Overcoming the Pain of Offense and Unforgiveness

1. Overcoming the Pain of Offense and Unforgiveness Michele Aluoch 2017

2. Stages of Grief • Shock • Disorganization • Searching Behavior • Emotional Components • Despair • Guilt-real or imagined, what if? What could I have done? I wish I could have done more. • Anger- at person for their sickness/death, anger with yourself for being about your own business

3. Stages of Grief • Anxiety-what now?, feeling of loss of control over your emotions • Jealousy- of others who don’t have to go through loss • Shame-don’t want to admit true feelings of loss -what it means • Aggression/Protest- doctors & nurses, family members who did not help, God for “letting it happen” • Letting Go- final goodbye, not searching, acceptance of new reality • Reintegration- reassigning meaning to symbolic experiences

4. The Six Needs of MourningWolfelt, 2004 • Accept the reality of the death. • Let yourself feel the pain of the loss. • Remember the person who died. • Develop a new self identity. • Search for meaning. • Let others help you- now and always.

5. The Disease of Revenge- McCullough,M.E, 1997 • Weakened history • All consuming • Destructive effects to the host • Keeps comparison to one’s internal standards of justice going (“shoulds”) • Alternative: promote forgiveness rather than revenge

6. Cognitive Models of Forgiveness &Object Transformation(e.g.- Cioni,P.F.-2007) • Unforgiveness/Woundedness (Revenge Based Cognitions) • Versus Forgiveness (Changing Cognitive Attributes and Perspectives)

7. Object Transformation • Forgiveness-Based Cognitions • Violation occurs • Negative emotions follow • I will choose to forgive this person. The violation no longer has control over me. • Negative emotions are alleviated. • The object-image is less threatening or remains non-threatening. Freedom from inner conflict. is enhanced, peace restored, and life renewed. Negative Cognitions • Violation occurs • Negative emotions follow • “I will get even”,” I want revenge”, “They will not get away w/this”,”He/she must pay for this”. I can’t stand this pain”,” I cannot tolerate this, “I must get even.” • The object-image changes from friend to enemy. • Aggressive energy is directed toward the object which produces inner conflict.

8. TransformationBlocher, W.G., & Wade, N,G.(January 2010) • a process of changes • Inside the one who perceives the offense • three areas: cognition, emotions, and behaviors toward the offender. • Two mechanisms: 1) reduction of negative thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that include the pain, hurt, anger, bitterness, and any desires for revenge that result from the hurt; and (2) increase of positive thoughts, feelings, and prosocial behaviors toward the offender (e.g. compassion, understanding, love, mercy, or simply a feeling of pity

9. Cognitions of Offenses • Discouraging thoughts about the offender • Questioning: why did the offender do it? • Why did this happen to me? • Thoughts of revenge • Thoughts of relationship termination • Why the offender should not have done this to begin with • Thoughts of forgiveness • Thoughts of distrust

10. Most Critical Factors to Consider in Relational OffensesBeckenbach, J., Patrick, S., & Sells, J. (2010) • The immediate topic • The history of arguments • The nature of conflict between the two parties • Family of origin or historical factors in these issues • Use of defenses and self preservation techniques- perpetuates offenses

11. Common Elements I.Intra-individual and inter-personal Within the self Between the self and others, relational II. Regarding a perceived transgressor/transgression NOTE: perceived versus actual transgressor- individual self and desired self, self and other, two parties each with some responsibility, groups

12. Common Elements III. Has disrupted appropriate social interactions IV. Requires a shift in emotions from bitterness, anger, hared, toward more positive feelings, thoughts and behaviors V. Involves some plan of dealing with accepting or modifying behaviors based on perceived injustices VI. Involves freedom in communication “To be able to say without resentment, “I feel sad that our relationship is going this way and this is what I would like from here..” (Karen,R.-2001)

13. Meaning Making in Grief • Clients present in terms of stories, narratives, and myths • Learning to adjust what is “true” • Exists in culture: 1. stories, narratives, myths and 2. nonverbal communication • Meaning making : both within each client as well as the therapeutic exchange. • Not automatically important to everyone • Gender differences- men seen as more attractive if less extreme grief symptoms but women seen as more attractive if open and sharing

14. Meaning Making in Grief Recovery involves building grief into existing structure of one’s life. Requires cognitive reframing- not losing but redefining. Flexibility between and within individuals is required. (time, style, resources needed) Seeing grief as an ability to broaden one’s perspective Grief is as varied as each individual. Expression is better than denial. Expression may include a range of things unique to each individual. Gender roles play a part- men tend to be more private and repressive while women encouraged to be open. Social support is an essential element. Avoidance is top problem and concern in terms of maladaptive responses.

15. Choices of the ClientUysal,R., & Satici, S.A., 2014 • Power to create our own happiness or lack thereof • Power to create vengeance or forgiveness • Power to choose types of responses that raise or lower tensions • Power to choose negative emotions like anger, bitterness and revenge or to give empathy, humility, second chances • Power to redefine and re-evaluate relationship • Power for justice in nonaggressive ways • Power to consider the effects on one’s own identity and integrity

16. Defining Forgiveness • How would you operationally define forgiveness?

17. Forgiveness Assessment Is reconciliation a necessary part of forgiveness? Is apology necessary before you would forgive someone? Is it necessary to forget the hurt when you forgive someone? Do you see forgiveness as primarily a religious concept? Is it possible to forgive someone without that person being aware of it?

18. Forgiveness Assessment Do you feel guilty if you do not forgive someone? Is it possible to forgive someone? Is it possible to forgive yourself? Is forgiveness more helpful for the person who was hurt than the person who did the hurting? Can forgiveness cause emotional problems? Do you think you have a moral responsibility to forgive?

19. Forgiveness Assessment • Does forgiving someone excuse their hurtful behavior? • Can forgiveness occur if a hurtful action is still happening? • Are religious people more forgiving? • Do you see yourself as more forgiving than others? • Is it easier to forgive a friend/family member than a stranger? • Does anger decrease when forgiveness takes place?

20. Forgiveness Assessment • Is it easier to forgive a friend/family member than a stranger? • Does anger decrease when forgiveness takes place? Are you more likely to forgive someone who has made a major life change? • Do you see forgiveness as a weakness? • Does forgiveness justify a hurtful behavior?

21. Forgiveness Assessment • Does forgiveness automatically restore trust? • Is it possible to be both angry and forgiving about a situation at the same time? • Was forgiveness used often in your family? • Do you believe people should be forgiven more than once for doing the same hurtful action repeatedly?

22. Hindrances To Forgiveness • Poor role modeling of family with regard to emotional expression, sharing, and/or problem solving • Codependency • Communication difficulties- avoidance, anger, reactivity, holding things in, passive aggressive communication • Extreme cognitions and black and white thinking- good/bad, right/wrong, all at fault versus not at fault • A childhood where parents were seen as always “right” • A childhood where children lived in fear of the parents’ reactions so they could never share their feelings

23. Perceptions of Counselors Versus Average Person/Client Counselors/theoristsAvg. person/client • Cognitive commitment to Do the work of forgiveness and then decide later forgive initiates the treatment about commitment to forgive and forgiveness process • Commitment to forgive is an Commitment to forgive is the most important part of “easier” early stage the entire forgiveness process and also the most difficult. • Bearing the pain is necessary Have to act civil but don’t have to bear injustices if and positive step in healing not client’s responsibility • Social support systems necessary Social supports necessary during the deeper work phases of forgiveness to even start and go through every phase of forgiveness

24. Forgiveness and Spirituality • Considered important and necessary by many Christians and people of faith • Spirituality is embedded in the person’s narratives of self and relationships • Decisional forgiveness verses emotional forgiveness

25. Research Results Continued:Gender & Forgiveness • 1) Women who were more religious and scored higher on empathy scales were more inclined to forgive. • 2) Gender issues affecting forgiveness: women- guilt proneness, anger reduction, and detachment and men- age, shame proneness, and pride. • 3) Defining forgiveness: women see process of forgiveness as vital to successful relationships and men see it as helpful but not necessary for maintenance of relationship. • 4) Women are more likely to view forgiveness as obligatory and men are more likely to view forgiveness as situational.

26. Research Results Continued: Age & Forgiveness • 1) Older people generally more likely to forgive. • 2) Older women are more likely to forgive than older men. • 3) Older women are more likely to forgive than younger women.

27. Research Results Continued • Selfism- people internally focused on self, people who detach when things get rough in relationships, and people with poor emotional coping skills; repeatedly shown that selfish negatively correlates with forgiveness • Empathy-repeatedly shown to facilitate forgiveness and also to be present in people who are willing and able to demonstrate higher levels of forgiveness, perspective taking, and reconciliation

28. Emotional Factors in Forgiveness Cont • Shame- Found to be the more generally “male” style while “guilt” is the generally “female” style according to research. Shame- sees problems as global, negative deficits in the entire self and enduring defects of a person. Negatively correlated with forgiveness. Considered connected to both higher degrees of unforgiveness of self and others, more irrational anger, and more external blame towards others. • Guilt- Found to be the more generally “female” style while “shame” is found to be the more generally “male” style. Guilt- focuses on the behavior, assists in forgiveness- separating out action from personhood. Positively correlated with forgiveness. Considered more adaptive following an offense.

29. Emotional Components Continued • Adaptive pride- Associated with higher self esteem. Correlates highly with forgiveness. A person with high adaptive pride sees himself or herself as socially responsible for the well being of the relationship. High levels of adaptive pride in men were generally associated with higher forgiveness.

30. Emotional Components Continued • Cognitive adaptibility- Regardless of how many rejection wounds in the past those who were more able to forgive were more willing to take a risk being turned away because they did not want to conceive of the possibility of not being together again. They were able to muster the strength to cognitively focus on the positives in spite of the negatives. Our greatest hurts are by the closest of intimates- refocus on this closeness. Another measure of cognitively adaptability demonstrated to correlate highly with forgiveness is the ability to separate personhood from action. Finally, those who were better at perspective taking were generally better at achieving higher levels of forgiveness

31. Emotional Components Continued • Emotional restrictiveness- People who have a tendency to not allow themselves to feel or admit any unpleasant feelings or to polarize these as “evil” are less likely to genuinely forgive and reach higher levels of forgiveness and reconciliation. “Denial of negative feelings” • (Karen, R.-2001) actually hinders self forgiveness and other forgiveness. In addition, those who do all they can to not mourn actually promote complicated grief and hinder mourning in addition to complicating the recovery process.

32. Emotional Components Continued • The blaming personality- Those who tend to see things as everyone else’s fault actually tend to not mourn because they do not believe they ever have anything to mourn over. Blame renounces responsibility and dries up tears. Blame also is associated with generalities- (“they” all become exactly like the one who hurt me). This goes both for self forgiveness and other forgiveness. • Mourning- Those who allow themselves freedom to mourn tend to be more loving.

33. Cost Benefit Analysis of ForgivenessCooney, A., Allan, A., Allan, M. M., McKillop, D., & Drake, D. G., 2011 • Benefit to self • Benefit to other • Benefit to relationship • Justice • Consequences of the offense • Context/perspective taking • Empowerment

34. To Forgive Or Not To Forgive? Did you make a conscious decision to forgive? If so, how did you arrive at that decision? Can you trace the reasoning that led you to the decision to forgive? Did you experience- at any point before, during, or after the making of the decisions to forgive- a changed emotional state that you would define as emotionally forgiving the person who harmed you? Do your Christian or faith beliefs, values, community, or friends play any part in your decision and experience of forgiveness? If so, how? What benefits (if any) have your experienced from having forgiven? How has your offender benefitted? Did you make a conscious decision to forgive? If so, how did you arrive at that decision? Can you trace the reasoning that led you to the decision to forgive?

35. To Forgive Or Not To Forgive? No: • Offense was too big • Risk for re-offending • Nature of the offense • Personal preferences/what I will or will not tolerate • Psychological distress level

36. To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?Williamson, I., & Gonzales, M. H. (2007) Positive Regard for Offender Subscale 5. Lets me see the good side of the other person, despite his or her offense. 8. Allows me to sympathize with the other person. 14. Enables me to empathize with the other person’s motives, needs, and reasons for doing what he or she did. 16. Helps to restore feelings of love and caring in my relationship with the other person. 19. Makes the other person’s action’s more understandable.

37. To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?Williamson, I., & Gonzales, M. H. (2007) Religious–Expressive Subscale 6. Reflects a humble submission to God, who always forgives us. 9. Allows me to express God’s love. 20. Enables me to act as Jesus would want me to act. 21. Makes it possible for God to work through me. 23. Is an opportunity to model or identify with Jesus.

38. To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?Williamson, I., & Gonzales, M. H. (2007) Self–Transformation Subscale 12. Enables me to look at myself differently than before. 13. Enables me to find a larger meaning in life. 15. Transforms me into a different and better person. 17. Enables me to adopt a larger perspective, to see the “big picture.” 22. Is an opportunity to gain wisdom and knowledge.

39. To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?Williamson, I., & Gonzales, M. H. (2007) Relief of Psychological Pain Subscale 2. Relieves the sadness I feel. 4. Eliminates the discomfort (e.g. pain, sadness, anger) I feel whenever I see the other person. 10. Helps me to feel happier in general.

40. Areas Which Hinder Forgiveness • Black and white thinking • Cognitive Inflexibility • Lack of empathy • Lack of putting things in context • Lack of willingness to abandon one’s point of view • A strict method of justice, grace, etc. • Those who ruminate and justify resentment, anger, bitterness, etc.

41. Mechanisms Involved In Forgiveness • Approaching- the offense • Avoiding- the negative rumination, revenge and bitterness which keeps someone “bound”

42. Five Elements of Effective Forgiveness Therapies:Blocher, W.G., & Wade, N. G., 2010 • Clarification and distinction between forgiveness and excusing or Condoning • Recalling hurt- telling stories anew • Helping the offended have empathy for their offenders • Acknowledging one’s own offenses • Choosing to forgive

43. Forgiveness Focused Marriage Counseling: Stage one- 6 months or less • Willing to learn, psychoeducation Stage 2- more than 6 months • Being able to express dissatisfaction • Live together happily but can be easily offended sometimes Stage 3- strong conflict over 6 months • Severe anxiety, reprehension, power struggles Stage Four • Anxiety, power struggles to such a degree considering separation and divorce • Marriage is over • 1&2- Seeking ways to communicate • 3&4- Tendency to negotiate and terminate

44. Forgiveness Centered Models Of Couples Therapy: 8 Session Model- Navidian, A., & Bahari, F., 2013 •  Introduction to the problem conceptualization, therapeutic alliance, joining with the couple • Assessment of the problem pre-test and evaluation before intervention • Introducing cognitive principles- irrational beliefs, distortion, unhealthy behavior reactions as well as solution focused approaches • Introducing forgiveness as a healing behavior • Decisional forgiveness- forgiveness barriers, assignments and behavioral goals • Strengthening bonds with your faulty partner- asking for forgiveness, exploring and overcoming resentment, exercising freedom in forgiveness • Right and wrong ways of forgiving: cheap forgiveness versus genuine forgiveness • Sustaining changes- How to incorporate principles of hope therapy

45. Hope-focused Marriage Enrichment(Ripley,J.S. & Worthington,E.L., Jr.- 2002) • 1. Teach clients to promote at least a 5 to 1 positive to negative interaction ratio. • 2. Teach empathy- First person speaks followed by a valuing empathy statement of the second person before second person responds. • 3. LOVE- L=listen to your partner O=observe your effects on your partner V=value your partner E=evaluate common interests • 4.Incorporate intimacy building exercises (e.g. Gestalt moving closer, solution focused interchanges and valuing statements) • 5. Coupes write a love letter to each other.

46. Empathy-Centered Forgiveness-Based Intervention(Ripley,J.S. & Worthington,E.L., Jr.- 2002) Five parts: • 1. Empathizewith the offender to promote forgiveness. • 2. Humility (choice of the offended) as the offended recalls times when he/she has received forgiveness from the person who offended them. • 3. Shift from blame and resentment to willingness to forgive. • 4. Commitment aloud to forgive the offender. • 5. Maintenance- discussion of how the offender may prove him/herself on an ongoing basis.

47. Developing An Attitude of Humility “ I see my offender’s motivations and understand his or her point of view. I feel what he or she might have been feeling. Further, I have felt similar feelings. I see that I have done things or wanted to do things as wicked as the other person. In those instances of my own weakness, I would like to have forgiveness extended to me. I want mercy for my own foibles. Who am I to demand justice for this person when I want mercy for myself? I know that the other person is needy. I want to help this person. I want to release him or her from the hate, anger, and desire for retribution that I feel. That is the decent thing to do. That is the right thing to do.”

48. Empathy-Centered Forgiveness-Based Intervention- Continued Therapeutic Tasks: • Ask each person in the family or group or relationship to describe from his/her point of view and facilitate hearing and empathy by others • Follow up with assisting others to think based on the initial comments about what may please the first communicator (perspective taking) • Help the “group” speak to common feelings and perception • Facilitate each admitting his/her part and verbalizing commitment to ongoing healthy relationship

49. Attachment Theory Models of Forgiveness(Lawler-Row, K.A., Younger, J.W., Piferi, R.L, & Jones, W.H.- 2006 • Secure attachment styles associated with forgiveness. • Linked to degree to which people can: • Tolerate negative affect • Experience pain • Communicate feelings • Reframe the offender • Have better internal emotional regulation • Demonstrate broader emotional expressiveness • Have less idealized expectations and more flexibility in relationship interactions • Insecurely attached: avoidance, difficulty working through the relationship, physiological problems

50. The Empathic Dialectical Reframing Model(Berecz, J.M.-2001) Three “R”s: • Rapport • Reframing • Release