CONSCIOUS DISCIPLINE By Becky Bailey

1. CONSCIOUS DISCIPLINE By Becky Bailey Parent Study Club Month #4: Choices Fall - Spring 2010-2011 Presented By

2. Chapter #3 ReviewASSERTIVENESSHow are you doing? Are you… • Focusing on what you WANT? • Pivoting when you are upset • Breathing deeply and affirm the principle • Are you being Assertive? Saying what you want/need and keeping your power? • Teaching your child HOW to be Assertive?

3. #4 SKILL: Choices Building Self-Esteem and Willpower

4. #4 SKILL: Choices Building Self-Esteem and Willpower • Power: Power of FREE WILL The only person you can make change is yourself!

5. #4 SKILL: Choices Building Self-Esteem and Willpower • Power: Power of FREE WILL The only person you can make change is yourself! • Value: Empowerment

6. #4 SKILL: Choices Building Self-Esteem and Willpower • Power: Power of FREE WILL The only person you can make change is yourself! • Value: Empowerment • Purpose: Empowers children while setting limits.

7. #4 SKILL: Choices Building Self-Esteem and Willpower • Power: Power of FREE WILL The only person you can make change is yourself! • Value: Empowerment • Purpose: Empowers children while setting limits. • Brain Smart Tips: Choice changes brain chemistry so that learning is optimized

8. #4 SKILL: Choices Building Self-Esteem and Willpower • Power: Power of FREE WILL The only person you can make change is yourself! • Value: Empowerment • Purpose: Empowers children while you set limits. • Brain Smart Tips: Choice changes brain chemistry So that learning is optimized • Emotional Development: Builds self-esteem & willpower; Impulse Control – reduces impulsivity

9. #4 SKILL: Choices Building Self-Esteem and Willpower 4 Principles: • The only person you can make change is yourself.

10. #4 SKILL: Choices Building Self-Esteem and Willpower 4 Principles: • The only person you can make change is yourself. • Giving your power away sets you up to blame.

11. #4 SKILL: Choices Building Self-Esteem and Willpower 4 Principles: • The only person you can make change is yourself. • Giving your power away sets you up to blame. • Ask yourself: “How do I help my child more likely choose to ______,” rather than, “How can I get my child to _______.” SKILL #1: 5-Steps in delivering 2 positive choices.

12. #4 SKILL: Choices Building Self-Esteem and Willpower 4 Principles: • The only person you can make change is yours elf. • Giving your power away sets you up to blame. • Ask yourself, “How do I help my child more likely choose to ______,” rather than “How can I get my child to _______.” SKILL #1: 5-Steps in delivering 2 positive choices. • Making choices builds willpower and self-esteem. SKILL #2: Think Aloud SKILL #3: The parroting technique

13. Practice your NEW mottoThe only person I can make change…..(exhale) is me.ELEVATOR ROAD RAGESPOUSE?THROWING STICKS EXAMPLE PRINCIPLE #1

14. Becky says this the principle that is most challenging to her.If you believe that others can make you act or feel a certain way,then it is reasonable to assume that you can make others act in a certain way. BOTH BELIEFS ARE FALSE!!!! PRINCIPLE #1

15. STILL, these beliefs are widely held, causing great trouble in relationships and profoundly shaping how we handle discipline situations. PRINCIPLE #1

16. Practice the Power of Free Will by consciously becoming aware of how often you think others are making you do or feel things.Move from operating in a victim position into operating in an empowered state!Let’s Practice your NEW mottoThe only person I can make change…..(exhale) is me.I will TAKE CHARGE OF ME! PRINCIPLE #1

17. THE BLAME GAMEGiving your power away to children/anyone means you have put them in charge of your behavior. PRINCIPLE #2

18. Giving your power awayto children or anyonesets them up to be “pleasers” or “controllers.”It also sets you up to BLAME! PRINCIPLE #2

19. Pleasers: Don’t want to abuse their reign as King.Controllers: Will take the power and run with it!Again setting you up to BLAME! PRINCIPLE #2

20. What happens when your child fails after you’ve given them the power?Feelings of inadequacyLOW Self-EsteemAgain setting you up to BLAME! PRINCIPLE #2

21. Which of these statements isEMPOWERING? • I have to balance my checkbook today. • Don’t make me have to speak to you again. • Let me finish reading the story and I will help you, OK? • You should sit in your car seat honey. • You are making us late to pick up daddy, please put on your coat. • When you are quiet I will begin… • Look at how you made your sister sad. • I should get the dinner started. • You make me so angry when you do that!

23. NONE!Ineffective CommunicationUnderline words that give power away p.137 • I have to balance my checkbook today. • Don’t make me have to speak to you again. • Let me finish reading the story and I will help you, OK? • You should sit in your car seat honey. • You are making us late to pick up daddy, please put on your coat. • When you are quiet I will begin… • Look at how you made your sister sad. • I should get the dinner started. • You make me so angry when you do that!

24. RECLAIM YOUR POWERModel Empowerment vs. EntitlementACTIVITY: Let’s rewrite from entitlement to empowerment • I have to balance my checkbook today. • Don’t make me have to speak to you again. • Let me finish reading the story and I will help you, OK? • You should sit in your car seat honey. • You are making us late to pick up daddy, please put on your coat. • When you are quiet I will begin… • Look at how you made your sister sad. • I should get the dinner started. • You make me so angry when you do that!

25. Remember the Passive teacher from Chapter 3? • “Don’t make me call your mother.” • You have given your power to the child. • How about offering this CHOICE instead?“You can tap your sticks or roll your sticks on the floor – what will you choose? I see you chose to tap your sticks.” (parrot if needed)

26. PRINCIPLE #3 CHOICES

27. “How do I help the child my child be more likely to choose to ______?”Rather than“How can I get my child to ______?” PRINCIPLE #3

28. REFRAMING BLAMEp.139 1. ________ (Name) made me do it! Response: Is ____ the boss of you? NO! What could you do differently if you were the boss of you?

29. REFRAMING BLAME 2. ________ (Name) made me do it! Response: Is ____ the boss of you? YES! How sad! That must be hard for you with ______ bossing you all the time?

30. “How do I help the child my child be more likely to choose to ______?”Rather than“How can I get my child to ______?” PRINCIPLE #3 Now we are ready to offer 2 positive choices

31. CHOICES FOR CHILDREN • For children to begin making good choices the fear of punishment must be minimal • Focus should be on solutions • Give two POSITIVE choices so they feel empowered. NOTE: We often give ONE positive and one negative, which is NOT a choice but a manipulation!(Developmental Opposition)

32. 5 Step Processfor Giving Choices • Breathe deeply Think about what you want the child TO do!

33. 5 Step Processfor Giving Choices • Breathe deeply • Say “You have a choice.” in an UPBEAT tone! -Your attitude will lighten up the situation.

34. 5 Step Processfor Giving Choices • Breathe deeply • Say “You have a choice.” in an UPBEAT tone! • State the two POSITIVE choices -Not to be confused with “do it” & “or else?” -Either 2 positive options or 2 options that are both acceptable to you.

35. 5 Step Processfor Giving Choices • Breathe deeply • Say “You have a choice.” in an UPBEAT tone! • State the two POSITIVE choices • Ask for a commitment –“What is your choice?” What happens if you think “WHAT IF?” This fear yields resistance

36. 5 Step Processfor Giving Choices • Breathe deeply • Say “You have a choice.” in an UPBEAT tone! • State the two POSITIVE choices • Ask for a commitment – i.e. “What is your choice?” • Notice the choice and state with love “You chose…”

37. Activity to Give2 Positive ChoicesProvide 2 Positive Choices for these 3 scenarios SCENE: Playing with Food p.143 SCENE: Listening SCENE: Finishing work

38. Activity to Give2 Positive ChoicesProvide 2 Positive Choices for these 3 scenarios HOW DID YOU DO? Discussion P. 156

39. PRINCIPLE #4 Making Choices Builds Willpower And Self-Esteem

40. PRINCIPLE #4 A person’s ability to make choices and commit to those choices is a measure of self-esteem. Think about that statement for a moment . . .

41. PRINCIPLE #4 A person’s ability to make choices and commit to those choices is a measure of self-esteem. Think about that statement for a moment . . . To really make a choice, you must make a decision and accept the consequences of that decision!

42. PRINCIPLE #4 p.144 It is IMPOSSIBLE to make your own choices and simultaneously try to please others. Women – BEWARE Women are socialized to please others! Becky’s “lunch location” conversation example

43. PRINCIPLE #4 As a PARENT You cannot set limits and take care of your child’s feelings at the same time.

44. PRINCIPLE #4 Children who have trouble making choices are: • Those who refuse to make a choice a) Point out to the child the many choices they are always making (Examples) b) Offer the child small choices that involve closeness with you. (Ease child toward independence, but still create autonomy) c) Model acceptance of mistakes, theirs and ours. SKILL #2

45. PRINCIPLE #4 THINK ALOUD SKILL Read Page 146 Bottom Shows children how to handle mistakes while helping to eliminate the behavior for the future.

46. PRINCIPLE #4 Children who have trouble making choices are: • Those who Refuse to make a choice • Those who Resist the Structure (Give A or B – they pick C) Power Struggle: Developmental or Learned Opposition?

47. PRINCIPLE #4 Power Struggle Developmental Opposition Researchers call this natural process “individuation separation”

48. PRINCIPLE #4 To Help with Developmental Opposition • Resist Power Struggle • Stay with what you WANT • Use the Parroting Technique - Becky’s “Block Example” p. 148 - CD’s entitled “Preventing Power Struggles” 4.

49. PRINCIPLE #4 THE PARROTING TECHNIQUE p. 148 - Let’s Practice: How Many Times? - CD’s entitled: “Preventing Power Struggles”

50. PRINCIPLE #4 To Help with Developmental Opposition • Resist Power Struggle • Stay with what you WANT • Use the Parroting Technique - Becky’s “Block Example” p. 148 - CD’s entitled “Preventing Power Struggles” 4. Recognize WILLPOWER if your child chooses to cooperate with you.