Destructive and Constructive Communication

1. Destructive and Constructive Communication • The art of conversation consists as much of listening politely as in talking agreeably.” • How do you rate your listening and talking skills? What do you need to improve? “I know you believe you understand what you think you heard, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”

2. Standards and Objectives • ARR 2.0 - ARFL 4.00 Students will identify effective communication in interpersonal relationships. • Identify various types of communication styles • Identify types of destructive communication (blaming, interrupting, endless fighting, character assassination, calling in reinforcements, and withdrawal) • Identify types of constructive communication (I-messages, clarifying, timing, asking questions, reflective listening, respect, consideration, avoid anger) • Practice using I-messages

3. “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Words, tone of voice and body language.

4. Motivator • Hammer Communication or • Calvin and Hobbes or • Often we really communicate destructively and constructively with people we are surrounded with. Whole days can be ruined because of destructive communication. Put – down take 14 positive remarks to erase.

5. THE CLAW IS LIKE DESTRUCTIVE COMMUNICATION. It is sharp and dangerous and is used to destroy and tear down relationships. Hammer of Communication THE SHANK IS LIKE NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION: It is strong and can be used to support construction or destruction. THE HANDLE OF THE HAMMER IS LIKE US– IT IS THE DRIVING FORCE. We are in control of our communication and choose to use it in a constructive or destructive manner. THE HEAD IS LIKE CONSTRUCTIVE COMMUNICATION. It is smooth and rounded and is used to build and help put things together.

6. Destructive Communication • Blaming • Interrupting • Endless Fighting • Character Assassination • Calling in Reinforcements • Withdrawal • Need to be Right

7. Blaming – Frequently blame each other while trying to find out who is at “fault”, who started the fight, etc.” • Examples – You are the one that’s not listening. You did this…. You should of … • Interrupting – Interrupts another person, it is a sign that one idea is more important than another. • Stop communication, Shows disregard for other person’s ideas.

8. Endless Fighting – Arguments that never end. Bring up the old issues that have nothing to do with what’s happening now. • Examples: Just like when you… • Character Assassination – Name calling, belittling comments about sensitive subjects, and insulting remarks. (Sarcasm) • Examples: Destroys self-esteem, trust, and communication.

9. Calling In Reinforcements – Involves outsiders in your personal relationships and quarrels. • Example: to save face • Withdrawal – Withdrawing from communication avoiding conversation in families communicates hurt, rejection, neglect, indifference, &/or anger. • Example: “I don’t care” “fine” “I’ll do it”

10. Need to be right – Some people refuse to admit any need to always be right. • Compromise is a win-win situation.

11. Let’s Communicate • Mark each communication technique as constructive or destructive. • Write examples of negative techniques.

12. Constructive Communication • “I” Messages • Clarity • Timing • Asking Questions • Reflective Listening • Respect and Consideration • Avoiding Intense Anger

13. “I” Messages – State the feelings and thoughts you are having at the time of communication. Lets others know how you feel without making people defensive. Examples “I feel frustrated when… I am angry because you forgot…

14. Clarity – Meaning what you say and then saying what you mean. Problem is interpretation. (Sarcasm) • Example: I hope you had a great time at the movie last night with all your other friends! • Timing – Select a good time to do your important communicating. • Examples: Asking for something when parents walk in from work.

15. Asking Questions – People seldom say what they really mean the first time. Example: Why, What, Where, When, Do you mean…. Reflective Listening – listener mirrors back thoughts and/or feelings the speaker is experiencing. Purpose is to clarify. Example: Are you saying? You seem to be saying?

16. Respect and Consideration – One sure way of ending good communication is by being critical or judgmental. Respect the other person’s point of view. • Avoiding Intense Anger – Sometimes we become to emotional to communicate effectively.

17. “I” Messages • State the feelings and thoughts you are having at the time of communication. • “I feel … when … because …” • “I would like …” • Don’t blame the other person.

18. Shouting • Name Calling • Physical expression Roadblocks Destroys Self- Esteem and creates Fear.

19. State #6:Sending “I” Messages

20. 1. Father wants to read the paper. Child keeps climbing on his lap. Father is irritated. “You” message: “You shouldn’t ever interrupt someone when he is reading.” “I” message: ______________________ 2. Mother using vacuum cleaner. Child keeps pulling plug out of socket. Mother is in a hurry. “You” message: “You’re being naughty.” “I” message:______________________

21. 3. Child comes to table with very dirty hands and face. “You” message: “You’re not being a responsible big boy. That’s what a little baby might do. “I” message: ___________________________ 4. Child keeps postponing going to bed. Mother and Dad want to talk about a private problem of concern for them. Child keeps hanging around preventing them from talking. “You” message: “You know it’s past your bedtime. You are just trying to annoy us. You need your sleep.” “I” message:__________________________

22. 5. Child pleads to be taken to a movie but he has not cleaned up his room for several days, a job he agreed to do. “You” message: “You don’t deserve going to a movie when you have been so inconsiderate and selfish.” “I” message: ___________________________ 6. Child has been sulking and acting sad all day. Mother doesn’t know the reason. “You” message: “Come on now, stop this sulking. Either brighten up or you’ll have to go outside and sulk. You’re taking something too serious.” “I’ message: ___________________________

23. 7. Child is playing the stereo so loud it is interfering with the parent’s conversation in the next room. “You” message: “Can’t you be more considerate of others? Why do you play that stereo so loud?” “I” message:___________________________ 8. Child promised to iron napkins to be used for dinner party. During the day she dawdled, now it’s one hour before the guests arrive and she has not started the job. “You” message: “You have fallen down on your job. How can you be so thoughtless and irresponsible?” “I” message: _____________________________

24. Summary: • If you create an environment where negativity is not tolerated, where meetings and conversations take place with purpose and meaning, and where people praise and appreciate each other…. You also start to create fertile ground for trust to develop. People don’t always know how to be great, but they want to be! Start by being great yourself and learn to be more masterful in your communication. • Take care in what you feed your mind. You’ll feel better and the people around you will be grateful for your lead.(1)