relationship

1. It’s time to start talking about money in your relationship The 3 steps you can use to soften the unavoidable financial power dynamic in your life. Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

2. oney and intimacy. Two things that don’t always go together smoothly. Money is usually connected to something we want or long for. Money helps us fulfill our longing―for power, for control, for status, for comfort, for safety, for love. It’s all about longing. Money is permanently connected to power, as the saying goes: “Whoever has the gold, makes the rules![i]”. As a couples therapist, the issue of money and power is almost always at play with every couple I encounter[ii]. For some couples, this issue hovers over couples like a dark cloud or shadow, appearing from time to time explicitly, and always in play implicitly. The money/power issue is neither good nor bad, it just is. So it is best if couples admit and address it instead of ignoring

3. or pretending that the issue is not a potent theme in their relationship. The money makeup. In almost every couple there is one person (let’s refer to them as the more-monied partner) who makes more money than the other partner (called the less-monied partner), even if both partners work full time. If we look deeper, we usually find that the larger the gap between incomes, the more of an unbalanced power dynamic is at play. If the less secure partner is a stay-at-home parent or unemployed, the power dynamic can be even more extreme. The dynamic often manifests as follows: The more financially successful partner implicitly and semi-consciously expects the less-monied partner to

4. compensate for their diminished income by investing extra time in the relationship, the house, the cooking, or the kids. The less-financially secure partner is grateful for the extra income their partner makes, but the financial dependence can generate a feeling of guilt which motivates them to constantly show the other party how essential they are to the household. Ultimately, both partners act out their frustrations with mutual contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling, which relationship researcher John Gottman calls the “Four Horsemen of the apocalypse” that eventually lead to relationships ending[iii]. How does this dynamic manifest in relationships?

5. Several years ago I worked with a couple who married in their early 20’s and after being together 15 years, she fell in love with another man. They came to therapy to think about how to continue together as a couple. He was a teacher who worked overtime in several different educational jobs and was the main breadwinner (the higher-earning partner). She was a lawyer by training but was under-employed by design so she could concentrate on her hobbies (the lower-earning partner). They never really spoke about the financial imbalance in their relationship. He never openly complained; she never shared her constant guilt and shame. It took a self-sabotaging move of a potential affair for her to see her husband’s exhaustion and for her husband to see her sense of indebtedness.In our

6. sessions, when the more financially successful partner shared his anger and threatened divorce, the other partner suddenly realized her total financial dependence. After doing the math of financial independence the less financially powerful partner faced the fact that divorce would mean a lower standard of living without the hobbies and treats she had enjoyed while in her marriage. Her choice then became whether to continue the potential affair or to return to her marriage including the original financial contract. The more powerful partner was happy to keep on funding her hobbies, as long as she ended the affair and recommitted to him. Therapy ended with the less powerful partner ending her affair and looking for extra work, while the higher-earning partner continued to pay for

7. her hobbies. They were not willing to further explore (or challenge) their historical money/power dynamic. How does the power dynamic develop in relationships? If you ignore the financial imbalance in this situation, and pretend it’s not there, it’s can surface as passive-aggressive behavior which will eventually build up and erupt as negative behaviors either between the partners or even using the kids. From the perspective of either partner, things are both complicated and volatile. The less-monied partner The less financially successful partner by choice (or by design) earns less. This choice could be a result of priorities — like necessities of the other

8. partner’s career, child-rearing philosophy, or simply circumstance. In the beginning, this gap is often discussed and even agreed upon by both partners. Sometimes the more successful partner overtly enjoys the standard of living they receive. Yet over time, though, the same partner might begin to feel defensive, guilty, or even angry at the unspoken demands for gratitude from the other party. Slowly, the less-monied partner might begin to feel trapped in a “golden cage,” where their partner’s money becomes a prison. This partner may express this feeling through sarcasm or passive-aggressive behavior. Ironically, the wealthier the other party becomes, the wider the gap and subsequent pressure on the less-monied partner may be, resulting in more passive-aggressive behaviors and an implosion in the

9. relationship. A lack of job fulfillment for the $ partner further adds to their dissatisfaction and the blame game expands to include their overall life dissatisfaction. Often, the less-monied partner will try restore balance to the power dynamic by criticizing or devaluing their more financially successful partner: in terms of parenting skills (“you’re never with the kids”), intellect (“all you talk about is work”), emotional depth (“you have no feelings!”), commitment to the relationship (“we never go out”), lovemaking abilities (“we are never intimate”). These depreciations become the tax that the successful partner pays for their financial superiority. Such disparaging comments and behaviors are essentially misguided strategies

10. to cry for help, which only inevitably create more distance, contempt and criticism. The more-monied partner Oftentimes, the more financially successful partner openly encourages the other partner to do what they want, or whatever makes them happy. Over time, though, that partner may unconsciously start to judge, test, and even resent the less financially-independent partner for their being less successful. This resentment worsens as the less-successful partner uses negative strategies to cover up their own feelings of guilt (or inadequacy) in the relationship. The financially powerful partner’s negative behavior unfolds differently according to how much they enjoy their higher-paying job.

11. If they love their job, there will usually be an implicit sense of benevolent power. All the while, they might have an implicit expectation to be openly appreciated for the financial security they provide the family. This creates an unformulated pressure on the less-monied partner to constantly praise and express their gratitude to the higher-earning partner. If this partner hates their job, however, then their bitterness and contempt for the lower-earning partner are exacerbated. They often will feel like they’re sacrificing themselves only because it is on them to pay the bills. Therefore, they sometimes unleash their frustration on the $ partner, through explicit judgment, aggression and sometimes even violence.

12. The best ways to overcome financial power dynamics in our relationships. First of all, do not ignore or begin acting out. Say the thing. If you talk about the imbalance of economic power, at least there is a chance to address the deeper power issue while minimizing the repercussions. Begin that process with these 3 steps that can help you start to address the dynamic of money and power in your intimate relationships. 1. Know your worth If you are the lower-earning partner, find how much you “cost”. Calculate whether your income covers your personal expenses of food, clothing, transportation, hobbies, etc. (not including overall house or kids expenses). If you cover your

13. personal expenses, then you can feel confident enough to talk to your loved one about this topic and see what issues are not being discussed and how they experience the financial power dynamic. If you are not covering your personal expenses, then that could explain why this topic is openly discussed. Appreciate that you are dependent on your partner to maintain your lifestyle. In such cases, there may be implicit and perpetual guilt on the part of the $ partner. Consider that guilt and dependence. How does it make you feel? How is the power financial dynamic being experienced by both of you? Where do you feel small and indebted? Where do you feel not worthy? Where do you feel that you contributing to the relationship in different ways? Don’t open the topic until you’re sure how you feel.

14. If you are not currently working then consider your priorities and the way they may be impacting your emotions in the situation. What is more important for me than making money? Why am I not working? In what ways am I contributing to this relationship? Write down these answers for yourself. Remember that each partner contributes differently to the household: someone brings in financial income, but someone also has to bring in the nurture, parenting, artistic, and playful income into the home. When you’re confident in these answers, share them with your partner. 2. Name it to tame it,BRIGHT FUTURE Once you have openly shared your feelings, allow your partner to reflect and share their experience. Remember, this is a topic couples rarely address openly so give it time. Proceed slowly and take it

15. in phases, if needed. Next, you can slowly start consciously and mindfully discussing and renegotiating your agreements, compromises, or boundaries surrounding the financial power dynamic in your partnership. 3. Renegotiate respectfully. If either partner wants to change the division of money (and financial power) in your relationship, realize (and accept) that this will be a major change in your dynamic. This is termed as a second-order change, which disrupts the natural homeostasis your current relationship has settled into. Resistance from your partner should not be construed as a lack of love. It is often just the reality of systems change, where each partner has

16. secondary gains from the current equilibrium, especially if this has been an on-going, long-term Putting it all together… In closing, if money is about longing, then you have to start longing to find different ways to fulfill that craving. Seek for a sense of belonging, partnership, love, respect, power, interdependence, freedom and agency. When we touch these things, we touch a little deeper part of ourselves. Open yourself up to the opportunity of a better tomorrow and better balance in your relationships.