Family Life Ministry

Family Life Ministry First Quarter of 2014: Achieving Effective Family Communication January - Laws of Communication (Part 1) COMMUNICATING EFFECTIVELY THROUGH/DESPITE GENDER DIFFERENCES February - Parents-Youth Forum (Online Survey Results Review) Understanding The Dynamics of Effective Parent/Child Communication March - Laws of Communication (Part 2) The Power & Influence of Choices in Effective Communication

Reminder: Please Respond!February Parent-Youth Forum Survey

Communication! • This quarter we will be examining the subject of communication effectiveness in the family setting • We will explore questions such as: • What principles guide good communication? • On the other hand, what are elements to watch for to avoid poor/bad communication? • What are the consequences of poor/bad communication? • What amounts to positive ornegative communication patterns?

The Power of the Tongue! • Proverbs 18:21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof. • If there is a fruit, then there was a seed • We are sowing seeds everyday with our words • When those seeds germinate, they will produce fruits • We must watch the seeds you are sowing!

Bible Text • Proverbs 15:2 2The tongue of the wise useth knowledge aright: but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness. • Proverbs 18:6-7 A fool's lips enter into contention, and his mouthcalleth for strokes. A fool's mouth is his destruction, and his lips are the snare of his soul.

Communication! • People say communication can make or mar a relationship... • Some say that the foundation of marriage failure is communication failure... • Statistics shows that one of the principal predictors of marital problems is poor communication! • What really then is this communication that we here about so often in relationship?

Question #1 • What is communication?

Question #2 • Does communication happen only when we speak?

Question #3 • If not, can you give some other examples of how else we communicate apart from speaking or talking?

What is Communication? • Communication is defined as the exchange of information and transmission of meaning!

Dictionary Definition - Transmit verb (used with object),trans·mit·ted, trans·mit·ting. • 1. to send or forward, as to a recipient or destination; dispatch; convey. • 2. to pass or spread (disease, infection, etc.) to another. (many are spreading dis-ease in their own home through poor communicaiton) Physics. • 1. to convey or pass along (an impulse, force, motion, etc.).

Dictionary Definition - Meaning noun • 1. what is intended to be, or actually is, expressed or indicated; signification; import…(importance) • 2. the end, purpose, or significance of something: • 3. the nonlinguistic cultural correlate, reference, or denotation of a linguistic form; expression. adjective • 1. intentioned

What is Communication? • Transmission of Meaning! • We can then define communication as the art or act of conveying intent to a recipient either by words or impulse.

The Communication Cycle!

@ The Family Retreat – Dr. Mrs. Fadele It has been said that communication is to relationshipwhat blood is to humanbody. • As a medical doctor she knew what she was saying! • Leviticus 17:11 -For the life of the flesh is in the blood… • Without the blood, the flesh is lifeless, useless, ineffective, dead! • Without good communication in a family the quality of life “blood” in the family will be poor…and the family is headed for the rock (disaster)!

Why do we Communicate? • We communicate to: • Exchange information • Build trust • Establish intent • Direct action • Foster acceptance

The Goal of Communication • The primary goal of communication is to foster understanding between the sender and the receiver • When the receiver does not understand the sender it is called miscommunication or misconception and leads to misunderstanding

Noise! • The role of noise is to distort the message from the sender before it gets to the receiver! • That is why we make statements like: “That is not what I meant” • The other person responds “that’s what I thought you said”

Noise • Noisedistorts what is meant by the sender before the message reaches the receiver • One of your principal goals in communication is to minimize noise or its impact in your communication cycle

Law of Communication #1 • Men & women are fundamentally different and communicate differently! • Our differences is a source of “noise” • It therefore can affect communication if not understood and correctly managed!

Gender Differences… • What are examples of such gender differences which can impact our communication patterns?

Basic Gender Differences Male Female Functions on Emotions & Feelings She is expressing what she is feeling when communicating She doesn’t want you to hear just her words, she wants you to hear her feelings! • Functions on Logic (Logical Thinker) • He expresses what he is thinking when communicating

Basic Gender Differences Male Female She does not only hear the words, she feels the words Never tell a woman what you don’t want her to feel NB: Be careful how you talk to a woman who is not your wife • Words are only information • The Information does not affect his emotion… • It is only fact or figures to him!

Basic Gender Differences Male Female She takes everything personally She takes everything you say personal! • To him everything is impersonal • Negative words have little impact on the man

Basic Gender Differences Male Female She is interested in the details What, when, where? • He is interested in the principle • He is only interested in the gist of things?

Basic Gender Differences Male Female She is not asking you to solve the problem She is simply expressing how she feels • He quickly analyzes the words and begins to propose solution alternatives • Uses words like “the fact of the matter is”

Basic Gender Differences Male Female Women are like a computer disk! She never forgets anything! Never say to a woman what you don’t want her to remember! • Men are like filing cabinets! • You put the information there and forget it! • They say it and forget it!

Basic Gender Differences Male Female She never forgets! Have you ever wondered how she remembers the details of what you said or the cloth you wore to a wedding 10 years ago? • Have to be told things over & over again • He only remembers the gist of things

Basic Gender Differences Male Female Her home is an extension of her personality It is her domain! She needs to feel you care about things around the house that bother her • His work is an extension of his personality • God gave work to man before He gave her the woman (Gen 2:15)

Basic Gender Differences Male Female She needs stability & security She needs to know she can trust you completely This is why she needs to hear from you “I Love You” everyday! • Can function in the midst on an unstable situation or environment

Basic Gender Differences Male Female Tends to be guilt prone She walks with the weight of a guilt..men please take the weight of guilt off her shoulders! She thinks: what did I do wrong? • Tend to be resentful when corrected

Basic Gender Differences Male Female Tends to get involved in things easily “if it feels good, it has to be good!” • Evaluates the situation before getting involved

Gender Differences… • How can you ensure that the your gender differences don’t obscure the perception/reception of your message resulting in misunderstanding contention in the home?

Steps to Effectively Communicate Despite Differences 1. Make concerted effort to learn and understand these basic gender differences and their effect on communication 2. Identify your part/role in the communication cycle and minimize the impact of perception based on your God given differences from your spouse

Steps to Effectively Communicate Despite Differences 3.Seek to understand things from your spouse’s perspective (know that you will always be clouded by your point of view) 4. As the “receiver” ask questions to clarify your understanding of what your “sender” is relating (verbal or non-verbal)

Steps to Effectively Communicate Despite Differences 5. As the “sender” take time to “decode” your message to ensure understanding of what you are relating (verbal or non-verbal) to your “receiver” 6. Don’t jump to conclusion based on what you see, hear, or perceive…always ask for clarification!

Steps to Effectively Communicate Despite Differences 7. Understand that the following three components of communication must be complementary to be effective • Content (could be verbal or non-verbal) • Tone (verbal – how it is said) • Non-Verbal (body language, gestures, timing, etc.)

Steps to Effectively Communicate Despite Differences 8. Prayerfully deal with anger…itwill cloud your reasoning & judgment, and affect your tone and body language! 9. Practice ACTIVE LISTENING… • Listen to facts and feelings • Men should listen for feelings • How is what I am saying/doing making her feel? • Women should listen for facts • What really is the point he is making?

Steps to Effectively Communicate Despite Differences 10. Seek to understand first then understood! 11. Apologize for misconceptions and forgive if misunderstood! 12. Pray Together! • Praying together constantly keeps God at the center of your communication cycle, making it difficult for the devil to build a barrier between you by misrepresenting to you independently your spouse’s intent.

Summary…In Closing… • It has been said that communication is to relationshipwhat blood is to humanbody. • Leviticus 17:11 - For the life of the flesh is in the blood… • Without good communication in a family the quality of life “blood” in the family will be poor…and the family is headed for the rock (disaster)! • Every word that comes out of our mouth is consequential in a disproportionate way • Proverbs 15:2 2The tongue of the wise useth knowledge aright: but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness. • Please meditates on these knowledge (information) and use it aright and God will expand your wisdom in this important aspect of the family life!

Q&A + Prayer • What questions do you have? • Let us all pray for our families: • Pray that God will stay at the center of the communication cycle in your home • Pray that every barrier that has been built in your family through misrepresentation by the devil & misinterpretation of each other be removed by God • Pray that God will use your mouth positively to build and not tear down your spouse or children!

Family Life Ministry