Healing for Emotional Wounds 心靈創傷的醫治

1. Healing for Emotional Wounds心靈創傷的醫治 Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D. 黃偉康博士 Licensed Clinical PsychologistChristianMentalHealth.com 220 Montgomery St., Suite 1098, San Francisco, CA 94104 1357 Mowry Avenue, Fremont, CA 94538 Tel (510) 794-8898 Fax (510) 475-1473

2. 人生不如意的事常八九 家家有本難念的經

3. 人生不如意的事常八九 家家有本難念的經 吃得苦中苦方為人上人

4. 人生不如意的事常八九 家家有本難念的經 吃得苦中苦方為人上人 人生得意應盡歡

5. 人生不如意的事常八九 家家有本難念的經 吃得苦中苦方為人上人 人生得意應盡歡 莫等孤杯空對月

6. 人生不如意的事常八九 家家有本難念的經 吃得苦中苦方為人上人 人生得意應盡歡 莫等孤杯空對月 苦中作樂

7. 溫 故 而 知 新 可 以 為 師 矣 知 己 知 彼

8. Identity & Personality Development • Body Grows • Personality Develops • Adult-Child • Adult Body • Child-Like Character • Identity Development • Family Relationships Determine Personality Maturation

9. Identity Formation • Each of us builds a picture of ourselves from the way others respond to us • A child does not know right from wrong • A child believes what is shown-taught

10. Looking glass self • A child draws an impression of self from what others do and say about him • The care giver has a lot of responsibility in shaping child’s self • Child is vulnerable • This is Identity-Formation/Imprinting

11. These opinions are often based on false ideas of what is really relevant • Looks • Talents • Ability • Intelligence • (Self-image depends on variable measurement standards)

12. What & Why of Self-Image“It’s what do I believe others think that I am!” • Developmental: How do we form self-Image? • “Looking-Glass” Self, How do I look? (Image) • How Important am I? (Status) • How am I doing? (Performance) • Am I accepted? (Belongingness) • Am I Okay & worthy? (Worthiness) • Can I do it well? (Competence) • Self-Image > Self-Worth > Self-confidence > Self-Esteem > Self-Acceptance > Competence

13. If someone doesn’t measure up to the standards of others, this person is made to feel unacceptable or stupid • Blame • Shame • Nicknames • Disclose secrets • Cross limits • Controlling-Manipulate • Feeling-behavior • Until you feel stupid • You believe the lie

14. Origin of Shame • The lack of a personal identify: Who am I? • External vs. Internal shame mechanisms • Parents against their children: Name calling • Children’s cruelty against their peers: Name calling • Personal handicaps: “Imperfections” • Compares & Contrasts: Athletes, models & stars • Physical features: Aging, race, skin color • Need for acceptance & “measuring-up”

15. Shame • External-Passive failure, more a defect of the whole self • Based in the early, primitive failure to resolve oral and anal conflicts (Psychodynamic Theory) • Is intrinsically destructive • Helplessness, powerlessness: No way for relief • Sense of “uncovering” “naked” “exposed” • A violation of personal space: The Self • Broken boundaries: Broken self: Rejects Self • Desire-Crave to have another Self: Addiction

16. Shame & Blame • Projection is a defense against shame: anxiety • Blame is externalizing of an internal conflict • The person does not take ownership for shame • “It is easier that shame is on you and not on me” • “I will be a no body when I am not perfect” • “I am not worthy, to be rejected when I am wrong’ • This is a homeostatic approach to balance anxiety • There is little introspection: No learning-maturity • Self-Defeating, tragic outcomes: Hiding Secrets

17. Shamelessness to Shame-proneness • When Adam and Eve were created, they were pronounced good along with others in the creation • Before eating of the forbidden fruit they were without shame, yet naked • After the serpent deceived them, they were aware of shame: Shame of nakedness? They started to Blame others and reject personal responsibilities • Covered themselves: Rejected Self, Used Performance • But real self has image of God! Grace vs Work • Do not be deceived to become the altered self • Sin: Broken Relational Boundary with God

18. Recovery from Shame & False Self • Accept our True self with the Image of God • Confess our Sin Nature and Powerlessness • Reconcile to God through Jesus’ Sacrifice • Salvation is by Grace through Faith • Not through Works “lest any man may boast” • For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith -- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God -- 9 not by works, so that no one can boast. 10 For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.Ephesians 2:8-10 (NIV)

19. Family of Origin&Marital Relationships 原生家庭与夫婦關系 Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D. 黃偉康博士 Licensed Clinical PsychologistChristianMentalHealth.com 220 Montgomery St., Suite 1098, San Francisco, CA 94104 1357 Mowry Avenue, Fremont, CA 94538 Tel (510) 794-8898 Fax (510) 475-1473

20. Not a Typical Family

21. Family of Origin & Marriage • Parallel Process: Emotional Transference • Past infringes on Present (Unresolved conflicts) • Unconscious and/or Subconscious Process • “Generally not considered to be controllable” • “The Present Recapitulates the Past” • Using Present Experience to correct Past Wrongs • Susceptibility stronger: Emotional Turmoil • Develop Awareness and Insight: Consciousness • Resolve Unfinished Businesses with family

22. Family Tree Diagram Mother Father Son-2 Son-1 Daughter

23. Casts of the Dysfunctional Family Enabler Addict Adult-child: Man with problems; Gambling, affairs, rage & irresponsibility Mother who helps hide husband’s serious problems 1 2 3 4 5 Survival for me

24. Casts of the Dysfunctional Family Enabler Addict Mother who is trying to be the UN Peace-Keeper: Hoping things will not go out of her control 1 2 3 4 5 Keep the peace: Survival for me

25. Casts of the Dysfunctional Family Enabler Addict Win-Lose Rivalry Detach 1 2 3 4 5 Hero Be Perfect: Problems will go away I want to be hero too! I am worthy

26. Casts of the Dysfunctional Family Enabler Addict 1 2 3 4 5 Scapegoat Rebel: Believing I am the problem

27. Casts of the Dysfunctional Family Enabler Addict 1 2 3 4 5 Lost Child Withdraws from Relationships: Numb

28. Casts of the Dysfunctional Family Enabler Addict 1 2 3 4 5 Clown Makes laughter admist family tragedy

29. Dysfunctional Family & Marital Relationships • First-Born vs. First-Born: Control Issues • “My way or the Highway” • “Hero”: Perfectionism-Order-Clean & Rivalry • Treating spouse like a child: Parental • “I don’t have to listen to you!” • “Who do you think you are?” (Authoritarianism) • “You do what I say!” (Condescending) • Conflict areas: Ineffective Communication • Intimacy achieved by fights

30. Dysfunctional Family & Marital Relationships • First-Born vs. Last-Born (Hero-Baby) • Wife (first-born) vs. Husband (last-born) • Balanced relationship (Not equal healthy) • Treating spouse like a child: Parental • “You have to listen to me!” (Authoritarianism) • Husband suffocates: “Mid-Life Affairs” • Conflict areas: Ineffective Communication • Emotional-Physical-Sexual Intimacy Reduced

31. First-Born Daughters • Not welcomed as child • Chinese chauvinism • Sexism: Boy over girl • Organized-Helpful • Pseudo-Hero • Real-Scapegoat • Mother’s best friend • Mom’s Keeper • Lacks childhood • Men-Hating Mistrust

32. How Family-of-Origin Issues affect Marital Relationships • Transfer of emotions “transference” • Where the past emotions are transferred • “Free-floating anger, resentment, bitterness” • Fear of “Merging” (Intimacy & Closeness) • “The present recapitulates the past” • Engaging spouse in fights to resolve past conflicts • “Trying to prove a point” (men are strong women are not) • Unrealistic expectations on spouse • Needing to prove a “point” (in order to redeem self)

33. What Went Wrong? • The nature of sin • Intergenerational effect of sin (Exodus 20:5-6) • A propensity toward sin and poor judgment • What can go wrong does go wrong • Depravity of humankind • Giving rise to pain and suffering • Substance-Emotional dependency: Lessens pain

34. Healthy Intimacy Boundary Defined • Parental: Intra-Spousal • Husband and wife are mature: Self-Contained • Husband and wife issues remain within them • Parent-Child: Intergenerational • Intimate Parental issues are not disclosed • Financial issues • Sexual issues • Familial Secrets

35. Child Satisfies Parents’ Needs • Mother • Child becomes mother’s best friend • He keeps me company, not alone! • He keeps me from being scared at night • Mom tells me all of her secrets! I am special! I must be loyal to her! She is mine! I am hers! • Father • Child becomes father's crutch • Significance derived from son’s incompetence

36. Child Satisfies Parents’ Needs • Mother • Has emotional baggages from own family • Was an Adult-Child (child in an adult body) • Expects spouse or child to meet her needs • Father (Failed to meet wife’s emotional needs) • Naive to wife’s immense emotional needs • Backs away from her emotional neediness • Drives her further into a demanding state • Sets off vicious cycle: Cat and mouse game

37. When Intimacy is Disrupted • Parents are absent physically or emotionally • Young child was not emotionally affirmed • Child’s Personal-Sexual identity immature • Child searches for identity substitution • Child attempts to provide Self-Parenting • Hurried-Child Syndrome: No childhood • Adequate Self Physical Care: Not Emotional

38. Re-Establishing Health Family Intimacy • May not be possible at all • Begins with recognizing presence of dysfunction • Denial is the first survival defense: No shame-blame • Takes courage to confront the truth in family • Courage to confront pain & personal responsibilities • Making amends: Forgive and be forgiven • Process of courage: Forgive-Reconcile-Restoration • Re-establishing normal communication • Can set clear limits and boundaries with family

39. Re-Establishing Health Family Intimacy • Begin with verbal communication first • Talk freely with self-disclosure • Can offer and receive verbal compliments • Continues with physical closeness • Socially-appropriate physical touches • Continues with more verbal intimacy • More open self-disclosure: Safe secrets • Getting a raise-promotion, lay-off, some finances • Relationships: good and bad

40. Re-Establishing Health Family Intimacy • Finding a “Home” away from home • New family substitute • Spiritual-Emotional-Physical closeness achievable • On-going relationship with people • No crossing of boundaries and limits • Can take personal responsibilities • Free to say No? without guild • Can confide in 2 or 3 significant people • Finding acceptance and affirmation

41. Pain Relief Process • Acknowledge powerlessness: Nothing I can do • Understand forgiveness: Can forgive not forget • Forgiveness is one way: To benefit you • True forgiveness requires confronting your pain • True forgiveness requires admitting your wrong • True forgiveness requires empathy for wrong doer • Reconciliation: Two ways: Requires other • Restoration: Last step in normalizing relationship • When you are stuck: Victimhood-martyrdom • Self righteousness, avoid pain, control by holding grudge: Bitterness, Resentment, Sarcasm, Gossiping

42. 家家有本難念的經 • Parent-Child • Dating • Courtship • Marriage • In-Laws Relationship • Financial • Health • Pain-Suffering • Hopelessness

43. 家家有本難念的經 • Success worries • Work-Job-Career • Can’t please wife • Can’t please children • Can’t please parents • Can’t please in-laws • Feeling like no-win • Vending Machine • Failure

44. 家家有本難念的經 • Extra-Marital Affairs • Restraining Orders • Separation • Divorce (Lawyer) • Child-Custody (Court) • Visitation Rights • Re-Marriage • Starts Over Again

45. 因果報應 姻緣注定 吃苦人生 四大皆空 看破紅塵 認命

46. 不可跪拜那些像，也不可事奉它們，因為我耶和華你們的上帝是忌邪的上帝；恨惡我的，我必追討他們的罪，從父親到兒子，直到三四代。愛我遵守我誡命的，我必向他們施慈愛，直到千代。不可跪拜那些像，也不可事奉它們，因為我耶和華你們的上帝是忌邪的上帝；恨惡我的，我必追討他們的罪，從父親到兒子，直到三四代。愛我遵守我誡命的，我必向他們施慈愛，直到千代。 You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments. 出埃及記 Exodus 20:5-6聖經新譯本 New International Version

47. 為千千萬萬人留下慈愛，赦免罪孽、過犯和罪惡。一定要清除罪，追討罪孽自父及子至孫，直到三四代。」為千千萬萬人留下慈愛，赦免罪孽、過犯和罪惡。一定要清除罪，追討罪孽自父及子至孫，直到三四代。」 maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation." 出埃及記 Exodus 34:7聖經新譯本 New International Version

48. 克己服禮為仁 人之初性本善 吃得苦中方為人上 忍道

49. 你們所有勞苦擔重擔的人哪，到我這裏來吧！我必使你們得安息。你們所有勞苦擔重擔的人哪，到我這裏來吧！我必使你們得安息。 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 馬太福音 11:28 (聖經新譯本) 自由 釋放

50. What is true identity • You see yourself as valuable to God and to others • True self-esteem, identity comes from knowing I am God’s creation