, I need to know. Tattling Telling Safety vs wanting someone in trouble Make a list of people in your family, school, and community who your child feels they can trust to talk ? make sure your child feels comfortableSafety vs wanting someone in trouble Make a list of people in your family, school, and community who your child feels they can trust to talk ? make sure your child feels comfortable

13. Is My Child a Bully? The Warning Signs? [Adapted from Why Doesn?t Anybody Like Me? (Marano, 1998) Positive views towards violence/ aggression Marked need to control and dominate others and situations Manipulates the relationships of others (to be mean) Hot tempered, impulsive, easily frustrated Often test limits or break rules Good at talking their way out of difficult situations Show little sympathy toward others Quick to interpret accidents or other neutral events as deliberate acts of hostility Have two or three friends who are also aggressive

14. What Can You Do to Help? Take problem seriously Question and listen attentively Seek reasons behind bullying behavior Make it clear that conduct must stop immediately Listen ? be careful as some children are very good at manipulating the story in their favor REASONS ? get help from schoolListen ? be careful as some children are very good at manipulating the story in their favor REASONS ? get help from school

15. What if My Child is a Bully? Ways to get your child back on track? Teach your child how to handle frustration Make sure aggressive behaviors are recognized as such Teach your child better ways to handle anger Model non-aggressive behaviors for your child Teach your child conflict resolution skills Shake up your interaction with your child FRUSTRATION: in acceptable, non-aggressive ways -need to be exposed to situations where they will encounter frustration/failure and guidance on how to handle angry feelings -board games? great ways to model acceptable behavior especially when losing AGGRESSIVE ? Hold child accountable and use FAIR and CONSISTENT consequences ANGER ? stress reduction techniques and finding other outlets NON_AGGRESSIVE ? think about how anger is handled in your household ? learn more appropriate social skills as a family and PRACTICE! Your or your spouse?s behavior may indeed be a part of the problem CONFLICT RESOLUTION- teach other options to solve a problem SHAKE UP ? How do you typically interact with your child? Do you half listen, only point out negative behaviors, frown a lot, talk superficially about their interests? Look at your child, nod, really listen and ask questions to show you are listening? focus on positives as well!FRUSTRATION: in acceptable, non-aggressive ways -need to be exposed to situations where they will encounter frustration/failure and guidance on how to handle angry feelings -board games? great ways to model acceptable behavior especially when losing AGGRESSIVE ? Hold child accountable and use FAIR and CONSISTENT consequences ANGER ? stress reduction techniques and finding other outlets NON_AGGRESSIVE ? think about how anger is handled in your household ? learn more appropriate social skills as a family and PRACTICE! Your or your spouse?s behavior may indeed be a part of the problem CONFLICT RESOLUTION- teach other options to solve a problem SHAKE UP ? How do you typically interact with your child? Do you half listen, only point out negative behaviors, frown a lot, talk superficially about their interests? Look at your child, nod, really listen and ask questions to show you are listening? focus on positives as well!

16. The Importance of Empathy Model an awareness of how others may be feeling and your reaction to their emotions Repeatedly ask these questions: How is that person feeling? How can you tell he/she is feeling that way? How would you feel if it happened to you? Help your child become more effective at reading the body language, tone of voice, and non-verbal communication of others Model - Whether in real life or on tv ?I bet Marc felt really upset when he saw John using his Legos without asking, and that?s why he yelled at her.? ?Mrs. Lewis looked exhausted when I saw her today at the grocery store. Planning the school concert is a lot of extra work. Maybe I?ll call her to see if she needs any help.? Model - Whether in real life or on tv ?I bet Marc felt really upset when he saw John using his Legos without asking, and that?s why he yelled at her.? ?Mrs. Lewis looked exhausted when I saw her today at the grocery store. Planning the school concert is a lot of extra work. Maybe I?ll call her to see if she needs any help.?

17. Empathy is the cornerstone of building and maintaining successful relationships.

18. Bullying vs. Peer Conflict Equal power or are friends Happens occasionally Accidental Not serious Equal emotional reaction Not seeking power Remorse-will take responsibility Effort to solve the problem Imbalance of power Repeated negative actions Intentional Physical or emotional harm Unequal emotional reaction Seeking control/material things No remorse-blames target No effort to solve the problem Normal Peer Conflict Bullying Conflict happens when people disagree about something or have ideas that are incompatible ? and have trouble resolving the issue. Usually the problem is worked out and people are friends again Examples: Not cleaning your room when asked, Arguing with your brother Disagreeing over whose night it is to take out the garbageConflict happens when people disagree about something or have ideas that are incompatible ? and have trouble resolving the issue. Usually the problem is worked out and people are friends again Examples: Not cleaning your room when asked, Arguing with your brother Disagreeing over whose night it is to take out the garbage

19. Answers to the Bully Quiz All bullying mythsAll bullying myths

20. Q&A Time


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