Download
1 / 6
60 likes | 188 Views
Verb Diet. Revision Technique that Works!. Personal Narrative Student Writing Sample. “Hey girls, how has camp been treating ya!” Chuck said with a big smile.
E N D
Verb Diet Revision Technique that Works!
Personal Narrative Student Writing Sample “Hey girls, how has camp been treating ya!” Chuck said with a big smile. Chuck was a grandpa looking figure with gray hair and a balding head. His skin was tanned and it was obvious he enjoyed being out in the sun. His voice was scratchy and deep. It was apparent that he must be Italian. It reminded me of a voice from the movie The Godfather.
Verb Diet Revision Minimize use of the form of “be” verbs. Is Am Are Was Were Be Being Been
Revised Sample “Hey girls, how has camp been treating ya? Chuck said with a big smile. Gray hair and a balding head made Chuck look like a grandpa. Tan skin showed his obvious love for the outdoors. A deep scratchy voice that sounded Italian reminded me of the characters’ voices in The Godfather film.
Analysis Student Writing Sample • Pyle is a man whose ideology combined the ideas from the work of York Harding and American ideals. Pyle is driven by Harding’s suggestion of implementing a third force into the discord of Indo-China politics to maintain American democracy. It is this that causes him to go about this arduous task using dangerous methods, all the while he is maintaining his starry-eyed composure. Pyle was providing the materials and General The was organizing a series of small explosions so that the result would be to open the door for American intervention. It is through a poorly executed attack that Pyle’s “plastics” kill a dozen innocent people in the square in Saigon. As Pyle is standing amidst the chaos and gloom of death, he is unable to see his own foolishness. At the time, his purpose in using the bombs is clear and resolute.
Revised Sample • Pyle’s ideology combines the work of York Harding and American ideals. Pyle is driven by Harding’s suggestion of implementing a third force into the discord of Indo-China politics to maintain American democracy. He goes about this arduous task by dangerous methods, all the while maintaining his starry-eyed composure. Pyle provides materials and General The organizes a series of small explosions that he is determined will open doors for American intervention. In a poorly executed attack, Pyle’s “plastics” kill a dozen innocent people in the square in Saigon. As Pyle stands amidst the chaos and gloom of death, he cannot process his own foolishness. At the time, the bomb’s initial purpose seemed so clear and resolute.
